So this week we saw Savages, not to be confused with The Savages starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman and his sister trying to figure out what nursing home to put their old ass dad in. No, this movie was slightly different and starred cooler people in a hotter place. The movie is narrated by Blake Lively (so you know the acting will be Oscar-worthy) and opens with her fucking Chon, the hot war vet looking to kill anything that looks at him the wrong way. Right away we knew this was going to be a shitty movie yet took us back to our spring break days of doing drugs, going to the beach, and fucking multiple guys while pretending it wasn’t slutty. “I have orgasms, he has wargasms.” When Ophelia (otherwise known as O because that other movie where Julia Stiles fucks a black guy teaches us that it’s super trendy to abbrev Shakespeare names that start with an O to O”) says this you know right away this movie’s going to be punny. We then learn that she also ‘makes love’ to Ben, the longhaired pussy Berkeley grad who like, really loves plants and indigenous children.
The premise of the story is that O lives with Ben and Chon, two besties who make the best pot in the land. But then she’s kidnapped when some angry Mexicans decide they want the business for themselves. Sounds interesting in theory yet the most exciting shit in this movie were Blake’s one-liners and the exciting notion that if you’re #5 skinny enough, bros will pay up to 13 million dollars to make sure they can continue fucking you.
My favorite part of this movie was Serena’s shitty acting. Throughout the entire movie all she does is shop and say like, four lines: “I love you guys. I missed you. I need to hit up the mall before we go on vaca. Let’s go out drinking” After being kidnapped, we find that Blake’s idea of the worst possible torture is being locked in a room with a short Mexican and being forced to eat pizza while watching the season finale of The Bachelorette. She screams at the camera “I need to speak to someone! How am I supposed to go the whole day without smoking a joint! You better release me! I have family members in either like the FBI or the CIA, I don’t know the difference but someone is coming for me! Where can I get a salad! I’m missing solar noon!” Eventually even we wanted her to shut the fuck up.
Now on to Benicio del Toro, killer and rapist extraordinaire. B was pretty badass in this movie but we couldn’t help but notice his betchy tendency to mupload his victims. Like, when he was showing Serena the video of when she blacked out and he raped her he was all like, “Look at this vid, bitch. I even took a few pics. They got 6 likes on Facebook! Tell me which you like best so I can put them on Instagram. You look way more drugged out in Sepia.”
John Travolta was casually in this too.
Now a note on Salma Hayek, who played a serious power betch in this movie. It seems for this role traded in her baby with Matthew Perry and unibrow for a Cleopatra style wig and a slew of drug lackeys. Her hobbies included getting foot massages from her housekeeper Maria while drinking patron and making video game style torture previews. Sounds like a pretty nice life if you ask us. Our favorite part of her performance was when she called out O and was like “Stop bragging about getting these guys together. Those bros you’re fucking love each other more than you.” And Serena’s all upset thinking “Don’t call my boyfriends gay! Just because we all have sex together and they tell each other they love each other doesn’t mean we can’t be three straight, chill, hot tattooed bestie/lovers who smoke pot all day and have sex.”
Finally, we’d like to discuss the extreme absurdity that was the multiple alternative endings. It was as if the producers were like, “you know, we shot both these endings and we really can't decide which one we like better so fuck it, let’s just use both and we’ll have Blake Lively mumble some bullshit about how she would’ve imagined it going on this way then play the other one.” We personally preferred the first one because it ends with the betchiest line possible; with Chon killing O and himself because “he never leaves a man behind!” queue angry scowl. Then as Ben says that he loves her she utters her last dying words despite being in the middle of the bloody, hot desert, “I’m cold.”
If nothing else, this movie taught us that Indian reservations aren’t technically American, Mexicans enjoy frequent bitch slaps to display their displeasure, and that no matter if you’re kidnapped by the Mexican mafia and locked in a room with a mustachioed rapist, it’s never a fucking excuse to eat carbs.