A rite of passage for every high school betch is choosing where she wants to go to college. Now as you know, the plethora of college crap out there from Kaplan to Newsweek will rank schools based on retarded shit like average SAT scores and the range of after-class activities that you would never fucking do. We’re here to give you the information you’ll really need to know when choosing where to spend the next four years, or merely reflect on the good times.
We start off Betches Love This College with The University of Wisconsin – Madison, a school which is known for it’s achievements in partying, sports, and cheese.
But first, a lesson in Wisco linguistics:
Coasties: Essentially jappy people that are thought to be from the "coasts" but usually this just means places Jews live aka NY/NJ/Boston/Maryland/ Miami/anywhere in California.
Those from Chicago are in their own limbo/subset but can sometimes be categorized as coasties. JAB coasties should look forward to the end of senior year when they’ll make t-shirts and have their own senior bar crawl that is separate from the senior Wisconsin one in an effort to #118 not branch out. In addition you will be in SDT or AEPHI but can also be identified by your lack of giving a shit about it, other than using their formals as an excuses to get dressed up and have multi hour pregames. You’ll also use your insane overload of American Apparel sorority tanks as shit to wear to The Serf whilst admiring the hot athletes that you probably won’t fuck since they’re not circumcised.
Sconnies: Thought to be just Wisconsin people but really this is code for any Christian from the Midwest/Wisconsin (Watch out for Sconnies from Beloit, Eau Claire, and Green Bay). They can be identified by their inability to shut the fuck up about the Packers and their love of their dairy farming major. Also, a Sconnie betch at Wisco can be identified by her blonde hair and her obsession with DG, GPhi or KKG.
Asians: Relatively self-explanatory. The Wisconsin Asians walks around in her kitten heels in the winter thanks to their extraordinary lack of fear of slipping on ice. You can’t sit with them, especially not in College Library, which is open 24 hrs (and don’t even think about asking one of their bros for a ride in their BMW).
During the Day You Should:
• Fall: Wisconsin football season, enough said. Everyone who goes to Wisco can tell you it’s the best time of the year. Saturday football pregames are the most ridiculous from kegs, backyard parties with ice luges and other stuff. There’s nothing like waking up at 8am after a blackout night at Mad Ave to the sound of 'Jump Around' blasting in your apartment and ordering bagels from Gotham (because every coastie knows Einstein's are not real bagels).
• Winter: so fucking cold. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll sit on your couches and smoke all day and order food.
• Spring/Summer: Go to the terrace and chill and tan or find a rooftop party situation
At Night You Should:
Vary your location based on the day of the week. This school does not fucking kid around when it comes to going out and if you don’t watch yourself yourself you could be spending your evening fast food hopping talking to an old man playing the piccolo in an orange jumpsuit.
• Tuesdays: Brats - Flip night, a place to interact with Sconnies but like, barely – At Brats you can text ridiculous shit to a random phone number and then watch the ridiculous texts on a live feed on TV screens.
• Wednesday: Beer and shot night at KK but watch out because you can only get in underage if you’re an athlete/friends with an athlete/have some other connection. Again, there are mad sconnies there but it’s like the best bar in madison and if you’re looking to chill with someone who will likely be a professional athlete in 2-5 years, this is the spot.
• Thursday: Jonny O's - that’s it.
• Friday: We suggest you refer to it as
segredo Mad Ave, and if you don't know that it should be/was called Mad Ave you are 12 years old and/or living under a rock
• Saturday: Ah, the one night with an option. KK or what is now called Logans. Make sure to #5 not eat the $1 pizzas. Also EVERYONE born in the 80s knows the bar is called Angelics and that it is the shit.
If you're like really drunk after going out you'll go to ABar at someones apartment where you'll get even sweatier, drunker, and much much higher.
Where to Live:
• Statesider/Towers as a freshman, even though only Statesider still exists. It’s important to live in 613, 619, 614 or 625 (all in the infamous Landgon street where essentially all the sorority/frat houses are)
• Lucky is pretty much the hotel of Madison where you can party on the roof.
• 613 where you can have backyard ragers.
• A sorority house if you’re Christian or poor.
Special Events Include:
Welcome week/Football season, and Halloween (which is overrated BUT still a ridiculous weekend), and of course Mifflin.
Fuck your birthday, Mifflin is the best day of the year. The weekend of Mifflin includes 3 days straight of day parties, but on the actual day of Mifflin you’ll wake up at the crack of dawn and go to like a backyard/rooftop pregame. Then HOPEFULLY, if you’re not too drunk, or the friend who continuously gets too fucked up to leave the apartments, you’ll make it to the actual Mifflin Street. Few non-native Sconnies can actually tell you the location. Here you’ll encounter blocks and blocks of house parties and people partying in the street and you'll have a 75% chance of getting arrested.
Barcelona, Florence, Rome, Prague, Australia or Israel. That is all.
Schools to Visit:
The only time a normal betch would leave Madison is for an Indiana or Michigan football game.
Cancun, Acapulco, Puerta Vallarta.
Things To Do Before You Graduate:
• Drink pitchers and sit in colorful chairs at the terrace
• Not eat for a week and then have mac and cheese pizza
• Have sex in the memorial library stacks
Wisconsin is notable for it’s huge ass range of really good food so you better be able to shed those winter pounds faster than you can walk to the Capitol or consider going elsewhere.
Any betch can tell you that the opening of Campus Candy was more life changing than getting into grad school and has absolutely zero shame when it comes to following them on Facebook to find out the daily flavors.
MacTaggarts everything. Best wrap/salad place and all your necessities right in one store. Notice and laugh at the creepy guy with the long black hair who checks your ID's and rings you up behind the counter.
Husnus vs. Med Caf: Girls seemed to like Husnus more especially since they give out the free m&ms. Meanwhile, guys practically live at Med Caf.
Pizza di Roma where there will always a huge line and nitty grittyy power hour and Dotty's for food
Notable late night foods include pokey sticks, Ian’s mac and cheese pizza and JINS for non Coasties where you can encounter an endless line at night.
Most Cultural Thing You'll Experience
State school, cold, abundance of cheese and beer, Midwest.
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