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By The Betches on

This week's betch of the week is the only person who's ever inspired us enough to think seriously about becoming a lawyer. What, like it's hard? Even though her father warned her that "Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious" she decided to rebel against him and do the #36 work to gain acceptance to Harvard Law School. That's right, she's the betch who makes getting a grad degree look easy. She's Betch of the Week, Elle Woods, esquire extraordinaire.

Back when we were merely betches-in-training and our moms took us to see Legally Blonde, we were transfixed by this beautiful blonde girl who made mastering the LSAT equivalent in difficulty to missing a single frat party. We too wanted to be lawyers and use legal jargon in everyday life. I object! She also showed us that the key to a rising law career is a pink scented resume and wearing low-cut skin-tight dresses to court.

Elle also taught us that the most powerful secrets to manipulation could never be found in things like Cosmo or People magazine, instead they were in the betchiest document of all time: the Constitution. She made us aware of the amazing time-waster/post grad career choice that is law school. And why else would anyone else get a juris doctorate if not to find a husband? Let's take a look at Elle and why she's a role model for betches everywhere:

She stands up for what she believes in:

It has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from Charmin... to generic. All those opposed to chafing, please say "Aye".

She uses her salon days as a way to win multi-million dollar legal cases:

Isn't it the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you are forbidded to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate?

She knows the time and place to out her GBFFS:

Enrique Salvatore: Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.
Elle: These aren't last season!
Elle: He's gay! Enrique is gay!

She's a master of manipulation and the ex-boyfriend life cycle:

Elle: Oh Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?
Warner Huntington III: Uhh, ye... no
Elle: Well this is so much better than that. Excuse me, I have some #77 shopping to do.

She knows when to #8 not fuck bros:

Brooke: You know a Delta Nu would never sleep with a man who wears a thong.
Elle: Never!

She's more than just a hot blonde:

Elle's mother: Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the "Miss Hawaiian Tropics" contest. Why are you going to throw that all away?

She's a master at #1 talking shit.

Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.

She's great at shopping.

And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.

So betches, if you want a power career betch to look up to, Elle Woods can and should be your idol. So what if she'd rather have a client that's innocent. Malum in se is just like, so random.

15 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. perf says:

    less than impressed betches.
    a little less summary, a little more analysis please

    Posted on Reply
    • Like you could write better. says:

      What’s up with everyone ripping on every recent article the betches write? Just because their hiring interns, doesn’t mean they write everything and therefore suck. This article isn’t bad, and if you think it is go ahead and see if you can right something better.

      Posted on Reply
      • anon says:

        “It’s not fucking rocket science”

        Posted on Reply
      • anon says:

        THEY’RE. ugh

        Posted on Reply
  2. #1 Betch says:

    Perfection. Elle Woods is truly a major betch that deserves to be admired.

    Posted on Reply
  3. betchyz says:

    we all know all of this already…

    Posted on Reply
  4. h8ers suckkkk says:

    HAHAHA “we’re both vegetarian geminis” loved it betches nailed it

    Posted on Reply
  5. old betches says:

    i miss the original betches. I could write better articles.

    Posted on Reply
  6. this blows says:

    honestly this was like a middle school paper as to why you think elle woods is cool….this isnt funny or clever….just wasted 2minutes of my life reading quotes i already knew…cool.

    Posted on Reply
  7. LOVE THIS says:

    Go Elle
    Go interns
    && screw the haters - you should probably take a piece of Elle’s advice and go exercise so you can be happier people

    Posted on Reply
  8. JAB says:

    Stop wasting our time with posts quoting shit we’ve had down since like ever. Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  9. law school betch says:

    juris doctor, not doctorate. even if it’s just to find a husband, at least know what it’s called.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Real ass betch says:

    Holy shit! Tough crowd! Would you sluts keep your shit attitude to yourselves - don’t like it? Don’t continue to read it.

    Posted on Reply
  11. agd says:

    THE BETCH WHO WROTE THIS WAS IN MY SORORITY
    AGD

    Posted on Reply
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