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By The Betches on

If you have a pulse, walk on two legs, and live in the continental United States, you either went to Michigan or know someone who does. With a teeming undergraduate population of close to 30,000, the odds are ever in your favor of being 1-2 degrees of separation from a Michigan alum. 

Located 40 minutes away from the Dirty D—that’s Detroit, mothafucka—Ann Arbor houses a student body more loyal to its university than the Nazis were to Hitler. At a school where enthusiasm is more infectious than an HIV patient, not being pro-Michigan is like not having a soul.

The People

In-staters: In-staters are, incidentally, those students that hail from the state of Michigan. They pay approximately 5 dollars annually and can’t fathom why anyone out-of-state would pay close to $40,000 to attend. If you can’t understand why this would be infuriating to the out-of-stater, look at this way: it’s like formerly being the most popular kid in your high school, I mean local-celebrity-status, and having no one recognize you after graduation.

Note: Bloomfield Hills betches are an exception to the in-state rule. All JAB out-of-staters want to find a friend from Bloomfield so they can go for Rosh Hashana or break fast dinner and pretend they branched out in college.

Out-of-staters: So then, you guessed it, the out-of-staters are indeed from those lesser known areas outside of Michigan--namely, Long Island. Out-of-staters are very proud of their non-Michigan resident status since it means they're paying extra to go there and this also implies that they like, had to fucking do something of note to get in. 

North Campus Aliens: North Campus is the Alcatraz of Michigan because quite frankly, you might as well be in prison with no chance of escaping (without a doctor's note). Having only been there once and that was just to see it, it’s safe to say that North Campus is just as bad as they say. Isolated from the rest of the student population and the entire Michigan culture you waited all four years of high school to experience, North Campus boasts...nothing at all.

The Greeks: While Michigan is too big of a school to say that “most” people are involved in greek life, it’s safe to say that anyone we care about is. For many girls, lining up like cattle outside of each sorority house during Rush is the defining moment of their freshmen year. For many guys, being so close to death during Hell Week is what defines their most memorable first year days. 

The Athletes: Much like a celebrity or a mythical deity, athletes at Michigan are feared, respected, desired, and worshipped. Denard Robinson is almost influential enough to convert us to his belief in sobriety. Almost. Seriously, forget about everything else, being an athlete will grant you an all-access pass to any bar, social event, or vagina. Just ask Michael Phelps.

The Ivy League Rejects: A sizable chunk of Michigan’s undergraduate population finds itself at this University after receiving the dreaded rejection or deferral from an Ivy League institution. These losers spend their days professing their belief in “fate” and how they’re like, so glad they ended up at Michigan because like, Cornell has really high suicide rates.

The How-The-Fuck-Did-I-Get-In-Here’s: From the dawn of time, high school classrooms have been disrupted all over the country on the day that students receive their letters from the University of Michigan, confirming or denying their admittance. The pandemonium of such high school classrooms comes not from those students who knew they’d get in from the start, but from those students who applied to Michigan “for fun,” knowing full well that their C average wasn’t going to cut it. But alas, with every year comes a whole new set of surprise acceptances and suddenly these little-engines-that-could are waving their acceptance letters around frantically like it’s the golden ticket.

The Ross Kids: You’ll know if someone was in the B-school because they’ll tell you…within a nanosecond of meeting them. While they’re not all douche-y, those who say they went to “Ross” as opposed to “Michigan” are the douchiest of them all (for more on this, see Kelley Kids at Indiana University). Ross kids enjoy their own special school building equipped with…well, don't know because you need some special ID to use their “facilities” – but I imagine the inside to closely resemble Versailles or like, a really expensive health club. You can also spot a B-schooler by the bitter look on their face that is the result of their inability to go #3 abroad. Cue the violins.

Greek Life

Sororoties: Top are Theta, Kappa, Tri Delt, SDT, Alpha Phi, Sigma Kappa, Chi O.

Fraternities: Phi Psi, Psi U, Sig, Theta Chi, AEPi, SAE, Sammy, ZBT.

During the Day You Should

Look outside. Is it nice out? If it is, fucking get dressed and get outside because a nice, warm day in Michigan comes around about as often as talking koala.

- The Arb, a huge Arboretum filled with various walking/running trails, nature sightings, rivers, etc. The Arb is a great place to get lost in, especially if you’re shrooming and in the mood to contemplate life’s natural wonders, like trees or marijuana. You can also go on a nice run through the Arb but then again you can also kill yourself, because who’s spending the one nice day of the year exercising? 

- The Diag, the epicenter of Umich, to people watch. If you’re lucky, you might even get to see a free anti-masturbation rant or jump in a moonbounce provided by a Jews for Jesus fundraising committee.

- Sit outside at Charley’s with the best looking of your friends, don designer sunglasses, and drink massive fishbowls. You might want to rethink that hamburger and fries though since passersby can see what you’re eating.

Look outside. Is it dark? Gray? Snowing? Blizzarding? That’s the Michigan we know and love. Put on your sluttiest chunky sweater and head to “the libe.”

Ugli ("undergraduate library"): Studious betches go here to see and be seen, and choosing which floor you sit on is about as important as choosing your career. Go to the third floor if you’re looking for “quiet” aka fewer tables, or if you’d like to see a live Greek who hails from a frat or sorority. For a more diverse social hour, check out the 4th floor where a window table is as coveted as Rose’s heart of the ocean necklace and a spot in the main room off the elevators is as loud and rambunctious as a heavy metal concert. Also, while you’re up on the 4th floor, be sure to check out Pedophile Pete – you can’t miss him. He’s the fat bald guy sitting at that random Mac desktop right off the elevator, video chatting with a 12 year old Asian girl.

The Grad or Ref Room: Go to the Grad or Ref Room if you have a hankering for a Hogwarts-esque experience. While I personally feel that the ref room is more suitable for a Thanksgiving dinner venue with goblets of wine or fire and Dumbledore regaling us with tales about the pilgrims, many Michigan students seek refuge here since silence is mandatory. 

At Night You Should

Ann Arbor is home to a slew of bars and clubs but only two of them are regularly frequented: Ricks and Skeeps. Instead, betches turn their cheeks to any bar outside of these two, opting to wait on meandering caterpillar lines that often extend as far back as the parking structure. This may not seem like a big deal but it can be fucking hunger-games-status when it’s the dead of winter, negative 16 degrees, and you’re wearing a tank top and mini skirt. “Omg, next time I am TOTALLY wearing a jacket,” says the slut online wearing tissue paper taped to her nipples and a mini dish towel around her waist. 

Scorekeepers aka Skeeps: Go to Skeeps….any night of the week. Whether you want to dance on that little 2x4 of a stage, watch the game (ew), eat (EW), play flip cup upstairs or wait by the bar for that hot guy to notice you, there’s always something for you to do. Skeeps is the backdrop for every betch's (lack of) college memories, since nearly ¾ of the week is spent within its confines. If you're in Alpha Phi/Tri Delt/Theta Chi, chill at the upstairs bar, and if you're a JAB be sure to migrate to the "Jew corner" located between the bar and the dance floor. Wherever you hang out get a Skeeps card - for a mere $1000 tab, totally worth it. Caveat: Don’t be THAT freshman who’s way overdressed - it’s a bar, not a bar-mitzvah.

Rick’s: The Friday night spot of Michigan seniors. Notoriously hard on IDs, Rick’s is reserved for those of-age and is therefore a rite of passage for the Wolverine. Go to Rick’s to “meet new people” aka hook up with some random British guy on the dance floor, only to go home with that same kid in AEPi you fuck on the reg.

Studio/Dream: RIP. Later renamed Dream, Studio Thursdays were the night to get wasted, dance like you’re an epileptic undergoing an episode, vomit in a nearby booth, and later fuck a senior guy in your twin sized bed in Lloyd. The shitshow of all shitshows, every alum betch remembers Studio as the favorite Thursday night spot for freshmen and middle-aged rapists alike. 

The rest of the bars exist are not nearly as frequently attended. Most notable: Heidelberg (drink a boot), Cavern (still don’t know what the fuck goes on here), Circus, Ashley’s, Blue Leprechaun (formerly Touchdowns), and Fifth Quarter. 

Sports/Special Events

Hash Bash: A somewhat culturally significant movement, Ann Arbor natives crawl out of their sewers once a year to embrace their hippie roots and smoke weed out in the open. Somewhere down the line, this evolved into a University of Michigan tradition whereby everyone gets high via edibles, bongs, bowls, blunts, and other associated paraphernalia. Frats are gracious hosts to many hash bash open-houses where all are invited to try a brownie or six and celebrate the holiday.

Football Pregames: A staple in the Wolverines week is Saturday football pregames, complete with shots (of all varieties), wine-chugging, beer bongs, booming music, etc. Notable pregame spots include the AEPi house, the Brownstones, PSiU, Phi Si, and just about any vacant spot of land on SouthU, Hill, Church, State, etc.  Many Wolverines rip shots at 7 in the morning to pregame just for the pregame, with no intention of going to the game. Girls in particular are big fans of the pregames since a) boys make sure to blast songs that will make girls want to have sex (i.e. Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You) and b) they can finally be a part of a sports event without having to like, actually like sports.

Sports: Hockey, Basketball games

Halloween: The one thing Wisco is better at.

Abroad

Spring semester, all the standard European spots + Australia + Israel + Buenos Aires

Where to Live

Zaragon: luxury apartment complex, prime real estate (close to diag, classes, etc.)

Landmark: newer luxury building on SouthU. Part of Ann Arbor’s effort to compete with “real” cities.

Couzens, Lloyd, Markley: must live in one of these spots on The Hill freshman year. If you live on North Campus or any area with the word “Quad” in its name—congratulations, consider yourself invisible.

Post/Forest Place: standard holding-cell apartments until you go abroad and move to a house on Oakland/Church senior year.

Spring Break

Punta Cana, Puerta Vallarta

Food

NYPD: Michigan Salads. The only salad that’s proprietary to a U.S. state. Also the only salad that’s more fattening than pizza. A favorite of girls for late-night consumption.

Pizza House: Great big, fluffy chapati breadbowls that are, in itself, a reason to visit once you graduate.

Sadako: shitty sushi that you’re convinced is amazing for all four years of college. Don’t dine-in unless you’re in the mood for a scene.

No Thai: self explanatory

Angelo’s: for breakfast. Very long waits. Only go when you have nothing to do for the next 6 hours but contemplate how hungover you are.

Zingerman’s: arguably a Wolverine’s favorite food in the world. 

Main Street: for a “nice” dinner

Things to Do Before You Graduate

- Break into the Big House

- Trip on an illicit drug in the Arb

- Have sex in the stacks

- Hook up with a hot GDI

Most Cultural Thing You’ll Experience

- Stare at the new University of Michigan Museum of Art on State Street and tell yourself everyday that you’re going to devote a day to go actually go inside and then...never do.

- Mingling with real live Ann Arbor hippies on Hash Bash

- Go to Detroit and experience “diversity” aka have a near-death experience and tell all your sheltered friends about it

Drawbacks

- Regular daily crime alert emails from DPS detailing the latest rape, suicide, murder, hijacking, break-in, massacre, etc.

- Closest metropolitan city is Detroit where all bouncers are armed…you know, just in case.

- The tundra that is Michigan winter, a season that lasts ¾ of the year

187 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Illini betch says:

    Dear betch,

    It’s totally time to cover the best of the Big 10 schools. You’ve looked at IU, Madison, and Ann Arbor (who is a whore), and now I think you should look into UofI. I mean, our school is so betchy it takes over the name that could be for Iowa, but like who cares? So you should like definitely take a look at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.

    -Illini Betch

    Posted on Reply
    • Chief Betch says:

      I second this notion. UIUC is one of the betchiest schools in the country and you still have not written about it yet? It is literally a school full of rich north shore JABs.

      Posted on Reply
      • Your Name says:

        i’ve actually seen illini girls spell the beverage “champaign”. please don’t.

        Posted on Reply
    • Northwestern betch says:

      Oh please, when it comes to the best of the Big 10, obviously we are the betchiest.  We’re next.

      Posted on Reply
      • kamscountrynight says:

        3rd the notion for u of i. honestly our school goes harder on weeknights than anyother school goes on the weekends. our betches get fucked up every saturday at 7 am for block, with betchy RSO’s such as College Fashion Week.

        oh yeah one more word, unofficial.

        Posted on Reply
        • John says:

          Yeah, because it’s Illinois. aka a shithole with absolutely nothing better to do. When you guys matter as a Big 10 school you will get covered

          Posted on Reply
          • kamscountrynight says:

            well sorry, we were just ranked as the 4th best party school in all of the country. Also, Hugh Hefner, as close to a betch as a man can get, is an alumni.

            #illinigoeshard

            Posted on Reply
    • I-L-L says:

      Illini betch I could not agree with you more.

      Posted on Reply
    • no. says:

      so betchy everyone wears forever21 and goes to school in bumblefucking champaign illinois.

      Posted on Reply
  2. Michigan Betch says:

    Dear Illini betch,

    If Ann Arbor’s a whore, why couldn’t you get in?

    <3 Michigan Betch

    Posted on Reply
    • go blue betch says:

      amen. you go to school in a cornfield.

      Posted on Reply
      • hoohoohoosiers says:

        amen. they’ve officially covered the only big 10 schools that count for anything.

        Posted on Reply
  3. illini says:

    What are you waiting for….we want a University of Illinois article!

    Posted on Reply
  4. ugh says:

    why would anyone want to live in a flyover state?

    michigan bitches are pastey

    Posted on Reply
    • Umich Betch says:

      obvi confused about life

      Posted on Reply
      • umichbetch2 says:

        you obviously don’t realize that michigan isn’t a flyover state? unless you’re coming from canada. then congratu-fucking-lations about making it to civilization.

        and bitches love pastey

        Posted on Reply
        • yes it is. says:

          if you’re not from california or ny, then you’re a flyover state.  sorry to break it to ya…

          bitches may love pastey, but betches sure don’t.

          Posted on Reply
          • Steven says:

            You’re a fucking moron.

            Posted on Reply
          • Boston Betch Master says:

            New England states aren’t fly over states… cuz no one flies over us… unless they’re going to Europe from fucking NYC.  We suck worse than fly overs, plus our winters are longer.  We’re like Canada with Southy sounding dumb-asses.  That’s why I live in LA now but I still got this Mass accent that made dumb ass Michigan kids ask me if I knew Matt Damon ever time I spoke.  I went to MSU, which is where all the in-staters of Michigan go when they don’t get into U of M. 

            I only went there because I was dating a betch from Mass who had her dad living in Michigan, and she was too dumb for U of M, so she went to Michigan State.  She was letting me pump one into her without a condom on the reg, was willing to have an abortion when necessary, so I followed her there. 

            Michigan is full of dumb-fuck hillbillies and sluts.  I shortly dumped her ass soon after because bitches heard I was from somewhere other than Michigan and that made them wet.  When they heard my parents didn’t work for the auto companies and we didn’t live on food stamps while daddy was laid off, their panties fell off.  They don’t get out of staters at MSU like they do at U of M.  I literally had Sparty chicks pulling my dick out of one chick’s pussy after I busted so they could get a taste of the Mass Nasty!  Nasty, desperate bitches in Michigan.

            Anyways, I only lasted 2 years at MSU because its so depressing.  I had to go back to civilization.

            Posted on Reply
    • UMBetch says:

      If MI is a flyover state, why is Pure Michigan one of the most successful ad campaigns since WWII?

      Posted on Reply
      • MSUBetch says:

        Now everyone go take a sec to look at the MSU UofM Pure Michigan parodies on YouTube…

        Posted on Reply
  5. So Rude says:

    FIFTH QUARTER CLOSED. Salt in the wounds.

    Posted on Reply
  6. nice try says:

    SDT is full of all the leftovers who didn’t get into theta…

    Posted on Reply
    • slut232 says:

      Betch please..

      Posted on Reply
      • whatever says:

        you wish s day tayyy

        Posted on Reply
    • michbetch says:

      true. and theta is the leftovers of kappa. dumb bitch

      Posted on Reply
  7. Flyers says:

    What about the University of Dayton?

    Posted on Reply
    • UD says:

      Should def be on here

      Posted on Reply
      • UD says:

        couldn’t agree more about Dayton.

        Posted on Reply
    • No says:

      University of Dayton is just a shitshow. All the UofM rejects from my school go to Dayton…

      Posted on Reply
    • What? says:

      I literally just had to google the University of Dayton, because I had never heard of it…

      Posted on Reply
  8. al pal says:

    i cant believe people like this exist

    Posted on Reply
  9. lol says:

    You have been sadly, sadly misinformed you poor girl. Theta and SDT are top houses…?

    Posted on Reply
    • ma says:

      HAHAAHAHHA so fucking true^

      Posted on Reply
  10. wait says:

    you missed Pike… what the fuck?

    Posted on Reply
    • yep says:

      anddd Fiji…

      Posted on Reply
  11. Another Michigan Betch says:

    This is BY FAR the MOST biased article I have ever read on here. Get your facts straight. There are people in Ann Arbor/Greek Life who are not Jewish. Also, Instaters do pay a shit ton of money to go here as well. We just don’t complain about it or talk about it. Infact it is easier for out of staters to get in to michigan than it is instaters because of Michigan’s whole “diversity” thing.

    Posted on Reply
    • yesss says:

      ^^thank you!!!

      Posted on Reply
    • out of state betch says:

      it is not easier to get in from out of state.

      California betch

      Posted on Reply
      • in state alum bitch says:

        yes they do. they don’t make jack shit off of in state tuition so they take more out of staters to compensate (especially since Snyder’s cuts to higher education).

        Posted on Reply
      • Chi town says:

        I am sure it is hard for you because you are stupid.

        Posted on Reply
    • OOS betch says:

      excuse me but are you fucking mental, out-of-state admission rate is like 23%, and you in-staters get shit like, 38% in or something crazy. everyone at Michigan knows that you have to be one smart fucking betch to get in out of state, show some respect where it’s due.

      Posted on Reply
  12. pikeeeee says:

    where was pike in the top frats??!?

    Posted on Reply
  13. OSUbetch says:

    Ew! Fuck Michigan. We all know where the real betches are at. Looks like its time to cover OSU! Buckeyebetchnation

    Posted on Reply
    • OSU betch 2 says:

      Seriously! Ann Arbor is a whore…OSU is twice as big, goes twice as hard, and twice as betchy. We hate UM so much, everyone jumps into a LAKE to show it.

      Posted on Reply
      • Mich. Betch says:

        ^Might want to check your math.

        <3 A smart Michigan Betch.

        Posted on Reply
    • OSUbetches says:

      OSU OSU OSU needs to be on this list right now.

      Posted on Reply
      • OSU says:

        OSU is the biggest big 10 school…needs to be on this list now.

        Posted on Reply
    • Miami of Ohio says:

      you guys need to do Miami of Ohio—best kept secret in the midwest and the ultimate betches playground.. ranked one of the top party schools.

      Posted on Reply
  14. perfect says:

    AMAZING. so spot on! betches love mich

    Posted on Reply
  15. Blue Daddy says:

    Writer betch seems like sociology betch sleuth

    Posted on Reply
  16. omg says:

    “Ann Arbor houses a student body more loyal to its university than the Nazis were to Hitler” so accurate. hahahahahah

    Posted on Reply
  17. MSU Betch says:

    Definitely time to write an article about Michigan State betches. Ricks, Harpers, greek life, and easily being able to point out every sorority girl once it reaches knee-length Northface and Hunter boots weather…

    Posted on Reply
    • Go Blue says:

      Umich is the only school in Michigan that counts. We go hard and play hard. MSU has no betchy qualities - just Asian fobs (The Asian rejects from China. OUCH).

      Posted on Reply
    • ditto msu betch says:

      agreed. msu greeks are actually really betchy.

      Posted on Reply
      • lol says:

        they’re not betchy, they’re orange.

        Posted on Reply
  18. You Such says:

    That list of sororities is absurd and not accurate

    Posted on Reply
  19. go green says:

    MSU is the only relevant school in the state of Michigan. So U of M has 30,000 undergrads? We have close to 50,000 - that means larger Greek life and better parties, among other things.

    Illini betch had it right. Ann Arbor IS a whore.

    Posted on Reply
    • anchor nation says:

      clearly why it’s consistently ranked higher on college lists and also ranked internationally…oh wait thats U OF M. buncha jealous fuckers. we have better like everything which is why “I’m schmacked” came here instead and why the batch wrote an article about michigan and not state of UofI

      Posted on Reply
    • go blue says:

      ...how dumb are you? UM out-of-staters don’t know jack shit about MSU until they get to UM and hear the incessant whining of little brother. Nice try though…

      Posted on Reply
    • maize and blue betch says:

      MSU is 50,000 U of M rejects. You betches wish you were here. xo

      Posted on Reply
      • Betch Please says:

        U of M rejects? Ha. Typical pretentious U of M thing to say.  A huge percentage of MSU students could have gotten into UMich and CHOSE not to go.  I’d rather go to community college than be called a Wolverine.  “xo”, an MSU betch that could’ve gone to U of M wink

        Posted on Reply
        • John says:

          Yeah, guess what that percentage is at Michigan….100%

          Posted on Reply
        • Correction says:

          *a MSU betch you fucking retard

          Posted on Reply
    • State Swallows says:

      MSU and OSU bost the highes number of students because you only need a 2.5 GPA and a 23 on ACT to get in, they are both schools of nothing but in state people….they are the worst two schools in the original Big Ten (Nebraska and PSU are excluded)....both of them are jealous they couldn’t go to a real school…..

      Posted on Reply
      • OSU betch says:

        Actually no; you’re completely misinformed. Instate students need a GPA of 3.75 and an ACT of 28 or 29. And no, I wasn’t in school with all instate people. So, let’s stop being petty and talking about how I “couldn’t go to a real school.” No one is jealous of you for whatever podunk school you went to.

        Posted on Reply
        • out of state umich says:

          that’s hilarious. you think anybody actually believes that?

          Posted on Reply
      • MSUBetch says:

        Who cares what grades you have to have to get in? The important part is that we have more fun.

        Posted on Reply
    • Blue Betch says:

      MSU get the fuck out of here. Boasting about the number of undergrads you have? Who’s the easy one now? Also, MSU undergrads could’ve gotten into UofM and chose not to come? Uh huh keep telling yourself that… Most of the kiddies I know who go to MSU HAD to go because they had no other options. It was either that or community college. Have fun with the international Asian fobs.

      Posted on Reply
  20. MichBetch says:

    it’s CHIPATI. fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  21. MORE LIKE says:

    JAPS love this college…

    Posted on Reply
  22. HAY says:

    JAP city bitch
    jappy jap city bitch

    SO MANY so little time

    Posted on Reply
  23. Go Spleen says:

    MSU is relevant in the same way photos without filters are.

    Posted on Reply
  24. L says:

    lol this article was clearly written by a jew, the top houses list couldnt be more far off and I highly doubt anyone down south, in the majority of the midwest, or out west knows anyone who goes or went to Michigan. Your not as relevant as you think you are

    Posted on Reply
    • Wolverine says:

      *You’re
      the Michigan difference…

      Posted on Reply
  25. goblue says:

    haha okay let’s be real with these sorority and frat rankings….. UM NO.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Re: L says:

    No, you’re* not.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Betch 247 says:

    WOAH where did you get these sorority/frat rankings from, dude? wayyy off

    Posted on Reply
  28. TrinBetch says:

    Betches love Trinity College, that should be the next college on the list

    Posted on Reply
    • Uh no..... says:

      Tinity greek is going coed soon…..

      Posted on Reply
    • frat says:

      Nope

      Posted on Reply
  29. Gurdit Suri says:

    I believe that all people should be treated equally, regardless of gender, race, or creed.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Who Cares... says:

    These comments are hilarious. Calm down about greek life, you probs won’t care about it in 10 years… Go Green betches

    Posted on Reply
  31. wolverine says:

    ...this is a really unfortunate article. For starters, it’s just a shitload of generalizations, to the point where it’s not even funny. I’m really curious as to who wrote this, because you’ve got a lot of stuff wrong. Lame.

    Posted on Reply
  32. socialivygirl says:

    You keep forgetting about Penn, aka The Social Ivy - fun AND smart betches!

    Posted on Reply
    • dukegirl says:

      yes duke too! smart betches who love to party and fuck basketball bros.

      Posted on Reply
  33. Anti Michigan Betch says:

    Betches-
    I can’t believe you’d actually cover a school that doesn’t actually have hot betches. Really, Michigan? Ew.

    Go Green

    -Michigan State Betch xoxo

    Posted on Reply
    • Michibetch says:

      They were probably too blinded by the sunlight reflecting off of your chunky blonde highlights and UV rays emanating from tanning beds to adequately observe such an institution

      Posted on Reply
      • haaaaa says:

        i’m crying, i love this. so spot on.

        Posted on Reply
    • I'll Second That says:

      Thank you.  So your ACT scores had to be a little higher… little brother’s betches are wayyyy finer.

      And errybody knows it.

      Posted on Reply
      • No Way says:

        Little brother’s betches can’t be “wayyy finer” when they don’t have skinny down.

        Posted on Reply
  34. GreekAlum says:

    The frat/sorority list is way out of date. Sig, ZBT and SAE have all been closed (Sig for many years, even before I was a freshman, and it was running underground for several years until they got kicked out of the house that wasn’t theirs anyway). I also wouldn’t call Sammy anything close to a top frat—it’s definitely a “nice guy” frat, but top frats are generally, you know, rather douchetastic. (Phi Psi…)

    Posted on Reply
    • greek says:

      Those frats aren’t closed, just not in IFC….yet they all still party the hardest! wink

      Posted on Reply
      • Alum says:

        wow, they’re all still around? (except for SAE, they were already underground 5-6 years ago) That’s kind of impressive.

        Posted on Reply
  35. jews says:

    whoever wrote this clearly is either jewish or only knows the jews at U of M

    Posted on Reply
  36. greekgirrrl says:

    i’d like to take a moment to just LOL at these michigan state trolls.

    Posted on Reply
    • umbetch says:

      every time someone says that they got in to umich and chose msu i fucking die. yeah right like they chose that disgusting sloppy safety school voluntarily

      Posted on Reply
  37. MUbetch says:

    marquette should def be next. too betchy to handle

    Posted on Reply
    • seriously? says:

      marquette?  Please stop trying to break into the big ten…wannabes!

      Posted on Reply
  38. Brian Kelly says:

    I go to Notre Dame and still have to say, ZINGERMANS!!!  YESS!!!  Quality reference.  So good.

    Posted on Reply
  39. michhhhhhh says:

    fucking love this school. nothing else compares

    Posted on Reply
  40. Frat star says:

    Dude, your sorority list is totally fucked. Chi o, SDT and skrappa? Where’s AXO? Doz bitches b hot as hell.

    Posted on Reply
    • go blue says:

      You’re not fooling anyone AXO betch. Although I do agree that you guys belong there more than half of the skankbanks listed…

      Posted on Reply
      • Hmmm says:

        take off SDT. AXO stays off though. And fuck yeah we love Chi o and Skrappa are you real?

        Posted on Reply
        • michbetch says:

          chi O?? what is this?????
          anyone who knows michigan greek life knows unless youre in kappa/tridelt/phi/skrappa youre either a jap or not hot enough

          Posted on Reply
  41. idiots says:

    Every year MSU’s avg. gpa and avg. act scores go up. UofM has had the better reputation for a school harder to get into because it has been a big university for longer. MSU was a farming school for many years while UofM was a large university.

    Posted on Reply
    • Movin' on up says:

      So true.  MSU has been a growing university for tons of years.  Sure, U oF M has been prestigious for a long time… but the table’s are a-turnin’ wink ...and we’ve always had more fun!

      Posted on Reply
      • scores are up? says:

        I know someone who got a 20 and went to MSU last year. J-O-K-E

        Posted on Reply
  42. UM Betch says:

    This list is ridiculously off. The Greek ranking is fucked, not even close to being correct, and the bars as well. Everyone knows you don’t go to Rick’s unless you’re blackout, and Skeeps is where you go when you’re under 21 since they never check ID’s. Charley’s isn’t even mentioned - so much of this is so wrong.

    Posted on Reply
    • GO BLUE says:

      So true. Since when is Rick’s notoriously hard on IDs? All the bouncers are undergrads who let their friends/hot betches in. Seems like whoever wrote this went to Michigan at least 5 years ago. The sorority rankings are way off too.

      Posted on Reply
  43. So wrong... says:

    LOL at your greek life ranking attempt. Try again.

    Sororities: Kappa, Phi, Tri Delt ( tho probs not even top 5 after this year’s rush), Alpha Chi, Theta, Skrappa, etc.

    Frats: Phi Psi, Sae, Theta Chi, Aepi, Pike, etc.

    Posted on Reply
    • wait says:

      oh i’m sorry, i thought collegeacb was no longer a thing.

      get over yourself and worrying about rankings.

      Posted on Reply
  44. Mind Blowing says:

    How could you forget the centrally located oasis of betchy food known as REVIVE (it’s right under Zaragon!)? What betch in their right mind makes time to schlep all the way to Zingermans in search of high quality bread?  Also, as far as the sorority/frat listings I have two words: spot on.  However, you forgot Triangle, DPhiE, AGD and Lambda Chi.

    Posted on Reply
      • Mind Blowing says:

        With a nickname like Alpha Grabba Donut, I don’t know how my comment regarding AGD’s top sorority status could be perceived as anything but completely serious

        Posted on Reply
        • HUH? says:

          Triangle?? betch, please

          Posted on Reply
      • fucking duh says:

        Yes it’s a joke, dumbass. Deeph?? Hello! Those are the bottom two, period.

        Posted on Reply
  45. no blue says:

    umich aint shit… winning program dont mean shit if you can’t win a national title.
    while umich might be the winning program in the nation bama’s got the most national title… betch what…

    roll tide

    Posted on Reply
  46. Current Wolverine says:

    I love Michigan, and this article is a TERRIBLE representation of the school.  This column is a joke

    Posted on Reply
  47. HotGSI says:

    “-Hook up with hot GDI”? do you mean GSI (Grad Student Instructor)

    Posted on Reply
    • gdi = says:

      God Damn Independent, a college student that is not in a fraternity/sorority.

      Posted on Reply
    • HotGDI says:

      GDI means Goddamn independent… as in anyone not in greek life.

      Posted on Reply
  48. B says:

    If it’s not Ivy, it’s irrelevant.

    Posted on Reply
    • Ivy Betch says:

      Totally agree! Why have you not done one on an Ivy, more specifically Harvard, the betchiest of all?

      Posted on Reply
  49. UMichBetch says:

    spot on betches, but really though if your school doesn’t have an I’m Shmacked video, why do you go there?

    Posted on Reply
  50. non-jew-gdi-in-state wolverine says:

    you are obviously a clueless jew who has her face all up in her sororities anus while taking the all the jew frats dicks in the ass/vagina at once…
    skeeps every night??? hahaha
    skeeps is only decent on tuesday, but not really even because the only people there are stuck up frat/sorority “betches”, not to mention ~70% underage (which you probably are as well)
    before you waste your time not studying for your women studies test (which is probably your major) take your rich parent’s money and go buy a chipati and shove it up your vagina.

    Posted on Reply
    • Dear GDI, says:

      Get a hold of yourself! Crawl back into the League basement and finish your 500 layer Taco Bell burrito with the rest of the GDI proletariat before you forcibly insert a chipati into some unsuspecting SDT girl!

      Posted on Reply
  51. UMICH BETCH says:

    A few corrections:
    - The top sororities are Kappa Theta Tri Delt (SDT, Skrappa and Chi O are NOT cool)
    - Frats- top tier does NOT include Psi u? sammy? no… psi u is only fun for winter fest day drinking
    -Skeeps is the betchiest on a TUESDAY, and obvi Thurs/Sat
    -I have never heard of Circus bar…
    -Sports- basketball? hello. its called big 10 football, and lax house parties, and maybe hooking up with a hockey guy
    - Fall break: VEGASSSS with all your fave and betchiest friends!!!
    - VIP!! Pizza House is known for CHEESY BREAD, ask any girl.
    and the betchiest thing is ordering delivery when you live in like, Zaragon wink

    Posted on Reply
    • UMICH ALUM says:

      Circus is great. blue grass on Wednesdays. step away from south u/skeeps for one second.

      Posted on Reply
    • LOL says:

      LOL. Theta, stop self promoting, you’ve been going downhill for four years

      Posted on Reply
  52. Hoos the top betch? says:

    As somebody who turned down Michigan to attend UVA, I’m shocked that the betches haven’t gotten around to honoring what is not only the number one public university in the country, but was also just ranked #1 party school by Playboy.

    Wah-hoo-wah betches

    Posted on Reply
    • please says:

      berkeley and ucla rank higher than uva.

      Posted on Reply
      • truth hurts says:

        berkeley and ucla are going broke… uva is definitely a better school, a better party school, and betchier. it is crazy that you haven’t done uva or vandy yet

        Posted on Reply
  53. mich betttttch says:

    um, heard of Dominicks? the spot to be seen on st. fratty/pattys/any day of the week when its nice out?

    And yes, Revive fashoooo

    Posted on Reply
  54. SEC says:

    Where’s the SEC love?

    Posted on Reply
  55. UM Slut 23 says:

    Michigan males have large genitalia because everyone knows that penis size is directly proportional to knowledge.

    Posted on Reply
  56. Poor Betches says:

    The idiots really come out of the woodwork when ya’ll do college posts. My (black) heart goes out to ya!

    Posted on Reply
  57. gogreeek says:

    This was clearly written by a jewish girl, they forgot PIKE as one of the top fraternities.

    Posted on Reply
  58. The Sorting Hat says:

    If people are going to compare U of M vs MSU in terms of football and academics it should be noted that no schools can touch Stanford and Notre Dame when it comes to betches who can boast both football programs and SAT scores as gold as the hair on their carefully dyed heads.  U of M is definitely up there, but just saying.

    Posted on Reply
    • frightening irish says:

      i don’t know any girls at notre dame who even go to a salon…as far as anyone can tell.

      Posted on Reply
  59. UGA says:

    where are the SEC schools? Everyone knows a true betch only goes south.

    Posted on Reply
  60. no says:

    fuck big 10.  gw all the way motha fuckas

    Posted on Reply
    • Yes says:

      What’s GW?

      Posted on Reply
  61. gwbetch says:

    hell yes^ george washington university was recently named the most expensive school IN THE COUNTRY.

    were spending mega-bucks to go here, only to waste $$$ partying like only a DC girl can

    Posted on Reply
    • lol says:

      Having attended GW (living in DC right now)..you poor kids have no idea what you’re talking about. Go to Ann Arbor on a fall Saturday and experience the real college parties.

      Posted on Reply
  62. Hail to the Victors says:

    I love the MSU trolls who keep commenting. UofM is obviously betchier… We can’t help that you’re just jealous.

    Posted on Reply
    • truth. says:

      i’ll give it to umich that the guys are hotter, but it’s not even a debate that MSU has hotter girls. just look at pledge classes from umich sororities and compare. you can’t.

      Posted on Reply
  63. bobby says:

    If you’re looking for interesting or classy nightlife, don’t go to undergrad bars, especially not Rick’s or Scorekeepers.

    Posted on Reply
  64. SEC is the betchiest around says:

    Not quite sure why y’all aren’t covering any schools in the SEC! Everyone knows the southern girls are the only ones that matter.

    Posted on Reply
  65. Spartan Betch says:

    Michigan State University > University of Michigan.
    UofM: it’s like whatever.

    Posted on Reply
    • Sparticipation says:

      An MSU 7 is a U of M 10. Any spartan who’s spent a night in AA knows this…

      Posted on Reply
  66. UMich Alum says:

    As a UMich alum and a member of one of your so-called “top” houses, I find this article truly disgusting and beyond inaccurate. I’m guessing the author didn’t actually go to Michigan.

    Posted on Reply
  67. College girl says:

    You seriously need to do GW…i dont understand why that has not been done yet.

    Posted on Reply
  68. collegiate mothafucka says:

    Let’s all be real and get out of the big 10 schools. Vanderbilt betches. ‘nuff said.

    Posted on Reply
  69. betchiest umich betch says:

    all you other schools be trippin. uva and vandy… do you even have sports? ivy league… way too busy stuying to be a real betch. but for reals, more than 500K alumni and I can agree, umich has best mix of sports, culture, academics, and of course, betchiness. plus ann arbor is the best college town in the nation. and oh yeah, zingerman’s, betch.

    Posted on Reply
  70. Pike says:

    We’ve all heard of it, it’s not on there because shit’s mad gay

    Posted on Reply
  71. north campus betch says:

    we can throw parties in our dorms and never get caught so that’s a plus. Sorry central campus betches don’t go as hard as we do #NCampus4lyfe

    Posted on Reply
  72. Sparticipation says:

    Ew. This is gross. More like self-important Ivy League wannabes.

    Everybody knows an MSU 7 is a Michigan 10.

    Posted on Reply
  73. wolverine says:

    Forever GO BLUE!

    Posted on Reply
  74. MikeMike says:

    Kappas and TriDeltas got the hottest pledges this year.  Alpha Pi and Skappa went down.

    Posted on Reply
  75. Nikki says:

    I’ll have you know, North Quad and South Quad are very nice places.

    Posted on Reply
  76. CU B says:

    take a look at university of colorado at boulder. BETCHES LOVE THAAT COLLEGE

    Posted on Reply
  77. MichBetch says:

    What the fuck? Anyone whos anyone at michigan has never even been to Psi U/sig/sammy… except during welcome week. and SDT? theta? is this a joke????? clearly some loser JAP wrote this shit. aepi barely makes the cut

    Posted on Reply
  78. RossSchoolBetch says:

    Okay, who the fuck wrote this. Fifth Quarter has been closed for serving to minors for forever now and only the JAPs would name Zingermans as their favorite restaurant. If you’re going to be the betch authority on Ann Arbor please get it fucking right.

    Posted on Reply
  79. umichbetch says:

    I am surprised people are asking this basic question. It is common knowledge that public universities give preference and favor in-state students. At some schools (like UNC, Texas-Austin and the UCs) the difference in selectivity is immense whereas at other schools (like Michigan and Wisconsin), the difference is mild, but the approach will generally be the same; in-state students will be given preference.

    Posted on Reply
  80. Joan says:

    Interesting review, I knew few things about Michigan University but never got to learn anything about the specifics. Some say that the chances of making more money after graduating this university are a lot better since it’s a very popular and well rated school. Would you say the same?

    Posted on Reply
  81. michversity says:

    Nothing about the black frats? I mean yea they are small but they still exist.

    Posted on Reply
  82. betchplease says:

    u of m betches are fugly as fuck.

    Posted on Reply
  83. sarah says:

    what about colgate university?

    Posted on Reply
  84. wally says:

    muck fichigan

    Posted on Reply
  85. Your Name says:

    Lol at these sorority rankings. SDT, Chi O, Theta top? Not even close.

    Posted on Reply
  86. Seriously?? says:

    Is this site for real?? I thought people like you were imaginary. Oh, and I’m 5’9”, a model to pay the bills and went to Dartmouth… And have a real life (since this seems to be what you Pay attention to). Not a completely superficial one. So if you think Im writing this because I am bitter- I’m not. I am, however, appalled that some people never graduated from high school. You guys are seriously pathetic.

    Posted on Reply
  87. Aloha says:

    FYI, Ross BBA program has officially changed so that a semester abroad is integrated during junior year. No more boo-hooing!

    Posted on Reply
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