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By The Betches on

Dear Betch,

This is gonna sound gross and you may think i'm a fucking weirdo but you'll have to believe me when i tell you that I am as betchy as they come, but I have a really gross problem. I'm in my drinking prime right now, meaning that i won't be stopping getting blackout for a long time because i won't be entering the real world for years. This past year I've developed a habit of drinking way too much, passing out, and in turn pissing myself while i'm passed out.

Usually this wasn't that big of a deal because i was in my own bed when I did it but on new year's i was actually passed out at the party I was at and I pissed on someone's couch. Luckily i didn't know them and the house was kind of nasty to begin with so i don't really care what they think of me, but sooner or later it's going to be in a boy's bed or at the house of someone i actually hang out with a lot and that's going to be really fucking embarrassing.

Also, i'm about to be in a situation where i will be drinking a lot. so what do I do? Is this completely fucking weird? do I have to stop drinking just to save my reputation?

Yellow Betch

Dear Yellow Betch,

First of all, with respect to not entering the real world any time soon, it seems as if you just got into grad school. Congratulations! Second of all, betches don't piss, they pee. Now that we've cleared that up, it's time to golden shower with you some advice.

Definitely do not stop drinking; your reputation is important, but let's not get carried away. After careful consideration, we believe that you should just use the bathroom as much as fucking possible while you're still conscious. This strategy means that you will have to spend a lot of time on line waiting for the bathroom. We suggest downloading Tinder to occupy your time while you wait. We also recommend filling your diaper-bag-of-tricks with clever excuses (e.g., some bro spilt beer; my water broke; I sweat like a man).

Yellow betch out, golden betch in. 

Dear Betch,

I'm so sick of answering these stupid fucking emails. They all ask the same shit. What should I do?


Head Betch

Dear Head Betch,

Take the day off! You deserve it. You woke up at 9:15 today.


Head Betch

Got a problem? Email the Head Betches Here and if your question doesn't fucking suck we might even answer it. 

7 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. NYCbetch says:

    This was fucking lame

    Posted on Reply
    • WRONG says:

      nah i enjoyed it. good advice i guess. my friends and i had just been talking about this issue a lot lately so what a coincidence

      Posted on Reply
  2. no says:

    WTF is this

    Posted on Reply
  3. notyobetch says:

    i love how everyone who writes in has to make sure everyone knows she’s totes a betch before anything else

    Posted on Reply
  4. okayyy says:

    Nice hack, Head Pro

    Posted on Reply
  5. Robotron says:

    The answer young women, is to stop drinking so excessively before you get raped or die from alcohol poisoning. Your reputation is at stake? lol what are you in a 90’s after school sitcom? Slow down, enjoy a few drinks. Maybe switch with a glass of water in between. If you can’t drink responsibly don’t drink at all.

    Posted on Reply
    • rosie says:


      Posted on Reply
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