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By The Betches on

With HBO's Girls supposedly 'revolutionizing' female television, the ugliness of that show has left us yearning for the days when hot and shady non-hipster bros ruled primetime. No bro embodies this more than the one whose signature move is name dropping himself. He's...Chuck Bass.

Chuck is your typical NYC trust fund pro. But unlike beau bestie Nate Archibald, Chuck doesn't care about life's trivial details such as his education or being nice to people. He's all about booze, betches, Blair and being bored. Even though this is a broast, we must commend Chuck on living our dream of doing nothing all day. Sure he occasionally distracts himself with fun pursuits of manipulating his friends and family, but he is typically seen behind a bar or whispering sweet nothings to people from the back of his limo.

chuck bass

Betches love Chuck for many reasons, but chief among them is the fact that he is casually the Scott Disick of Gossip Girl. They're both fond of drugs and alcohol and using other people's money to pursue projects for 10 minutes before becoming bored again. The two also share an appreciation for the most luxe pastels and hair gel that nightclub profits can buy. "The product in my hair...it's made of finely crushed pebbles from the black sand beaches of Porto di Ponente...the bottle had its own seat on my jet to #63 America." - Either one of them.

Much like any typical #53 SAB, Chuck is in love with Blair, so instead of being kind he makes weird plots to manipulate her and all her friends, and potentially sell her to his uncle/maybe-dad in return for a hotel. And you think it's bad when a guy waits 30 minutes to text you back. Honestly, his relationship issues make total sense when you think about the array of women he thought were his mothers! From the amnesiac lesbian in Mullholland Drive to a fembot, his fucked up mommy issues might even top Don Draper's.

Side note: Do we think five seasons is enough to drag out the Chuck and Blair happily ever after ending? Or has Blair not dated enough of the main characters? Are the producers turning Lily into a bitch so that Blair can eventually take Rufus for a spin? Or perhaps Chuck should get stabbed/die just one more time for us to really enjoy their inevitable union?

chuck and nateI'm... Chuck Bass

Chuckster may be the second hottest bro on Gossip Girl, but he rarely concerns himself with typical bro-ey things like frats/sports/video games/porn. First of all, Chuck Bass doesn't need porn because he has hookers on call. And he doesn't need all that other shit because he derives most of his pleasure from getting fucked up, having phone sex with his "private investigator," and perfecting the 'verge on gay chic' look.

But I mean, we would do him in a second, signature scarf and all.

One thing we do wonder is like, what does he actually do all day? When he's not managing his off-shore accounts that he's had since he was 17, he sort of just lurks around and speaks to people in baritone. Like he doesn't have a job because he doesn't need one, which is fine, because you know what we say, the less the merrier. We'll just assume he's the only character who was too busy blacking out when they sent the mandatory memo that every character must pretend to enroll in NYU.

So betches, take a shot in honor of Chuck Bass and remember, if we can change the word to betch, Chuck can definitely change the word to bass hole.

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19 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. true betch says:

    So fucking on point betches like he is THE ultimate definition of a bro

    Posted on Reply
  2. anon says:

    omg so perf like fucking duh, obvi.

    Posted on Reply
  3. sneaky betch says:

    Is Blair the only character in the immediate friend group that wasn’t at some point a brother/sister or step sibling? Chuck baby.

    Posted on Reply
  4. rachel says:

    I’m obsessed with Chuck Bass. He’s so freaking sexy, this post was great about him though

    Posted on Reply
  5. Mary says:

    Best post ev. couldn’t agree more especially how awesome he is at doing nothing! He’s is so fucking hot obvi

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    this was quality, honestly Chuck is the biggest SAB ever ever ever remember when he punched the window past Blair’s face? borderline abusive…

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    You’re fucked up.

    Posted on Reply
  8. anonn says:

    you failed to mention the oversized babygrow he appeared to be wearing a couple of episodes back… not even Chuck Bass can pull that nappy bum off.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Wow this is great. I love Chuck Bass but there has been many a debate about him among my friends. Some think he is just downright ugly, others think he is ugly/hot (because of money or SAB attitude), while others like me think he is sexy. Obviously he not traditionally hot like Nate but I think theres a certain something about his look. Thoughts?

    Posted on Reply
  10. not oprah says:

    this is not a book club.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    get the fuck out of here

    Posted on Reply
  12. Brianna says:

    Hey Betches! Guess who popped on my elevator Monday and rode an amazing 7 floors with me? YEP - Bass Hole. Love living in New York City, #hairflip

    Posted on Reply
  13. Annie says:

    He’s attractive because he’s such a SAB, no one would look twice if he was Dan Humphrey.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    shut up #youcantbeserious

    Posted on Reply
  15. Ivy says:

    laughed my ass off all the way up to “we would do him in a second.”

    then (.___.)

    nasty.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Ivy says:

    laughed my ass of all the way to “we would do him in a second.”

    then it was like (.__.)^ewwww!

    Posted on Reply
  17. Ivy says:

    laughed my ass off all the way up to “we would do him in a second.”

    i can feel the chunks rising in my throat and now my masseuse said i have a lot of tension in my back!

    Posted on Reply
  18. Gamzy says:

    That mother Chucker is just the best…..i want a guy besty just like that

    Posted on Reply
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