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By The Betches on

Thanks to the strong emphasis on being thin as fuck in modern society, betches have their fair share of workout options. There’s Zumba for the old betches, spin for the psychotic edm whores, yoga for the lazy spiritual, and CrossFit for the same sex oriented. But when it comes to exercises that combine both the expensive elitism of Soul Cycle with the graceful elegant femininity of Center Stage, there’s only one place an already thin betch who wants to get toned heads to: barre classes.

 

Betches love barre classes because they’re hard as fuck so you actually worked out but you don’t actually sweat so you can stay like, really pretty. Sure the exercise movements are a combination of what looks like having sex and what strongly resembles giving birth, but that’s just the price you pay for a tight ass and arms that are as lean and graceful as Mila Kunis in her Black Swan days.

So where do betches head when they want to work out with celebrities but not sweat in front of Jake Gyllenhaal? Physique 57, where you can spot Chrissy Teigen and Reese Witherspoon while looking semi special while semi pole dancing on a ballet barre. The idea of barre classes is to get lean without getting bulky so you don’t have to worry about any hot straight guys checking you out in what can only be described as a more intensive lamaze experience.

So make sure you do a barre class if you want to show bros and betches alike that you’re toned, classy, and elegant as fuck. I mean any ballet inspired workout is obviously a fucking bitch. Why else do you think Natalie Portman was so angry as the Black Swan? She probs just left an advanced Physique class. Fucking duh. Every betch knows that the only thing worse than being a bad dancer is sweating like a man so when you’re not barred out you should always be barred out.

7 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. why says:

    you guys are literally so late on this

    Posted on Reply
  2. this was sad. says:

    “I mean any ballet inspired workout is obviously a fucking bitch”
    WHAT ARE YOU even saying.

    Posted on Reply
    • JABerina says:

      Have you ever met a dancer? In addition to being the biggest betches in the game (who else is crazy enough to stare at themselves in a mirror for hours on end while wearing little other than black spandex?), we work harder and longer than you could ever imagine to make possible the things that look effortless. To quote Agnes DeMille, “ballet technique is arbitrary and very difficult. It never becomes easy—it becomes possible. The effort involved in making a dancer’s body is so long and relentless, in many instances painful, the effort to maintain the technique so grueling that unless a certain satisfaction is derived from the disciplining and the punishing, the pace could not be maintained.” If anyone can understand pain and effort to make yourself beautiful and perfect, it should be a betch like you.

      Posted on Reply
  3. thinbetch says:

    pilates spx! more exclusive than soulcycle and waaaay better results. does in 45 minutes what classes need an hour for. slt in nyc <3

    Posted on Reply
  4. Your Name says:

    As much as I love this post ( worship bar), you betches have got to get your shit together!!!! Bar Method is for the TRUE betch.  Physique57 is soooo second class.  Come on that’s like comparing forever21 and Revolve Clothing…

    Posted on Reply
  5. jojoba says:

    Betches, pls. CARDIO BARRE til I die. That one betch Minnie Driver came out of the class before me last week. Pop Physique hurts like nothing a betch has ever felt before, and the instructors are straight betches (like mean ones). Bar method is way too expensive for any aspiring betch in LA. Cardio barre has awesome betches teaching, shit works, and they say nice things about loving your betch body.

    Posted on Reply
  6. BalletBeauty says:

    Natalie Portman trained with Ballet Beautiful (Mary Helen Bowers) for Black Swan, fucking duh. Get your facts straight. Check it out. they are awesome and have dvds and streaming videos and group classes as well as private classes. Also, its the workout that all the Victoria Secret Angels are doing.

    Posted on Reply
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