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By The Betches on

It's 2 pm on Monday afternoon and you've just about had it with this class/job/sitting on your couch doing nothing experience. Facebook has become boring as shit and despite refreshing Instagram 15 times in 20 minutes you still haven't seen one entertaining Kardashian/Jenner selfie. Then suddenly something pops up on your bestie's wall. It's an article that could not be more relevant to the complex and tumultuous state of your successful and fulfilling life right now: it's Buzzfeed's Which Famous Turtle Are You? quiz. Bam! Nailed it. Buzzfeed knows you too well. 

Some may laugh but only you and Buzzfeed are in on the secret that your favorite slang word, SNL weekend host, and Olive Garden Appetizer are the only keys you need to unlock which type of sandwich you and your besties are. But wait, who needs a career aptitude test when Buzzfeed has revealed what your parents knew before your first Dalton interview: you and your five closest friends were all destined to become vice presidents! 

It's clear that Buzzfeed is the only website with the answer to any of life's essential questions. Betches and Buzzfeed know the truth. If you don't know which member of One Direction you should marry then you don't know shit about life. Knowing critical life information like the fact that you would be ice cream if you were a food makes it easier to navigate the harsh realities of our existence. Obviously it's more validating than any high ranking GMAT score to know that everybody wants and needs you and that your personality can be summed up by an expensive sandwich. Fucking duh.

So betches remember that instead of studying for your actual poli-sci quiz you should be taking Buzzfeed's What Famous Person Should You Get High With? quiz. Like, let's be real. Who gives a shit about the fucking state of the union if you haven't taken a quiz on the state where your next vacation should be?

10 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. LOVE THIS says:

    The satire and sarcasm in this is amazing.  “What kind of chair are you”?  Hilar.

    Posted on Reply
  2. perf says:

    I just took a “Should you move to Canada quiz?”
    love Buzzfeed- such an absurd distraction

    Posted on Reply
  3. Is This Serious? says:

    But actually, is this article seriously implying that Buzzfeed is betchy?! I can’t even process how a list that so perfectly described my love for everything from lulumelon to investment bankers now includes buzzfeed quizzes.

    Buzzfeed is a website founded and run by hipsters living in Brooklyn. It is not expensive or exclusive in any way.  A true betch knows her worth, she does not need an online quiz to tell her that she has a “brie” as opposed to a “cheddar” personality. If you need Buzzfeed to tell you that you a better than everyone else, you’re probably not.

    Posted on Reply
    • Come on says:

      Satire, my friend, satire.

      Posted on Reply
    • Yes, it's so serious says:

      Brie, seriously? There’s pretty much one level of brie quality. Don’t get me wrong, it’s perfect for my wheat thins, but there are some niiiiiiice cheddars.

      Posted on Reply
  4. betch says:

    Buzzfeed told me to get high with Miley. Betch, is this a joke?

    Posted on Reply
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