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By The Betches on

"Brussels sprouts are the nerdy girl in high school that got hot." - Jared Fried

When betches dine, they always scan the sides section on the menu because they say everything about the restaurant. Oh you don’t have lobster in your mac n cheese? What kind of poor establishment is this? Well that, and because sometimes a betch will take a side as her whole meal. So she doesn’t want to choose something too fattening but definitely something filling, delicious, and obviously trendy. Therefore our number one side dish is the highly chic and extremely farty vegetable Brussels Sprouts.

Remember when brussels sprouts were like the most universally hated most disgusting food and then suddenly someone decided to throw them in oil with salt pepper and garlic and charge us $15.00 for like six and we’re like OMG what is this godly creation!? Well it happened. Like, if this were three years ago and someone told you you’d not only be ordering but you’d be craving BRUSSELS sprouts during hungover Sunday Brunch you’d immediately tell them to go fuck themselves. But now you’re like, specially requesting/demanding the kitchen to make them for you from the dinner menu if they’re not available for brunch because you’re that big of an entitled bitch committed. 

The way in which a restaurant prepares its brussels determines the quality of the rest of its food. Here’s a quick guide:


Not too oily, not too dry. All sog no crisp means they probably don’t even know what truffle oil is: a brussel for the lower class. Restaurant might as well be Grade Pending. Ew.


Besides the standard seasoning, if a restaurant will add melted fine cheeses or pancetta you know they care about food. JABs it's okay to pretend not to know what pancetta is when ordering and eat it anyway when you realize it's bacon. 


Dark green leaves with a lighter green core. Brown burnt loose leaves mixed around. A brussel for queens. This type of restaurant will judge you for ordering tap water, so like, a place you want to be seen.

Other ways: 

Sometimes a restaurant will feel adventurous and decide to do brussels two ways or prepare them uncooked as a salad. You will order it anyway because you know you're dining in a really chic resto but you're secretly pissed off because how hard is it to get a fucking plate of fucking roasted brussels sprouts!? You will not say this out loud. 

So betches, next time you’re debating what you want to have for breakfast, lunch, or dinner just remember that you already know the answer. It’s green, it’s healthy, it’s fucking trendy, the answer is obviously brussels sprouts. 

25 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. betch debois says:

    but, like, who eats mac and cheese?

    Posted on Reply
    • lobsta says:

      You don’t eat it, you just need to know that it’s there.

      Posted on Reply
  2. Ahhh? says:

    Can you do a follow up on what to do when said brussels sprout cause you to accidentally shart in a bros’ face when he’s in the middle of going down on you?  215. Spackle Removal

    Posted on Reply
  3. wtf says:

    go live in a hole.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Dumb betches says:

    Betches, it’s BRUSSEL sprouts, not brussels sprouts. Almost as bad as someone pronouncing Burberry as “Burr-berry”. gross…

    Posted on Reply
    • you're the dumbass says:

      i love when people try to correct the betches and they’re just completely wrong.

      Posted on Reply
      • Lalaland says:

        erm, please re-read what you wrote. also, they don’t always go inside the QUOTATION marks- if you’re quoting from somewhere, you end the quote and then add the punctuation. Basic english, and it isn’t even my first language.

        Posted on Reply
          • Lalaland says:

            “Erm”, kindly read the following link
   espec,ially the part that says as follows:

            Use double quotes at the start and end of a quoted section, with single quotes for quoted words within that section. Place full points and commas inside the quotes for a complete quoted sentence; otherwise the point comes outside – “Anna said: ‘Your style guide needs updating,’ and I said: ‘I agree.’ ” but: “Anna said updating the guide was ‘a difficult and time-consuming task’.”

            Now, I understand that there might be some differences between the English and the American way of written expression, but please excuse me if I choose to follow those who actually came up with the language.

            Posted on Reply
            • Alli says:

              This is an American website so I’m pretty sure you can’t criticize the writer for using the rules of grammar acceptable in their own country. Also who says erm, get a life.

              Posted on Reply
            • ERM says:

              who the fuck quotes the guardian?

              Posted on Reply
    • nycbetch says:

      Nope. Definitely BRUSSELS sprouts.

      Posted on Reply
  5. Sarah says:

    Um. Where’s kale?

    Posted on Reply
  6. intern betches...learn to spell!!!!!! says:

    This entire article needs plastic surgery. Re: the second paragraph which is seriously lacking in like, 10 commas. It’s difficult to take the brilliant content of this article seriously when it looks like it’s written by the foreign exchange student I paid to do my math homework in freshman year of college who tried to emulate the “American Girl”. Puh-lease, someone need to brush up on the English language. Not impressed, Betches.

    Posted on Reply
  7. uhm says:

    truffle oil is fake. Its not even real food, real betches only eat shaved black truffle. hello…

    Posted on Reply
  8. caveat says:

    fuckers cause some serious fart storms

    Posted on Reply
  9. omg STOP. says:

    I was literally JUST given shit by my co-workers for always ordering Brussels sprouts when we go out for dinner. THANK YOU for justifying my eating habits.

    Posted on Reply
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