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By The Betches on

Since it's hot as fuck outside and we naturally need something to bitch about, we felt the time was right to share our love for the betchiest state possible: coldness. No, were not talking about a seriously icy disposition or like, never crying at funerals. The fact that the inside of my soul is colder than the emergency vodka in the back of my freezer is beside the point. Everyone knows that a betch will complain about being cold despite her current local or emotional climate.

being coldDwarf, bring me a Venti Soy Latte. I'm fucking freezing

Being cold reinforces the fact that we are skinny and probably have hunger chills… always cute. Seeing as our dinners consist of three blueberries and we have very little layer between flesh and bone, people should commend our will power for sustaining such a strict diet and let us fucking complain. Ugh, My clavicles are like effing icicles!

Even on the hottest days of summer, a betch will most likely be driving around with the top down in short shorts and a crop top but with the heated seats turned up all the way. It's totally possible that a betch is always cold due to the fact that she drinks her weight in iced coffee. Rich people publicize their body temperature not with words, but with the degrees Fahrenheit of the coffee they drink.

On the other hand, she may be cold because her outfits are almost exclusively slutty. Dad, raise the fucking heat, I would like to be at a comfortable body temperature in my winter ready tube top. 

being coldHow could one not wear fur in the summer?

You obviously don't consider other people’s comfort when raising the heat, nor do you take into consideration the breathing capabilities of the people around you. Do you know how much fatter these goosebumps make me!?

Not only is being cold a great excuse to bring the focus of the room back to yourself, but it's also an excuse for a girl to ask a guy to borrow a sweater (with no intention of returning it). Its not that were promoting kleptomania, but no matter how chilly, a respectable girl would never intentionally buy herself an XL sweatshirt. The frigid and fabulous would however buy a thin off-white leather jacket lined with baby lambskin with the express intent of wearing it from April to August. Does this fur go with my bathing suit?

Whether it's because we need an excuse to wrap ourselves in cashmere anything, our icy hearts send chills up our spines, or that we don’t eat enough, being cold is one of the key components of establishing yourself as a blue-blooded betch. Remember, sweating is for fatties, but a Betch is always cold.



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27 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. avalon says:

    you clearly have not been outside

    Posted on Reply
    • alex says:

      its boiling out

      Posted on Reply
      • lol says:

        you guys are idiots do you not get that this was a joke. derrrh

        Posted on Reply
  2. Elinor Malactivity says:

    This is really dumb. Come on, Betches. Step it the fuck up.

    Posted on Reply
  3. avalon says:

    so betchy

    Posted on Reply
  4. an orig says:

    Do you have any idea how many calories are in a venti soy latte? Like, a lot.

    Posted on Reply
  5. sarah says:

    why does my boyfriend not understand why i need emergency vodka in the back of the freezer?????

    Posted on Reply
  6. Ashley says:

    So on par

    Posted on Reply
  7. coldesbetch says:

    loved reading this post, couldn’t agree more!!! keep em coming betchesssss

    Posted on Reply
  8. sara says:

    why would u wear real fur anytime tho.

    Posted on Reply
    • fur is the best says:

      why wouldn’t you wear real fur? synthetic feels disgusting

      Posted on Reply
  9. betch loves iced coffee says:

    Do you have any idea that venti soy lattes on ice have less calories than hot venti soy lattes, and iced venti soy lattes have less cals than most of the other drinks on the starbucks menu? Not to mention they’re delish. One venti iced soy vanilla latte for me pah-lease!

    Posted on Reply
    • Iced Anything says:

      Any Skinny Betch knows iced drinks increase your metabolism and cause you to burn more calories. I like to drink mine beside large fireplaces (despite season) or in a rooftop hot tub.

      Posted on Reply
  10. always chilly says:

    although i don’t meet all aspects of being a betch, there is a never a day that goes by where i don’t get cold at some point…

    Posted on Reply
  11. skinny betch says:

    shivering burns calories. keep the air con on

    Posted on Reply
  12. em says:

    so true its 100 degrees in toronto and the only people complaining about the heat are the socially awkward and the overweight

    Posted on Reply
    • tth loser says:

      you sound like a prick, not betchy. learn the difference

      Posted on Reply
  13. brr says:

    i have my mini heater on at work (while not doing work) as we speak. did i mention it’s 91’ outside?

    Posted on Reply
  14. well says:

    Buuut if you’re cold because you’re skinny, you shouldn’t turn on the heat… because your body burns calories trying to regulate its temperature when it’s very cold or very hot

    Posted on Reply
  15. beznech says:

    this is stupid. not your best.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Lorelei says:

    Soy has as much fat in it as whole milk; you’re all stupid. Betches rule and I type this from under my blanket from the beach in Florida. Hugs.

    Posted on Reply
  17. youreallassholes says:

    some people sweat, you’re all so incredibly fucked up, eat something and maybe you wouldnt be so delusional

    Posted on Reply
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