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By The Betches on

When Betches consider attending the U, they envision pristine beaches, crystal blue waters, and sunny skies. What they get is a campus smack in the middle of a suburb, 30 minutes away from South Beach. But don’t worry, your constant state of being barred out combined with the blabbering of stroller-pushing Sofia Vergara-type residents will make any betch feel like she's in a far-away land.

UMiami has become the place to be for nightlife, football and its endless supply of Flordia’s famous export: cocaine! So ship your BMW down from New York and join us as we take a look at the University of Miami.

Greek Life

Although Greek Life is pretty big in the 305, we’d like to think we’re all part of the same fraternity of being fucked up.

Frats:

ZBT -  ZBT’s status at school fluctuates from year to year depending how many brothers went to rehab the previous semester. Don’t worry, some will stick around long enough to become investment bankers and support us.

SAMMY - Has recently overtaken ZBT due to buying more bottles and supplying more molly. However, there are plenty of non-threatening Birkenstock boys hanging around.

PIKE - Well known for their love of steroids, sedative jungle juice, group work outs and traveling in large packs, watch out betches: Billy, Jimmy, and Jimmy-Billy are lookin’ hungry tonight.

Sororities

DG - Blondes and their fake boobs flock Delta Gamma. Their Middle-America humbleness fades the second that they realize men will buy them things. Lebron may have fucked about 80% of the sorority. Some Jewish betches join, much to the displeasure of the SDT.

SDT - The JAB hive. Where else can a JAB from Scarsdale be hand-fed comped bottles and boat rides?

DPhiE - Ethnically and geographically ambiguous, these girls are from all over. The least obnoxious of the big three sororities, and hence the most boring. Chicago and Maryland betches in Lilly Pulitzer who may/may not give hand jobs.

At the same time, Greek Life at the U can be flimsy and independent cliques emerge.

Merrick Park Frat - Rich New York and Miami Jews who think they’re too cool to join a frat.

Drug Betches - They started out considering SDT, now they wear three headscarves and smoke cigarettes in the daytime. What? You’ve never rolled during class?

Dubai Boys - See that lime-green Lamborghini with the Kuwaiti license plate parked outside the Business School? Ahmad said we could go on his yacht this weekend if we leave our hamsa accessories at home!

Promoter Posse - Mass texts and Facebook invites. Their friendship is purely based a shared love of comped bottles and scrolling on iPhones

Nightlife

Nightlife is divided into two options. South Beach or the Grove. If you like to stand on tables (who doesn’t) and roll face, it’s South Beach all the way. If you like beer, bros and/or don’t have money, it’s all about Coconut Grove.

South Beach

Betches push past Spanish drug dealers to get allowed into the world-famous LIV at the Fountainbleau. (If you can't figure out how to pronounce it - blow, bleu, blue - stick with fountainBLAH.) There isn’t a better feeling than standing on the table of some guy who just spent 20,000 dollars on Perrier Joüet knowing you don’t have to fuck him.

Mokai is a Miami favorite where you can instagram pictures of yourself smoking cigarettes in Sepia.

Of course, there are the more easily accessible venues ran by UM Promoters. At some point or another, it is imperative you befriend one. Getting a Facebook notification every 15 seconds is definitely worth the endless supply of free Grey Goose.

The Grove

Close to campus and easily accessible, everyone goes on Thursdays. Barhopping is what college is supposed to be about, right? So we stomach it once a week.

Get Moose Juice at Moe’s. All the calories from the sugar will disappear once you blow lines in the bathroom.

Tavern - Pike and DG dominate Tavern. With all the country music and denim shorts you’d think you were at a Klan rally.

Every couple of months, someone will try and turn a Grove bar into a South Beach style club. These constantly come and go. The idea of bottle service is too foreign to some people.

What to Do During the Day

Laying out - Whether it’s at someone’s apartment pool or the beach. Nothing is better than laying out. Besides Instagramming pictures of yourself laying out.

Boats - Like promoters, finding a guy with a boat is a necessary evil. Also one of the most important parts of going on a boat is letting everyone know you’re going on a boat. Getting blackout in international waters is where it’s at. You may or may not have not blown someone or get thrown overboard.

Special Events

ULTRA!!!! - Betches and weird European guys all over the world come to Miami for this annual celebration of doing molly. Also, some losers go for the music. Be prepared for muploads of ULTRA ticket purchases and wall posts of YouTube videos from Avicii’s 27th performance. Also, one must obey the ULTRA uniform while at the festival: Neon tanktop, Neon sunglasses, Neon tampon.

Regatta - The day when you accepted that fat creepy Spanish guy’s number from LIV finally pays off. Regatta represents Miami’s Cuban heritage by shoving as many people/hard drugs as you can on a boat.

Football games - Only for the tailgates. Then take a cab from the ghetto back home before the first quarter is over.

Shipping your bestie off to rehab - a time-honored tradition.

Spring Break

Rolling face with Spanish people gets swapped for rolling face with Spanish people: Puerto Vallarta. Formerly Acapulco. Some people stay in town because they prefer the domestic Spanish people.

Where to Live

So you no longer speak to your dorm roommate who you swore was your soul mate six months ago?

Merrick Park/One Village - What better way to rough-it college style than a luxury condo on top of the Louis Vuitton store? Betches with money living in a designer shopping destination. The symbolism is poetic.

Red Road Commons - If you don’t have money, there’s always this option. Kind of reminds you of the Warsaw ghetto, except painted vominous pastels.

Houses - You don’t want to have the entire continent of South America as your neighbors?

Food

Cocaine, Molly, Adderall, Roxys, and Parliaments. Oh, and Prime 112 when your parents visit.

Abroad

Australia, Prague, Barcelona, Rehab, Grandpa’s house in Boca

Things to Do Before You Graduate

- Road trip to Mardi Gras

- Go to Key West for Fantasy Fest

- Have sex in the stacks

- Pledge and drop within 20 minutes

- Have sex with a member of Swedish House Mafia

- Go hipster in Wynwood

- Go to Art Basel

- Monty’s Happy Hour

- Smuggle cocaine through security (any kind: airport, CVS)

- End up at a celebrity’s house

- End up at rich family friend’s house

- Play host to some visiting betches

- Survive a hurricane

- Survive a bad pregame

57 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. 305 Betch says:

    Got a few laughs but overall this is awful and not even close to accurate…check your sources

    Posted on Reply
  2. Grace Justlikethesauce says:

    These blogs never get it wrong do they..

    Too bad they forgot about the underlying group of hippie/festie betxhes that got over the pretentiousness of south beach freshman year, the bingedrinking Bar scene before they stepped foot in the 305, Discovered Molly before it became Trendy and saw SkrYllex for $10 before he was Glitzin ‘n Glammin at The Fountainbleu poolside.

    These betxhes realize there are better ways to express their creativity than uploading an Instagram pic of their left tit 10x a day .. like .. picking up a Holga and a roll of film and joining clubs like UDoodle or Taking part in Jamnesty.

    Need i not mention Ultra, well it’s exactly that - ULTRAA : the playground for rolling babies and their pacifiers that are delusioned by the same build up and beat drop of aviKii and ears are clearly not programmed to appreciate the harmonious sounds of real instruments. We all know real Music festivals involve Camping and gettin down nd dirty with our friends Lucy and DeMeTri. As for food, the favorite Vegan meal.. Mushrooms of coursee!

    Stay True to U smile

    Posted on Reply
    • anon says:

      Grace I’m dying i love you

      Posted on Reply
    • ... says:

      sweetheart your hipster is showing..
      gross

      Posted on Reply
    • so sick says:

      love ya betch

      Posted on Reply
  3. whut says:

    two of the frats you mentioned are no longer on campus you ignorant fuck

    Posted on Reply
    • orange and green says:

      umm what? sammy and ZBT both still have houses on frat row. pike’s pending investigation is still PENDING and their house is currently under construction on san amaro. get educated.

      Posted on Reply
      • sammy says:

        sammy doesnt have a house

        Posted on Reply
        • REDIC says:

          you dont need a house to be a frat….

          Posted on Reply
        • lol says:

          lol and who cares about sammy or pike again??

          or frat boys for that matter?

          Posted on Reply
      • no says:

        Sammy doesn’t have a house on campus and ZBT sucks so they don’t really count

        Posted on Reply
  4. Gauchobetch says:

    Betches, UCSB, We have our OWN beach, party oceanside,and are full of betches and bros… just sayin

    Posted on Reply
    • s says:

      fucking SERIOUSLY.

      Posted on Reply
    • yep says:

      I don’t even go to UCSB and they have my vote.

      Posted on Reply
      • please says:

        we have extravaganza and coachella

        Posted on Reply
  5. MIAMIBETCH says:

    LITERALLY OBSESSED love this!!! it’s all about the U!!!

    Posted on Reply
  6. real life miami betch says:

    Whoever wrote this has obviously never been anywhere close to Miami. Totally inaccurate. Its not funny when its not true

    Posted on Reply
    • Former Miami Student says:

      Completely agree…I grew up in miami then went to Umiami. You have no fucking idea what uMiami is about so stfu and probably stop being jealous that you didn’t go there.

      Posted on Reply
      • Miami betch says:

        lol apparently some one cant take a joke - i live next door to UM - so accurate

        Posted on Reply
  7. UMiami BETCH says:

    Thanks for the opinions, UMiami JAB, but you and your fellow Long Islanders only make up 1/3 of the Betchy campus.

    This post was so desperately trying to fit in with the Betch culture of the site, that it’s laughable. How many times do you need to mention rolling and Molly for us to be convinced of your coolness? I mean, you’re clearly SO cool.

    Do you even go to UM? Do you do the exact same thing with your life every week? Yawn.

    Better luck next time,
    Miami Alumbetch

    Posted on Reply
    • Lol says:

      Spoken like a true betch

      Posted on Reply
    • Betchosaur says:

      YES. Truest comment ever.

      Posted on Reply
    • sdkfjdsf says:

      Did you happen to notice they like coke too?  Definitely not mentioned enough either…

      But seriously, enough with the constant references.  We get it.  You’re into drugs.  But you’re starting to look like you don’t know the difference between a party and a problem which is never a good look.

      Posted on Reply
    • florida says:

      what about UFlorida Betch?!

      Posted on Reply
  8. fulltime Miami betch says:

    While merrick park is much nicer than red road commons… They’re the same price if red road isn’t more expensive. And any real betch would know that you live in Brickell if you actually want to live somewhere nice

    Posted on Reply
  9. um betch says:

    I maybe laughed once. It’s kind of obvious some Long Island/SDT/Jappy/Sammy groupie betch wrote this.

    Um but hello where was Brickell??? Foreigners? Liiike who do you go out with?

    Posted on Reply
    • lulu says:

      yeah but it’s obvi written toward those who like this environment. hardly the norm at um, but greeks are the minority at most colleges anyway.

      this is just a description for a certain niche, as small as it may be. but pretty much everything that was written is true…you CAN do this isht if you want…and this is prob appealing to more than a handful of soon-to-be college kids lookin for this type of social life.

      not sayin its good or bad, but it prob helps someone choose a school. and keep in mind a lot of these kids are not complete fuckups…they do well in school…good enough to get in and still excel while partying…it’s like binge studying, but more power to them.

      Posted on Reply
  10. Please.. says:

    Y’all need to write a UVa one, please and thank you!

    Posted on Reply
  11. LOL says:

    so off….are you someone jealous that goes to FIU?

    Posted on Reply
  12. HIlarious says:

    90% of this was true in 1994… nice to see some thing have never changed.

    Posted on Reply
  13. nope says:

    To head betches:

    um…why has cu boulder not been written up yet?!

    Posted on Reply
  14. JoJo says:

    Well, it’s not untrue, the generalizations at least. I don’t think it was so intense though (okay, maybe it was with ZBT).

    In general I laugh at building up the Greek scene. Such a joke compared to bigger schools. At least this betch alluded to those who are “too cool” to join one—you’re better off hanging around them, if SoBe and high-end access is your thing.

    Posted on Reply
  15. CUBetch says:

    Why has Columbia not been written about? If trashy SoBe betches have made the list you’d think the betchiest of Ivies would be up here, no?

    Posted on Reply
  16. Alabama says:

    largest greek system in the country
    best tailgating
    national championships

    Posted on Reply
    • UMIAMI says:

      yet.. no where near a beach. or a club.

      Posted on Reply
  17. iseeU says:

    not your best, ladies.

    Posted on Reply
  18. mmmmiamibetch says:

    DO ONE FOR HOLY CROSS!!! ps i’m from miami and this was hilar

    Posted on Reply
  19. CU BOULDER says:

    BOULDER TOPS MAJORITY OF SCHOOLS WITH REGARD TO BETCHINESS—WRITE ABOUT THEM!!

    Posted on Reply
  20. Cass says:

    Great work. Funny as hell “Also one of the most important parts of going on a boat is letting everyone know you’re going on a boat” and unfortunately for the existence of human kind- completely accurate.

    Posted on Reply
  21. UMiamiBetch says:

    Sammy and ZBT…? Lmfao, uhm no. The top guy fraternities are SigChi, SAE, and PiKapp. I’m annoyed how inaccurate some of this really was. Like we don’t allllll do coke and especially not 24/7, relax.

    Posted on Reply
  22. I'mInMiamiBetch says:

    Miami University in Oxford, OH should have been done WAY before fucking University of Miami, FL.

    Miami University is one of the betchiest schools in the nation. Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  23. UM_Guy says:

    Damn, that’s pretty fuckin spot on if you ask me.

    Posted on Reply
  24. currentstudent says:

    Some of the stuff in here is accurate, but as of 2013 the Greek life stuff you cited is a little out of date. I’m sure when you were doing your research and began writing this did reflect the current state of things on campus.

    Basically the top 3 frats on campus now are:
    1.) Sigma Chi
    2.) SAE
    3.) ZBT

    and the top 3 sororities are
    1.) DPhiE
    2.) Delta Gamma
    3.) Sigma Delta Tau

    DG and DPhiE are fighting for that top spot ,and they’re definitely interchangeable. Based on their pledge classes from this year though, DPhiE has DG beat. SAE and Sigma Chi are the same way. Pike is falling off the map because they were kicked off campus and their pledge class this semester was actually atrocious. The older brothers are awesome though.

    Posted on Reply
  25. LetsgotoFIU says:

    You do realize that ‘Spanish’ refers specifically to people from Spain, right? This was clearly written by a non-Hispanic fuck.

    Posted on Reply
  26. transferbetch says:

    is transferring into miami as a junior difficult from a social standpoint? given that im not in a sorority at my previous school

    Posted on Reply
  27. to all the people who think this is "trying too ha says:

    i get why you betches would think that, but it’s probably because you’ve never experienced the u.  you go to umiami because you like partying.  obviously we party.  to be honest, this article is just a miami girls sense of humor- to us talking about doing drugs all the time is funny because we literally do too many drugs.  come to the u, roll face at a concert, go vip at liv and get classy wasted on a yacht. 

    unless of course youre poor/not from ny or la in which case this article doesn’t apply to you and you’ll actually go to a frat party or worse…the grove.

    Posted on Reply
  28. NYCbetchin' says:

    Would transferring as a sophomore be socially acceptable if you’re attractive and normal? And is it dumb to rush as a sophomore?

    Posted on Reply
    • Lana says:

      Go through recruitment, you still have a good chance. Plenty of sororities take sophomores smile

      Posted on Reply
  29. Miami Sucks says:

    Don’t transfer to UM.  The people at UM are a bunch of pricks.  Everyone is super fake and you will not make any “true” friends.  Also good luck trying to get a good job out of UM.  The propaganda the school feeds you is bull shit.  Other than South Florida, a degree from UM is worth jack shit anywhere else.  The school is also falling in the rankings and is now ranked 47.  It’s at the bottom of the barrel of the top 50 schools.  Thank god I transferred to Boston College.  The people from the Northeast are way more down to earth and genuine.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      agree…...1000 xs over

      Posted on Reply
  30. beyotch says:

    this reeeeally needs to be updated…

    Posted on Reply
  31. Your Name says:

    “The ghetto back home”
    Don’t even know what to say about this

    Posted on Reply
  32. lol says:

    and this is exactly why i transferred out of that hell hole

    Posted on Reply
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