By The Betches on

Betch Factor: 7.0

The Betch who grew up there: bought her first pipe at the Haight Street Fair before she turned 13, at which she also had her first experience with edibles. She comes from the most eclectic of betchy cities and while most of our kind do not #118 branch out, the SF betch is down. You never know when a casual group of naked protestors will brush by you while shopping on Fillmore or when you'll meet a drag queen at your burrito place. OMG vom I’d never go to Cantina, it’s all about Taqueria they have the best drinks!!

betchography san fran"The San Fran betches are after me!!"

The San Francisco betch is the product of social realism and sophistication, like she knew the definition of bicurious in preschool, and her cultural awareness is reflected in her style and interests. She has an affinity for gays unlike any other probably because every male she knows, from her kindergarten teacher to her dad(s), is a homo.

The SF betch most likely attended private school at International, Urban, Drew, Lick or one of the catholic schools like Convent or Saint Ignatius. If you went to a public school other than Lowell for the TABs, you are obviously a product of the recent passage of the Dream Act.

While many Cali betches spent their high school nights getting blackout at house parties or clubs, the San Francisco betch partied primarily outdoors. If you didn’t get multiple texts every Saturday about a “keg in the park at 7” you were probably really into community theater or something.

For college, the only schools that are out of the question are those in the city itself. Born and raised San Franciscans only attend San Francisco colleges if they have serious social disorders or are like, extremely into acid.

The Betch who lives there: can be found at yuppy bars in the Marina or the Presidio, shopping in Union Square, buying drugs from Roosevelt, smoking in Dolores Park, or attending Giants games, or smoking in Dolores Park.

Nothing pisses off a native more than someone who claims to be “from the bay!!” when they’re really from a bordering “city” 90 minutes away. If you take Bart into the city YOU ARE NOT FROM THE FUCKING CITY. If you call it Frisco or San Fran you're probably one of those people who doesn't get it or a persian immigrant.

The Betch Who Visits: will definitely be so excited to instagram a pic of the Haight Ashbury sign that she won't even notice she's surrounded by junkies.

She should also hit up the Castro aka the gay capital of the world. This magical stretch of homo-topia has been sprinkled with the dust of a million fairies. Brace yourself, you are about to see more assless chaps and leather vests than you thought ever existed in the world. And if you haven’t experienced a Castro Halloween, you’re probs wasting your life.

San Francisco Pride is also the ideal opportunity for betches and their GBFFs to roll balls while simultaneously like, meeting the mayor.

The SF Betch Avoids: cable cars, Pier 39 and Fisherman’s Warf. If we wanted to smell fish while being surrounded by gross tourists we'd go to a strip club. And while the visiting betch might marvel at the workout potential of the city’s mountainous hills, the SF betch was over that shit by the time she got her license and drives fucking everywhere.

Would've gotten a higher score if not for: all of the crackheads and homeless people who actually make you feel endangered 40% of the time you step out of your house.

So betches, if you have never been to the City by the Bay, it’s def worth the visit. As any SF betch who's left her hometown will tell you, she left her heart (or whatever she has in the place where hearts go) in fucking San Francisco.

<< Betchography: Chicago

 

49 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Ana says:

    Yes. This is my life betches.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Bay area betch says:

    The girls from the bay are definitely just as or more betchy than they’re pac heights counterparts. I’m talking mill valley, palo alto, atherton, Betches.

    Posted on Reply
    • 415betch says:

      this is very true, betch! the marin girls are betchy no doubt.

      Posted on Reply
      • sfbetch says:

        sfbetches > bayarea betches. really though, noone ever comes to california to go see omg mill valley… like you might as well accept that you guys will never be as good. there is not even a comparison.

        Posted on Reply
        • False says:

          Have you ever been to Mill Valley in the summer? It’s overrun with tourists. But whoever said it’s betchy must have had an aneurysm and confused it with Tiburon or Belvedere where you can boat to the restaurants or SF from your private dock, and not be surrounded by mv pseudo-hippies.

          Posted on Reply
      • hahahha says:

        “piedmont betch”

        Posted on Reply
      • Annie says:

        Piedmont is most definitely betchy!

        Posted on Reply
    • MV says:

      Mill Valley is the same district as Marin City. I mean, word that’s where Tupacs from… but like that’s where Tupacs from…

      Posted on Reply
      • Marin Betch says:

        Agreed. Marin County happens to be one of the most affluent counties in the United States - and yes, Tupac is from Marin City, but first of all betches Tupac is legit, and secondly, about 20% of the world’s crackheads originate from the Tenderloin, which is close to Union Square & the Financial District and is also in San Francisco County. Marin is most definitely VERY betchy. I would know because I spent my summers between a mansion on Nob Hill, another mansion in Belvedere and yet another in Mill Valley. (My school years were spent in a New England prep school.) True Bay Betch all the way.

        Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Spot on, well done.

    Posted on Reply
  4. anonymous says:

    You forgot University High School..the richest of them all

    Posted on Reply
    • Anonymous says:

      Second. UHS is loaded and def the most betchy. Urban is for people who think they’re hippster, MA is for people who think they’re artsy, and lick is just weird

      Posted on Reply
    • anonymous says:

      and the betchiest. If you’re from San Francisco but you didn’t go to University, you’re nobody. People who go to International are people who think they are artsy and shit. No one cares.

      Posted on Reply
      • IHS betch says:

        Could you be any further from an SF betch?? You must’ve been one of those girls who drove 45 minutes from outer Marin everyday just to say you went to UHS. Stay out of my city

        Posted on Reply
        • UHS betch says:

          People from IHS spray painted uhs his year….desperate much?

          Posted on Reply
      • Concerned says:

        It is very alarming ( not to mention pathetic) that someone coming out of such a “reputable” school could still live in a world of such imaginary hierarchies based on material possessions and an unfounded sense of elevated self worth. Such comments demote the integrity and prestige of any institution attempting to establish itself as a center of higher learning in a city as open minded and accepting as San Francisco.

        Posted on Reply
    • annonymous says:

      yeah its a school is effing pac heights and the majority of kids live a block away from school. obvs the richest

      Posted on Reply
      • wrong says:

        most of the uhs kids came from around the city. I lived in the haight and took the 43 to uhs and watched all the rich pac heights girls roll over to urban looking like homeless people despite their bmws and mansions.

        Posted on Reply
  5. S says:

    Ew, except Marina bars are for wannabe pros who haven’t grown out of their frat bro days yet. Vom.

    Posted on Reply
    • Gay BFF says:

      Yes, spot on.  Polk Street / North Beach is where it’s at! Or the ‘stro, obvs. smile

      Posted on Reply
    • anonymous says:

      i was gonna say that. the marinas where all the “bay area” people go once they get their cab from wherever the fuck bart drops you off (i wouldnt know ive never has to ride bart). no sf betch would go out in the marina unless theyre still in high school using their fake IDs

      Posted on Reply
    • Lizzo says:

      amen to all of the above. polk is where it’s at, unless you’re a berk sorority girl who just turned 21 and wants a party bus in the marina.

      Posted on Reply
  6. Pacific Heights says:

    Why are you even reading this? It’s about San Francisco, not the “greater bay area”. If you think any girl from Marin has a San Francisco counterpart, especially from Pacific Heights, you’re sorely mistaken.

    Posted on Reply
  7. A says:

    Who the FUCK is from Atherton? Is that like a section of Oakland?

    Posted on Reply
    • Menlo Betch says:

      Look up Menlo School, the size of the endowment and the companies of which all of the parents are CEOs, and reevaluate that statement. Except that everyone knows all the best ones are from Woodside and Hillsborough.

      Posted on Reply
      • SFC says:

        Menlo Betch’s nouveau riche comment speaks for itself.  You can take the girl out of Menlo, but you can take the Menlo out of the girl.  Also, if you have to bother to tell people to look up your school…I meeeeaaaan…

        Posted on Reply
    • The Betches of Marin says:

      BTW betches, marin girls are cray betchy. We are commuters and we are fucking proud! We look pretty badass on our day trips to neiman marcus and Saks where we strut and try on dresses that are worth more than you. Not to mention that we are all fucking fablulous. Marin is where its at. We get the amazingness of SFwhile living fucking classy lives and not be surrounded by streaking hobos and haight street hippies. So suck on that. (BTW there are classy parts of SF ( see Fillmore and Union square and Ferry plaza! Thats where the becthes are at near there organic fucking cheese all the way from betchy marin) they aint all hippies, so stop ur hating its just Haight) MARIN IS HIGH CLASS. Love, the fetch betch (dats right we mean girls)

      Posted on Reply
  8. 4 says:

    By bars in the presidio…...do you mean the bowling alley?

    Posted on Reply
    • anon says:

      hahah yeah i was wondering about that.  a little questionable.

      Posted on Reply
  9. SF says:

    Most of the 20-somethings that live in sf grew up in rich bay area suburbs (marin, piedmont, lamorinda) and have partied in the city since high school

    Posted on Reply
  10. Julia says:

    Accurate, except socially aware city betches would never make racist jokes about the fucking Dream Act, please. Anyway, betches that hang out at Marina bars are hardly SF natives. Anyone over 20 still hanging around is from across some bridge or another.

    Posted on Reply
  11. menlo..NO says:

    Pretty FUCKING sure that Atherton is like ATLEAST 35 miles away from San Francisco sooo stop TTH and pretending you’re a San Francisco betch, when clearly you’re not.

    Posted on Reply
  12. exboyfriend of many an sf betch says:

    even if i excuse the racism, slut shame, and classism you filled this piece with you’ve still got it all wrong. sf betches dont dare party in the parks in hs—-too much mud, not enough sun, no mirrors to look at themselves and the potential for spotting animals is too high you’ll find a real sf betch in someones parents basement, on a black dealers dick in oakland [when mom and dad think shes seeing a movie], or pretending to be in college at some other party and speaking of college if she didnt fuck up senior year due to adderall or xanax and end up at city she prob goes to state or usf to be among all the socal betches who migrate here

    Posted on Reply
    • love says:

      the condemnation of racism, slut shame and classism. but, wait…“on a black dealer’s dick in oakland”? ok, kardashian girl. “betch” must have a different connotation on the west coast. in connecticut your dealer is a kennedy cousin and you only see black dick on hbo

      Posted on Reply
    • Betch Please says:

      exboyfriend of many an sf betch? hostility much? clearly you know nothing about san francisco especially referencing an entirely different city. so why don’t you take your uneducated post and go back to fucking Piedmont or wherever it is your from because it sure as hell isn’t San Francisco.

      Posted on Reply
  13. Piedmont Betch says:

    Anyone betch familiar with the bay area at all knows (or hates because they long to be) the Piedmont betch. The Piedmont betch goes into the city AT LEAST every other weekend to get her hair blown dry on her mom’s tab for the themed DP that night (or cemetery keg if, shockingly, people’s parents are home). The Piedmont betch drives a benz, beamer or a lexus and only locks its doors when she ventures out 10 minutes into (gasp!) Oakland. She’s the betchiest but also super chill because of her lifelong proximity to the ghetto and because she has her drug dealer on speed dial.

    Posted on Reply
    • anon says:

      im sorry…did you just say “cemetery keg”
      ew

      Posted on Reply
  14. SF Betch says:

    “If you didn’t get multiple texts every Saturday about a “keg in the park at 7” you were probably really into community theater or something.”

    Wow. It’s like you totally knew me in high school. Hella disturbing (had to get a hella in there).

    Posted on Reply
  15. Your Name says:

    PARK PARTIES AT THE GOLF COURSE

    Posted on Reply
  16. Bro invasion says:

    Whoever wrote this definitely went to urban or international if she is partying in the park. House parties are popular for every non-hipster school

    Posted on Reply
  17. SF Betch says:

    Urban represent! Can’t believe I didn’t see this until now!

    Posted on Reply
  18. berkeleybetch says:

    We get hella tourists in Berkeley SF isn’t the only hotspot!

    Posted on Reply
  19. SI betch says:

    Why is there all this talk about these lame little schools like UHS and Urban? The real betch knows the best parties were always at an SI guy (preferrably lacrosse players) house somewhere in pac heights or Marin. The guys at UHS and Urban? Just pathetic. All you betches know this too, but probably wont admit it.

    Posted on Reply
  20. NATIVE says:

    You are all mentally deranged and this article couldn’t be ANY further away from the concept of San Francisco. You are all a product of the disgusting snobbery that has invaded this city. I’m a San Francisco NATIVE and literally nothing in this article applies to me. I think its disgusting that someone would actually say that public high school grads are a product of the Dream Act. Or that hanging out in the Marina is actually cool. I bet some So Cal transplant or wanna be city Marin kid wrote this garbage. By the way, if you’re going to take the time to write an article don’t use “probs”. Stop trying to sound catchy and just write the word probably. You are all as equally lame as the next person in this comment section. I’m deleting the idiot who posted this on my Facebook news feed.  Good day

    Posted on Reply
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