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By The Betches on

In a world filled with tragic problems like people starving unintentionally and tsunamis crushing small, sushi-producing countries, there's tons of serious journalists out there looking to break the next big story. They slave away to expose stories of human suffering and fight to the death for stock photos of the Iraqi insurgent who committed crimes against humanity by wearing a disgusting printed vest. However there is one betch who completely ignores what nicegirls and Will McAvoy would call “real news," and provides us with information that's actually useful. That betch is Giuliana Rancic. 

As the most captivating E! News correspondent, the prettiest member of the Fashion Police, and close personal friend of grandma-betch Joan Rivers, Guiliana is the girl who is in the fucking know. Besides the fact that she talks about celebs professionally, survived cancer while maintaining her chic-as-fuck image, and locked down the almost famous pro Bill Rancic, this Italian-American Betch has taught us that journalism can be remotely interesting. We also admire her commitment to her job. G Ranc maintains a healthy weight of being barely there so that she can look good on television. Maybe pass the message along to Kelly Osbourne that fashion is not for fatties.

G also understands that being shallow and disliking unfortunate looking people is a key component of creating a better world for the next generation. As such, she is the host of the Miss USA pageant, where she makes important segues from bathing suits to homophobes back to bathing suits, all while maintaining a perfect smize. This competition exists to remind ugly fat people that inner beauty was just a concept created by a conspiracy of ugly fat people. We would bet our trust fund on the fact that her unborn child, who is currently being carried by a surrogate (pregnancy for rich people), won't be allowed anywhere near foods with vowels in their names. If you eat that chocolate bar, mommy is going to go on tv and tell all of your friends that you wet the bed last night.

So Guiliana, we thank you for reporting on life changing and world shaping events such as the Kstew cheating scandal, the size of Hillary McManshoulders Swank’s forehead, and the average amount of crack smoked by Michael Lohan. Oh and props also for taking subtle digs at the maybe gay shorty Ryan Seacrest; nice guys finish last but you don’t have to bother running in the race because your heels are too high.

 

15 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    Perfect segue to University of Maryland for the next Betches Love This College! (She’s an alum)

    Posted on Reply
    • Betchtudo says:

      Agreed. Frat Row (outshone Demi at her betchiest in St. Elmo’s Fire), the CSC cardio section, Connie Chung (TAB), skipping class in the spring to smoke substances and tan on the mall, broadcast/magazine journalism and b-school betches, ignoring nasally-voiced TTHs from New Jersey.

      Posted on Reply
    • YESS says:

      exactly what I was going to say. Maryland is sooo betchy.

      Posted on Reply
  2. Birthday betch says:

    Love this betch! We share a birthday and she has my dream job.

    Posted on Reply
    • Happy says:

      Happy Birthday!

      Posted on Reply
  3. OSU betch says:

    Saw this betch speak live at OSU she was adorbs

    Posted on Reply
  4. yes says:

    love this. also please recap the newsroom, def saw the reference in there

    Posted on Reply
  5. Yes. says:

    seriously, who ever thought that kelly osbourne would make a good fashion correspondent?!

    Posted on Reply
    • No says:

      She isn’t a good fashion correspondent. She has purple hair and used to look like a trash bag. Go back to England.

      Posted on Reply
  6. loveher says:

    my boyfriend is her cousin. best betch alive

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anon says:

    You misspelled her name a few times! It is Giuliana not Guiliana. Just figured as pseudo-journalist betches you would do a little bit of copy editing before posting!

    Posted on Reply
  8. Pepsi Paloma says:

    The betch reminds me of a starving chihuahua. In fairness, she does have an okay fashion sense, if not great. Peace, love and eat something, BETCH!!!

    Posted on Reply
  9. jlee5879 says:

    Love G, she is my future BFF. Also love her mom, Mama DePandi. She cracks me up.

    Posted on Reply
  10. BeautyQueen18 says:

    She’s Ugly as shit bro. Starving, ugly. She’s sad. Her husband is hot. I feel bad. How does he get hard she’s all skin and hard bones.

    Posted on Reply
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