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By The Betches on

In honor of New Orleans and the high chance that it's about to get fucked up by another hurricane, Betches Love This College brings you Tulane University. A haven for betchiness, Tulane (or Jewlane) is where JABs and WASBs from the northeast unite to go party in a clean, classy city with very few minorities. If your dad doesn’t own a sports team, doesn’t wipe his ass with twenties, or didn’t invent toaster strudel, this may not be the school for you. That is unless you're a black kid from Nola or an athlete or likely both. But no matter who you are, you'll instantly become a Saints fan and find yourself randomly shouting WHO DAT whenever you fucking feel like it.

Tulane is an oasis of normalcy in a bumfuck red state where voodoo dolls, greasy food, and guns outline their culture. Thankfully, these Bayou hillbillies place an overwhelming emphasis on the art of drinking yourself into a coma, in which Tulane students certainly follow suit.

Greek Life

Sororities: Kappa and Pi Phi for the WASBy blonde girls known for crazy drugs and drinking reps, AEPhi for the JABs who exclusively hang out with each other.

Fraternities: Top are SAE, Sig Ep, AEPi, used to be Pike, and Sammy whose claim to fame is an alum who every bro aspires to be, Jerry Springer. Frat formals in Florida and Alabama are weekends of serious debauchery at beach locations where you can play beer bong and pop pills until you pass the fuck out in the sand. 

At Night You Should

The Boot: This is THE Tulane bar mostly for freshman, go to 50 cent night on Tuesdays, and happy hour on Wednesday and Fridays

Grits and F&Ms: Two bars right next to each other, go on Thursdays and don't eat cheese fries late night. F&M’s is one of the few bars in Nola that acknowledges that the drinking age is 21+ but like most of the city's exclusive establishments, if you flash the bouncer a piece of construction paper with a handwritten date before 1991, they'll gladly allow you to flash your boobs atop their pool table.

Palms: For late night where everyone always ends up migrating at palms o clock aka 1am

Bourbon Street: It's fun for craziness and novelty but you don't actually go there more than like twice a semester because it's gross, except for a formal or something.

Pat O's: aka Frat O's is on Bourbon Street but technically doesn't count. Go on Saturday nights to the Piano Bar and get wasted off 1 hurricane drink and dance on tables and request songs.

During the Day You Should

Go to the Levee aka the Fly to drink and tan when it's nice out, aka all the time.

Drink daiquiris at the Daq Shack before any and all activities. Their drive thru window says all you need to know about Nola's attitude toward liquor laws.

Special Events

Mardi Gras: Every betch you've ever met will visit for Mardi, all wearing the same purple gold and green American Apparel garb. The entire city including Tulane are all closed on Monday and Tuesday. A betch will brave Bourbon Street once her freshman year and every year after that party on a Bourbon St balcony. It’s suggested that you ignore your drunk munchies because the only available sustenance will be deep fried bacon wrapped shrimp covered in spicy mayo.

Halloween: A huge scene, much like Mardi Gras in that the only people not dressed up in ridiculous costumes are completely naked. Everyone parties on Frenchman Street downtown.

Jazzfest: A two weekend music festival in May. There are festivals like every weekend but this is the best one, and it's unfortunately always falls during finals but no one fucking cares.

Crawfest and Voodoo are two other events in which the purpose is to get weird as shit.

Where to Live

Freshman year: need to live on campus so try live in Sharp or Monroe. Get a doctor's note so you can live off campus soph year.


Thanks to the extreme amounts of alcohol, jambalaya, crawfish and gumbo that surrounds you in Nola the freshman 15 is known as the Tulane 20. You should never eat in Bruff, the freshman dining hall where with an unlimited mealplan and nasty food. If you ever do go there be sure to sneak in Diesel and chase with soda from the soda fountain.

Sake Cafe or Tokyo for sushi group dinners, Refuel for breakfast

Jacques-Imo's or Nola for expensive creole cuisine when your parents come to town

Abroad: Go in the fall so you don't miss Mardi Gras to places like London, Paris, Spain, Prague

Things to do before you graduate:

- shroom in Audubon Park
- say ELLO! to Lewis outside the LBC
- have sex in the LBC
- take a pic with Scott Cowen 

Most cultural thing you'll experience:

- jazz
- hurrications
- hurricane parties
- alcoholic beverages that you can pay for with quarters
- stealing the street sign from Hollygrove where #97 Lil Wayne grew up


- mad hurricane evacuations and crimes

37 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Betch#1 says:

    All the bad betches go to Tulane.  And whoever wrote this is the BADDEST betch of them all.

    Posted on Reply
  2. D says:

    hah this is perfect, thanks

    Posted on Reply
  3. anon says:

    fyi it’s jambalaya not jumbalaya

    Posted on Reply
  4. Pike07 says:

    Best description ever

    Posted on Reply
  5. Mich says:

    More importantly, Boot O’Clock starts at 2am, Palms O’Clock is after that.

    Posted on Reply
  6. tulane betches says:

    suck. tulane is made up with the lowest quality, most stupid fucking bitches in the world. their pussies start to squirt over their fake celebrity that they achieve by being VIP in the Palms and cutting the line at 50 cent night at the boot. fuck these stupid ass bitches, they are just bringing our school down.

    Posted on Reply
    • HAAH says:

      I’m stealing that VIP in the Palms quote.
      Whoever wrote this is obvi a sophomore/a loser who never goes anywhere.
      Tulane def is a betchy college. New Orleans is amazing. But…this article is retarded. Who the fuck goes to Bourbon after a fucking formal?? Betches go to Frenchmen and Jax (which actually has a REAL VIP area.) Freshman love the Boot bc u can be 12 and get in and around 3 am it becomes an orgy.
      Mardi Gras=block parties at 10 after the parades. Bourbon St. is for fat people from Arkansas and saggy titties galore. And some flaccid dicks.
      (BTW get a United Cab account. You fill out a paper and they bill your family.)

      Posted on Reply
  7. emily says:

    yeah I would like to think that Tulane amounts to more than this description.. it is one of the best schools in the nation and there are a lot of pretty cool/intelligent people that aren’t “WASBS” or “JABS” that don’t give a fuck about greek life or any of this stuff

    Posted on Reply
  8. Tulanian says:

    This could not be more accurate.

    Posted on Reply
  9. J says:

    this is hilariously amazing and 100% accurate. love you betches thank you #memories #whodatnation #just shed a tear #Mardi Gras 2013 everyone?!!!

    Posted on Reply
  10. 09alum says:

    who did the boobs grad photo!?

    Posted on Reply
  11. Rachel says:

    I went to Tulane and had such an enriching cultural experience - even as a Jewish girl in a sorority. For those people that relate to this post as an accurate synopsis - I really feel bad for how much you’ve missed and I urge those that are still there to broaden their horizons and explore areas like Frenchman street, the marigny and the by water and see all the live music and eat all the soulful food that you can. You won’t regret it and maybe you’ll leave Tulane more than just the betch you came in as.

    Posted on Reply
  12. C says:

    Make a post about UCLA!

    Posted on Reply
  13. Betchhhh says:

    Why hasn’t University of Texas been done yet?

    Posted on Reply
  14. Zachary says:

    This is completely accurate and the reason I transferred somewhere else.

    Posted on Reply
  15. . says:

    fuck this description

    Posted on Reply
  16. Sharp2 says:

    It was worth riding out the hurricane just to read this 100% accurate post.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Zane says:

    Lewis has been politely, yet forcibly removed from campus.

    Posted on Reply
  18. H8r says:

    KLASSIK LAME FIRST SEMESTER SOPHOMORE POST. Everyone who just graduated and thinks this post is about as funny as my new professional wardrobe say AYE.

    Posted on Reply
  19. SHARP4 says:

    Accurate for freshman + sophomores. Most of us explored the city (i hope) after that. FUCK JAZZ FEST. Go to Tips any week of the year.

    Posted on Reply
  20. NewOrleanian says:

    This is completely accurate of Tulane which is not a good thing. People visiting New Orleans need to stay away from every bar mentioned and instead visit places along St Charles, Magazine, FRENCHMEN and most importantly the Marigny. DJ Soul Sister on Saturday nights at Mimi’s beats “Boot O Clock” ten-fold for anyone who wants to come to New Orleans for the city, not the trashy Tulane betches taking their shirts off next to the stripper pole at the Palms.

    P.S. Tulane 20 wouldn’t exist if Boot Pizza wasn’t every betch’s fifth meal.

    Posted on Reply
    • bill says:

      mimi’s is just the hipster boot. get over yourself.

      Posted on Reply
      • Jeff says:

        Snake n Jakes and the Maple Leaf are cool too.  And this description is not completely accurate of Tulane; this is only accurate for those in Greek life, which is about 25% of the student body.  That being said, it’s still a shit show for everyone.

        Posted on Reply
  21. Hmmm says:

    A rookie’s guide to Tulane.  If this is all you ever saw or experienced, you truly wasted your four years.  There’s so much more to Tulane and New Orleans!

    Posted on Reply
  22. TulaneGrad says:

    And none of these people leave Tulane to be anything worthwhile at all… More likely the black kid from Nola…

    Posted on Reply
  23. lolabetch says:

    Do University of Texas!!!

    Posted on Reply
  24. what? says:

    this does not sound very betchy… but i do love a good party gras

    Posted on Reply
  25. Your Name says:

    Where’s your sense of humor betches?....this all all done “tounge and cheek”....... taking some truths from all of these great schools and making some hilarious generalizations! so funny!

    Posted on Reply
  26. Not Impressed. says:

    This has to be the worst description of Tulane I’ve ever read in my life. The “betchy” author of this piece is clearly a freshman that’s yet to leave her dorm room. It’s apparent you never actually went out…the places mentioned are fucking lame and gross. Also the food suggestions have me most disgusted. You’ve obviously never experienced a bougie meal in this city. It’s my favorite activity to get wine wasted at ridiculously over priced restaurants. Jacques-Imo’s and Sake Cafe have to be two of the worst suggestions, like, ever.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Listen Up You Disgruntled "Experts" says:

    How many of you have actually attended Tulane?  I would bet that number is oh, say, ZERO.  And on the off chance that I am incorrect, for the few of you that possibly set foot outside the airport
    (MSY - ring a bell, readers?) did any of you really go to the places that you mentioned in your comments?  Or did you just look them up and decide to talk about them while being a creep in your hotel or dorm room while visiting your super cool friend? 

    Granted the Betches clearly know nothing about Tulane and the underwhelming presentation of the true DEBAUCHERY that goes down is a disgrace to students past and present, the commentary post-article is even worse.  As if that were EVEN POSSIBLE. 



    Posted on Reply
  28. Bevo says:

    no one gives a shit about tulane…we’re still waiting for the university of texas, betches

    Posted on Reply
  29. SRSLY says:

    I declare a do-over! If not, a post on LSU is needed to redeem this post.

    Posted on Reply
    • What? says:

      LSU is for fucking hillbilly trash with low test scores. No betch worth her salt considers such a school.

      Posted on Reply
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