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By The Betches on

Every betch knows that gluten is super bad for you. And by bad for you, we mean it's bad for people to think you eat any. You don't need to be Dr. Drake Ramoray to know that gluten is found in mass produced food and therefore, according to the rules of society, is povo. I mean, have you ever heard of a poor person with an opinion on the gluten free pasta at La Giostra in Florence? Exactly.

We know from Wikipedia and our friend who has it that Celiac disease is a really serious thing and it's totally not betchy to make fun of people who are medically forbidden from eating things we'd #5 never eat anyway. However it's not like these people go around wearing a scarlet C, so guess what betches, you too can feel free to be gluten free if you feel like it.

For betches, the gluten-free craze is literally the greatest thing since sliced air. Saying you're gluten free, or actually being it, automatically excuses you from eating most meals without being accused of having an eating disorder. Meanwhile it gives you a down to earth reason to demand that bros buy you vodka instead of beer. Omg I used to love Corona, but now my delicate stomach lining just can't handle the hazardous barley hops!

Being gluten free sometimes is no different than #175 being a vegetarian sometimes or only eating organic, except you won't sound like a less famous Gwyneth Paltrow. You have a real medical reason why you can't possibly eat what everyone has been eating and not dying from for centuries. My doctor doesn't want me doing any activities where bread balls fly down my throat!

So betches, maybe people have been eating gluten for thousands of years but that doesn't mean it's okay for you to. Be trendy, be elite, be gluten free when you feel like it. After all, there's nothing like a little stomach ache to put the small in small intestine.

43 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Betch says:

    Gluten free=more calories!!!

    Posted on Reply
    • really says:

      ew idiot

      Posted on Reply
    • nik says:

      Only if your a fucking autist.

      Posted on Reply
  2. Your Name says:

    you should do one about lactose.  betches don’t eat lactose.  soy milk and yogurt instead of whole milk and ice cream.

    Posted on Reply
    • Science Betch says:

      Hey dummy,
      Yogurt has lactose in it, unless you’re referring to that god awful gelatinized “lactose free” yogurt. In which case, both soy and lactose free alternatives are actually higher in calories and are highly processed having no nutritional value whatsoever. So while you’re okay with being a fatty and thinking you’re betchy by “not eating lactose”, some of us have brains.

      Posted on Reply
      • Your Name says:

        science betch, you’re the dummy.  yogurt is lactic acid, not lactose.  lactose ferments to become lactic acid.  obvsiouly there’s good yogurt and bad yogurt.  but us betches are capable of checking a label.  you probably buy the cheap yogurt because you’re prole

        Posted on Reply
      • Your Name says:

        science betch is not a betch. Fake shit, closet fatty.

        Posted on Reply
    • me says:

      yogurt has lalctose

      Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      soy is fucking disgusting.  and it is all gmo.  and it is all bad for you.

      Posted on Reply
  3. Gf Betch says:

    This is a good start but you missed some key reasons to be gf: 1. Dropping more weight from a betch’s already willowy frame (with out having to diet or be ano), 2. Giving a betch yet another reason to grocery shop at Whole Foods only, 3. Being exclusive, 4. Call me new age but not eating gluten literally gives a betch more energy (than a diet coke/iced coffee), 5. And finally, gluten=fat. Try dairy free too.

    Posted on Reply
    • Ugh says:

      Gluten Free foods (pastas, breads, etc) are more fattening than their non GF counterparts. If you’re dropping gluten to be a betch, don’t replace it with GF versions. Those of us who have celiacs have a hard time eating and not getting sick because of fakers like you.

      Posted on Reply
      • bt says:

        Yeah, hate to break it to you guys, but you WILL gain weight on a gluten free diet. (A no-carb diet is a whole different story.) GF versions, like others have mentioned, are full of fats, like butter (ew,) that help the food stick together without wheat flour. I do have celiac (which, you even joking about joking about it was really lame, you try having it and tell me how you feel then…) and I gained 10 pounds when I went on the diet and while thinking I was eating a whole lot less than ever before. Please do celiacs (and those with intolerance, too) a favor and respect our condition. People are taking us less seriously and as a result I among many others have gotten really, really sick. If we eat gluten, within hours it means severe abdominal pain combined with migraines, skin rashes, fatigue, nausea, and other things we betches don’t talk about. And then, in the long run, it puts us at risk for other superfun stuff like arthritis, IBS, anemia, diabetes, liver disease, and even cancer.

        Posted on Reply
          • HonorBlackman says:

            Umm no GF Betch is correct - esp #4, not to be new agey but you will definitely have more energy and be effortlessly thinner.  Read Wheat Belly or UltraMetabolism by Mark Hyman or Beauty Detox by Kimberly Snyder.  But I’m not suggesting eating the “replacement” gf foods that bt mentioned.  I’m talking about replacing gluten-centered dishes like pasta and pizza with greens-centered dishes like salad.  If you do this, no, you will NOT gain weight, and you’ll be a lot happier and healthier.  Also if you have celiacs, I’m sorry and good luck on your journey but don’t act like it’s brain cancer.  I too have a medical condition that severely restricts my diet and I don’t think about it for one second because I know how much worse I could have it on the spectrum of medical conditions.

            Posted on Reply
            • Ugh says:

              That’s exactly what we mean - if you replace gluten with greens and healthy stuff, it’s great for you (and yeah you’ll lose weight) - but replacing bread with gluten free bread or eating rice pasta instead of regular pasta (which soooo many trend dieters are doing) is not healthy.

              Posted on Reply
            • cb says:

              While Celiac Disease might not be “brain cancer”, you should do some research before you open your ignorant mouth. For somebody who suffers from Celiac Disease, the ingestion of gluten can lead to severe disorders and they are generally at a higher risk for numerous cancers you dumb fuck. Since most people from our generation were not diagnosed at birth, damage can already be done, thus, leading to things that might be considered worse on the spectrum of medical conditions(....like intestinal cancer)

              Posted on Reply
        • BioNerd says:

          Your comparison only works under the assumption that people are eating “gluten free bread” in place of bread. Many gluten-free, diet restricted from dr’s orders don’t eat the strange substitutes nearly as often as the normal person eats carbs.

          Gaining weight is an extremely multifaceted issue. IF you are gaining weight, then evaluate the foods you are eating and your daily activities (yes, I know what I’m talking about I study metabolism and biology). The culprit is in your choices. You can choose to NOT have the GF-substitute, and seek foods that make you feel more satiated.

          Posted on Reply
        • lala says:

          yea people with actual Celiac’s will gain weight when they go gluten free.  skinny betches without the disease will only get thinner if they don’t eat anything with gluten.  so yea, nobody wants to be a fatty and therefore this article is still legit.  PEACE.

          Posted on Reply
      • seriously says:

        I could not agree more, people never realize how dense and calorie laden the replacement foods are.  And at some restaurants I have been deemed more psycho than usual by waiters because they think I am being a diva, not a celiac

        Posted on Reply
  4. Bread balls says:

    AMAZING clueless reference

    Posted on Reply
    • no. says:

      STUPID clueless reference. C’mon betches be more fucking creative already

      Posted on Reply
  5. Ummz says:

    Corona is the only gluten free beer….

    Posted on Reply
    • Just to set the record straight says:

      Many light beers and beers that are light in color are low enough in gluten that they qualify for certified gluten free (<20 parts per million), even if they don’t say so on the label. Home tests or even a simple google search will indicate this. So while yes, Corona is G-Free, a lot of other beers are, too. Miller light, bud light, coors light, a lot of japanese beers, etc.

      Also, all distilled hard liquors are the same.  Upon distillation the gluten protein is destroyed.  This includes ryes, whiskey, scotch, rums, vodkas, etc. 

      However, everyone is different and sensitivities vary.

      Posted on Reply
      • anon says:

        false. wheat/barley beer is 100% not gluten free

        Posted on Reply
  6. Chelsea says:

    Vodka is not GF…

    Posted on Reply
    • no. says:

      but circoc is gluten free and that’s all that matters

      Posted on Reply
  7. duh... says:

    for betches with celiac, vodka and corona are both totally not okay

    Posted on Reply
    • glutarded betch says:

      as a betch with celiacs i can assure you that there is a thing called “potato vodka” that is 100% gluten free

      Posted on Reply
  8. gfbetch says:

    Vodka is okay as long as its high end aka Goose. Another reason to only drink the best.

    Posted on Reply
  9. voodoo41 says:

    Gluten free things do generally contain more fat and sugar, but for betches who want to make GF food at home, just substitute gluten free flour for wheat flour in recipes and add a little xantham gum to hold it together (they have it at Whole Foods!!). That way it’s gluten free without any extra calories!

    Posted on Reply
  10. sad says:

    the betch list is not nearly as funny as it used to be. it used to be my favorite part!!! do more and make them more funny.

    Posted on Reply
  11. S says:

    There are two perfect references in this: “You don’t need to be Dr. Drake Ramoray to know that gluten is found in mass produced food.” If you don’t know who Dr. Romoray is then you’ve been hiding under a rock for the past 10 years. “My doctor doesn’t want me doing any activities where bread balls fly down my throat!” What’s the maximum number of Clueless quotes you can put into an article? The limit does not exist .

    Posted on Reply
  12. Hill says:

    People are allergic to gluten now because its so over processed and filled with shit that our stomachs can’t digest. There’s a reason why we weren’t allergic to it centuries ago

    Posted on Reply
    • no says:

      “people are allergic to gluten now because its so over processed and filled with shit” gluten is a protein building block of wheat.  you can’t put anything in it.

      Posted on Reply
      • Culinary Anthropology Betch says:

        It’s not exactly about “putting anything in it.” Mass produced foods typically use bioengineered wheat, which is bred to contain more of the gluten protein because it makes the crop less prone to disease, therefore creating a higher yield and more profits.
        That being said, if you look at the sculptures of Ancient Greeks and how their bodies are perfect and toned with no fat, it is because they followed a Mediterranean diet that consisted of lots of fat, protein and tons of vegetables and mostly excluded wheat, including beer. In fact beer was was invented by the Ancient Egyptians who actually were some of the earliest cultivators of wheat. If you look at Egyptian drawings of their own bodies, they are typically thin, underdeveloped muscularly, and have pot bellies. There are actually records of Greeks mocking Egyptians for being “bread eaters”.

        Also, Corona is disgusting, gluten free or not. Any one caught drinking that terrible piss water will be judged harshly.

        Posted on Reply
      • BunnyBetch says:

        Contrary to what is believed by many, wheat is not to be avoided only by those who suffer Celiac disease, the autoimmune disease caused by a reaction of the immune system against gliadin, a gluten protein. Those with Celiac disease only react more strongly to wheat and gluten than those without the disease, but most people have a reaction in some way or another to wheat consumption, often in insidious ways.
        Gluten causes gut inflammation in at least 80% of the population and another 30% of the population develops antibodies against gluten proteins in the gut. Furthermore, 99% of the population has the genetic potential to develop antibodies against gluten. Antibodies acting in the gut can actually be good news, because when the body doesn’t react against gluten right away, gluten proteins can enter the blood stream more easily, especially if the gut is already leaky, and trigger immune reaction elsewhere in the body.
        The opioid peptides found in wheat are known to cause addiction to wheat in some people and withdrawal symptoms can happen upon the removal of wheat from the diet.
        They have also been associated with Schizophrenia as a possible cause or at least as a promoter of the disease. Furthermore, Schizophrenics often see their symptoms reduce by a lot when removing wheat from their diet.

        Do research.

        Posted on Reply
        • Yes. says:

          BunnyBetch, I was literally going to leave a comment just like this. Thank you for some people who are actually knowledgable. I definitely fall under the category of being gluten-free sometimes, and I haven’t been diagnosed with celiacs. However, after I don’t eat gluten for a couple weeks, I get really sick the next time I eat it. I think this happens to the majority of the population. Also, gluten causes spikes and lulls in your insulin production, which makes you really energetic and then crash really quickly. It also makes you hungry again when you crash. Even though I’m not SUPER serious about being gluten-free, I limit my intake greatly and I feel so awesome! Not to mention the additional betchy benefits outlined in this article wink

          Posted on Reply
  13. gf says:

    Corona is gluten free- just an FYI, made w corn

    Posted on Reply
  14. Your Name says:

    I was diagnosed with Celiac about a year ago, and I am utterly grateful to the non-Celiac yuppy health nuts of the world for making gluten-free so accessible and widely available.  Also, I must say, it is tough to complain about an allergy to everything on the menu but the filet mignon.  Medium-rare, s’il vous plait.

    Posted on Reply
  15. AJ says:

    This article is a complete travesty. You should take this down. Not only is your information incorrect (vodka is often not gluten free) but you are devaluing and encouraging skinny ‘betches’ to lie about a disease that is already really difficult to get across to the food industry. It is because of people like you and articles like this that I am served contaminated food and get sick. The restaurant industry can’t make the distinction between lying fad-dieters and people with actual medical needs and so they become complacent about offering gluten free environments for cooking. You don’t feel the difference when someone makes your gluten free pasta in a pot that previously had normal pasta, but we do! There are serious short term and long term medical repercussions for us. The celebrity diet circuit should be ashamed for taking a medical issue and using it for their personal gain. On a daily basis I struggle to gain support and understanding for the diet I am forced to maintain. It is not the same as being a casual vegetarian, it is not the same as buying organic food; gluten-free is not a political statement. I didn’t ask for celiac disease to be ‘trendy’ or ‘elite’ like Gwyneth Paltrow. We may not walk around with an actual ‘scarlet C’ but that is what it feels like sometimes and you should have a little more sensitivity and act more responsibility before you write articles like this.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Omg says:

    Omg ew. Every “betch” on here commenting about lactose, food, & science. Get the fuck out. I can not think of ANYTHING less bitchy than talking about lactose. Id rather eat a steak, be sober & fuck bros than ever hear that word again. Shut the fuck up losers.

    Posted on Reply
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