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By The Betches on

Betch Factor: 6.0

A Betch who Lives There: is definitely eating a deepdish pizza somewhere right now. Just kidding, maybe. She came out of the womb wearing Chanel, Jbrands, feeling hella cool in her Raybans, and if she didn't grow up directly in the city, she's from the North Shore suburbs of Kenilworth, Wilmette, Highland Park, Evanston, Winnetka, or even in the Lake Forest area where she lives in a mansion disproportionate to its property. But much like every big city in the Midwest, no matter how nice your neighborhood, you're still in a 5 mile radius of the crack dealer nearest you.

OMG this mirror is so different than the mirror I have at home.

A Chicago betch either attended private school at Latin or Parker, or one of the mega public schools like Lake Forest High or New Trier where she sat as far as possible from the sexually active band geeks, girls who eat their feelings, girls who don't eat anything, and Miss Norbury trying to sell her marijuana tablets…no but literally New Trier High School IS 'North Shore High' except the people are more Jewish, bigger Bulls fans, and more likely to burn a joint than nice girls in a bejeweled book.

In the summers if she wasn’t away at camps such as Birch Trail, Agawak, or Lake of the Woods, you’d be sure to find a her instagramming herself at North Ave Beach, at the East Bank Club walking on a treadmill while eating a $50 salads, or blowing her absentee dad’s credit card shopping on Belmont or in small boutiques around town. The Chicago betch is like, sooo materialistically chill.

When it comes to music festivals, Cali may have Coachella but Chicago is known for Lolla, aka every betch's annual excuse to roll deep at Perry's Stage and act hipster for approx 72 hours. The Gay Pride parade is a perfect excuse for betches and their gay bffs to get fucked up and flamboyantly prance around the city, and the Taste of Chicago is for flosers.

After high school, the Chicago betch attends college somewhere in the Midwest or the East Coast such as U of I, Indiana, Wisconsin, NYU, art/fashion schools. Post-college betches usually end up in New York or back in the city doing some type of advertising/PR job for Groupon. Night lives of both essentially revolve around the bar/rave scenes in Lincoln Park or River North.

The Hamptons of the Midwest

Side Note: If you think you’ve spotted a Chicago betch and soon realize she shadily looks 45, you’ve actually spotted a North Shore mom. Chicago is a fucking frenzy of Amy Poehlers circa Hump Day who can be seen a mile away speed-walking aimlessly in their Lulelemons, Starbucks/teacup poodles in hand, smelling like baby prostitutes.

A Betch who Visits: will probably not step more than 15 feet from the Magnificent Mile and the Bean, unless one of her friends goes to school at DePaul or Columbia, in which case she’ll probably only step about 15 more feet over to some roof party. Stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop. She’ll stay somewhere on Lake Shore Drive, go to modish dive bars, maybe hit up a Cub’s game in Wrigleyville if she’s feeling Midwest-y, but would never be caught dead at a White Sox game unless she is a middle-aged black man or the WGG.

If she’s with the fam she’ll probably be forced to dabble in the Chicago Art Museum, Hancock Building, or the Empire State Building’s gay little brother the Sears Tower…which apparently is now called the Willis Tower but everyone’s all like, stop trying to make the Willis Tower happen. It’s not going to happen.

Oh, and bring a jacket. We know it’s called the Windy City for its politicians, but it’s also like actually really fucking windy.

The Betch Avoids: ANYWHERE near the South Side or Division Street. Despite Chicago constantly shitting out really successful black people (see Kanye, Obama, Oprah, MJ), they did not come from the South Side. Also avoid anywhere west of 294 unless you’re planning on tripping with your besties in farmer Bob’s barn. In either case, there’s really no reason a betch would be venturing away from the normal limits of the city. She will get pregnant, get chlamydia, and die.

 

<< Betchography: Washington, D.C.

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183 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. -______- says:

    new trier is in wilmette. wilmette isn’t chicago

    Posted on Reply
    • Alex says:

      New Trier is in Winnetka you underprivileged skank.

      Posted on Reply
    • Ryan says:

      New trier is not in Wilmette you idiot. It’s in winnetka and a northfield

      Posted on Reply
  2. Jessica says:

    Typo, ladies. It’s Barrington* not Buffalo Grove.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Whoever wrote this literally knows nothing about Chicago. Nice try, though?

    PS what the hell is the Chicago Art Museum? Just because you capitalize it doesn’t mean it exists, honey.  It’s called the Art Institute.

    Posted on Reply
    • CHELLi TRiLL says:

      AMEN. These “betches” weak as hell.

      Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    STOOP KIDS AFRAID TO LEAVE HIS STOOP!

    Posted on Reply
  5. Annie says:

    Buffalo Grove?? Are you serious?? Not even a nice suburb. Try subbing Arlington Heights/Mount Prospect….

    Posted on Reply
    • anon says:

      Yeah, nice try. Are you some kind of peasant? The New Trier towns, Lake Forest, and Barrington are Chicago’s nice suburbs. (Parts of Highland Park, Lake Bluff, too) The rest are for 99%ers.

      Posted on Reply
      • yahduh says:

        Sehriuhslehh.  Crystal Lake much, farmer Bob?  Seahriahslahhh.

        Posted on Reply
    • north shore betch says:

      funny because arlington heights and mount prospect are the farthest thing from north shore… BG, Deerfield, highland park etc. are nicer and have more $$$$ goooood try tho!

      Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Buffalo Grove is not North Shore. (Still nice though) And how could you forget Glencoe which is filled with our token JAB’s. Otherwise pretty good and this is coming from a Chicago betch

    Posted on Reply
  7. hayley says:

    new trier is in Winnetka….............

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    The betches need to write about some awesome cities abroad (like London, Florence, etc).

    Posted on Reply
  9. nono says:

    Buy a map.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    new trier is actually in winnetka

    Posted on Reply
  11. chitown chick says:

    this post is actually completely accurate!! love everything about it

    Posted on Reply
  12. blahblahblah says:

    New Trier is in Winnetka, you dumb betch

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    Obama is actually from the South Side… and Kayne claims to be.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      Nope, Kanye is from the west side, and Obama is from Hawaii. When Obama lived in Chicago, he lived in Hyde Park which is north of The Loop.

      Posted on Reply
      • anonymous says:

        Hyde Park is most certainly not north of the Loop. It is on the South Side. Look it up.

        Posted on Reply
      • Anon says:

        C’mon betch, Hyde Park is like 55th and Woodlawn. You can’t get much more South Side than that

        Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    i was about to make the same comment.. specifically about the Art Institute. Get it right, dumb betches. And what about hinsdale? Betchy AF.

    Posted on Reply
    • Anon says:

      I can’t believe they didn’t mention Hinsdale. And who puts an apostrophe in Cubs??

      Posted on Reply
  15. none says:

    What stupid betch wrote this? She clearly has never stepped foot in Chicago.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    this is based entirely on the suburban view of chicago. this is not real chicago.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    Way to mention places entirely outside of Chicago instead of neighborhoods actually in Chicago. And wtf is the Chicago Art Museum? If you’re talking about one of the largest art museums in the country located in Grant Park, then it’s called the Art Institute of Chicago. Do the research betches.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Winnetka Girl says:

    Everyone knows to eat at the 100th floor cafe in the Hancock over going to the Sears Tower. One has gorgeous views of millenium park and a delicious crab croissant, while the other peeps the loop and south side and is full of stuffy businessmen.

    Also, Wrigleyville is a commonly inhabited area for Chicago Betches so we can feel like adults and still just be a quick Metra ride from home sweet home.

    At the end of the day, a Chicago/North Shore Betch is way less outwardly snobby than betches from most other large cities and their upscale metro areas…despite the joke I made above…

    Posted on Reply
    • Another betch says:

      You’re actually disgusting. A true betch wouldn’t dare be seen at a restaurant with a misguided fat tourist wearing a camera around his neck with three extra memory cards in a fanny pack. But we love getting stuffed by businessmen aka Goldman Sachs interns who we meet at EBC.

      And the only excuse to go to Wrigleyville is if your nanny is sick and can’t pick up your siblings from Anshe Emet. #roughdayintherange

      Speaking of the Range, the only time you aren’t in it is when you have a driver because your dad is Bruce Jenner and lied about how long your car needed to be at the shop. Poor people from the suburbs take the metra.

      Posted on Reply
  19. chicagobetch says:

    PARK RIDGE ANYONE?! #richbitches but otherwise this is sooo accurate. new trier, lawlz

    Posted on Reply
    • blah says:

      hahaha park ridge are you kidding me? #ithinknot

      Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      unfortunately, I’m from Park Ridge. #newpolishmoney

      Posted on Reply
  20. NA says:

    as a real chicago bitch this is widely funny, but the mega public school in chicago are not new trier or lake forest. its very clear that if when you right your address it doesnt say chicago,il youre suburban.

    Posted on Reply
  21. none says:

    Whoever wrote this, props you are a funny asshole.

    You are describing myself, a proud Northshore JAP…some are just born lucky.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    are you speaking english?

    Posted on Reply
  23. Lindzy says:

    Please, critics, this is spot on. Try to not feel offended that the author of this left out Buffalo Grove, because Buffalo Grove is a shit hole and it is hardly the North Shore. Try not to agonize over the details. We all know Merimeta and Birth Knoll were also Chicago Betch camps. We all know that true betches do not ‘do the research’ and can call the Art Institute of Chicago the Chicago Art Museum if they damn well feel like it. I am a proud Chicago Betch who has emmigrated to liberal Colorado USA and will wave my Chicago Betch flag high for all of my other North Shore betches.

    Posted on Reply
    • Sass says:

      my thoughts exactly. Betches dont care enough to get it right. they got their point across. fucking duh.

      Posted on Reply
    • sass says:

      and those of you who care enough to correct them. what are you, hipster artists? not betchy.

      Posted on Reply
  24. Gcoeeee says:

    You forgot the betchiiiiiiest town… Glencoe! Teheheheh

    Posted on Reply
  25. chibetch says:

    “Chicago is a fucking frenzy of Amy Poehlers circa Hump Day who can be seen a mile away speed-walking aimlessly in their Lulelemons, Starbucks/teacup poodles in hand, smelling like baby prostitutes.”

    this post is soo on point

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      im going to find all of you and beat the shit out of you chicago style for being dumb, self-centered whores.

      Posted on Reply
  26. NorthShore Chicagoan says:

    This article made my day, absolutely hilarious. Good work keep it up wink

    Posted on Reply
  27. .... says:

    AKA a buffalo post?

    Posted on Reply
  28. jackie says:

    A. Buffalo Grove is nice, still ritzy North Shore

    B. Arlington Heights & Mount Prospect are not as nice as Buffalo Grove

    Take it from some one born & raised on the North Shore, this hilarious article is pretty spot on.

    Posted on Reply
    • Anonymous says:

      i think we all know that buffalo grove is not THAT nice

      Posted on Reply
      • Arlington Hts Betch says:

        Arlington Heights is waaaaay nicer than BG. They don’t call it “Arlington Whites” for nothing.

        Posted on Reply
        • Sorry I'm Not Sorry says:

          Care to tell me where your lake front property is?? Arlington Heights, Mount Prospect, Buffalo Grove, Glenview, Northbrook, Deerfield, Park Ridge, and Oak Park step aside for those of us who actually live in a town on the NORTH SHORE. Thanks. #theRealNorthShore

          Posted on Reply
          • glenview says:

            I mean technically most of the towns you mentioned aren’t North Shore because they’re not touching the lakefront, but who the fuck cares. All towns that exist within an undefined radius of Chicago (the actual city with skyscrapers and shit) where the majority of girls own 4 or more pair of leggings, a pair of Uggs, a North Face jacket, Abercrombie jeans she can’t fit into anymore because she smoked too much pot and ate too much pizza her freshman year of college, and some Lululemon yoga pants to make her ass look like she really does yoga, should be considered North Shore.

            Discussion Over

            Posted on Reply
            • LOL NO says:

              WTF literally get out. I hate it when people try to include themselves in “the north shore.” MAYBE Arlington Heights and Buffalo Grove have like a FEW nice houses, but guess what? Your taxes are a hell of a lot lower than those of the North Shore!!! Sorry, but you’re still #poor. In addition to that, please explain to me how living at least and hour away from the lake means you’re even part of the North Shore?????? Yeah didn’t think so

              Posted on Reply
              • I'mFromChicagoWellTheSuburbs says:

                Buffalo Grove and Arlington Heights are definitely NorthWEST suburbs aka no houses touch the beautiful lakeshore aka NOT the Northshore…try again.

                This article is also very on point. Go Trevians!

                Posted on Reply
    • Wrong says:

      Uhhhh buffalo grove is the worst out of the three!! I live near the area where mt prospect, wheeling, bg and Arlington heights meet and Arlington heights is soooooooo much better! Bg doesn’t even have a downtown or a train station. And I’ve worked in a restaurant in bg for 3 years…. They can be cheap as FUCK. Arlington heights isn’t as ritzy as like winetka, or like the Inverness area but its very decent.

      Posted on Reply
  29. New Trier Betch says:

    Those still aren’t anywhere as nice or betchy as the North Suburbs. But I agree Buffalo Grove is a shit hole, and who names a place “Buffalo Grove” anyway? It even sounds disgusting.

    Posted on Reply
  30. west suburb betch says:

    um pretty sure “farmer Bob’s barn” is the west suburbs. Which would include Hinsdale, Naperville, Oak Brook.. and are obviously where Chicago betches grow up before moving to the city post grad. Duh

    Posted on Reply
  31. some guy says:

    Being from Highland Park, and having two older sisters who fit nearly everything about this too a tee, this is pretty accurate and entertaining, and all these girls drive me nuts (not in the ‘I need to have you’ way, the ‘you betches be crazy’ way.  Although MJ ruled the world during the 90’s from Chicago, he is not from here, so this city did not ‘spit him out’ but instead absorbed his greatness.  And how dare you call the SEARS Tower “the Empire State Building’s gay little brother.” The Sears Tower is, in fact, taller than the Empire State Building, and epically more badass.  One love, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  32. city betch says:

    sorry suburbanite…hancock and sears are tourist attractions and you won’t find a chicago betch wandering around the 100th floor of either building.

    Posted on Reply
  33. NORTH SHORE BETCH says:

    Glencoe, Northbrook and Lincolnshire are the betchiest suburbs…. nice try tho betchessss

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    This is so spot on except for that Mean Girls takes place in Evanston, not New Trier…

    Posted on Reply
    • sorry what? says:

      Except not, because everyone knows Evanston is like the ghetto and half the kids at that school are black. Means girls has one table of “black hotties” otherwise everyone is white, which is exactly what New Trier is like. Besides, who would ever refer to “North Shore High” as Evanston? Where people get shot? Nice try, but no.

      Posted on Reply
      • Sophus says:

        You are a racist piece of shit…..

        Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    this is actually 100% accurate. As a new trier grad I give my stamp of approval!

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    Overall, spot on. But during the summer, chicago betches go to the private beach at their michigan lake houses. North ave beach is dirty and full of poor people.

    Posted on Reply
  37. Anonymous says:

    Sub in Long Grove for Buffalo Grove… Anyone who doesn’t know it is A) Not a betch and B) Retarded…

    Posted on Reply
  38. Anonymous says:

    Yes they forgot Hinsdale, the Barrington area, and the OakBrook area. Betch city.  And Arlington Heights > Buffalo Grove but the North Shore will always be the best of course.

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    ^^Agreed. Hinsdale is just as betchy as the North Shore. The moms are just as hot MILFs the kids are just as bratty. However, Western Suburb betches do NOT go to public school. The betchiest high schools for the western suburbs are private schools that cost more than 10,000 a year like Fenwick or Benet. (but mainly Fenwick because the uniforms are cuter.)

    Posted on Reply
    • betch says:

      couldn’t agree more! Private schools is where it’s at in the west suburbs! Can’t forget Montini though, we don’t all go to Fenwick or benet and care about academics. Montini betches party harder than most college betches

      Posted on Reply
      • HAH says:

        Your kidding right…. Moniti has some of the tackiest people I unfortunately know

        Posted on Reply
        • anon says:

          You’re kidding right? The only western suburbs worth mentioning are Clarendon Hills, River Forest and Burr Ridge

          Posted on Reply
    • citybetch says:

      The betchiest private schools cost more than $30,000 a year. And we pay that money so we don’t have to wear uniforms. Fucking, duh.

      Posted on Reply
  40. LfBeTch says:

    Hahahahhahahahahhah don’t make me laugh. Lake forest wannabes

    Posted on Reply
  41. Anonymous says:

    in the movie ya, but the author of the book it was based on reported it was based on new trier… betches be crazy, evanston aint got shit on NT

    Posted on Reply
  42. betch says:

    wheres the love in Atlanta? A betchy city for sure, we need a post

    Posted on Reply
  43. chitownbetch says:

    dude…theres a reason park ridge wasn’t on there….my cleaning ladies reside in park ridge. nuff said. betch

    Posted on Reply
  44. Anonymous says:

    With a name as simple as “the north shore” you think people wouldn’t need the explanation—Hinsdale, Barrington, Buffalo Grove, Arlington Heights, whatever the eff other suburbs existing to the west of the lake are simply not part of the north shore because they are NOT ON A SHORE. Everyone from those towns wants to justify that they’re just as rich or cool or whatever, but they’re not. You can’t sit with us.

    Posted on Reply
    • 847, Obvi says:

      Anyone who names Buffalo Grove as the betchiest suburb of Chicago has clearly never been to Chicago. If it isn’t on the lake, or Sheridan Road for that matter, it might as well be non-existent. Old money versus new “money,” clearly. So tacky. (Exceptions go to Hinsdale, of course. We feel badly for your locationally challenged spot on the map.)

      Posted on Reply
  45. Anonymous says:

    Actually, Obama is from Hawaii… He moved to the South Side after attending Ivy League college… and even then he lived in Hyde Park, the North Shore of the South Side.

    Posted on Reply
  46. Regina George says:

    I know we’ve got a raging hard on for our beloved city, but this is redic. Emphasis on the dick, as in, you’re acting like one. Shut the fuck up and stop trying to make Hinsdale, Lincolnshire, or Buffulo Grove happen; they aren’t going to happen.

    Besides, we all know if your town doesn’t touch the lake, you might as well live in Indonesia.

    Posted on Reply
  47. Anonymous says:

    Wow. This. Was. Not. Accurate. At. All. Whoever wrote was
    drunk off their minds. You spend waaayy to much time downtown or those other fancy neighborhoods to truly understand the culture of Chicago.

    Posted on Reply
  48. Anonymous says:

    HP represent!  I totally agree. And even though MJ isn’t from here it didn’t make all the years seeing him around town or sitting at the table next to him at Miramar any less awesome.

    Posted on Reply
  49. Anonymous says:

    took my advice. THANKS BETCHES

    Posted on Reply
  50. Just your fellow betch says:

    Silly, silly betches. Don’t get your panties in a bunch. So she said “Chicago Art Museum.” We clearly know what she meant, and if you didn’t, then stop reading this and go away. To the New Trier lady who said her school outperformed Hinsdale Central. Seeing as you’re referencing a failing newspaper with considerable cuts in the past few years, I already take what you say with a grain of salt. How about referencing a May report from U.S. News? (See below betches). Maybe if you and the rest of your high school did a little more homework, New Trier would actually crack the top ten. Do notice Hinsdale Central sitting in the 6th slot. However, playing my-school-is-smarter-than-yours is silly because every betch knows academia alone doesn’t make you a betch.

    What’s even sillier is the betch who believes Fenwick or Benet could possibly be better than Hinsdale Central, and that somehow wearing a uniform is cute. Gross. You’re forced to sit in church and you can’t properly accessorize.

    Yes, I know we all love our perspective suburbs, (sorry betches who actually grew up in the city; we just don’t care) but I have to show my affection for Hinsdale. We may not fully understand you North Shore girls, (probably because we don’t breed nor grow up knowing what the hell a JAP is) but we do know that when Giuliana Rancic wanted to move to the suburbs she chose Hinsdale. And any woman who went through a double mastectomy is a true betch in my book. Now, let’s quit the betching and all agree that White Sox games are gross and potentially dangerous.

    Here’s the U.S. News article my betchy friends.
    http://www.usnews.com/education/high-schools/articles/2012/05/08/us-news-ranks-nations-best-high-schools

    Posted on Reply
  51. FIKEY IKUS says:

    This is spot on if the term Betch is confined to the Jewish girls from the North Shore who move down to the Gold Coast until they turn 27 and latch on to whichever guy they feel their mother will approve of in an effort to finally get the parental affection they never received as teenagers.
    It all culminates in these people you describe going back to whatever isolated suburb they came from so they can live a variation of their parents’ mediocre lives. These “betches” of yours have a 6 year shelf-life in this city killing time here with their social work or law grad degrees they obtained which they never will do anything meaningful with once they get their MRS.

    The people who actually grew up in the city, you know those of us who grew up in Beverly, Sauganash, Park Ridge, Streeterville and Hyde Park…. we are amused you or anyone else consider these chicks Chicagoans. It means the author is more clueless than these broads. To us they’re on the same plane as people from Schaumburg, your Betches simply have better clothes.

    Posted on Reply
    • chicago betch says:

      why would you take such a suburban perspective…...... chicago suburbans are literally so desperate and clueless. they are truly the anti-betch. i’m embarrassed, next.

      Posted on Reply
    • Anonymous says:

      Park Ridge is also a suburb you dumb bitch

      Posted on Reply
  52. Toronto Betch says:

    Everybody know that “North Shore High” is Etobicoke Collegiate Institute in Toronto…fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  53. Anonymous says:

    No one from the city rides the Metra…unless you’re going to Ravinia, and then you’re probably not a Betch. While “burbies” can be rather bitchy, a true Betch from the city is a spectacular sight.

    Posted on Reply
  54. Anonymous says:

    if you’re not on the lake north of chicago you’re not part of the north shore. And mean girls is based off of new trier, i am 100% sure

    Posted on Reply
  55. Anonymous says:

    All betches hate Obama so that comment is completely irrelevant

    Posted on Reply
  56. ChiCityBetch says:

    Your a betch if you went to Parker, not Latin. Endless supply of weed and money? 

    fuck yeah.

    Posted on Reply
  57. Anonymous says:

    clearly you don’t live in the city of Chicago.  The betches are one point.

    Posted on Reply
  58. Anonymous says:

    umm where do you live betch?!?!!? I’m from the north shore and let me tell you…this is 100% accurate. don’t try to talk about what you don’t know. peace out.

    Posted on Reply
  59. Anonymous says:

    Where’s the love for the betchiest neighborhood in Chicago: The Gold Coast.  Hello, the name has fucking Gold in it.  Furthermore, home to the Original Playboy Mansion and Oak Street, situated on LSD (lake shore drive) right in-between the beaches. 

    Drugs, Gold, not to mention the Pritzkers live down the street from me, Chicago betchiest family.

    Posted on Reply
  60. you arent the northshore says:

    okay people you are not considered the north shore unless you are on the SHORE. stupid idiots. the only places that are even considered the north shore are wilmette, kenilworth, winnetka, glencoe and maybe lake forest. but thats it. New Trier is where NORTH SHORE people go. get it straight. thanks XOX

    Posted on Reply
  61. damnman says:

    this shit. this is stupid. the post is on point sometimes, others not at all.  Also, Being from glencoe but being in the city quite often visiting friends, you’ve neglected to mention the attitudes of the “betches” that live in the city, not just the burbs. Missin LPHS, Whitney Young, even fuckin Waldorf homies! Plenty of bitches there

    Posted on Reply
  62. Anonymous says:

    okay thanks. i have been trying to explain that for hours.

    Posted on Reply
  63. Anonymous says:

    Agreed, Glencoe is the betchiest town on the North Shore. Disappointed betches.

    Posted on Reply
  64. Anonymous says:

    I think “The North Shore” deserves a post of its own, definitely betchography worthy.

    Posted on Reply
  65. Parker betch says:

    The suburbanites need to quit arguing over who the fuck lives in the bitchiest suburb. It’s so oxymoronish that is it pathetic. It’s called area code 312 and the 60610. Gold coast. Latin and Parker did not get nearly enough credit as head betches in the chi.

    Posted on Reply
    • ChiCityBetch says:

      Amen.  Any city betch (born and raised) knows to hate the suburbanites.  We don’t have huge houses on the shore because we have them in Michigan.  We also live in private co-op buildings with doormen, who are at our beck and call.  In the wintertime we don’t wear uggs, leggings and north faces on michigan avenue, and we definitely don’t walk 5 across at a snails pace.

      Anyone who comments they’re from Chicago, but yet live on the North Shore, sorry you are sorely mistaken….thats ChicagoLAND, not the real thing.

      do the city betches a favor, and get over yourselves burbies.

      Posted on Reply
      • seekhelp says:

        You live in a co-op? Ew. Try actually owning your real estate.
        Doormen are not at your beck and call. Building engineer/porter, yes, but doorman no.
        We very rarely shop on Michigan Avenue. It is a grotesque tourist trap.

        For someone who acts like they’ve got it all figured out, you have a long way to go.

        Posted on Reply
  66. Anonymous says:

    agreed, whoever wrote this probably talked to someone from Naperville or some other suburb way out there especially since they say “magnificent mile” instead of the gold coast and the only hotel on LSD they are thinking of is the Drake, there’s plenty of nicer hotels on Michigan Ave and else were…..

    Posted on Reply
  67. NY says:

    Chicago? Pretty sure that’s flyover town. Anything that isn’t east coast or west coast doesn’t even come onto a real betch’s radar

    Posted on Reply
  68. Winnetka Betch says:

    Don’t be so offended haters, you know this has some accuracy
    Bravo again Betchessssss

    Posted on Reply
  69. Anonymous says:

    Agreed, friars are the betches of the western suburbs. Anybody from elmhurst, hinsdale, or river forest knows that. North shore are a bunch of wannabe Regina George’s.

    Posted on Reply
  70. Anonymous says:

    how was Loyola Academy not included as one of the high schools, or Marquette for one of the colleges, I am pretty sure 50% of every class at Marquette is directly from the North Shore

    Posted on Reply
  71. Anonymous says:

    shut up, you’re dumb.  everyone knows it was shot in Toronto for tax purposes, and New Trier did not want the filming to go on on their campus

    Posted on Reply
  72. 312 Betch says:

    Stop trying to brag that you’re from a North Shore suburb and then go to college at U of I or Wisconsin, whatever, and tell everyone you are from Chicago. Or simultaneously claim on here to be from Chicago after defending your beloved suburb. You can only be from ONE. So exactly as another betch said it, if you write your address and you don’t include the word “Chicago” stop saying you are one of us. And before you start saying you’re better than us, etc. stop right there. We true Chicago betches don’t care. It’s a different mindset and you bother us. So you can skip your Metra ride (again real Chgo. betches have no reason to ride it) stay on the North Shore, or Oak Brook Mall, and we’ll see you the 3 weekends out of the year when you visit for Lolla or a Cub’s Game and post your instagram photos of your “Chicago life”.

    Posted on Reply
  73. Anonymous says:

    uh, no. all betches are smart, so they like Barry O and having women’s rights. fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  74. Anonymous says:

    whoever wrote this has to be from the suburbs. all your comments are shit tourist would say and your references are all to the north shore… not part of chicago. get it right betch.

    Posted on Reply
  75. ANON says:

    WTF maybe you should come to chicago before writing. this is dumb shit

    Posted on Reply
  76. Anonymous says:

    The book was actually largely influenced by the author’s experience teaching at National Cathedral in DC.

    Posted on Reply
  77. Chicago native. bitch. says:

    You’ve obviously never actually BEEN to Chicago because if you had then you would immediately revoke that statement. dumb shit. I go to school in LA and have been to New York more times than I can count but I know Chicago can hold its own. Next time make sure you know what you’re talking about before you write your unmatched-in-stupidity insult.

    Posted on Reply
  78. Latin betch says:

    I am a Latin grad and have been to MANY parker parties… sorry to say it but you kids don’t know shit. endless supply of money and every drug you could imagine when you go to Latin. grow up Parker, we all know you’re a fake.

    Posted on Reply
    • Anonymous says:

      I went to both Parker and Latin (Parker first, Latin second, then I left Latin because it SUCKED).  Everyone knows that the Old Money comes from Parker.  And who won both homecoming games 2 years in a row?

      Funny how an old bald man can cause the Fall of the Roman Empire.

      Posted on Reply
  79. Dia says:

    barrington has way more money…and where the fuck is deerfield on this list?

    Posted on Reply
  80. ntbetch says:

    as a proud winnetka new trier grad i just wanna say props, totally spot on and PARK RIDGE? NAPERVILLE? HINDSDALE? ewwwwww i had never even heard these names/ knew they existed until i went to college and people from these schools called new trier their rivals. sorry that you can’t afford to park your range rover in a thousand dollar parking spot and hop on your family jet to take a vaca to your house in boca.

    “New Trier: where the grades are high and the kids are higher”

    Posted on Reply
  81. C says:

    Too disappointed in this article. This isn’t Chicago at all. Do your research, betches!

    Posted on Reply
  82. northshorebetch says:

    Lincolnshire is nicer than lake forest in most parts…. and stevenson is more mega public and betchy than new trier. HELLO? stevenson drug bust? cant get much betchier than that

    Posted on Reply
    • LFRep says:

      Not true, not true, not true.

      Lake Forest trumps all towns in the North Shore.

      Posted on Reply
      • Ktown betch says:

        #BYE to both of you dumbasses. STEVENSON IS WHERE POOR PEOPLE GO. wtf is happening to this world? And Lake Forest is nice, but it’s like fucking far from the city. You can’t compare to Kenilworth, AKA the town with one of the richest zip codes in America #60043

        Posted on Reply
  83. campgirl says:

    I’m from Texas and I went to AGAWAK! and yes all my friends were from Highland Park so lol

    Posted on Reply
  84. Anonymous says:

    Loyola Academy betch

    Posted on Reply
  85. Anonymous says:

    The North shore/gold coast of LI is way betchier and nicer than bumblefuck chicagos north shore…sorry about itttttt

    Posted on Reply
  86. ANONBETCH says:

    Wait….do you we REALLY know where Obama is from hun girlies?!?! GET IT RIGHT GET IT TIGHT.

    Posted on Reply
  87. Anonymous says:

    If you are going to include Chicago suburbs, Oak Park/ River Forest anyone? I mean really.

    Posted on Reply
  88. Spot on! says:

    Happy you finally recognized such an awesome city! Although Barrington is way richer than BG, and you forgot to mention Spring Awakening Music Festival!

    Posted on Reply
  89. anon says:

    this is probably the worst geography post ever. there is no mention of the different neighborhoods in chicago, nightlife (i.e. benchmark/fireplace in old town, paris club, underground, cuvee and the mid in river north), or restaurants (RPM, girl and the goat, gilt bar…) has the person who wrote this ever even been to chicago?

    Posted on Reply
  90. Samantha says:

    Stoop kid’s afraid to leave his stoop I literally died laughing at that hey arnold reference

    Posted on Reply
  91. Nuck says:

    Lulelemon? wtf, way to butch that.

    Posted on Reply
  92. Naperville Betch says:

    wtf is this everyone knows Naperville is the Betchiest suburb of Chicago, and Neuqua Valley High School is the shit.

    Posted on Reply
    • anonymous says:

      Haha Naperville… what a joke.

      Posted on Reply
  93. Anonymous says:

    What about Northwestern, University of Chicago, or freaking Notre Dame? You honestly put Wisconsin in this post instead of any of these schools? This just shows how low the bar is set by whoever is writing these post nowadays

    Posted on Reply
  94. Anonymous says:

    No Northwestern mention?

    Posted on Reply
  95. TXbetch says:

    I’ve got relatives in Chi and though I’ve spent only a small time there, I could have written a better post.  Seriously betches?  I know we’re all for not doing work, but please put more effort into these posts than a 5 second Google search…

    Posted on Reply
  96. N/A says:

    The Chicago girls at NYU were into wearing thrift shop flannel shirts, going to film parties with PBR, drinking weird sodas and studying 24/7 and were the least betchy girls there.

    Also, Westchester County totally warrants its own betchography.

    Posted on Reply
  97. accurate says:

    As suburban Chicago betch myself , i can say this is pretty damn accurate. shout out to long grove, the ever forgotten JAB town swallowed by buffalo grove (not betch).

    Posted on Reply
  98. arnold says:

    stoop kids afraid to leave his stoop. i’m dying.

    Posted on Reply
  99. moira says:

    spot. on.

    Posted on Reply
  100. Elizabeth says:

    Wow this was spot on! I grew up on the North Shore and this is pretty much 100% accurate

    Posted on Reply
  101. buffalo grove says:

    only counts if you went to stevenson.
    the rest is a dump.

    stevenson highlandpark deerfield new trier and gbn are the only schools that count.

    jewish north shore is the only betchy north shore…

    Posted on Reply
  102. this shit is a joke says:

    KANYE IS FROM THE SOUTH SIDE and Obama is from Hyde Park (on the south side). You’re making up museums and obviously not evening shopping high end if you’re on Belmont… DUMB BETCH

    Posted on Reply
  103. NT says:

    I go to net trier, this is spot on. Everyone needs to shut up.

    Posted on Reply
  104. cbizzy says:

    you forgot SKOMPTON

    Posted on Reply
  105. ijustcant... says:

    Kanye’s from the southside…not that it matters because he went to Richards which is a place no betch would ever be seen. Belmont shopping= thrift stores (for hipsters and dragqueens), froyo, and sex shops…not really a premo betch shopping spot. There isn’t really a night life in Lincoln Park unless you want to catch a lame freshman DePaul party or you’re a mom walking your dog or child. Get it together, betch I’m not impressed. At least try to visit once,k? xxx

    Posted on Reply
  106. j says:

    kristin cavallari (former BOW) lived in Barrington for most of her childhood so basciallyyy Barringotn needs to be on this… $$$$$

    Posted on Reply
  107. Cold Goast Betch says:

    No batch shops on Belmont without her gay BFF. What about Wicker Park? No mention of rolling face at Lollapalooza? C’mon betches…

    Good call on EBC, though.

    Posted on Reply
    • okaayy says:

      “Chicago is known for Lolla, aka every betch’s annual excuse to roll deep at Perry’s Stage”.........

      Posted on Reply
  108. trevbetch says:

    new trier is home of the betchiest betch wearing the best clothes, looking hella fine, and getting boys from whatever school they want. sorry haters

    Posted on Reply
    • ntbetch says:

      i second that.

      Posted on Reply
  109. Self-Righteous Betch says:

    The author seriously just Urban Dictionary’d Highland Park or North Shore for the characterizations. Also, not every Jewish girl from the suburbs is a materialistic asshole. Just saying. Some of us are focused on our careers, and don’t think of jobs as something to pass the time while we wait for husbands.

    Posted on Reply
  110. LSCBetch says:

    God love them but Barack, Oprah and MJ only lived in Chicago they aren’t from here. Also, Barack lived on the southside…so check your email (phrase coined by a true southside betch, Andrea Kelly).

    Posted on Reply
    • Anonymous says:

      ya but Chicago is still where all of em made it big…

      Posted on Reply
  111. CatholicSchoolBetch says:

    Ignatius should definitely be put in there as top Betch Catholic High School if Fenwick, Benet, and Montini are. Like Ignatius is the only legit betch Catholic High school in the city. People come from all over (LP, Hinsdale, Beverly, Evanston, Winnetka, even Indiana and Michigan) just be known as an IgnatiusBetch

    Posted on Reply
  112. South Sider says:

    If I were a north sider, I’d be incredibly embarrased that I was labled this type of Betch in this betchography. And you obviously don’t know anything about the Cub’s game goers who are the WGG -  (each and every one of them), who only go to games to get wasted and then filled out later! This is not a betchography about Chicago, it’s about North Side suburban betches who really aren’t true Chicago betches.

    Posted on Reply
  113. Your Name says:

    ...what about hinsdale?

    Posted on Reply
  114. Your Name says:

    this is the worst article I’ve ever read. you clearly haven’t even stepped foot in chicago. everyone knows that if you go to a private school in chicago its either cause you had no friends at your public school or you live in a shitty ass neighborhood where you wouldn’t even be considered a chicago betch. if you are in the new trier or hinsdale central school district you are richer, smarter, and more athletic than everyone in chicago. and no one from chicago goes to NYU. its all about U of I, IU, Iowa, Mizzou, and Wisconsin…idiot

    Posted on Reply
    • Ew says:

      Uhm, those schools are for poor, dumb people. Latin and Parker tuitions are higher than those universities where it’s okay to be, like, wide hipped or something. Your schools are filled with trashy whores who still wear Hollister and three year old BCBG dresses to prom. Your house is less expensive than the two bedroom salon in my co-op we let the maids live in; even they’re betchier than you. You don’t even live in Chicago, sweetheart. As far as any Chicago betch is concerned, you don’t even exist.

      And who cares about being more athletic? A real betch always has her friends Ana and Mia by her side. You probably have thunder thighs because your travel soccer team let’s you act like the butch lesb all the pro’s know you are. You’re just the girl the maybe gay bro fucks before he finally comes out of the closet.

      Go back to your stupid Jeep and crawl up your clammy vagina before it closes up.

      Posted on Reply
  115. barringtonbetch says:

    Actually am mildly disgusted that barrington is being placed in the same category as Arlington Heights. If you live in Arlington Heights you go to disgusting Prospect or Rolling Ghettoes high school and live in a one story home that doesn’t even cover a quarter of the cost of the average house in b hills. Not to mention, Barrington shit out one of the greatest betches of all time - Kristin Cav. So don’t even put Barrington and Arlington Heights in the same category. It’s a given that btown is no comparison to the north shore, but let it be known that another great betch of our time - Rihanna - is coming to BHS in a few weeks for a private performance. Google it, betches. In the words of Janis Ian: suck on that, iyiyiyiy.

    Posted on Reply
    • ha says:

      barrington is not betchy, unless you’re into wearing $80 jeans and believe free people counts as a designer label. bunch of drug-addled horse-loving hippies in barrington hills, wynstone psychos, and jeep-obsessed wannabe betches everywhere else. kristin cavallari moved to Laguna Beach. the only reason rihanna came was because try-hard BHS entered a contest and even she only lasted for five minutes. the country clubs aren’t even expensive. new money, not jewish, so midwestern, so middle class.

      Posted on Reply
  116. j212 says:

    Second City for a reason. Next.

    Posted on Reply
  117. 1234 says:

    Northbrook has a lot of JABs….

    Posted on Reply
    • yes says:

      thank you. trash, that’s who.

      Posted on Reply
  118. Blackhawks Betch says:

    “The Betch Avoids: ANYWHERE near the South Side or Division Street. Despite Chicago constantly shitting out really successful black people (see Kanye, Obama, Oprah, MJ), they did not come from the South Side.”

    Really? This is too much. There are plenty of totally normal and safe neighborhoods that exist south of Monroe. There are plenty of really successful people, black or otherwise who come from the South Side. Obama lives in Hyde Park. Division Street—the old Cabrini Green—is in the process of being gentrified right now. There are plenty of betches who go to Whitney Young, Jones, Lab, University of Chicago, etc, which are all on the “South Side”. There are plenty of betches who go to Walter Payton, which is right by Division Street.

    I was enjoying this article, thought it was funny/reminding me of home until I read that. Ignorance isn’t betchy.

    Posted on Reply
  119. Annie says:

    Fucking Christ! Burbs, Gold Coast… WGAF! My rents grew up Gold Coast & popped me out in Barrington. Pretty sure my Betchy mom taught me plenty of her Betchy ways. My fav memories are getting her CC at drunk brunch…. Anyway, we moved to SRQ when I was a betch in training, so who cares. After living like I feel, everywhere…SRQ is totes the betchiest. Idk. I’m too fucking drunk/high from drunk lunch & tiki bar goode & sodas to con’t…

    Posted on Reply
  120. wait says:

    clearly high school was the highest point for most of you…..peaking in high school = not betchy

    Posted on Reply
  121. Chicago Proper says:

    If I hear one more basic betch from the North Shore claim she’s from Chicago I will literally kill myself. If you live North of Howard or west of Austin you aren’t in Chicago, idiots. PS the shopping is on Armitage, not Belmont. Nice try. You can go shave your back now.

    Posted on Reply
  122. YoureWelcome says:

    You forgot Hinsdale, Western Springs, Oak Brook, and Burr Ridge. We’re obscenely rich, yet our towns have no Jews—betchy. We would never send our progeny to public school like North Shore peasants. Ignatius, Fenwick, and Benet are the only options for true Western Suburban, Catholic betches.

    Posted on Reply
  123. Anonymous says:

    Being from the northshore and a new trier grad this is all spot on, and all of you have no idea what your talking about. So don’t try and say what you think you know when you don’t know shit. Don’t dis my hometown “betch”.

    Posted on Reply
  124. Jess says:

    Don’t go anywhere on the South Side? Excuse me? What about the University of Chicago and the University of Chicago High School, the number 8 private school in the COUNTRY? So offensive. Hyde Park and Kenwood are two of the most affluent neighborhoods in the city. Obama and his family live in Kenwood, and Kanye is ACTUALLY FROM THE SOUTH SIDE. Sorry you’re a racist who doesn’t know shit about Chicago. Get your act together.

    Posted on Reply
  125. NorthShoreRealist says:

    I think it’s safe to say that this article is flawed in its assessment of the city of Chicago, but that doesn’t make it any less hilarious. Yes those of you from Chicago can be a little bitch and whine about how inaccurate this is (and we’re not arguing that it is), but honestly who gives a shit. Its still entertaining to see people from fucking Wheeling and Buffalo Grove think they are wealthy and/or relevant, and it only solidifies your point that there are a shit ton of suburban kids who claim they are true Chicagoans and city kids. What we can all learn from this is that the North Shore is full of less cultured bitches who can afford the best amenties in life, and still enjoy the city on weekends (no crime in that), while Chicago betches actually know whats up in the 312 but have the unfortunate experience of living near homeless people and sewers.
    Also Lake Forest may be the furthest town up the North Shore, but that’s why we have our weekend condos on Lake Shore Drive to deal with that pesky commute.

    Posted on Reply
  126. northshore says:

    and it is spelled Lululemon lets get that one right its a serious matter

    Posted on Reply
  127. glencoe girl says:

    NORTH SHORE means that the town has to be on the shore of the lake. Duh. honestly, educate before you write. buffalo grove, woof. nothing cute about it.

    Posted on Reply
  128. skokie bitch says:

    I find this pretty hilarious. It’s interesting that being from a suburb myself, skokie (for those of you unfamiliar it’s just 7 min west of evanston), most of us have the same perception as the writer of this piece. While it is lacking in intellectual thought perhaps in regard to common Chicago geographical knowledge, it is quite witty and gets the point across.

    Posted on Reply
  129. Emma says:

    This is the most frustrating thing I have ever read.  Please get off at the nearest Metra stop and go back to the suburbs.

    Posted on Reply
  130. Sophus says:

    This article has nothing to do with people who actually live in Chicago. It’s all about the suburbs…so you might as well name it “Betchography: North Shore Suburbs”. Also, whoever wrote this is a massively uneducated racist…you so called “betches” need to get your heads out of your perfectly-waxed, orange fake tan crusted assholes

    Posted on Reply
  131. She Doesn't Even Go Here says:

    This post has nothing to do with Chicago and everything to do with the suburbs. You can be as high school betchy as you want, but downtown life is an entirely different world. Hell, I don’t even call Lincoln Park “Chicago” half the time…if your neighborhood looks suburban, then you’re one step closer to being suburban. Not even sorry bout it. If all you know of this city is its tourist traps (Millennium Park, Sears Tower, Michigan Ave, etc etc), then you’re probably not a true Chicagoan. This whole post is bullshit, probably written by a girl who’s bestie is from some Ugg-infected burb where the extent of her city experience is getting wine cooler drunk on North Ave Beach in the summer, so in short has no right to say anything of worth about Chicago.

    Posted on Reply
  132. Chicagoan says:

    This post is completely irrelevant.
    IF you were a true Chicagoan, you would know we don’t even consider you suburban low-lifes Chicagoan at all, you’re basically tourists in our eyes and no better than that asian guy with the camera around his neck and 3 memory cards in his fanny pack.
    You basic suburban betches.

    Posted on Reply
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