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By The Betches on

A true betch comes into the world on a high horse, which is why equestrian shit is a natural part of our upbringing. This is where we hone our athleticism when we're not elliptical-texting on a 1% incline. I mean, any betch who can stick a toothbrush down her throat can do ballet, but it takes a skilled equestribetch to make a horse do ballet.

Webster defines Equestrian as: “A pretentious lifestyle and sport known only to those who aren't fucking poor." We were too high to remember high school history but based on our college Greek system, we know that ranking people by property and wealth has always been the way to go. Oh, your area code is Aspen, did you say your family has a house in East Hampton, I love your Patek Philippe watch.... I’m free Saturday. Any sport involving horses screams I'm fucking better than you because it not only requires acres of land for stables and like, dirt paths, but an entirely new staff to pick up your horse's shit.

One needs to be born writing 5 digit checks because we’re constantly “becoming too advanced for this Hanoverian, I need a new one!” Shopping for a 50K horse is as routine as picking out a pair of fall boots, which you'll also have to do. This brings us to the clothes, and half the reason we would go anywhere near these giant creatures who happen to have the biggest noses in the animal kingdom. It's because every designer that stocks our closets has at one point released an equestrian inspired line. Would Ralph Lauren have been as successful if the line was called Ralph Lauren Soccer? Only if he sold exclusively to Sports Authority.

preaknessNot classy

While commoners are screaming “DE-FENSE” chants and listening to Jock Jams between quarters and howling like barbarians for their fav player while chugging pints of Bud, the equestrian community is dressed in Barbour jackets, Chanel, and Hermes, drinking mint juleps and watching their horse piaffe moonwalk to the tune of Nordstrom’s elevator music, then soft clapping when the rider tips his chic velvet hat. While sitting polo-side we don't discuss the score or athletic plays, but which Ivy has the most bros with dads on the Forbes list and things like, we have to get an additional maid for our guest cottage, do you know of anyone? Not a conversation you hear at NASCAR.

While we obvs respect the fine art of equestrianism, we also respect the opportunity to combine it with blacking out in the middle of the day. Whether you're at the Carolina Cup or the Bridgehampton Polo Challenge, if you don’t know of a nearby horse event to get fucked up at, you probably also think Coachella is a Latino pop sensation, pronounced Coacheya. So betches, whenever you find yourselves in a stressful situation, like your grocery store being out of organic locally grown apples or your human besties acting cray, you can always turn to your horse bestie and embrace your special talent as a horse whisperer shit-talker.

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57 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Olivia says:

    piaffe is a movement done on the spot or slightly forwards, nothing even vaguely resembling ‘moonwalking’. amateur-hour at the office?

    Posted on Reply
    • Stella says:

      tell me about. 50K? how about try 200K thats more like it

      Posted on Reply
  2. girls who ride horses says:

    weirdos!! you know they’d rather read books than party. gross.

    Posted on Reply
    • Caitlin says:

      parents couldn’t afford to buy you a pony? adorable little poor girl.

      Posted on Reply
  3. betch rider says:

    I love my horses! Finally a post on the betchiest, most expensive sport. Sorry, not sorry that my horse costs as much as your house.

    Posted on Reply
    • Savannahbetch says:

      Finally someone knows what’s up.

      Posted on Reply
    • What, No Love For Equitation? says:

      Hah…ok i see where you’re coming from…but I don’t ride dressage, don’t go to horse racing events and get drunk…Why didn’t you mention the bad-ass betches that balanced schoolwork AND riding AND cleaned up their own horse’s shit (and still rocks a pair of REAL Ariat britches better than most Hampton faker broads that only “watch polo”).

      Three cheers for fab betches that known what a D-ring snaffle is and know how to correctly accessorize a pair of Tailored Sportsmans smile

      Posted on Reply
  4. Katrina says:

    Not even close, weirdos? Yes I ride horses, yes my horse is worth over 50k and yeah I like to roll face on the weekends where I’m not making it to a horseshow. ANyone saying anyone around horses is clearly not part of a classy society where men want you because I carry a whip and wear skin tight pants with knee high Lethe boots on the regular. So get with the hamptons or get out because you cannot be apart of them without being an elite equestrian. This is awesome haha

    Posted on Reply
  5. Peter says:

    This will never be as good as bros like this site. He is effortlessly hilarious on everything relating to being a bro and in addition knows so called ‘betches’ probably better than they know themselves and thus could right this and every other article more accurately than the team of you.

    Posted on Reply
    • um. says:

      do you mean could WRITE? if you’re going to try and insult the head betches, maybe ask someone at bros like this to proofread your comment first…

      Posted on Reply
  6. Em says:

    50k? Try, like, 100 or 150 grand. Hermes? Not unless you want to look like an idiot. And lets be real, no one really watches dressage - polo, yes, hunter/jumpers, even better. Spend some time in West Palm Beach and Wellington and you’ll figure it out.

    Posted on Reply
    • C&E says:

      amen. WEF or die.

      Posted on Reply
      • Bananas says:

        Hahaha, yes. WEF OR DIE BETCHES!

        Posted on Reply
        • God Bless You All says:

          Also HITS is where them real betches at (yes, I mean ALL of the HITS series)

          Posted on Reply
  7. Ballet says:

    “any betch who can stick a toothbrush down her throat can do ballet”?! maybe they can TRY to do ballet, but without years of training even the skinniest betch will look like a clumsy elephant.  as someone who trained in several of the most elite ballet programs, i assure you many of us dancers are def betchy. between ballet tuition, buying a new pair of pointe shoes at least every week or two, and all the betchy lululemon-esque leotards, its an expensive activity and an extremely athletic one at that. there’s a reason we dancers all have amazing asses.

    Posted on Reply
    • Horses $> Dance $ says:

      Yeah, but try buying $300 shoes for your horse every six weeks and $1200 boots for yourself. Ever looked the price at horse tack? $6000 saddles? $300 pants? $800 coats? Makes pointe shoes look downright plebian.

      Posted on Reply
      • Ballet says:

        Not saying it’s MORE expensive than horseback riding, just that it’s way more athletic than people give us dancers credit for. Plus in training it’s still expensive enough to weed out povos. Both betchy.

        I still laughed at the line. A horse OR a person doing ballet needs a shitton of skill.

        Posted on Reply
      • Jumper Betch says:

        Umm my last horse that was 50k was the pony I got when I turned 10…
        And the post above forgot to mention $2000/horse for board&care; in the city of LA (not to get confused with small town folk who keep horses in their backyards).
        One horse might be affordable, like more than your monthly paycheck, but when you’ve got three horses like me it’s the equivalent to a house mortgage. Luckily, the business my dad put in my name covers my Holsteiners.
        Oh and $300/horse every 6 weeks, monthly chiropractor and acupuncturist sessions, daily supplements and injections that are $100/pop, and vet bills that can easily top 5 digits.
        Lululemon ehhh? Hun, my HORSE wears Hermes. And $6,000 per saddle is just the beginning. Try multiple saddles, martingales, bridles, girths, sheets/coolers/blankets, halters, open-front boots, etc   I could honestly go on and on. My siblings have done many “elitist” sports (tennis, golf, you name it) and none even come close

        Posted on Reply
        • Olivia says:

          If your horse requires so many acupuncture and chiro visits then perhaps you should spend a little more when you chose your horse in the first place instead of buying some old nag? whatever, just a thought?

          Posted on Reply
          • Jumper Betch says:

            Olivia just stop stalking this post. You’re not a betch. You’re fucking Debby “know-it-all” Downer. First your piaffe definition and now your pathetic attack at my equines?!  Sorry you were only given lessons or maaaybe a lease and were never given a horse of your own.
            Horses are special beasts that deserve every bit of the lifestyle that their owners have. Any creature that will joyfully carry my lean frame over 5ft jumps and then follow me around like a puppy dog deserves nothing short of the best.  Ann Romney takes a yearly 70,000+ tax deduction for ONE horse. Now I rightfully pay my taxes but that should give you a better idea of the figure it takes to take care of these beauties.

            Posted on Reply
            • Olivia says:

              Uh really…just no. Sorry that I know my correct dressage terms since I’ve been doing BDF tests for the past 12 years? You are definitely trying way too hard with your list of costs. People with real class don’t discuss money - maybe your parents never taught you that one? And actually my family own multiple race horses, along with various hunters, friesians and thoroughbreds to name but a few, but I figured it would be somewhat crass to talk too much about that? And I agree that horses should be well looked after, hence why mine are all in peak condition without the need for daily jags and supplements?

              Posted on Reply
              • askldjh says:

                THANK YOU.  Every time someone tries to drop price and numbers to sound impressive, they actually sound more obnoxious and nouve riche than ever.  Totally classless.

                Posted on Reply
            • World Cup Betch says:

              You are one of those people who give the sport a bad name. Instead of trying too hard to prove how much money you spend on your horses, why don’t you just prove it in the ring. Since you jump 5 feet I’ll look forward to competing against you in a couple of weeks at WEF in some of the grand prix’s?
              And please, do us all a favor and listen to Olivia and askldjh and realize how tasteless it is to discuss money; clearly you don’t come from old money.

              Posted on Reply
      • props says:

        ^ for using the word plebian

        Posted on Reply
        • Pedantic says:

          Maybe that would be deserved if they learned how to spell plebeian correctly.  I suppose there’s no correlation between money and intelligence.

          Posted on Reply
    • alpha betch says:

      three words: “Two Trees board”

      Posted on Reply
  8. Betch In Breeches says:

    Finally, the realization that us equestrian betches are the cream of the crop. If your horse isn’t $100k or more, don’t even waste our time. If you don’t have your own private barn with your own trainer, get lost. And lastly, if you can’t spend all weekend watching us accept countless blue ribbons at a horse show, you’re out. Le duh.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Yes. says:

    My old trainer always said, “Fat people don’t look good on horses.” Equestriennes have the best bodies.

    Posted on Reply
  10. TXbetch says:

    You missed horse racing AKA The Sport of Kings.  I feel like your level of betchiness is directly proportional to the number of times you were dragged to the racetrack to watch another one of daddy’s horses run.  Those horses cost six figures and you don’t even get to ride them. 
    Making it out to the premier races is key too.  The Derby, Belmont, Breeder’s… So much fashion, so much booze, so much pretension. Grandstand only though, obvi. Infields may be drunken shitshows but they’re full of dirty poor people.  Sorry but I’m not ruining my Louboutin in that mess.  I’d rather walk through the stables, thanks.

    Posted on Reply
  11. ugh says:

    That picture of Kourtney and Scott makes me so mad. Riding is so classy, and it used to be so exclusive. Now even these trashy reality TV people use their nouveau riche money to worm their way into our circles. No, Rachel Zoe, no one wants you there. Stop pretending you know anything about horses.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Gaybetch says:

    OMG OMG Shut ep. perfect.

    Posted on Reply
  13. equestribetch says:

    FINALLY some recognition for the betchiest sport and lifestyle on the planet.

    Posted on Reply
  14. i eat L says:

    wow you people are stuck up as hell… horse riding is fucking boring, you just like to show off how rich your parents are through an expensive medium. once you sit down and EARN your own multi-million dollar fortune you’ll have right to be snooty, but once you earn that you’ll know enough about the world to know that money is a very worthless thing. this coming from someone with 400 12-ft blue dream plants, 8 lbs a piece… yearly… lol im not some broke bum “hating on betches” im just calling out your superficial lifestyle

    Posted on Reply
    • TXbetch says:

      Fuck off, hater.  Who do you think it is that made you rich?  It’s OUR “superficial lifestyle” that funds your sad existence.  You’d be nothing without us.  Shut up and get back to work, you dirty Occupy hipster.  Those plants aren’t going to take care of themselves.

      Posted on Reply
  15. i eat L says:

    Lmao i don’t sell to sorority whores like you. The amount that betches smoke is microscopic compared to literally everyone else. If all the betches dropped off the face of the earth i would still make bank. And btw, I’m 24 and retired so i don’t have to work for shit anymore

    Posted on Reply
  16. Maris says:

    I love my Hanoverian smile Imported from Germany! Rich Betch

    Posted on Reply
  17. Ballet says:

    THANK YOU! the girls i dance with are the betchiest girls i know

    Posted on Reply
  18. B says:

    A friend directed me to this article and I thought it was hillariously absurd and true.
    Meanwhile, being one of the few (and rare!), straight, single male riders in their 20s.. There’s definitely good picking for hot ‘betches’!.. Yet somehow I’m still single! Lmao.

    Posted on Reply
  19. really? says:

    I read these articles thinking they are sarcasm at its finest. Do you people actually take any of this like it is serious? Like you are proud of this stuff? I thought it was all just a joke but you guys act like its serious?

    Posted on Reply
    • right?? says:

      I agree, I’ve been interpreting this site as pure satire….

      Posted on Reply
  20. hahahhaha says:

    actually like 500k

    Posted on Reply
  21. thiswomen says:

    You girls are hilarious..  you sound like a bunch of eight year olds
    .. I thought this site was about betches coming together but really, your just a bunch of bitches

    Posted on Reply
  22. not spoiled enough says:

    I already own a fucking expensive Hanoverian, board him at a nice barn, and show full time, but in the spirit of betchiness I’m STILL going to complain because obviously one is not enough and I need another horse. It’s like having the same pair of shoes in two different colors. Sometimes you just need more options. Yet despite this totally rational logic, my parents refuse to buy me a second horse. Do they want people to think we’re fucking poor of something? The life of a betch is definitely not easy.

    Posted on Reply
  23. true betch says:

    This really IS the betchiest, most expensive sport of all.
    The only problem is, we’re thrown in the same category with the povo backyard riders who have po-dunk horses that cost less than my bridle.
    Um, no. If your horse is less than 50k, don’t talk to me. And none of that Quarter Horse crap either. Thoroughbreds and Warmbloods. That’s it.
    If you don’t show full time, have a personal trainer, a homeschooling tutor, and a fancy show-barn then you’re obviously poor.
    It’s just the way it is!

    Posted on Reply
  24. Your Name says:

    wow lots of defensiveness… projecting much?
    forget the horse’s shoes -
    Chanel Riding Boots in black caviar (see #190 -black)
    while you are at it -same Chanel Riding boots in brown (and don’t be afraid to scuff them up)
    fucking duh

    Posted on Reply
  25. no hermes here says:

    A $6000 saddle? Maybe if you’re a beginner lesson kid. If you’re the big time, you better not be in anything less than a $15,000 custom Harris or Blue Ribbon.

    Posted on Reply
    • Impressive says:

      But that saddle won’t ride the horse for you

      Posted on Reply
  26. PoloDessageJumperEventerTB says:

    It’s sad how equestrian sports are all about money, whatever happened to hard work? Good for you girls, who obviously bought their way up to the top, or should I say got their parents to buy their way up to the top? Talent doesn’t come from money. Sadly, neither does learning to respect others. I would tell you guys/girls that you’re just being stupid (putting that VERY nicely).  It’s nice to know that one of the most amazing creatures on this planet has to deal with people like you. Now I know not all Equestrians are bad. I’ve gotten to know a few famous trainers, Olympic and Non-Olympic. All of then knew the value of respect and a real competition. Not all high level competitors came from rich families. A real horse person knows respect and greets their competitors with a true smile knowing that their hard work will pay off. Hard work can be defined as something most of you rich betches will never completely understand.

    Posted on Reply
    • HunterJumper says:

      Agreed, it shouldn’t be all about money.  You need talent, hard work, respect and a good horse with character.  People who buy themselves the blue ribbon are the ones who give us, equestrians, the bad name.

      Posted on Reply
  27. Just someone says:

    Whatever happened to classy? Look it up please.

    Posted on Reply
  28. Wow says:

    Money isn’t everything in the horse world. You’ve got to have blood, sweat, and tears. (And all the gold bars in the pentagon.) Before success comes determination and no fortune in the world will buy you that. A 927203k horse is great, but it’s nothing if you aren’t willing to get on a 4k greenie to try and improve yourself.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Proud2BDQ says:

    why Americans are the worst riders considering wealth and population in the world. Maybe if you spoiled idiots stopped wasting your money on unnecessary crap (feed some starving children, give a scholarship, something) and actually got your head out of your asses and learned to ride- we might actually produce gold medalists instead of a bunch of broken 6 year olds and “riders” who don’t know the training scale if it was dumped on them like a ton of bricks. And this whole article is a bunch of BS. All you need to ride when your young is the balls to get on what everyone else is afraid of and arms strong enough to shovel shit. You want to ride some six figure animals? Be a working student. I did it and my folks thought going out for Chinese was to expensive. My 50k Hanoverian can jump like a “10” and Hilda gurney said we were an “elegant pair” when we won our open class, loves the beach and my boyfriend can stick and ball on her. If I train her to upper level shell be worth 80.  Some people don’t deserve to be called equestrians they have more $$ then sense. PS yatching, racing cars, golf there are lots of expensive sports.

    Posted on Reply
  30. horseinsider says:

    If only the good horses were only $50,000….....

    Posted on Reply
  31. treatingeatingdisorderseveryday says:

    “I mean, any betch who can stick a toothbrush down her throat can do ballet” - this is not at all funny. I work in the field of eating disorders, and there are people who STRUGGLE with eating disorders and it is not a joking matter. Clearly whoever wrote this does not realize the damage those words can do to others. It’s quite sad the lengths people will go to in order to get attention.

    Posted on Reply
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