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By The Betches on

When people hear "Indiana" they immediately think of sister fuckers, meth labs, and crops. This is 100% accurate. But this state's other main attraction is Indiana University. Located in Bumblefuck, America, if you drive one hour south of the closest "city" (city is in quotes because 2 tall buildings do not constitute a city) which is 45 miles south of Indianapolis, past all the cows and Denny's, you'll find yourself in Bloomington, Indiana. Now why would anyone go to school there you ask? Picture 40,000 kids in a 2 mile radius with nothing better to do then to get as shitfaced as possible. What is unique is that everyone is on the same page. The collegetown consists of 2 blocks full of random clothing stores that don't fit in, restaurants that will be the cause of your adult onset IBS, and some of the best bars in the United States.

If there is one thing IU prides itself on, it is how blacked out one was last night. Yeah, this school is all about hard liquor and like, not that much beer. I mean, why drink a warm Keystone when you can rip shots of grape Karkov??

Greek Life:

We're not going to delve too far into this topic because there's so much to say, but basically your entire college experience/life is solely based on whether you take part of greek life or don't. But the difference at IU is that being a GDI is totally cool—as long as you’re a cool GDI. Here's the breakdown:

GDI's: There are two types of GDI's; loser nicegirls who cant make it through rush/hicks, and then there’s people who just prefer to smoke weed openly in their overpriced apartment.

Best Sororities: Tri-delt, Alpha Phi, Pi Phi, Chi O…Honorable mention to DZ and AXiD for mastering the art of NGAF. 

Best Frats: Pi Kapps hands down rages the hardest, Delts and Phi Psi…Acacia and ATO like, used to be cool but then ATO got kicked off campus and we saw our bestie’s younger freshman sister at Acacia so we left immediately. Beta boys are the nicegirls of frat life but smoke a shit ton of weed. It's been said that Kappa Sigs like to make out with each other because "it's funny." 

Daytime:

While some schools take pride in their research and high graduation rates, Indiana's main honor is the students' ability to drink all day and always make it out at night. When it's nice out, typically during Welcome Week and Little 5 (more on this later), everyone just casually brings mixies/does cocaine before class, or rents boats on Lake Monroe. But when we say boat, we mean a double decker piece of scrap metal that may or may not give in at any minute. But like, who cares? You're drunk. Hundreds of people in the state of Indiana flock to a lake, tie boats together, and get fucking wasted. This isn't NOT random but it's also not not incredible. Picture large masses of people beer-bonging handles, smoking joints, and having sex. Everywhere.

When you're partying off shore, you'll be raging face at a live out then Kilroy's or Sports. Normally we don't give a shit about promotional crew neck t-shirts, but after 10 shots you would be willing to revert your nose job for a Hanes shirt that says “K.O.K.” in XXL. 

Night Time:

The pregame is the most casual non-casual thing about going out in Indiana because you're never just pregaming. You're usually pregaming your pregame's pregame. In other words, IU pregames are what other schools would call ‘parties’. And once you’re old enough to go to the bars, they’re amazing. Not only do they close really late, but the shots are dirt cheap. This isn't cool because you would ever pay for them, it's cool because the guys you're with are stupid and will buy you about fifteen. Then there's Sports mac n' cheese, aka crack. If you ask the guy who is serving it if there's actual crack in there, he will flash you his 3 pearly yellows and say 'not that I know of.' It's important to note that if you know what this cheesy heaven tastes like sober, you're disgusting and probably poor.

Best Bars:

Kilroy's, Sports, Nick's, Dunnkirk, Bluebird, Jakes, Brothers, Bears, Crazy Horse

Necessities: Buy/steal a "sink the biz" game set from Nicks. Push girls out of the way for a free tee at Kilroy's Thursdays and Saturdays. Nonchalantly steal as many Kilroy's/Sports shot glasses that  you can fit in your bag.

Mondays: Kilroy's
Tuesdays: Kilroy's, Nicks
Wednesdays: Kilroy's & Sports, Bluebird, Crazy Horse
Thursdays: Kilroy's, Sports, Dunkirk
Fridays: Kilroy's, Sports
Saturdays: Kilroy's, Sports
Sundays: Day of Rest (unless it's sunny)

Sports:

One word: basketball

We know our football team sucks. That’s why we don’t actually go in to the games, but we would NEVER miss a tailgate…nor have we ever lost one.

Abroad:

If you go to Indiana, it's extremely important that you go abroad. The main, and only reason, for this is because if you don't, you are stuck in fucking Bloomington, Indiana. You need this semester abroad to remind you that the world isn't a giant cornfield and that there is such a thing as a full set of teeth. Go to Barcelona, Florence, Prague, or Tel Aviv.

Places to live:

Freshman year: If you do not live in NorthWest campus you are socially hanging yourself. So much so that you might as well lie and say you live there anyway. NW campus is made up of 3 dorms. Briscoe, Mcnutt, Foster. Any of these are perfect, lol Mcnutt. Check out #2.

Sophmore through Senior year:

East Coast/West Coast people:  For you, there is no reason not to live a block from the bars. Therefore you'll live right in the center of town. Best apartments: Smallwood, 10th and College, New Pavillion, Omegas, Omega Quarters, Rubicon. Anywhere in the radius of Kirkwood to 10th and Washington to College is acceptable and encouraged.

Midwest GDI's: These people live close to/in the tailgating fields in the Villas, Dunnhill, and Campus Courts.

Greek Living: Upside, the houses are fucking mansions. Downside, the 3 year live in requirement for most of the houses. North Jordan is convenient but not as fun as the Jordan extension. 3rd street has a sick location, but it's hardly the rage scene.

Off campus: Living off campus is sketch, but also legit. Yeah sure my house looks like a run down meth lab, but having a backyard and front yard for day drinking is sooo worth the risk of inhaling my neighbors crack fumes.

Spring Break:

Acapulco was the spot until people starting losing their heads, like literally. Now Puerto Vallerta is the place to go. Many kids go down to Florida but that is for people who are too afraid to leave the country/don't have money.

Special Events:

Every Saturday from Sept-Dec: Tailgate time. This is football season. Does this mean anything to you? No. Do you continue to drink ridiculous amounts of liquor and celebrate anyway? Fuck yes.

If there is a home game it is actually embarrassing if you don't attend the tailgate. And don't even for a second think that a death in the family or mono are acceptable excuses. IU is actually known for its tailgates, in that more people go to these than can fit in a Michigan football stadium.

Any hoosier, people wear as much red Indiana garb as they physically can. If an IU tailgate were a girl, she'd have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina. You wake up at 6 am, which is about 6 hours earlier than you'd ever wake up for class. You rip shots 6:30, chase with iced coffee. Then, you pregame. Head to the football tailgating field at around 8am. Refrain from peeing in the porta-potty, but if it's an emergencia, cut the line.

Side note: When dressing up for the tailgate, just because the attire is 'spirited' this is not an excuse to wear a large jersey, sweatband, and/or any amount of athletic gear. It's called sporty cute, not lesbian cute for a reason.

Little 500:

As an IU betch, it's completely reasonable that you only found out that Little 5 is a bike race sophomore year. The reason it's ok is because the bike race is the last thing you're thinking about during this week. It ironically/not-so-ironically happens around April 20th, and lasts about 7-10 days. The IU betch has been saving her absences from mandatory attendance classes to ensure that nothing gets in the way of you not remembering this week.

Even Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, Tiesto, and Alesso just came to say hello a few years ago. Also, 20+ of your friends and your friends' friends will come visit and seeing as their schools are an AA meeting compared to Indiana University, you will be thoroughly impressed if they do not die. I mean, IU kids train all year for this week of heavy binge drinking...Bikers may have their bikes, but IU betches have their vodka.

Little 5 is no fucking joke.

Things to do before you graduate:

  • Steal as many shot glasses from Kilroy's/Sports as humanly possible
  • Play as many games of "Sink the Biz" at Nick's

  • Chug a hairy bear
  • Do an IU bar crawl

  • Dance interpretively with a hippie at Showalter Fountain
  • Smoke a joint on the football field

  • Fuck a basketball player
  • Go to Oliver Winery

  • Eat a square donut
  • Go to night moves, hottest club in town

Drawbacks:

It's a public school and you're like, in Indiana.

88 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. iu says:

    bounce music festival was crazy !!!!!!!!!

    Posted on Reply
    • IU Frat Grad '09 says:

      This was clearly written by a guy.  Tone down the cussing, you’re not that cool, and saying fuck doesn’t make you cooler.  (Sister-fuckers should have been hyphenated.) 

      Biased toward the Jordan extension much?  You forgot to note the 15-20 minute B-bus ride to get to campus, (walking distance for N. Jordan and 3rd Street). 

      Are you from Chicago or somewhere even more awesome?  Hating on Indiana wasn’t really effective when you turned around and talked about how great IU and Bloomington, Indiana are.  Also, Indianapolis is the 12th largest city in the United States.

      “Living off campus is sketch, but also legit.”  Reading that sentence made me and the other readers dumber.

      The author did a pretty good job of describing a sensationalized, yet incredibly accurate, experience at IU.  I would recommend not referencing cocaine use and to have taken it easy on the swearing.  Other than that, pretty good writing.

      Posted on Reply
  2. Lonely gdi says:

    Pi kapps like to take it from behind

    Posted on Reply
    • yep says:

      truth

      Posted on Reply
  3. IUgrad says:

    this post is unnaturally spot-on….

    Posted on Reply
  4. Reg says:

    I was hanging out with my boyfriend Kyle who was gorgeous but then he like moved to Indiana.

    Posted on Reply
    • Kyle says:

      you’re a whore

      Posted on Reply
  5. IUkickedmyass says:

    this article was 100% accurate. just like the description of the state…

    Posted on Reply
  6. IU says:

    Holy fuck, the betches are freakishly and amazingly accurate once again. This article is legit the definition of perfect. I especially love the callout to the rich cool GDI’s smoking weed in our expensive downtown apartments, like that’s my life. K, I think I need to take a celebratory shot now.

    Posted on Reply
  7. IUGrad says:

    This was so spot on. East Coast JAP that lived in McNutt (uh, obvi. You’re obsolete if you don’t live in NorthWest), then Smallwood and then Omega for the next 3 years. Took my time to graduate because I couldn’t stand to leave one of the best party schools in the country. Hoo Hoo Hoosiers!

    Posted on Reply
  8. Real betch says:

    I don’t understand.. You started with such good (vandy and duke) and high ranked schools… These schools get less and less betchy.. Everyone knows a real betch’s parents were legacies at top tier universities and/or can buy their lucky sperm into respectable schools… Step up your game, betches.. Cause this shit is pathectic.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anon says:

    Why are you “betches” covering such shit schools.. If you all go there that’s embarrassing and very unbetchy.. Instead of covering third or fourth tier schools you should have written about ut and bc… Stop writing about safety schools and iu is just as irrelevant as it gets…

    Posted on Reply
    • They went to IU... says:

      rumor has it that the betches went to IU. clearly you’ve never been there or else you’d see what a fucking awesome party school it is.

      Posted on Reply
    • Anonymous says:

      IU is tier one, you vacuous twat. 

      Also, IU’s business, music, journalism, education, and computing programs are world-renowned.

      Please think before you post.

      Posted on Reply
      • Your Name says:

        Add to that the school of Nursing and Medical school too!

        Posted on Reply
  10. Skeptic says:

    What the fuck is Jakes?

    Posted on Reply
  11. Cbizzle says:

    Why dont you take more time out of your life to cyber bully and less time partying and studying at your “top tier” school

    Posted on Reply
  12. Purdue Betch says:

    Jakes is at Purdue not IU hahaha oops!

    Posted on Reply
    • Ummm... says:

      Jakes is right the fuck next to Sports you idiot…that’s why you go to Purdue.

      Posted on Reply
    • IU Betch says:

      a) Jakes is most def like ten feet away from Sports.
      b) Purdue is probably the least betchy school out there so stop trying to make the “Purdue Betch” thing happen, it’s not going to happen!

      Posted on Reply
      • James says:

        Ha.  Purdue is full of redneck farmers.  That’s it.

        Posted on Reply
    • FuckPurdue says:

      You’re a fucking moron

      Posted on Reply
  13. IU gdi says:

    Their** youre a real ivy league student? Idiot.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Iu girl says:

    Jakes is at iu…

    Posted on Reply
  15. iu betch says:

    your description of top frats and sororities is pretty skewed. ask someone who knows what they are talking about.

    Posted on Reply
  16. jul says:

    WHEN will you write about umiami?

    Posted on Reply
  17. greekishalcoholic says:

    ahhh the frats and sororities are dead on, except for delts. what? .  only three more weeks!

    Posted on Reply
  18. IU_BETCH says:

    “Purdue Betch” is an oxymoron… #fugly

    Posted on Reply
  19. txbetch says:

    Laaaame.  The only school remotely betchy in Indiana is Notre Dame/St.Mary’s.  Top tier school, pro party skills, lucky sperm clubbers, and most importantly, the majority of its students aren’t actually from Indiana.

    Posted on Reply
    • iubetch says:

      HAHAHAAHAHA is this person on crack?? only reasonable explanation for anyone to call ND a “top tier school” with “pro party skills.” Actually hilarious

      Posted on Reply
      • Smick-IU says:

        This betch ^ is dead on. I started out at Saint Mary’s, took most of my classes at ND and sent in my transfer application to Bloomington by October of my first semester.

        Posted on Reply
    • IU Frat Grad '09 says:

      Only a Smick would include St. Mary’s College with the University of Notre Dame as a singular school.

      Posted on Reply
      • CompletelyAgree says:

        Name says it all. Fuck anything related to South Bend, but don’t fuck the pretentious chicks from ND, and definitely not the has-nots from SMC. Least when I hung with a buddy at Purdue we found some decent girls that you might find on a Tuesday night in Bloomington that realized where they were going, and didn’t try converting people to be Catholic

        Posted on Reply
  20. btown betch says:

    pikapps is cool if you like guys who like guys and axid doesn’t give a fuck because no one gives a fuck about them

    Posted on Reply
    • btown bro says:

      will the real homos from kappa sig please stand up??

      Posted on Reply
  21. abcdefg says:

    university of arizona

    Posted on Reply
  22. nerdybetch says:

    Not that anyone here cares, but I’d also like to point out that IU has the number one music school, a top ten ranked business school, and a decent journalism school. Work hard, play hard.  Also, Watford for the win.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Btown says:

    Pi kapps is good but not the best. Axid is irrelevant. Delts is for guys with cargo shorts and cz earrings. ATO is back on campus. Besides that, this is perfect

    Posted on Reply
    • INDIANA says:

      idk, pi kapps boys rage hard as shit.  always a good time over there

      Posted on Reply
      • Pauly says:

        Girl, we all raged hard as shit in your ass.  wink

        Posted on Reply
  24. iu says:

    dz should not be mentioned in the same sentence as “betch”

    Posted on Reply
  25. domerbetch says:

    I agree with txbetch- ND is the way to go. but please, for fucks sake don’t put St.Mary’s in there. its only for the whores you don’t have enough brain cells to get in a halfway decent school, let alone ND, but want to pretend they do. ND is a top tier university, has the #1 business school in the US, a sick tailgating and football scene, awesome basketball/hockey, hot intelligent pros in training and ridiculous partying to boot. betches need to get their shit together and get back on track highlighting top-tier universities, not state schools.

    Posted on Reply
    • ND BLOWS ASS says:

      you are an idiot if you think what they do at ND is partying.  All the rich kids and d bags sitting around doing a circle jerk does not consist of a party in my book. Someone should kick you in the mouth to shut you up.

      Posted on Reply
  26. IU Betchesss says:

    Like totally perfect. I love Delts and Kappa Sig is actually good too! Bar scene is the best and Lil 500 is unbelievable. Whether you win the race or not you still party hard but you do go harder if you win! AChiO + Delts!

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    This is so obviously written by some stuck-up east coaster

    Posted on Reply
  28. UVA says:

    Start doing schools that actually matter again. Like UVA!

    Posted on Reply
  29. Rich Betch says:

    The betces should be covering top tier schools. We all know that’s where real betches go! real betches have legacy/ connections, so they don’t need to attend shitty state schools. Can you please do an article on betches at the ivies?

    Posted on Reply
  30. PSU Betch says:

    Penn State…please?

    Posted on Reply
  31. anonymous says:

    low tier, midwest school = not betchy. Seriously, how many boarding school betches are going to slum it at IU? NONE.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Btown says:

    Thank you for exposing us all to this cluster-fuck of an article and for making everyone here a little dumber, author. Also, if you drove by a cow en route to Bloomington, then you drove PASSED it and not “past” it.

    Posted on Reply
    • MW says:

      ” The past two weeks have been hard for Sally. She has not passed any of her exams. When she walked past me, I told her to forget the past and look toward the future. ” - The Dictionary

      Posted on Reply
  33. btown babe says:

    So this is how the unbearably annoying east coast fucks interpret IU and Bloomington to be?

    Posted on Reply
  34. Hoo Hoo Hoosiers says:

    All those who wrote that I.U. is not “betchy” enough obviously knows absolutely nothing about the school.  First of all, Smallwood and Tenth and College are places were the term J.A.P. (Jewish American Princess) is commonly used to describe its residents.  Also, I.U. has top ranked business school, school of public and environmental affairs, journalism school, and school of music.  Yes top ranked means on the same top ten list as Ivy League Schools.  So those complaining about this article being about a “low tier midwest school” have not taken into account that not all betches want to spend four years at a pretentious private university with snobs.  Some betches want to attend a school that is known for partying hard, strong school spririt, academics, and athletics.  No East Coast university offers the true Big Ten midwest college town experience so that’s why betches travel all the way from New York and Jersey to attend the wettest dry campus to ever exist.  HOO HOO HOOSIERS!

    PS If you need even more proof to why Indiana University is the shit youtube these:
    -IU beats UK
    -Little 500
    -IU Tailgate
    -This is Indiana
    -Ill 5
    -Bounce Music Festival (Tiesto Avicii or Afrojack - all featured just last year)

    Posted on Reply
  35. Fratonomics says:

    Top frats - pi kapps, ato, sig chi, beta, phi psi, fiji
    Top sororities - Pi phi, zeta, a phi, dz, xo, axo, tridelt

    She was pretty accurate.

    Posted on Reply
    • N. Jordan says:

      Top frats - Agreed but definitely take out fiji and maybe Beta. Delts won lil 500 and they rage hard. Add them

      Top sororities - Pretty much covered

      Posted on Reply
  36. USC! says:

    Patiently waiting for the bitches to cover USC…

    Posted on Reply
  37. texas says:

    patiently awaiting for ut’s turn….....

    Posted on Reply
  38. Allison says:

    Perfect.  Tearing up with memories.  Wishing my sports stamps never faded.

    Posted on Reply
  39. GDI says:

    This article is why I was a GDI, glad I got a rounded college experience but also managed to be a respectable human being. IU’s greatest flaw is the greek system.

    Posted on Reply
  40. b's says:

    please clarify that betch is “snobby east coaster” who goes to top private/boarding school.
    and they don’t go to iu so please stop giving into commentator pressure betches..
    betches go to
    ivys, duke, georgetown, bc, w&l, vandy, notre dame for really smart
    uva, unc, wake, richmond, bucknell, lehigh, gw, smu, bu for not as smart
    gettysburg, dick, denison, hws, roanoke
    elon, college of charleston, occasionally wofford
    and maybe sec school like georgia or usc (sometimes bama or ole miss) or maybe top lib arts like middlebury, colby etc

    Posted on Reply
  41. Yup. says:

    IU are you kidding me? Bunch of classless fucks. Purdue’s greek life > IU’s greek life.

    Posted on Reply
    • anon betch says:

      seriously? you do know that iu has one of the hardest sorority rushes in the country, right? i’ve been to my fair share of purdue parties (unfortunately) and the best one there doesn’t come anywhere close to topping the worst one i’ve been to at iu. go back to your farm, you fucking purdouche geed.

      Posted on Reply
      • IU anon says:

        Ugh sorority rush is so hard, even though there are now 21 sororities, most have dumb live in-rules that limit the amount of girls they can take. Basically you don’t get in unless you’re a legacy (and even then its no guarantee) and/or know a lot of the girls in the house. Hate the system here, so flawed!

        Posted on Reply
    • K says:

      but your ugly though

      Posted on Reply
  42. Is this real life? says:

    This site has got to be a joke. Do real people even talk like this? I enjoy partying and going to the bars, but this is a bit obsessive. I’m proud to be from a school that doesn’t consider drinking higher up on the totem pole than actual classes (ya know, the whole reason you’re there in the first place). I heard IU greek life was like this, but I couldn’t imagine that they were being serious. Have fun trying to get a job once you graduate and realize that you never actually learned anything in the inebriated stupor you spent your college career in.

    Posted on Reply
    • IU says:

      said no girl ever

      Posted on Reply
  43. Sup says:

    But really though.. All the girls here don’t seem like they do shit. ALL I’M TRYING TO DO IS FIND SOME PEOPLE TO SMOKE WITH. is that too much to ask?

    Posted on Reply
  44. Ummm....what? says:

    So I actually read this article despite my initial misgivings, and I have to say that I wish I had trusted my instincts: public schools are completely un-betchy. People who go to large state schools are one of the following: A. poor in state redneck peasants, or B. slutty and retardedly stupid out of state. The only public schools that deserve recognition would be like miami of ohio or uva.

    Stick to covering the schools with the betches that are actually impressive. Like cool, you get blackout. But do you blackout rage multiple nights a week at a Top 25 University and maintain a 3.75 GPA? #Talent

    It’s easy to “rage so hard” when you literally have nothing else to do and no prospects in your life. Sorry not sorry I contribute to society in a meaningful way.

    Posted on Reply
    • you are amazing says:

      I’m so glad that all that money you blew on your fancy private school education was put to such great use, just because the word ohio is in the name doesn’t make it a public school genius. Miami of Ohio is private, just like the overpriced most likely worthless diploma that sits in your parents house. 

      Posted on Reply
      • ur dumb says:

        hahahahahah miami of ohio is actually public you dumb iu fuck

        Posted on Reply
      • therealmiamiu says:

        second that. Miami of Ohio is definitely public and should definitely be covered.

        Posted on Reply
  45. purdue betch. says:

    purdue > IU. come party with me betches and see what the real indiana school does for fun

    Posted on Reply
  46. umm? says:

    didn’t acacia get kicked off campus…for coking up indiana? top frat or not, facts are facts

    Posted on Reply
  47. admitted...should i really expect this? says:

    All i know is that i really want to go to IU because of a certain program and it will cost my family next to nothing. Social life sounds great too, probably because of the school’s population size. I love parties, but I’ve never drank or smoked; however, I do get a kick out of observing others. But this is sooo much partying! Kinda intimidating…and im from a city less than an hr outside of Chicago so is it really in a farm community with no escape?

    Posted on Reply
  48. delts? says:

    LOL@Delts

    Posted on Reply
  49. excuse me says:

    “Raging” is not betchy. K? Also, the Taus are the best frat on campus, and where are my boys from Phi Delt? So…like…whoever wrote this needs to go back to Delts or whatever hole she/he came out of.

    Posted on Reply
    • yep says:

      agree completely

      Posted on Reply
  50. Butler Betch says:

    Fuck ND / IU / Purdue - Butler is where the TRUE betches are. Do Butler.

    Posted on Reply
  51. gdi says:

    wheres alpha chi in your top sororities?

    Posted on Reply
  52. IU says:

    You all need to smoke a joint

    Posted on Reply
  53. ceevee says:

    Well, this was just awful.

    Posted on Reply
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