In honor of how fucking hot Ryan Lochte is, we decided it to be the perfect time to broast ugly hot bro Michael Phelps. After seeing his premier bong ripping skills, it solidified the fact that the Olympics is strikingly similar to the Hunger Games. Except instead of killing people, the torture is watching men’s kayaking. Here are our top ten reasons why MP is our Broast of the week.
1. Although MP is one ugly motherfucker, we cannot deny the sculpted, chisled masterpiece that is his abs. Plus, he’s like a legitimate merman. The guy has size 14 feet, double-jointed ankles to create flippers, the torso of a person who is 6’8, the legs of one who is 5’10, and 0% body fat. It’s safe to say not only are his
penis socks fucking huge, but he’s also clearly a master at #5 dieting.
2. Obvs he smokes a shit ton of weed. It would be foolish not to when you have the lung capacity of a carwash dryer/indoor skydiving wind tunnel. He was quoted after the incident claiming, “I mean, we were just celebrating honestly.” Yeah, fucking obviously, MP. Despite his extensive attempts to ‘apologize’ because he was ‘so, so sorry’ for ‘getting really fucking blazed’, we knew it was all just so he could keep his Subway endorsement and continue to high-munch for free. Not to mention the bong was sold on eBay for $100,000.
4. He attended UMichigan for college, which is a sick party school. And now we look forward to the comment section of the article being filled with people telling us to do a college write-up on UMichigan.
5. This maybe-gay accumulation of tweets (in no particular order):
6. He cheated on 2010’s Miss Cali with 2009 Miss Cali. Like, did you get too high and forget which one you were dating? This baffles us for many reasons: one being the fact that these beauty pageant winners were ever attracted to him, and the second being that we had no idea brunettes existed in California. Regardless, he’s reportedly single now and has been spotted gf-scouting on the set of Toddlers and Tiaras.
7. Not only did he take 2 years off of training because, when you’re a legitimate member of the Amphibian Mermanian family, you don’t have to like train (do you think the Australian loggerheads in Finding Nemo had to train to swim across the East Australian Current? They absolutely did not. And they, too, were potheads), but he also voluntarily dropped from the 200m freestyle race in this year’s London games “to focus on the other 3 relays for USA”…I guess by making it seem like it’s a ‘focus’ thing rather than a ‘brb i'm just gonna get a little high’ thing, it makes it sound more legit to the intellectual assemblage of the American people. Talk about manipulating people to not do work.
8. On the topic of manipulating really intelligent people, apparently MP is also an expert on lying to the police. He was involved in a car crash after a night of drinking and driving with an invalid license, and like didn’t even go to jail. We assume it was because the cops realized how he looked just like Toby on PLL, and were too scared to look directly into his eyes. Either that, or he used his amphibious merman-ness to sing a hypnotic siren song leaving the police entranced as he casually drove off.
9. We hear through our friends who spend their free time reading books that he in fact wrote two of his own on training and his will to
get stoned succeed. As if people give a shit. If America wanted to read about young adults striving to succeed in the world while single handedly keeping their pot dealer in business, they would skip the PayPal bullshit on Amazon and just read this website.
10. He has like, a lot of gold.