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By The Betches on

When you’ve been all over Europe a bunch of times and want to cultivate your outdoorsy side by doing things like skydiving, posing next to baby tigers and wearing flippers, there's no place to do it like Australia. If your deep seeded passions involve an appreciation for semester-long tans and blonde rugby players with hot accents, it's time to make the two-day journey across the world to Sydney, the betchiest spot in the Pacific.

If European gypsies aren't your thing you'll be refreshed by the rahndom aboriginals playing their didgeridoos everywhere. Whether or not you actually learned anything during your visit, or merely attended UNSW, Sydney is a haven for the explorer in every betch. Bungee jumping from cliffs? Swimming with dolphins? Surfing for one hour? The chill, adventurous betch with an aversion to foreign languages and an obsession with Ja'mie King is there and killing it on her four month island vaca.

 

drunk kang

 

During the Day You Should: Go to the horse races at Randwick, get absolutely trashed, and wear a really big stupid fucking hat.

Taronga Zoo is the prettiest zoo in the whole wide world, possibly even prettier than you. Go on a Harbor cruise for every holiday and make sure to get really drunk and sunburned. Anyone who's ever lived in ozone-less Australia knows the plight of the fair betch in the southern hemisphere.

After you've successfully quadrupled your likelihood of skin cancer, don't forget to stop by Paddy's Market for a ton of cheap Asian shit to get souvenirs for all the people back home who you're pretending to give a shit about. Or you could probably buy these even cheaper on your spring break to exotic Thailand. OMG I like, loooove pho!

The Opera House Tour/Opera Bar is really not that cool but you have to take pics in front of it or else your parents will be all like, why couldn't you just go get cultured in Europe, quel fucking dommage.

Finally to pretend to know about sports go to a football or rugby game and if you want to #77 shop for some aboriginal garb be sure to hit up the Westfield Mall in Bondi Junction. Or you could just go to the beach and call it a day.

You Shouldn't Go to Sydney: If you're not skinny and fun or you fear the marsupial. Also the weed kind of sucks but you can get drugs pretty easily. If all else fails, go to the Health Center and say you're homesick in exchange for a Xanax.

 

drunk kang

 

But more importantly, what's with this country's shit with vodka? Like if we wanted to chug boxed wine at pregames we would've stayed at college and gotten roofied at a neighboring frat house. Australians have beef with blacking out so BSCBs beware of getting kicked out of bars.

Also, make sure not to get killed by a native Australian animal. They're all poisonous and there's a 40% chance you will get eaten by a shark…shit happens. Finally, Sydney is not for the homophobic betch, as they do love their GBFFs. There's a gay Mardi Gras parade, and you'll have your choice of gay bars to chill at with your GBFFs on King and Oxford street.

At Night You Should: Go to Ivy Bar or the Argyle Hotel to meet rich, young Aussie guys. If you're looking to go down under with a pro in a suit while being classy, this is the place to go. Don't forget that buying a hot dog at the hot dog stand in the cobblestone courtyard means you're fat.

To #118 not branch out and only chill with Americans, go to World Bar where you get fucked up drinking drinks out of teapots.

On Wednesdays you'll go to Golden Sheaf at Bondi Beach which is outdoors and hopefully you'll be so skinny that you'll need the heat lamps to shield your skin and bones from the 60 degree weather. Make sure to hit up Cargo Bar and if you're a trashier bitch you'll definitely go to the Gaff and possibly enter a wet t-shirt contest at midnight run by an old creepy dude. Only go on Tuesday unless you're a GBFF looking to chill with a Gaff spelled backwards.

So betches, if you’re skinny and love being tan, Sydney is your abroad paradise. It should be noted that Australia is not for everyone. For the anal hard working betch, you might feel out of place and stifled by a lack of museums and churches to pretend to care about. So check out the great barrier reef and do your best to catch a glimpse of Liam Hemsworth. And for god sakes stay away from the bangers, barbie, and dunnys. In the wise words of Ja'mie King, "why don't you go fuck yourself, public school bitch."

 

 

23 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    You should consider writing about Dallas/Austin

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  2. Anonymous says:

    Austin?? You can’t be serious.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Atx says:

    Austin is the shit!!

    Posted on Reply
  4. jules says:

    OBSESSED with this entire post.  sydney is an amazing city with nonstop partying and spending your days hungover at the beach..my study abroad experience was the most ridiculous, out of control 5 months of my life.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    You forgot about Marquee.. Is better than both argyle and the ivy

    Posted on Reply
    • AussieBetch says:

      No thanks. I’d rather not stand in line for 2 hours and lose my buzz from pres only to walk into the most pretentious place is Sydney. Ivy and argyle all the way.

      Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    After reading this I cant describe how much more excited I am to study abroad there in a month.. Thank You <3

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    This is literally my entire study abroad experience. uncanny.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    6th street is the shit

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Please tell me this comment was from Brooke?!? And I agree it was exactly like my study abroad experience.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    “homophobic betch” is an oxymoron.  if you’re homophobic, you’re not a betch.

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  11. Anonymous says:

    F yes to Dallas. Austin is cool too

    Posted on Reply
  12. goonbag says:

    the GC is where its at.

    Posted on Reply
  13. AussieBetch says:

    Accurate account of Sydney, if you’re keen on good weed and hot pros, hit up Melbourne, or GC as well.

    Posted on Reply
  14. KnoxvilleVFL says:

    I spent a week in Sydney while studying abroad in New Zealand. While it is up there with my favorite cities in the world, I have to say I would chose NZ any day. It’s funny because the two are like older and younger siblings. They have a love/hate relationship. NZ has far less chance of dying from dangerous animals and the scenery is absolutely to die for no matter what direction you look in. Plus…LORD OF THE FUCKING RINGS!

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    • hannah says:

      are you fucking kidding me? what betch has ever given a shit about lord of the rings?

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  15. RacheRosen says:

    I’m completely convinced we were in the same study abroad program and partied together.

    Posted on Reply
  16. goonfordays says:

    this is my entire study abroad experience EXACTLY.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Straya says:

    NZ has too many sheep. Melbourne is the place - Surfers in Torquay, backpackers in St Kilda, musos in Northcote, rich blokes in South Yarra. The betch has too many choices.

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  18. BomberBetch says:

    Definitely agree with Straya.  Plus footy (Aussie rules) blokes are way hotter than rugby players, and Melbourne is full of them.

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  19. Amen says:

    AFL players = sexmachines. Do not go to World Bar to hang with dorky Americans, and I would pass on anything located in Kings Cross.  You may think you’re hot, but Sydney girls are gorgeous and take incredibly good care of themselves so dress your best if you want to compete.  They know they are hot though, and can be mean to cheeky advances from beautiful blokes…. so your “foreign” accent will still get you a few points.  The Beresford Hotel and Flinders in Surry Hills are two less touristy places that are so. fucking. fun.  Go out in Manly if you want to meet some beautiful, but painfully dumb surfy blokes… but you also might end up with a sexy Brazilian whispering portugese sweet nothings in your ear.

    One more tip for going out in Sydney - don’t try to catch a cab between 2am to 4am…. always make sure you’re where you want to stay, because this is when they do a shift change and NOONE absolutely noone will pick you up and take you home. Not for money, i know it’s absurd.  I love Sydney but I agree with Straya - Melb is where it’s at!!

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  20. Brenda says:

    SF! New York! LA!

    Posted on Reply
  21. sydney betch says:

    THIS IS MY EXACT EXPERIENCE OMFG so on point… Sydney is seriously the best city in the whole entire world with the best people. Moving there as soon as I can afford it

    Posted on Reply
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