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By The Betches on

Recently, I was casually hooking up with this guy who I thought was my prince charming.  I was taking things slow.  I’m normally not a prude, but I didn’t want this muscular hottie thinking I was some kind of slut. He was an amazing kisser and there were no complaints in terms of size, so I knew it was worth the wait. But after a month, we still hadn’t had sex. 

On my birthday, I decided it was time.   In his room, we started kissing and then undressing each other.  BTW: He has one of those bodies that clothing can never do justice.  He threw me on the bed, and we started doing it.  I was on top, and I was riding him like a classy fucking cowgirl.  I started to go in and out - higher and higher and… Oh fuck

Is there something in my butt? Oh my god. THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY BUTT.  I screamed and rolled off of him.  My asshole was throbbing.  I had never been so aware of the area between my cheeks.  After the shock subsided, I realized I couldn’t see. Nothing. Complete darkness.  I stood up and started groping at the air like a blind prostitute.  I stumbled naked toward where I assumed would be the door.  Oh no. His roommates were in the common room.  I couldn't wander out. They’d think I was Helen Keller. The only words I could muster were, “Can’t see…  need – my ASSHOLE!”  My balance began to waver.  Is the floor moving? My knees gave way.  I hit the floor.  And then NOTHING

Minutes later, I came to with him kneeling over me.  He had a glass of water and a towel.  I had fainted for the first time in my life.  I couldn’t remember a thing.  I’d blacked out before, but always from alcohol, not mistaken anal sex.  This would happen to me.  I was humiliated.  My ass was burning.  The floor was cold.  I wanted to leave.  I drank the water.  Got dressed. And waddled all the way home (and for the next week).

Dear Dick Induced Blackout,

Not going to lie here, I too have been the victim of a backdoor break and entry so believe-you-me I know how awful it is. I admire sluts who can take an ass pounding and pretend to enjoy it but alas, two fingers are two much for me.  I say we form a girl band called “One Directon” in reference to our buttholes. Just promise you won’t faint please. Tres embarrassing.

Like for real, so embarrassing. But just think, if you didn’t wake up and an ambulance had to come and they carried you out naked and had to explain--oh god I wish that happened. Then we’d have a story. You didn’t even give a follow up. There’s no way he called you again after you pulled a Weekend at Bernie’s on him. Or did he? Actually, who cares? Stop being such a tight ass.

15 Comments TALK SHIT!
    • Head Bitch says:

      Thanks, this post! Now go eat a dick made of sharp daggers.

      Posted on Reply
      • GTFO slut says:

        Or take it up the ass.

        Posted on Reply
  1. mannydelicious says:

    another great tale from the butthurt crypt! keep it coming betches!

    Posted on Reply
  2. well done says:

    absolutely adore the subtle friends reference (believe-you-me). and that scene from entourage is too good.

    Posted on Reply
  3. gaybetchluver says:

    the one direction reference made me laugh so hard i puked up my cheeseburger. thank you betches. xo

    Posted on Reply
  4. Betchmaster says:

    the throbbing asshole part brought tears to my eyes with laughter. haha keep up the good work betches!

    Posted on Reply
  5. crying says:

    with laughter. SO FUNNY. thank you betch, for sharing your story. made my hungover morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  6. Lauren K says:

    I am so saddened that feminism has brought us to a place where children like you think that being grown up is to act like this. The idea behind women becoming equal to men was not so that we could act as stupid and crass as men can be. The idea was to be taken as seriously, and earn equally and be equal sexual partners, yes. Not to denigrate sex to the nothingness that you advance. The way you act would be laughable if it weren’t so depressing.  It’s easy to be doing the equivalent of fart/burp jokes to make your living (way to show ‘em how smart you are!!), and unfortunately there are enough poor uneducated women who will support you who act just like this so they can be bad girls too. I can assure you that when you have daughters your age now you will be heartbroken if they talk or think or move through the world like you. What a waste. What treasures you could be to the world, what with all your access, privilege, good health, etc etc. Instead you trash your gifts with the worst dumbed-down humor this side of Howard Stern. Way to grow up girls, I’m sure your parents are proud. Ugh.

    Posted on Reply
    • ugh says:

      Go take a dick up your ass you fucking slut.

      Posted on Reply
    • ... says:

      I agree. nonconsensual sex is not cool. that is all

      Posted on Reply
  7. slutpower says:

    Lauren K stop being such a prude.  I bet youre a snooze in the bedroom and thats why your husband has to call escorts. Like me. Bye betch;)

    Posted on Reply
  8. stonerbetch says:

    not gunna lie, tried anal once, and ONLY once because i almost passed out after! i feel your pain girl, literally. i had to sit down and put my head between my knees for about 10 minutes before the asshole who tried to stick it in mine asked for a bj. also waddled strangely for the next week.

    Posted on Reply
  9. confused says:

    I just don’t get it… what is this place?

    Posted on Reply
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