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By The Betches on

As betches, our knowledge of any third-world issues is limited to that one sociology class we took in college and the pit stop our parents made us take to Cambodian villages on our family vacations to Thailand. In an effort to try and pretend their kids are down to Earth, our parents would often say stupid crap like “there are kids starving in Africa” after we do stuff like take a bite of our $17 Bloomingdale’s froyos and then throw them out. But real betches know that the starving kids in Uganda have nothing to do with us, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have problems of our own. Life is hard for a betch, and not just because Starbucks continually spells our exotic names wrong on our venti-iced coffees.

The following are some first world problems betches often come across. It’s time to put an end to these issues, feel free to leave your tales of woe in the comments in case we forgot any important issues facing young women today.  

Not having time/patience to let your nails dry at the nail salon, then you ruin them.

You have a meeting or appointment during Monday Soul Cycle signups.

Not knowing how to work your TV because you have so many channels and inputs that only your dad can figure it out.

The possibility of rain on your Caribbean vacation.

Your country club doesn’t let you wear jeans and you’re not in the mood to change.

Cash-only brunches.

Your housekeeper continuously mixes up your laundry with your sisters’.

Your waiter mixes your salad dressing in instead of on the side.

Uber simply has no cars left and it’s raining.

Your old nanny is on Facebook and won’t stop ‘liking’ all your friends albums, even the pictures you’re not in.

This post sponsored by Rich Kids of Beverly Hills, brand new Sundays at 10/9c on E!

32 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. B B says:

    Leaving your phone out of reach when your tanning in the pool which means you don’t know what time to flip over

    Posted on Reply
  2. Mal says:

    Having to get out of bed in the middle of the night to turn down the heat because your new bedding traps more heat than the old.

    Posted on Reply
  3. rain says:

    The car your parents bought you is the wrong color

    Posted on Reply
  4. No thanks says:

    When your new Frye boots give you blisters and you have to skip spin class

    Posted on Reply
  5. Alana says:

    -When my school’s parking scenario is shit and I’m forced to park my range rover somewhere I know it will get ticketed every day if I want to make it to class…

    -When I have zero books to read for my upcoming carribbean holiday since I have committed Nice is Just a Place in france to memory at this point

    -When the stupid girl doing your eyebrows at the salon makes them too thin and you still have to tip her b/c you cannot ruin your rep at that salon

    -When you can taste that the barista fucked up and gave you full fat milk in you iced coffee as opposed to skim milk

    -The length of time it takes for your nespresso machine to get ready (to tie you over before you get to starbucks clearly)

    x

    Posted on Reply
    • vivalabetch says:

      What does whole milk taste like?

      Posted on Reply
      • nyc betch says:

        tears i’m assuming

        Posted on Reply
  6. Betch183655 says:

    First world problem upgrade: waiting for shellac to process

    Posted on Reply
    • ... says:

      which takes like no time, so what are you talking about

      Posted on Reply
  7. Kill me says:

    Not enough ice in iced coffee will make me hurt myself

    Posted on Reply
  8. Equibetch says:

    when there’s over a foot of snow outside and you have to wait for the guys to come around and shovel so you can get to the equinox for your 9am with marcus.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Andrea says:

    Ew, who puts milk in their iced coffee?

    Posted on Reply
  10. Amanda says:

    -When you ask for a lime with your vodka water, and the bartender forgets. You had one job asshole.
    -When a restaurant only sells Sauvignon Blanc by the bottle. This actually isn’t so much of a problem as an excuse to get drunk, but it still annoys me. Especially if it’s like, Tuesday.
    -When you can’t find your lifeproof case (what else is fucking new) so you can’t participate in the group chat while you shower
    -When the sexy pro at your office is already married.
    -When the creep at your office goes to the same gym as you. And then tries to wave to your every five seconds.
    -When your boyfriend looks at your recent snaps
    -When ratemyprofessor has a chili pepper next to a professor, so you sign up for their class, and then they aren’t even remotely attractive.
    -All the ellipticals at the gym are taken because of stupid fat New Years Resolutioners
    -When it’s fucking 8 degrees and your dad says your can’t use his miles or his am ex to book a flight to Mexico.

    Posted on Reply
  11. unknown says:

    when you do a good deed and give a homeless person your expensive left overs, but there are none in your neighborhood…

    Posted on Reply
  12. Van says:

    When parking meters don’t take credit cards and you only have coins

    Posted on Reply
  13. BergdorfsBetch says:

    When you’re about to walk into a store and at that second the doorman isn’t paying attention, and it is just awkward for everyone.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Ugh! says:

    When you are surrounded by a world of prissy, self-indulgent “betches” who wouldn’t know hard work or reality if it bit them in their flat, white girl asses.

    Posted on Reply
    • coop says:

      No one’s making you look at this website. if you don’t like it, get off your PC and cry into a Dunkin Donuts coffee. You’re just jealous anyway.

      Posted on Reply
      • lol says:

        trolls trolling trolls?

        Posted on Reply
      • Male says:

        I’m a guy and read this site for the high entertainment value.  People like you make everyone’s life worse.  I’m sorry you’re poor, but these betches didn’t cause your problems, so go cry elsewhere to people who have sympathy for your problems.  If you were hot, I’m sure you wouldn’t be so bitter.

        Posted on Reply
    • Betch says:

      ‘Ugh’ how did you even find this website?!?! You are certainly not a betch and don’t understand out daily problems and how we life. Sorry I’m not sorry you don’t belong in this elite group of betches. And I’m sorry I’m not sorry your jealous of us, because you should be. We are the girls other girls want to be and the girls guys want to be with. We are a superior breed who can’t stand dealing w other ppls negligence or bs. Please get off this site. Next time you want to bash a betch. Do it to their face! Oh wait you wouldn’t kno any.

      Posted on Reply
      • Your Name says:

        Lol, calm down tth.

        Posted on Reply
      • More Recent Betch says:

        Um “sorry not sorry” is out. Didn’t you get the memo? Also while I agree with your rant, do a spell check fucking duh so you don’t sound like a dumb bitch, but a smart betch.

        Posted on Reply
  15. Brendan says:

    LOL you simple-minded cunts realize this is satire, right? They are making fun of you for being unintelligent, spoiled, vacuous, self-absorbed, and generally useless. They are making fun of you for being mindless consumers whose existences revolve around their iPhones and who dress in matching drab uniforms of Uggs, leggings, and North Face everyday because you’re too tacky to wear real clothes. They are making fun of you for not having real jobs, living off of Daddy until you can sucker some poor sap into marrying you, and being clueless about the real world. The responses on this post are telling - most of you are too stupid to spell properly or string 1 coherent sentence together without the use of made-up words like ‘obvi’ and ‘ppl’. The reality is most adults laugh at you behind your backs and don’t take you seriously. Please get yourselves sterilized, the world doesn’t need anymore of your kind. Or better yet, crash your Range Rover into your suburban McMansions and just put an end to it.

    Posted on Reply
    • Betch says:

      First off if you’re going to make fun of us then get our attire right. We don’t wear uggs and NORTHFACES. Gross!! Second you’re a guy on this site. Now that’s a fucking riot. Don’t you have better things to do with your time than this? Whatever though I doubt you do. Sitting in your parents house trying to bash people you don’t even know. I really hope you’re enjoying the poor life. It’s disgusting that you get a kick out of reading this site for a living and definitely have nothing better to do with your time or your lame ass boring as shit life. Go out and do something. Get off your lazy ass find a job and move out of your mommy and daddy’s house. (See i can judge people too). It’s pretty damn easy. You have no clue what half of us do for a living you’re just judging based on a post you read. Well if that’s the case then I’m gonna judge you and bet that you’re jealous because no one wants to date you or will ever date you. Yoire prolly gross and ugly and are responding to this because your bitter and will never be able to date a decent looking girl. The girls you date are probably as desperate as your lazy ass. I find you hilarious Brendan because you are actually responding to this post and us girls as if we have brutally inflicted pain on your life. You’re taking this to heart and way too serioisly. Do you even know how to have fun? How to laugh? How to have a good time? Or do you like just trying to put others down and taking things to heart as if someone is actually hurting you? HAHAHAHA you’re funny. I’m happy we anger you. I’m happy we raised your blood pressure enough to write such a long and angry post. You are jealous that you’ll never have a range rover or a ‘McMansion’ and you are upset at the life or the lack of a life you created fur yourself and are currently taking it out on us. Don’t you worry my little lamb we are going to walk through our amazing lives without a real care in the world and you are going to be one stressed out anxious nervous wreck. What a horrid life. Well I’m so glad we got to chat. Btw I have my masters degree and am currently going for my doctorate so before you go along accusations that the world doesn’t need us and that we can’t string 2 sentences together you better check yourself and realize your life is so horribly pathetic and undesired
      Loved the chat!!
      Xoxoxo <3

      Posted on Reply
    • NYC GAY BFF says:

      umm you are taking all of this too seriously!

      Posted on Reply
    • the smart betch says:

      Hey Guy. I’m a certified betch who attends Harvard and I pay my own tuition, so suck on that. Yeah, Daddy has money. You know what else that means? Great connections. I’ve probably made more money than you will ever make in your whole life. And why wouldn’t I wear leggings?  Will putting on jeans make me more intelligent? I didn’t think so. It’s clear that you need to find a new website because your assumptions are terribly wrong. So better yet, I’m going to produce some more betches after I graduate law school and we are going to conquer this world while you sit on your hairy ass watching Harry Potter re-runs in your parents basement.

      Posted on Reply
      • tha-realest says:

        bitch stfu already. harvard my ass. you know you are not.

        Posted on Reply
  16. Kelsey says:

    Please tell me this entire website is satirical.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Unicurn says:

    When the comments are more entertaining than the post itself

    Posted on Reply
    • Unicorn.... says:

      Ummmmm learn how to spell. Bc in order to diss someone you need to actually be correct yourself. Now you’re the joke…

      Posted on Reply
  18. Girl06 says:

    I’m rich and i like it. But i’m nowhere near the level of shallowness expressed here!

    Posted on Reply
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