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By The Betches on

Betch Factor: 7.514

Le Betch who Lives There: is probably complaining about the fact that povo people are protesting tuition hikes. It's like 300$, just don’t go out for like one night and you’ll be fine!

I mean, it's not like she even really gives a shit. She probably lives in either Westmount, Hampstead, TMR or Outremont because anywhere else is for nicegirls in Roots sweatpants. Her boyfriend probably lives in Griffintown or Old Montreal because he wants to be trendy, and it’s completely normal that she still lives at home or is waiting to “move out" until her boyfriend has a sick loft or something.

The MTL betch would NEVER go to a public school simply because her parents would rather vomit their premade Java U sandwiches than allow their baby to be surrounded by the great unwashed. She probably went to high school at LCC, St. George’s, ECS, The Study or Sacred Heart and the Montrejews may have gone to Bialik. Seriously though, ONE more combo of Lululemons, a Free City hoodie and Uggs, I swear I could fucking jump off the Champlain Bridge. If she is unfortunate enough to speak French as her first language, then she went to Pensionnat Saint Nom de Marie, where people get off to Jesus and like, their hail marys. After high school she went to CEGEP at Marionopolis if she wanted to pretend to do work or Dawson if she wanted to stay high. During this pivotal point in the betch's life, she most likely will ditch her high school friends for people she actually thinks are chill. As the wealthy private schools filter into the two main CEGEPs, the crews will form super-cliques of only the most popular bitches from each school, trimming the fat both figuratively and literally.

montrealTu as du feu?

It’s important to note that learning and speaking French is less of a privilege and more of an oppressive law in Quebec. Refusal to speak it by the Anglo-Betch is one of the ways in which she feels control in a world full of chaos. When a crew verges on the bilingual, the English girls die of laughter any time the Francophones speak fluently and in a thick accent. The French of Quebec are descended from like, whores and people who got kicked out of France, so it’s kind of really trashy. Therefore, the betch’s Francais is weak because her parents hired a tutor to do her homework all throughout her academic career.

The cliché betch will most likely be shopping at Holt Renfrew, which is pretty much the Canadian wannabe Sak’s where she'll be able to find some semblance of an expensive, if not basic outfit. If she’s done shopping with her parents at Ogilvy’s then she may head over to one of Montreal’s boutiques like TNT, Editorial, Essence, Cahier d’Exercices, Reborn, and James.

Uncharacteristic of the global betch movement, the Montrealer actually places value on good food. She loves to get high and go “eat“ sushi at Kaizen, Westmount Square, Ginger or Ryu. Some other staple drunk&munchies would include Montreal-style bagels, Banquise poutines or peanut butter noodles. The JABs will have their non-religious pseudo-Sabbath dinner at Moishe’s, where their grandmothers will tell them that they are the 6th generation of their family eating there while she subtlety drinks her weight in white wine. The WASBs are probably enjoying the Friday night quiet during the Jewish absence at the Taverne or Bice, and discuss parliament and cashmere scarves. If she’s not at one of those places then she is probably at Cavalli, Les Enfants Terribles, Milo’s or some other expensive restaurant named after somebody foreign. No matter where they’re eating, they will all talk shit in unison about whoever walks in, because everybody knows everything about everyone.

Montrealers rarely leave for college. Why would they? McGill is amazing, and if she wanted to go to a second rate university she could just go to Concordia, no need to relocate out of the bubble. Plus, weed is all around you, the legal drinking age is optional, and the separation anxiety from their nannies would be all too much to bear. And due to the lax drinking age and the stupidity of most Montreal bouncers, the betch has been raging at clubs since like summer of grade 8. Unless she was miraculously able to get a dinner reso at Garde Manger, her night out will start off at a Pre-Drink in a fancy kitchen, only to wind up there later to dance on tables. It is only acceptable to go to Buonanotte if for the entire week prior you complain about how you’re over it and will not be going back. To casually end up there on a Saturday night is a much different thing then to actually plan your Saturday night around going there. Looks like I’m going to have to make a cameo at the Buona party…

Notre Dame Street is the increasingly common place to find an MTL betch these days. She will start her night eating drinking at Joe Beef or Liverpool House and then make her way across the street to her fave bar. Burgundy Lion is the overpriced British pub for the betch who decides that she is like, not doing clubs for the moment. She likes to come here because it allows her to believe that she is edgy, the hot bus-boys want her and the homeless love to serenade her with French love songs that she ignores. Everybody who goes there now complains that it has become a scene, yet deep down the betch is thankful that everyone now gets to see her casual outfits and how pretty she is with light makeup.

montrealGet your bongos out of my face, bro

The day after a night out, she is probably nursing a serious hangover and texting her friends that she needs to be scooped to smoke a J. If they have ran out of weed, they are going to pick from their brother. One of the best things about Montreal is that all of the drug dealers are young Jewish boys in baggy sweatpants. The betch and her crew smoke multiple joints as they make their way over the mountain to have brunch at Beauty’s, Nick’s or Leméac where they will drink ice caps and eat 3 crumbs of a baguette. If the betch is feeling fat or has completely lost her mind, she will take down a Bonjour or Club Salad from Beauty’s while overindulging in one of their giant shakes. Sundays you can find her getting extremely high at the Tams or raging at Picnik Electronik. They should like charge a cover, this would be so much better if all these dirty hippies weren’t here!

The beautiful Montreal summers remind the betch why she actually continues to live there after the horror of a blizzard filled winter. She looks forward to spending twice as much on everything during Grand-Prix, being super festy at Osheaga and getting stoned to attend Just For Laughs. Getting internships at your dad’s office and quitting around 2 every day so that you can go to Murray Hill park to smoke Jack with your friends is pretty much the cornerstone of any betch’s summer plans. Going to MRTC or one of the other tennis/golf clubs is for day drinking and socializing, rarely for actually playing sports. What do I look like, my mother? If the betch wants a break from the city, a great alternative is going up north to massive houses in Tremblant, Estérel or St. Agathe with boats that cost more than to sponsor our "peelipino" housekeepers.

[Side Note: the Montreal betch who goes to school at Mcgill or Con U considers her involvement in student life as going to class and then getting the fuck out as fast as possible. Sororities, hooking up with non-locals and going to parties thrown by like SaintWoods is a huge Non-Non and is meant for people who want to branch out.]

The Betch Bestie and her GBFF: will sometimes slum it and go to the village together, she doesn’t mind to go there because she can wear flats and dance to 5 year old techno remixes of Celine Dion songs.

A Betch who Visits: is probably an American girl who is attracted by a lower drinking age, and the false rumors of legal marijuana and an underground mall. She will probably stay at a hotel in Old Montreal and think that the entire menu of Eggspectations is like the punniest thing in the world. Her bro friends are most likely having a long night at Casino de Montreal The Cas or legally touching strippers at ClubSuperSex. It is also possible that she is a Forest/Thorn Hill JAB who went to summer camp with some Montrealers and wants to attend the "Ivy League of the North."

The Betch Avoids: smoking anything other than Belmont cigs, un-ironically speaking French, St Catherine street, living in the Plateau, chilling at any of the Look-Outs, and fucking up her car on all the potholes. These things are for people who don’t live on the island and fat tourists. I mean yeah if your parents speak French at home, it's one thing but no self-respecting girl would ever roll her R's at a predominantly English-speaking gathering.

So as our first foray into the North, we start with the most cultured city in New France. Montreal would have gotten a higher score if Canadia were the 51st state. Canada is so rahndom. Still, the stylish alcoholic stoner betches of Montreal prove that even though we blame Canada, they can still fucking rage with the best of us, and have probably been doing it from like a really young age. Au revoir les bétches.

74 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Mount Royal says:

    EXCELLENT choice of ville, les betches!  I am impressedd

    Posted on Reply
    • MTLBètche says:

      So true! Fanfuckingtastic.

      Posted on Reply
  2. Montréal says:

    Very accurate - j’adore!

    Posted on Reply
  3. St Henri says:

    so so so accurate. this is fanfuckingtastic

    Posted on Reply
  4. LCC says:

    This is perfect, les betches!

    Posted on Reply
  5. s says:

    YES. This is awesome. Finally

    Posted on Reply
  6. NDG says:

    pretty accurate, except the wealthy CEJEP teens that are bored and who want to just sit around in their cars and smoke a j and go to marche 27 for tartar go to the private cejep Centennial College. where they pay to pass and can go to MIA for 2 weeks in the middle of exams and still end up with 80s.

    Posted on Reply
    • Marianopolite says:

      The fact that you spelled CEGEP with a J wholeheartedly explains why you went to Centennial after H.S.

      Posted on Reply
        • TC says:

          ahaha the best

          Posted on Reply
  7. Montréal says:

    Bon travail, betches! How can you not love a city where people walk down the streets holding joints as casually as Americans walk around with cigarettes?

    Posted on Reply
  8. J says:

    the stylish alchoholic stoner betches of montreal. well said !

    Posted on Reply
  9. L says:

    PLEASE do Toronto Betches next…the Thorn/Forest Hill reference wasn’t enough!!

    Posted on Reply
    • toronto betch says:

      Couldn’t agree more! So much material in this city.

      Posted on Reply
      • M says:

        Yes please!!

        Posted on Reply
  10. M says:

    So amazing and accurate….. j’adore cette ville

    Posted on Reply
  11. Lion Betch says:

    Accurate to a T. Specifically the Notre Dame reference. Burgundy Lion and Hollywood singing love songs are this betch’s weakness.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Allo says:

    Amazing… Too funny

    Posted on Reply
  13. Alex says:

    meh… Buenna is SO OVER! Its all about VELVET! Fucking DUH!!!

    Posted on Reply
    • claustrophic says:

      Velvet smells like a football team’s locker and is for wannabe hipsters. Enjoy hitting your head on the exposed pipes and good luck if one of the candles ever catches on the polyester drab the guy next to you is sporting.

      Posted on Reply
      • Monts says:

        Boom!

        Posted on Reply
  14. edgar says:

    Shout out to SaintWoods for throwing dope parties..

    yayo!

    Posted on Reply
  15. West Island says:

    I live here, attended those schools and this is amazingly accurate. Loved it..

    Posted on Reply
    • delta-hedge says:

      Waste Island? So sorry you live there.

      Posted on Reply
    • WhattaBetch says:

      You sound like you’re from the Waste.
      I’m with delta-hedge on this. My condoles.

      Posted on Reply
  16. Britt says:

    In love. Dying.

    Posted on Reply
  17. MTL born says:

    too. accurate.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Dee says:

    WOW!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  19. M says:

    westmount betches are the ultimate betches

    Posted on Reply
  20. Seb says:

    You said Bitches!!!
    ‘‘the crews will form super-cliques of only the most popular bitches from each school,’‘

    Posted on Reply
  21. Mtl betch says:

    Fucking perfect. I live in montreal, and all applies to me.

    Posted on Reply
  22. elle says:

    No idea how you betches got this so deliciously perfect, but whoa. so so true. i’m also straddling the line between totally embarrassed and kinda honoured that this is straight out of my i-cal plans.

    Posted on Reply
  23. D says:

    Awesome! Keep them coming.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Natasha says:

    Milos does not have an apostrophe, its one word and it means apple in Greek.

    Posted on Reply
    • Della says:

      well nerd means nerd in english

      Posted on Reply
  25. AK says:

    this is beyond the truest thing i have read on the internet, living in montreal and all

    Posted on Reply
  26. RK says:

    PLEASE do toronto next!!!

    Posted on Reply
  27. RBM says:

    Spot on. Impressive and well written

    Posted on Reply
  28. TTH says:

    Do Tokyo, Zurich, Frankfurt and Monaco!

    Posted on Reply
  29. CV says:

    Brilliant!

    Posted on Reply
  30. Betch says:

    yup now THATS me

    Posted on Reply
  31. RC says:

    How funny and accurate! Loves it

    Posted on Reply
  32. EN says:

    I’ve never read something so accurate. Wowwwwwwww.

    Posted on Reply
  33. lovin says:

    Is that a degrassi and drag race reference ?

    Posted on Reply
  34. SJP says:

    to all you entitled spoiled brats get out of the bubble! stop living like a tourist in a city that youve been living in for at least 20 years.

    Posted on Reply
  35. To the writers and commenters says:

    I don’t think this article was meant to in any way shape or form GLAMORIZE your sheltered-bubbled asses. Or maybe it was who knows.
    One thing IS for sure, only the financially handicapped find praise and humor in their discriminatory ways. ..But what happens if daddy goes broke and the trust funds run out? YER FACKKEDD BRO.

    Mummy, Daddy, Bubby , Zaidy, the nanny and tutors neglected to teach you all self-sufficiency.

    Posted on Reply
    • convo says:

      my nanny spoke to my tutor, they think you are jealous

      Posted on Reply
      • to convo says:

        im glad it struck a little enough for you to write back in response. kinda sucks that not everyone thinks you’re as entitled as you think you are.

        Posted on Reply
  36. Cunch_Master says:

    This is so embarrassingly true. Not really anything to be proud of.

    Posted on Reply
  37. Courtney says:

    You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. You are all singing, all dancing crap of the world

    Posted on Reply
  38. westmount says:

    SJP & co. - go find a tent to occupy

    Posted on Reply
    • YAYA says:

      Figures. At least they know how to occupy a tent. Especially one without the instruction manual.

      Posted on Reply
  39. Mtl says:

    Amen.  Or a red square to wear

    Posted on Reply
  40. The red square says:

    I’ll make sure to bang my pots right in front of your BMW to sound the alarm.

    Posted on Reply
    • Ugh says:

      In addition to brutal winters and language laws, the Montreal betch has to deal with pot banging hippies on a daily basis. Still the greatest place on earth. Love this post!

      Posted on Reply
  41. M Cohen says:

    Are you saying all jews are rich and can afford bialik? You’re a fuckn predjudice cunt. I suggest you remove your comment immediately, if you don’t want to be harrased as being a biggot…fuckn horrible human being…

    Posted on Reply
    • confused says:

      What are you even talking about?

      Posted on Reply
    • L says:

      What ARE you talking about? relaax or better yet leave

      Posted on Reply
  42. A says:

    SO accurate hahahaha getting “scooped for a j ” after a night out just killlllsss it!!! Congrats to the person who wrote this for being so completely accurate

    Posted on Reply
  43. o'dawg says:

    As witty as your blog may come across, essentially all you’re doing is stereotyping the upper white-anglo echelon of Montreal.
    Not sure why you’re so against “them”, or why the free city hoody and ugg combination apparently makes you wanna commit suicide, but there are other serious issues that warrant significantly more time and effort than your trashing free-for-all of people you have never actually taken the time to know.

    Posted on Reply
    • LOL says:

      Last I checked, BETCHESLOVETHIS isn’t exactly the appropriate forum for “serious issues that warrant significant…time and effort,” you self-righteous bitty!!

      Posted on Reply
  44. Whatever... says:

    FYI- There is a world that exists between the pot bangin’ hippies and ridiculous above mentioned “betches”...

    The trivial human who wrote this article is definitely the GBFF- who is looking to justify the trivialness of his life by turning it into a relatable joke

    And the ones relating to it are so proud that their tiny little “fascinating” worlds has gained a grain of exposure.

    “Ugh…. this is so accurate” Ugh? doubtful…

    Posted on Reply
    • Betch says:

      If your disdain for the betche’s lifestyle is so profound, why are you here? Why the annoying and unnecessary lengthly comment? I’d also like to point out - as I am bored not doing work at my summer internship - that you seem familiar enough with the content of this website to casually refer to the GBFF in passing.

      Posted on Reply
  45. WestmountBetch says:

    most accurate betch post ever….....

    ps- you forgot about Time Supperclub LOL

    Posted on Reply
  46. MTLbetch says:

    Just got back home (to montreal, obv) from vaca and was checking the betch articles I’d missed while I was gone when I found this! Spot fucking on betches, I’ve been waiting for this to happen forever. Sooo accurate. But yeah, forgot about some of the key mtl betch clubs we frequent: Time, Globe, Wood35! But other than that, pure perfection. Good job betches

    Posted on Reply
  47. Dalya says:

    Like I’m actually begging you betches. PUH-LEASE do a Toronto Betchography. Or even a Toronto suburb post. Believe it or not, the Thornhill/Forest Hill JABs are even more fabulously betchy than the MTLers.

    Posted on Reply
  48. Bialik says:

    MILB love this shit!!

    Posted on Reply
  49. Outremont betch says:

    Bahaaa went to ECS, this is the most accurate shit I have read about mtl

    Posted on Reply
  50. Westmountjew says:

    probs the most accurate things I have ever read. “Seriously though, ONE more combo of Lululemons, a Free City hoodie and Uggs, I swear I could fucking jump off the Champlain Bridge.” THE BEST

    Posted on Reply
  51. OutremontBetchhh says:

    SO FUCKING ACCURATE W O W
    YOU BETCHES NAILED IT

    Posted on Reply
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