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By The Betches on

So yes, last week we had "southern school" Duke, but let’s talk for a minute about Vanderbilt, known as the “Harvard of Tennessee" to fucking boring people who actually care about useless analogies. Really, all that matters is that Vanderbilt has all the elements of a betch’s social orbit: Bros like Jay Cutler (former Vandy football player) and #52 gay BFFs (Anderson Cooper is a Vanderbilt). Vandy is a playground for elitist betches who like to tailgate and like, maybe wear Lilly Pulitzer or pearls.

Greek Life

Sororities: Top-tier is obviously Theta, Kappa, Tridelt. According to some frat bros, the rest don’t matter and/or are fatties. Zeta is brand new, and will get socialized all right, a little slice like you. Just kidding. Betches hate branching out…Zeta is like, so random and emo. 

Frats: You can’t mention fraternities in the same breath without KTS—the nickname for a mythical, fire-breathing dragon aka the administration who cancels the spring fling aka frat parties. 

SAEs are “southern gentlemen” who literally live in a frat castle, although no longer because their alumni rage too hard and break shit. KA has their porch, ciggies, and a raging boner for Robert E. Lee/The Confederacy. They also have a really fucking weird spring formal called Old South, brothers who like to smash car windows, and annoying nice girl Taylor Swift’s little brother, Austin Swift.

Freshmen Betches choose which frats they want to play at, oftentimes in order to get into a certain sorority. Upperclassmen betches usually frequent whichever frats their freshman guy friends rushed, or wherever they can get free hard liquor. WASBs like SAE, while JABs can find bros who like dubstep and weed at Pike and AEPi. and If you consider yourself a “groupie” somewhere, you’re probably a WGG.

Spring Formals: Betches live for spring formals, and get really fucking crazy over cooler painting. If a betch is acting like she’s on bath salts, she is probably just high off of Mod Podge. Spring formal is the only time it’s excusable for a betch to go near Panama City Beach, Florida.

Side note: Fraternities play fucking musical chairs with their houses—Pi Phi got the old Pike house, which was the Woman’s center which is now the new Zeta house, SAE is moving into ZBT, etc. etc.

During the Day You Should

During the fall: Tailgate, in any way shape or form. If you have no fucking clue how great a Vanderbilt tailgate is, google the phrase “a tradition called raging.” Betches can be found “getting elevated,” aka dancing drunkenly on a frat’s porch and/or patio, clutching a bottle of Andre. If you’re not decked out in your “[Insert sorority here] ♥’s our ‘Dores” sticker/croakies/Ray Ban knockoffs, then why the fuck did you even show up?

Usually a tailgate will lead into an evening football game, but no one goes to those except like VUceptors and Chacellor Zeppos. Maybe a betch will go to a football game so she can Instagram a photo of herself with her besties.

Springtime: Fraternities will have day parties—even if it is for some random totem pole object they have (Hi, Kappa Sig). Also, make sure you go pontooning with a frat. Yes, the lake is gross, but you can get wasted on a fucking boat.

If you must study, which you shouldn't because betches don't #36 do work, you should go to Central Library but mostly betches just use this place to do lines in the bathroom. Studying hard never seemed so fun. 

At Night You Should

Frugal Mcdougals is this huge alcohol warehouse where everyone goes no matter 21 or younger and everytime you go you'll see everyone and their mother so make sure you don't look like shit. For the underage betch, you should know that you can get your 5 year old cousin to draw a doodle of you on an index card and they will still sell you alcohol.

The Stage and the Big Bang are the two best/main bars downtown. For the Gwyneth/Blair Waldorf fans you should know that the Stage is where Leighton and Garrett first sing in Country Strong...so you know it's good. DT is like a ten minute cab ride and people go like 2-4 nights a week. Some of it is sketch as shit it's like where all the honkey tonk bars. That's where you'll find your typical array of collegetown hobos.

Until the end of sophomore year, betches will throw themselves into theme parties. Every day really is like fucking Halloween—you can dress up slutty for Pikes of the Caribbean, Sigma School Girls, SAE Jungle, Beta 54, or Kappa Sig Whiteout.

Usually by the time a betch is 21 or has a really good fake, she is over the “frat scene” and moves onto more sophisticated watering holes.

Monday: Go to Flying Saucer, and pretend you know the difference between the 100+ beers they have. Be prepared to see every other member of the senior class.

Tuesday: Sportsmans, and hear everyone bitch about the line to get upstairs. Betches don’t wait in lines. Go to Jed’s.

Wednesday: Frats usually have stuff. Or pregame at Cabana for Girl’s Night Out and join your GBFF at Play and marvel at the RuPaul drag queen wannabes.

Thursday: Frats host something together, or Demonbreun will usually provide you entertainment in the form of Dan’s/Tin Roof/Rooster. See “Insert Frat here & Friends” on Facebook for your social calendar. Maybe some rando dub-steppy sounding bar that you’ve never heard of downtown (ie Induldge, Liquid, etc). Yes, we all miss Hollywood Disco and it’s Rubik’s cube-y floor, but get the fuck over it. If you still think Dooley’s/Varsity Grille/Toofurs is relevant, you’re obvi white trash.

Friday: Younger betches go to frats, older betches do the Rippy’s/Paradise Park/Honky Tonk Central circuit on Broadway, and pretend you know all the lyrics to “Family Tradition.” Don’t touch the Nashtrash; they will bite.

Saturday: Repeat. Head over to Lonnie’s after 1 A.M. and square off with the annoying hostess who won’t let you sing 5 Cher songs in a row. Fucking rude.

Where to Live

Freshmen have to live on Commons, where they basically force you to socialize with nicegirls, but at least there is an Estrogym where you can elliptical and read your US Weekly in between class. Ride the Vandy Van everywhere, and become drunk friends with Gabe.

Be prepared to have the Towers security guards judge you and be annoying in general, and make best friends with the Munchie Mart employees, who usually provide great material for Overheard at Vanderbilt. 

Special Events Include

Rites of Spring: Rites of Spring is a great excuse to have a crawfish boil, but really just evolves into Tailgate 2.0. During Rites, betches will flock to Alumni Lawn where they can be serenaded by T.I., Kid Cudi, and Wiz Khalifa, all on the card (a.k.a Monopoly Money).

Homecoming: Flirt with hot alumni, and get them to buy you a drink at Whiskey Kitchen or Patterson house. Sometimes you will forgo the Homecoming concert for a pregame (if My Morning Jacket is the headliner) or actually go (Lil Wayne, obvi).

Parent’s Weekend: Did we mention that Jill Zarin’s daughter goes to Vandy? Lots of fake boobs and betchy moms to be seen. Get your parents to take you to Green Hills and then take them to Holland House/The Pharmacy/Cat Bird Seat for classy as fuck drinks and small plates. It’s no surprise that Nordstrom scheduled its grand opening for Vanderbilt Parent’s Weekend. Coincidence? We think not.

Black Monday: Sorority rush is kind of a big fucking deal at Vanderbilt. You don’t go out for a week, and like go see shitty romantic comedies at Green Hills Mall with your sisters. Then you can never listen to a Taylor Swift song without replacing the lyrics in your head. And then, Black Monday happens. And you won’t remember any of it.

Fall Break: Go to Gulf Shores and buy really ugly spray-paint frat tanks that say “YOLO” to wear ironically. Or go to some cabin in Gatlinburg with your fave bros.

Senior Beach Week: Basically like all Fall Breaks, but with everyone—even fugly randoms—on the beach in Destin.

Abroad: Many southern betches don't study abroad but those who do go in the Fall. JABs who study abroad go in the Spring with the rest of them.

A lot of Vandy betches and bros also like to make the pilgrimage to Mardi Gras to visit their Tulane besties.

Food

Pinkberry vs. Yogurt Oasis vs. Sweet Cece’s: Vanderbetches have froyo down to a science. Pinkberry is closer to Towers and Hot Yoga, but Sweet Cece’s has fucking amazing toppings. (not that you’re eating them.) Everyone knows that Yogurt Oasis died in like 2010, and is ghetto as fuck with chairs that look like they were dragged over from Chilis.

Ano Spots: Calypso and Bread & Co (aka Bread & Betch) provide you with your standard lettuce leaf variety.

Noshville is an obvious choice for brunch and allows you to never branch out. Don’t sit at the middle counter if you ever want to get served. Marche is a good choice if you want to be hipster.

Coffee: Now that they took away our fucking Starbucks in the SLC, betches have more of a trek for iced coffee. Fido is a great place to pretend to do work, or people watch wannabe musicians. Jake Gyll & TSwift had a date here, and Nicole Kidman apparently likes it. 

On Campus: Branscomb Breakfast and Rand Brunch are for clueless freshmen, and people who like fucking gross, watery eggs. If you are going to eat anywhere on campus, go to Grin’s. while everyone else can eat PBG/Mexicali wraps, seved to them by ambiguously gay guys. Be prepared to wait in line for 40+ minutes with 80 million other betches in leggings as pants/workout clothes.

Most Cultural Thing You’ll Experience

The Towers Munchie Mart, the Vandy Van, or some random Asian fundraiser in the SLC

Drawbacks: Shitty parking, southern hicks, VUPD outrageous crime alerts about forcible fondles, high student to squirrel ratio

125 Comments TALK SHIT!
    • me says:

      AGREED DO USC!

      Posted on Reply
      • yes says:

        yeah, they have.

        Posted on Reply
  1. tennessee betch says:

    harvard of the south** fucking duh. and where is ole miss? betchiest college in the whole SEC and lets be real only betches run the SEC. also, wheres wofford college? dank sauce. get your shit together carol.

    Posted on Reply
    • Lolz says:

      I’m sorry, Ole Miss?!!?!?! Who the fuck are you???

      Posted on Reply
      • wow says:

        youve clearly never been to ole miss. you are probably from the north…and by north i mean like west virginia or somewhere outside the SC who still thinks they are from the south. get with it cray bItch

        Posted on Reply
    • dukebetch says:

      Please, look at the previous post

      Posted on Reply
    • don't even says:

      don’t even. Sewanee: the UNIVERSITY OF THE SOUTH is the harvard of the south.

      Posted on Reply
      • Lolz says:

        Hahahahaha don’t even. Sewanee fuckin sucks.

        Posted on Reply
      • wtf says:

        You’re kidding right!?!!!

        Posted on Reply
    • hahaha says:

      vanderbilt isnt the “harvard of the south”... rice is.

      Posted on Reply
  2. like, duh says:

    KA doesn’t even exist at Vandy anymore

    Posted on Reply
  3. hilarious but not accurate says:

    central library is for nice girls and malaysians and tri delt hasnt been top tier since the snap bids of 07

    Posted on Reply
    • dying says:

      hahah the snap bids of 07

      Posted on Reply
    • You're cute says:

      If you were around for the snap bids of 07 you obviously aren’t there now and have no clue what’s top tier

      Posted on Reply
      • You're delusional says:

        Regardless, it’s a courtesy to give Tri Delt top tier status. We all know they’re whack

        Posted on Reply
        • Simmer Down... says:

          Obvi these statements were written by some very bitter pi phis… Also, if you were there in 2007, you were also there in prior years to get rejected by tri delt…

          Posted on Reply
    • I was there... says:

      For the snap bids of 07. One of the elite 10 sorority rush chairs whose worlds were rocked. Love that this came up again. 5 years later. Maybe we should have a reunion of the day that apparently lives in infamy.

      Posted on Reply
      • Vandy13 says:

        Old betches don’t belong here. You should be fighting slutbags off ex-frat boys. If you can’t prove betch-worthy out there, you can’t come back here and say anything. 1/2 of college srs couldn’t see R rated movies in 07. Go do stuff, betches

        Posted on Reply
    • Made my day says:

      I was also there for the snap bids of ‘07.  hahahahaha too amazing.

      Posted on Reply
    • hahahahahaha says:

      I was totes there for the snap bids of 07 as well… glad to see the moment is still widely recognized

      Posted on Reply
    • but Central is UGLY... says:

      If you’re actually going to do work, it’s all about Peabody library.  Betch central, really.

      Posted on Reply
  4. best says:

    best thing i have ever read

    Posted on Reply
    • betchiest says:

      agreed. well done, betches.

      Posted on Reply
  5. come on betches says:

    IU should have been next, betchiest fucking school in existence

    Posted on Reply
    • Seriously says:

      Seriously IU has to be done. It’s the coolest school in America.

      Posted on Reply
  6. Really.. says:

    Sounds like a DG rewrote how her life at Vandy was supposed to be.  Go ‘Dores

    Posted on Reply
  7. anonny says:

    DO UVA PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

    Posted on Reply
    • Anoynomous says:

      God stop, Uva is too good to beg and you’re not sounding very betchy. They have to get all these shitty places out of the way first so there is something to measure our superiority against

      Posted on Reply
  8. hykcgdtu says:

    shuttup loser ka 4eva

    Posted on Reply
  9. Silly betch says:

    Insecure betch… Top 3 are pretty common knowledge. Though it should be. Acknowledged that not all the others are fatties.. Just bottom 3

    Posted on Reply
  10. concur ^ says:

    tri delt = some pretty betches but mostly ugly legacies

    Posted on Reply
  11. Fing Duh says:

    When is it NYU’s turn?

    Posted on Reply
  12. retard says:

    Fucking retarded not accurate at all. First of all its “Harvard of the South” and if you were smart enough to actually get in you’d know that pike and KA dont exist anymore and no one goes to about half of the bars you mentioned. HA and shitting on sororities that aren’t “top tier”? ur a joke

    Posted on Reply
  13. retard says:

    Fucking retarded not accurate at all. First of all its “Harvard of the South” and if you were smart enough to actually get in you’d know that pike and KA dont exist anymore and no one goes to about half of the bars you mentioned. shitting on sororities that aren’t “top tier” is really mature too

    Posted on Reply
    • vandy123 says:

      Where are you going on the weekends then? Shes named every bar that is not full of nashtrash

      Posted on Reply
    • Truth says:

      This is exactly what I wanted to say

      Posted on Reply
  14. betch says:

    Indiana is the betchiest of all

    Posted on Reply
    • betchiest says:

      betchiest of all the land.

      Posted on Reply
  15. Northern Betch says:

    Pretty sure Syracuse has lock on betchiness in college betches everywhere should be outraged that one of the main motherships has not been respected!

    Posted on Reply
    • VU says:

      if betchy is defined by everyone wearing yoga pants at all times.

      Posted on Reply
      • IU says:

        lol so True VU

        Posted on Reply
  16. stupid betch says:

    Thanks for acknowledging KA (which doesn’t exist anymore) and not… Beta?
    As for throwing a sorority under the bus… why Zeta? They’re not even “random and emo”

    Posted on Reply
    • ummmmm says:

      Obvi you’re a zeta, and we can’t trust your opinion on your own sorority… So we’ll still go with “zeta is random and emo,” and dare I say bottom tier?

      Posted on Reply
  17. The U says:

    University of Miami should obvs be next

    Posted on Reply
    • Lizzie Sibony says:

      is that the guy with the painting???^^^^^

      Posted on Reply
  18. YSR says:

    Sewanee is betchy, minus the nature…

    Posted on Reply
    • YSR says:

      down with the offing heathens!

      Posted on Reply
  19. if any says:

    if you should make fun of any sorority its AOPi(gs)

    Posted on Reply
    • .... says:

      classy.

      Posted on Reply
    • Actually, it's YayoPi... says:

      Depends on who you look at.  True, about half of AOPi is fatty nice girls who don’t deserve to call themselves Vandy sorority girls.  But the other half are true betches who partied so hard during orientation that they got blacklisted.  Future freshmen: Do a blackout background check, and before you hook up with a perfect future pro frat star, make sure he’s not dating a theta… It will come back to haunt you…

      Posted on Reply
  20. Quit ya Betchin' says:

    I’m not one to “LOL”, but this made me cackle like a cracked out betch gone mad in my internship cubicle. I don’t care what these other comments are saying, this article is money. Mad props for recognizing the Betchiest and certainly the Best SEC school.

    Posted on Reply
    • ffdosikmsl says:

      shuttup loser, ka 4eva

      Posted on Reply
  21. just sayin says:

    whoever wrote this sounds like they are a little bit bitter about getting rejected from such a betchy school…

    Posted on Reply
    • I agree says:

      betchiest school ever.. must be next

      Posted on Reply
  22. "top 3 tier" says:

    tri delt is definitely not top tier anymore and the only ones with “fatties” that aren’t worth mentioning are the obvious bottom 3/4… clearly not a true vanderbilt betch.

    Posted on Reply
    • umm yes "top 3 tier" says:

      Clearly you’re a KD or Pi Phi who is just jelly that you weren’t mentioned by name. You’re not top tier, get over it.

      Posted on Reply
  23. 2-Bar says:

    Boss

    Posted on Reply
    • Anonymous says:

      I wonder how many have fallen for that line…still the same damn slut as ever I see.

      Posted on Reply
  24. Larry Stanton Weise says:

    Kristen and Stuart spent countless hours insuring KA would no longer exists.  And Stuart is fat.  Really fat.

    Posted on Reply
    • VU says:

      If you lived in McGill, you didn’t really go to Vandy.

      Posted on Reply
    • VU says:

      If you lived in McGill, you didn’t go to Vandy.

      Posted on Reply
  25. tulane betch says:

    you should totes do one next on Tulane. It was such a tease to mention us on the New Orleans/Mardis Gras post and then not get our one.

    Posted on Reply
  26. BCBetch says:

    Do BC next!!!

    Posted on Reply
  27. BC betch says:

    Pleaseeee do BC next - you’ve done enought southern schools please do a betchy Northeastern school!

    Posted on Reply
  28. Losers says:

    Everyone stop fucking caring so much. TTH?

    Posted on Reply
  29. TULANE says:

    DO TULANE NEXT!

    Posted on Reply
  30. Kristen Torrey says:

    THIS IS A DISGRACESHTUTING ALL FrATS DOWN NEXT SEMESTER! GET READY!

    Posted on Reply
    • vu12 says:

      hahahaha honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if this was actually KTS

      Posted on Reply
  31. it'svandybetch says:

    It’s actually high squirrel to student ratio, but that’s ok—betches can’t do math.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Vandy13 says:

    I usually love these posts - but betch, who are you talking to about vandy?

    1) No KA
    2) what self respecting sorostitute considers kappa sig
    3) where’s Beta?
    4) Respectable socialites don’t say the Z-TA word.

    Learn it right or don’t say sh*t. We live this at Vandy - get on our level

    Posted on Reply
  33. HBomb says:

    How about actually doing Harvard…We take frats/sororities to another level. Final Clubs anyone?

    Posted on Reply
    • Harvard Hoochie says:

      YES. Harvard is SO betchy with all its final club bros and the 1%

      Posted on Reply
    • i go to princeton, betch says:

      harvard is for try-hards and asians. all true betches know that the betchiest ivy is OBVS princeton. eating clubs are far superior to final clubs, our frats/srats are way better, and we have way more hot rich legacies.

      Posted on Reply
  34. ur dumb says:

    This is not satire, but idiocy. Please, honey, is this what you call writing? Is this really how you spend your time? This post is so pathetic I don’t know where to begin. You realize that people have real lives, that people are real people? That caring about sororities and fraternities is, in the end, for people who have nothing else in their lives? They’re fun, sure, but you just wrote a 2,000 word post on how “betchy” you and your cool school is. Damn girl, I don’t want to see YOU in ten years. That shit will make me cry.

    Posted on Reply
    • gross says:

      You spending your time writing a 101 word comment doesn’t inspire anyone. If you’re opinion is so special, go do something with your life.

      Posted on Reply
    • lame says:

      shut up. you clearly have no life..

      Posted on Reply
  35. Glory Days says:

    Surprisingly accurate from 5 years ago except top tier frats have rotated. Sounds like Kappa Sig, SAE and ZBT have replaced Phi Delt, Pike, and Beta? Definitely a bittersweet read but sounds like its still a lot of fun down in Nashvegas!

    Posted on Reply
  36. sarah says:

    do umass amherst!

    Posted on Reply
  37. UMICH says:

    you MUST do umich next. thats undoubtedly the betchiest school out there.

    Posted on Reply
    • betch says:

      umich is a must.

      Posted on Reply
  38. Jessbetch says:

    University of Denver…. not well known but it is the party and ski school of the rich and privileged

    Posted on Reply
  39. UR says:

    University of Richmond

    Posted on Reply
  40. Wtf says:

    It’s “Harvard of the South”... no one as ever called it “Harvard of Tennessee” wtf is that!?!

    Posted on Reply
  41. except says:

    vandy isnt harvard of the south.

    Posted on Reply
  42. Hotty Toddy says:

    I agree with the first post….Ole Miss might be a state school but its the betchiest school in the SEC. It’s notoriously the most brutal rush in the country, ranked the prettiest girls in America, and girls never wear the same designer outfit twice. The unofficial motto of the school is “We might to win every game, but we never lose a party” and the freshman parking lots are basically Mercedes and Range Rover dealerships. Vanderbilt might be the only private school in the SEC but its not the betchiest.

    Posted on Reply
  43. SMU/Vandy says:

    Nashville native who got my B.A. from SMU and my M.Ed. from Vandy.  Serioulsy where is the Pancake Pantry mention.  You can’t write something about Vandy and leave out Pancake pantry.

    Posted on Reply
  44. jeangRey says:

    LSU please please please

    Posted on Reply
  45. Ellie says:

    Emory University. That’s all.

    Posted on Reply
  46. RUF2013 says:

    Thetas at Vanderbilt are not the prettiest girls, but they are the only sorority that takes an annual nude/flash pic.  Google it:
    For the last few years, they supposedly just make the new pledges flash their tits for the camera. Hazing?  Can anyone post the photo of this year’s pledge class?

    Posted on Reply
  47. John Harvard says:

    Calling a school the “Harvard of the [insert region/area]” automatically implies inferiority to the real deal.

    Posted on Reply
  48. anonymous says:

    UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN, PSYCHOS!

    Posted on Reply
  49. SERIOUSLY says:

    WHY HAVE YOU NOT DONE OLE MISS!? LIKE IS THIS A JOKE? OLE MISS IS A MUST.

    Posted on Reply
  50. Jake Hargadon says:

    I wish sororities would accept gay male students!..  I tried pledging for Tri Delt at the Univ. of Richmond and they wouldn’t accept me!  : /

    Posted on Reply
  51. Just a question says:

    I’m half asian, but still look pretty asian, would I fit in our would the guys/girls just look down on me?

    Posted on Reply
    • Fast says:

      How tall are you?

      and when the fuck did Kappa Sig get a fucking totem???  toga maybe…

      Posted on Reply
  52. Wondering says:

    What about DKE…

    Posted on Reply
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