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By The Betches on

For our second adventure into the Ivies, we bring you a school that's arguably the betchiest of them all. We say this mostly because it's private, located in an actual city, and you don't have to be a rocket scientist to go. Not only that, but Ben Franklin was rewarded for founding it with his very own line of currency - which went right back to the school via the parents who donated libraries and conference rooms to get their kids in. For that reason Penn is a metropolis of betch culture, where we can study things like Comm and Sociology and how to find a husband so you can have kids who will also go to Penn.

The Schools

Engineering - For the enginerds. No one knows them because they spend all of their time isolated on the edge of campus in a place deemed Engineering Land, where the national language is Java. In the unlikely event that one happens to leave the library or the chem lab they are easily identified by their glasses, sandals, Penn sweatpants, and low self esteem. They will likely be extremely pale due to living in the library or being Asian.

Nursing - For the betches who wanted to make sure they could get into Penn. We wouldn’t trust them to nurse our hangovers.

Arts and Sciences - "The School of Arts and Crafts” houses everyone else who wants to either study economics, get into law or med school, or the freaks who want a liberal arts education and study some bullshit like Art Therapy. Everyone thinks this is the easiest school (because nursing doesn't count), which is why you should absolutely try to be in it.

Wharton - The easiest place to find a #166 investment banker bro or an OCD betch. They think they’re the shit because they will live a Wallstreet-esque existence once they graduate (if they can pass OPIM). Whartonites like to remind you that they go to Wharton as often as a betch likes to bring herself up in conversation.

Greek Life

Sororities

Every coked out betch needs a place to call home, or maybe just a place to walk around in her workout clothes before not going to the gym. Top sororities are Theta, TriDelta for WASBs, SDT for JABs, and AChiO for athletes.

Even betchier than being in a sorority is being in Tabard because it's off-campus, full of chic foreigners and during pledging they get treated like absolute shit, being forced to wear their hair like trolls and carry around secret lunchboxes which bros try to steal from them.

Fraternities

THEOS and OZ are off campus frats, which means they were expelled at one point for being idiotic so they think they’re better than the actual frats, but really they just have more Hamptons houses, male models, and Horace Mann students. Theos likes to tweet about being #rich and holds a lot of Chancellor day parties. Their biggest one is on Fling to compete with Zete's petting zoo for best non-Quad activity.

Foreign bros join Owls or Zete. You find the Jewish bros in APES (the more recent off-campus nickname for AEPi) or in Sammy or ZBT...or Theos or Oz...or Phi Delt...basically anywhere but St. A's.

What To Do During The Day

A membership to the gym, Pottruck is included in Penn’s tuition. Contrary to what we wish, this isn't a truck that sells pot. Because everyone at Penn is #5 skinny, the gym is a huge scene, so betches who don't want anyone to see them on the elliptical go all the way upstairs and pretend to avoid walking through the bros' basketball games.

Locust Walk looks like a fucking J.Crew catalogue and it’s the best place to like, walk.

Rittenhouse Square is the only classy part of Philly where you can get a mani/pedi, hair, and wax done with some shopping in between.

If you've already recovered from your hangover and done all the above and are desperately bored, the best place to be seen on a Sunday morning is Van Pelt. During midterms and finals week VP could use a bouncer to kick out the students who legit sleep in the library to save their desks. Everyone knows the importance of getting a table and bottle service in Rosengarten. Betches get really territorial about where they “study” but what they really care about is making sure no one can see them railing lines of Adderall off the desk. After you've done that, standing in line at Mark’s for a coffee is an ideal place to socialize and bitch about how you’ll "neverrr finish the 20-page essay that you juustttt started."

What To Do At Night

Smokey Joe’s or "Smoke's" is a classic Tuesday night when Kweder performs classics that betches will sometimes sing along to. You will probably lose your coat along with every other betch who thought it was a good idea to throw her identical jacket in the same place. There's no way anyone's gonna look in THIS corner, right!?

If you’ve been to one shitty club in Philly you’ve been to them all, but people throw “downtown” parties at ridiculous places that they claim are exclusive by letting people in slowly and pretending to give a shit about IDs.

After a downtown it’s crucial to attend the “late night." Zete or Owls often throw these because both have massive houses and if you haven’t raged hard enough yet then you can find a table, couch or window to show off your skanky dance moves in front of everyone significant.

A late night can be followed by drunken pizza at Lorenzo’s for authenticity or at Allegro’s on campus for convenience.

Bros like to be bro-y by getting a cheesesteak at 2 am at the famous joints like Pat’s or Gino’s. There’s a rivalry between the two, which is basically as relevant as any sports rivalry. The thought of a cheesesteak alone is at least 100 calories.

Special Events

Spring Fling - This is the time that betches invite their besties from Cornell, Michigan and sleepaway camp to come visit because it's basically a carnival themed children’s birthday party with a shit ton of alcohol. Between jumping in moon bounces, drunkenly petting animals at Zete, and passing out in the Quad, Spring Fling is one of the best activities at Penn that no one remembers. Even though the weekend event culminates in a concert, it’s cray if you can get out of bed to attend it.

Homecoming - Pretend to give a shit about football by drinking all day and throwing toast at the mascot. It’s like a perfect metaphor for our thoughts on sports and carbs.

Hey Day - Juniors are "inaugurated" into senior year and everyone dresses up in hats and canes. If you're lucky you'll get one of those canes that's actually a flask and obviously not let ketchup anywhere near you.

Where to Live

Freshman year - Living in the Quad is crucial because not only does it give you a home inside Fling, but you can walk through basically the whole building to find your friends, a critical pro during winter. It’s in the center of campus too so waking up five minutes before class is an option.

Hill House had a frozen yogurt machine in its cafeteria for a minute, but otherwise living there is social suicide for freshman betches.

Sophomore year and later - Live off campus. The Radian is a newer apartment building, but not at all like the High Rises, where you don't want to live. The Radian is also in a pretty central location, but more importantly attached to Jimmy Johns giving you easy access to unwiches.

Beige Block is super popular and thusly a super competitive place to find a house (read: a former crack den that Penn students must attempt to make livable for several years). There are some great stoops on which to sit and spectate a drive-by shooting.

Food

Magic Carpet Truck - all betches like to pretend that the tofu meatball has no carbs, fat, or calories, but, in truth, it’s probably made of crack based on the line around the block to order it.

Bui’s Food Truck - ideal for a hungover breakfast since you can text your order to Mr. or Mrs. Bui

The Greek Lady Salad takes like three days to consume, God forbid you eat it in one day. Gia Pronto or Sweet Green for one-day salads.

Pod - when a betch needs her sushi she has the option of this Steven Starr restaurant. Sometimes locals show up to the joint for a special occasion like a birthday or sweet sixteen, but betches just go after the gym in sweatpants.

Abroad

Everyone goes abroad in the fall, either to Australia or to Prague/London/Rome/Barcelona/Belgium, and reconvene for a drunken weekend at Oktoberfest.

Spring Break

Fly out to Puerta Vallarta or anywhere in Mexico that’s not fully engaged in civil war.

Missionary only?

Things To Do Before You Graduate

- Get a shout out in 34th Street
- Have sex under the button and/or in stacks of the library
- Make out with Kweder on a Tuesday night at Smoke’s
- Hook up with the bro who wins Big Man On Campus (BMOC), where bros dance to classics like Grease and dress in drag. Swoon.
- Drunkenly steal a bunny from the petting zoo at Fling

Drawbacks

There are some legit crack dens around Beige Block. If the locals aren’t on drugs or selling them, then they’re probably robbing you. It’s important to acknowledge the difference between the gunshots and the fun shots in West Philadelphia. However a true betch will make like the Fresh Prince and get the hell out of there after four years.

141 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Cass says:

    Spring Fling is legit the most betchy event imaginable in Philadelphia. Spot on

    Posted on Reply
    • Stevie says:

      I couldn’t agree more... thanks for your comment

      Posted on Reply
  2. says:

    Penn sucks.

    Posted on Reply
    • says:

      Couldn’t get in?

      Posted on Reply
    • Marcus says:

      Penn ACTUALLY sucks. It is so lame, but the best of the ivies (which isn’t saying shit) I went there, transferred my junior year, and realized how shitty it truly was…. Not to mention Penn collectively has the least attractive student body I have ever seen.

      Posted on Reply
      • Queen Betch says:

        Transferred in your junior year? If so you’re irrelevant

        Posted on Reply
    • Tell it straight says:

      Penn girls aren’t hot at all! Literally 5 girls per grade are considered smokes. Every other girl is so average it’s a joke. 5 hot ones. That’s 20 in the entire school. If your a horny guy who likes to bang actual hot women don’t go to Penn.

      Posted on Reply
    • Meh says:

      Am I the only person who has a mediocre opinion of Penn.
      I just graduated, and was a sophomore transfer in 2010. 
      I feel like meh. It’s ok. none of its shit is the best, none of its shit is the worst.

      Posted on Reply
      • Hubert says:

        hem

        You and me both smile

        Posted on Reply
  3. LK says:

    Lorenzos burned down in July. And if you’ve ever been to Penn you would realize that most of the girls are actually chubby and legit only wear leggings, a Northface and carry Longchamp totes. If you’ve seen one Penn girl you’ve seen them all.

    Posted on Reply
  4. this is weak says:

    did you write this a few years ago?? not relevant or that funny

    Posted on Reply
  5. PRINCETON says:

    way betchier and less trashy

    Posted on Reply
    • p'15 says:

      yessss. seriously, philadelphia? ew.

      Posted on Reply
  6. Penn says:

    is infinitely better than cornell.

    Posted on Reply
  7. What is this?? says:

    This is awful. And Penn girls are gross. Who can guess where THESE betches went to school?

    Posted on Reply
    • Diedre says:

      *cough* insert obligatory sandusky/child molestation joke here *cough*

      Posted on Reply
      • props says:

        Sooo original!

        Posted on Reply
  8. Observer says:

    They have Wharton. GET ON THEIR LEVEL!

    Posted on Reply
  9. spot on says:

    and it sucks.
    penn is THE worst fucking school ever.
    can’t believe I go to this hell hole.

    Posted on Reply
    • PENN says:

      YOU CLEARLY DONT GO HERE

      #ivyleague
      # didn’t get in? suckstosuck.

      Posted on Reply
      • AUTHOR OF ARTICLE says:

        YOU CLEARLY DO

        #betchh
        #you got in? whodidyourmomblow?

        Posted on Reply
      • spot on says:

        ACTUALLY I DO AND FOR FREE
        #theonlyreasonIattendthisfuckingschool

        Posted on Reply
  10. peta says:

    i think this article needed just a few more references to the effing zete petting zoo. to make a round 50, you know.

    Posted on Reply
  11. haha says:

    you might want to recheck your description of owls….last time i checked coming from long island doesn’t make you “foreign”

    Posted on Reply
  12. Confused says:

    Sorry, what is zete?

    Posted on Reply
  13. rosenparty says:

    best description of van pelt i’ve ever heard.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Confused says:

    what is zete?

    Posted on Reply
    • rosenparty says:

      ....i think they live in hill?
      something like that.

      Posted on Reply
  15. funny says:

    that they paint Owls/Zete as relevant fraternities

    Posted on Reply
    • mia says:

      sorry your greasy brother didn’t make the cut you fat cow

      Posted on Reply
  16. anonyy says:

    do uva!!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  17. I should have gone to Swarthmore says:

    This is not just horribly elitist but incredibly racist. If there is anything wrong with Penn, it’s that small minded people such as the above bloggers attend.

    Posted on Reply
    • No time for bullshit says:

      You clearly don’t go to Penn, troll. This statement is so far from the truth it’s unbelievable.

      Posted on Reply
  18. Trix says:

    Hey, “We ARE…better than Penn” Penn State is a fucking joke. Try again.

    Posted on Reply
  19. yes says:

    Cover the offbeat Brown betch. They exist.

    Posted on Reply
  20. I'm a Penn Nurse says:

    and wouldn’t save your sorry ass if you paid me. Douchebag.

    Posted on Reply
    • LOL says:

      we know you wouldn’t, but COULD you…

      Posted on Reply
      • are you stupid? says:

        dumb betch.. everyone knows not to mess with a nurse..of course we COULD save you.  we are actually intelligent people who do something worthwhile with our lives.

        Posted on Reply
    • luv penn nursing says:

      penn is the #1 nursing school in the world.  wharton is the #1 business school in the world.  if you’re going for any other major you’re an idiot

      Posted on Reply
      • lalala says:

        Cornell’s school of applied economics was just ranked higher than wharton… check your shit

        Posted on Reply
        • jajaja says:

          haha PLEASE. first of all it’s not even a school of applied economics, it’s a major in an agricultural school…“check your shit”

          and everyone who is anyone wouldn’t even put cornell on the same level as wharton. let’s be honest.

          Posted on Reply
          • jules says:

            it is actually called the dyson school of applied economics and management
            and the ranking was done by bloomberg
            just saying. but if you go to a top 10 business school (top 5 this year were mendoza, mcintyre, dyson, wharton, goitzueta) it’s your own fault if you don’t get hired

            Posted on Reply
        • whartonbitch says:

          Is that even a fucking school? If you want to go to Wall Street, you go to Wharton. Don’t be delusional bitch.

          Posted on Reply
      • nursing school is not a joke betch says:

        lets get real bitches, nursing is hard shit. everyone knows nurses are by far the smartest and the hottest betches! not only that, but we obv get the best pros! who wouldnt want to marry a nurse? hot, smart, can save lives, knows how to take care of a pro.. lets get real, you wouldnt have gotten in to Penn’s nursing school betch.. plus, Daddys check book couldnt pass the boards for you either. yup thats right, you actually need to be smart for real to be a nurse!

        Posted on Reply
  21. Beige Block resident says:

    Um who the fuck wrote this? What about City Tap? Weds $.50 rails at smokes? Blockleys, Cavs, Drinkers, riverdeck? The creperie at houston? Happy hours at mad mex and copas? sips?

    And the fatasses in northfaces and uggs are all on student aid and/or from drexel pretending to go to to penn. REAL penn girls wear burberry, tb, stuart weitzman, and goyard.

    Posted on Reply
    • lol critic says:

      this is a blog post, not a novel. and tb? really? original.

      Posted on Reply
  22. a list: says:

    1. how is this racist?
    2. i’m surprised the lovely people over at penn state stopped by the website…even more surprised that they could spell words properly. consider me impressed. there’s no need to make you feel any more inferior—clearly you already have that complex nailed.
    3. some corrections: owls and zete are no longer socially relevant, achio is full of the manliest bros you will ever meet, and sdt has fat girls (need i say more?).

    Posted on Reply
    • x says:

      re: #3…someone clearly didnt get into a sorority

      Posted on Reply
      • Sorry says:

        Clearly you’re one of the fat girls in sdt.

        Posted on Reply
  23. ivy says:

    penn is a poor man’s princeton. ivy, cottage, ti, pi phi, theta, zete, ka, sae, lax bros, houseparties, lawnparties, winter formals, bicker, 21 club, the stores and restaurants in princeton (zoe, rouge, ralph lauren, j. crew, kate spade, witherspoon grill, blue point, mediterra, mezzaluna, twist)... the list of betchy things goes on and on

    Posted on Reply
    • TI betch says:

      spot fucking on. this needs to happen already.

      Posted on Reply
      • Tiger says:

        ^^ Yes

        Posted on Reply
    • you dumb betch says:

      penn can’t be a poor man’s princeton. it costs more to come here ! besides, princeton is in jersey. you lose.

      Posted on Reply
  24. bulldog betch says:

    you needed to do yale…like yesterday

    Posted on Reply
    • like, yale says:

      gant was like practically invented on this campus, and we fucking wear sweaters with a giant Y on it. plus 50 most beautiful every year. and societies. and gay bff’s fucking everywhere.

      Posted on Reply
      • yalebetch says:

        uhmmm yes. don’t forget the abundance of rich bros and future-pros. penn is the poor man’s harvard/yale/princeton. let’s be real, the only 3 ivies that matter, and if you disagree, it’s cause you didn’t get in. ugh but harvard has NO betches, as we all learn from harvard-yale freshman year.

        Posted on Reply
  25. UVA UVA UVA says:

    DO UVA (guys in ties, girls in pearls… betchiest school ever fucking duh)

    Posted on Reply
  26. betch@Penn says:

    But actually- “a list” is right- SDT girls aren’t JABS, they’re just fucking JAPS, and they need to hit Pottruck. Badly. AXO isn’t manly, it’s just not attractive. Neither of the two are considered “top” anymore. Tabard is also irrelevant, and all the would-be tabards decide to do Theta, obvi. Also, Phi Delt is really waspy. So whoever wrote this post graduated in ancient times.

    Posted on Reply
    • Yup says:

      Pretty much.

      Posted on Reply
  27. Quakerbetch says:

    You got most of the sorority/frat stuff wrong, as well as your descriptions of each school. Just remember, we have ivy league degrees, and not from Cornell. So regardless of if daddy got us in or not, we have fucking prestige that you blog writers probably can’t even dream of. Ask an actual, RELEVANT Penn betch to write this- and not one in SDT, because those girls are fat and were never considered “top” until this blog post.

    Posted on Reply
    • BINGO says:

      this is the fucking truth.

      Posted on Reply
    • chill says:

      you care too much

      Posted on Reply
  28. wahoowah says:

    DO UVA. We are ten times as betchy as UPENN.

    Posted on Reply
    • Jsjdjd says:

      UVA is too waspy and this site obviously is written by “jabs”. It’s not really their spot of expertise especially given how one-sided this blog is written. I’m actually surprised they even did SMU.

      Posted on Reply
  29. J says:

    GWU should definitely be on this list.

    Posted on Reply
  30. columbiabetch` says:

    please do columbia university. honestly this should have been the first ivy done. we are located right in the betchiest and best city, #NYC…. cc, seas, bc, gs….would make a very interesting yet delightful and funny post!!!!

    Posted on Reply
    • Omg!!!!! says:

      Please be a little more desperate!!!!!!!!!!!

      Posted on Reply
  31. Northwestern says:

    Do NORTHWESTERN… student body is both preppy and indie as well as more attractive than most of the Ivies and equivalents (Duke, UChicago, etc.). Huge party scene and a lot of Chicago, cosmopolitan influence.

    Posted on Reply
  32. yikes says:

    Philadelphia is home to some REALLY ugly people; it’s alarming :(.

    Posted on Reply
    • that's cute says:

      you call yourself an amherst betch and you go to UMass? sweetie, please. there’s one betchy amherst, and it’s def not a public school. ew.

      Posted on Reply
      • amherst betch says:

        UMass Amherst is the hardest public school to get into in Massachusetts, which is a state known for its amazing schools, and its the one everyone wishes they could go to. There is greek life and parties to go to every day of the week. It is composed mostly of out of state betches who can afford the high out of state tuition, and not nice girls with acne that go to ivy league schools like UPenn.

        Posted on Reply
  33. anonymous says:

    just an FYI it’s definitely not easy to get into penn. also, while there may be attractive girls somewhere on this campus, after walking through locust walk in the prime hours of classes half of the people here are overweight and look like they don’t give a shit about how they look.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Maria says:

    DO Georgetown University

    Posted on Reply
  35. penn10 says:

    this is everything i hated about penn in one article. and, overall, i absolutely LOVED penn.

    written by and for the worst people at the university (and possibly the world).

    Posted on Reply
  36. Your Name says:

    penn has admitted some really dumb people that i know…

    Posted on Reply
  37. Dartmouth Betch says:

    Please, please do Dartmouth. Huge Greek scene, so much potential for betch analysis.

    Posted on Reply
    • Other Dartmouth Betch says:

      Ew plz don’t be tacky and beg. I’m usually proud of the fact that our school is so rarely ever brought up in a “please do my school” comment. Because let’s be real, a real betch would never be desperate enough to beg like that.

      But yeah, I will admit Dartmouth is betchy as fuck.  and #1 hottest guys in the ivy league. so there’s that.

      Posted on Reply
  38. princeton says:

    hahaha Princeton is way betchier than Penn. Princeton is the preppy betch, Columbia is the urban betch. An argument could be made for Dartmouth and Yale as well but not nearly as much as Princeton and Columbia.

    Posted on Reply
    • pennbetch says:

      princeton is too socially awk. most of the ivies are. people hide behind books, don’t know how to interact with people. and all ugly.

      at least penn kids are skinny and social. plus more internationals at penn and wealthier - no need-blind for our foreigners, they need-aware. thanks to wharton, penn runs wall street. annenberg means the same for the media, particularly gossip magazines. while princeton thinks about shit, penn runs it.

      Posted on Reply
  39. ew says:

    Penn is in a ghetto philly neighborhood, no true betch would be caught dead there

    Posted on Reply
  40. allie12 says:

    Actually I think that if you have the right passion for what you want to get trained for there shouldn’t be any troubles in adjusting to any of these schools. I know people that started with nursing and ended with arts, it also depends on your call. I haven’t found mine yet though… It’s maybe one of the reasons why I need dissertation help at BestCustomWriting.com, some extra support will definitely be welcomed.

    Posted on Reply
  41. yale says:

    DO YALE NEXT

    Posted on Reply
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  43. Penn alum says:

    I’m so embarrassed for everyone who responded here.  The lack of vocabulary, tolerance and intelligent discourse speaks volumes about the students of all of the universities mentioned.  Fear for the future of our country if you represent the best we have to offer.

    Posted on Reply
  44. Hopkins Betch says:

    This is too much fun! Just take it lightheartedly…it is funny and spot on in many ways…Seriously, I have to train Penn Nursing Grads and NP students and 1/2 are idiots…Hopkins had the same problem…book smart and no clinical sense!

    Posted on Reply
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  50. Penn Alum Betch says:

    The only thing more representative of Penn’s elitist and insecure betch culture than this hilarious post is the slew of comments following it, obsessing over correctly labeling which frats are relevant, waspy, jewy, euro, or rich. And the never-ending never-funny #ivyleague #youdidntgetin posts only make penn betches look more pathetic.

    Posted on Reply
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  54. Kevin says:

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  55. Hubert says:

    Hubert

    Literally 5 girls per grade are considered smokes. Every other girl is so average it’s a joke. 5 hot ones. That’s 20 in the entire school. If your a horny guy who likes to bang actual hot women don’t go to Penn.

    Posted on Reply
  56. Hubert says:

    Penn State…better than you since 1855…..
    Cheers
    Hub

    Posted on Reply
  57. Conflicted says:

    I just got accepted EA to Princeton but am strongly considering going to Penn if I get in…would that be at least somewhat reasonable?

    Posted on Reply
  58. PAG123 says:

    lol. clearly an oldie wrote this.

    No one who has a social life is a GDI. its better to be in Zeta, than to not be in one. and Zeta basically just means those who quit after they got cut from their number one house.

    Ranking
    DDD- Voted most likely to get herps. borderline between stuck up and socially inept; Looking for a man to cover their plastic surgery, they without question need.
    Theta-coke heads; wear clothes similar to homeless people but expensive; most deactivate
    alpha phi- brunettes. half wifed-up. half down for threesomes (2 girls)
    alpha axo- one of the bros, not pretty but know how to drink
    sdt- japs.
    chiO- athletes
    SK- leftovers

    Posted on Reply
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