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By The Betches on

For betches, the dating world can be a scary place. Between creepy guys who seem normal at first to funny guys who are secretly poor, it's sometimes hard to spot the keepers from the unfaithful Wall Street pros on our journey to love and #36 not doing work. But even scarier than the prospect of contracting an STD from your date is the potential for the silent relationship killer's dreaded arrival: Awkward Texting Dynamic (ATD).

The bro with ATD might even be normal in person but after less than week of talking to him via the written word you realize he's a pretty shitty texter. This will inevitably become a dealbreaker as he's fucked up your chief form of communication. Honestly, in many cases I'd prefer a guy have a crooked dick than consistently use the wrong form of "you're" in conversation. Let's break down the ways that a guy can fuck up his prospects with you via his ATD.

You're both too sarcastic to make a real conversation work

In an attempt by both of you to show off how clever and insightful you are, you both are trying to one up each other with sarcastic comments ranging from the weather to the reasons why Riff Raff is really overrated. Eventually the need to consistently one-up each other leads to such an intense breakdown of the conversation that you eventually have no idea what the fuck this guy is talking about.

Him: Well I'd meet you at that bar but I'm pretty sure they won't let in people with as amazing a haircut as mine
You: Haha well you can try giving the bouncer one of your famous hugs
Him: But really, should we put all our eggs in one basket?

At this point, no one knows what the fuck is going on. Is this bro coming to meet you or not? Should you answer this weird text or hope he follows up clarifying what his actual plan is. Too much sarcasm spoils the broth.

 

You can't tell if he hates you or he's trying to be funny 

This happens when a guy responds so awkwardly to a seemingly easy enough text that you're not sure if he doesn't give a shit or if he's just making a bad joke.

You: Kk have a good night
Him: Haha 'good'

At this point you're thinking like what the fuck does THAT mean. Fucking asshole. This weirdness almost forces you to ask him to clarify which under normal circumstances you'd never actually do. Or you can obvi play the higher card and simply ignore.

 

One of you is sarcastic and the other one has no concept of sarcasm

You: Good thing I always wake up early on Sundays after drinking
Him: Haha really? Usually I sleep forever!

At this point you're not sure if you should just go with it or do the even more awkward thing and clarify what you're talking about. One things for sure, if he can't get your snarky mean spirited texts he'll never get you.

 

The drifter who floats in and out of consistently texting you

This guy has been up your ass about asking how your day is going and what you got your mom for mother's day for like 48 hours straight. Then suddenly, after asking you what your plans are for Blackout Wednesday he drops off the face of the fucking planet. You've just about written this guy off as dead to you when out of nowhere you get a "happy Friday!" text at noon two days later. Where the fuck have you been bro?

 

The Bad Speller

Him: "hey whatr u up 2 latr?"

Ugh, while some people can be desperate enough to write this one off as the guy being simply too cool to even give a shit that his spelling and grammar is as good as as a first semester ESL student, most betches will write this laziness off as a deal breaker. If you can't be bothered to write all the letters contained in the word 'later' there's no shot you're going to put any thought into my birthday gift.

 

The Overly Friendly / Maybe Gay Bro

You: How's your Saturday going? Still hungover?
Him: Nope! Just walking my dog around the park! He loves playing with the other puppies! So excited for brunch later!!!!! smile wink

This guy tells you about his upcoming Saturday dentist appointment with more enthusiasm than a make-a-wish kid at Disney World. His over-enthusiasm to see you is nothing short of uncomfortable. Chill the fuck out bro, I can guarantee your fucking dog taking a shit is not that exciting. If I wanted to hang out with an overeager twelve year old girl I'd go to a Justin Bieber concert.

 

The busy/potentially huge asshole bro

On the other end of the spectrum lies the bro who's too cool for school. On the one hand you're impressed that this bro has cooler things to do than try to see you at your earliest possible convenience but on the other hand you can't be sure if he's too fucking lazy to be worth your time. This is the guy that asks you to hang out with two hours notice and who makes his plans with you seem about as casual as brushing his teeth. Like, put some effort in if you want to see me, asshole. This is a date with ME you're planning, not lunch at the Cheesecake Factory; one more cancellation and you're fucking blacklisted.

So remember, texting is an art if a bro sucks at it, it will be a sign of huge frustrations for months to come. Hugh Hefner has fifteen girlfriends for a reason and that reason is probably is that he's too old to use a fucking iphone.

54 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. fucking perfect says:

    the last one could not be more spot on my life right now. honestly, men everywhere, suck less at texting.

    Posted on Reply
    • Realist says:

      No, I think it’s that they have way better things to do rather than waste time pleasing your need to speak without your mouth.

      Posted on Reply
  2. love it. says:

    “I’d prefer a guy have a crooked dick than consistently use the wrong form of “you’re” in conversation.”

    omg THANK YOU. hahah so, so accurate.

    Posted on Reply
    • Realist says:

      Unfortunately for you, womenists don’t really appreciate dick at all. So I guess -you’re- just stuck bitching about one the most unimportant topics known to man.

      Posted on Reply
    • Your Name Here says:

      Yeah, seriously. This article just pointed out the obvious. Like we didn’t already know?.. Yeah we did.

      Posted on Reply
    • j says:

      don’t think there is a way to deal with it

      Posted on Reply
    • Realist says:

      I have your solution…Comunicate with your mouth!

      Posted on Reply
      • Clarification says:

        Communicate with your voice. Mouth not always safe interpretation.

        Posted on Reply
  3. hahahahah says:

    “This guy tells you about his upcoming Saturday dentist appointment with more enthusiasm than a make-a-wish kid at Disney World”

    I died. Good job betches

    Posted on Reply
  4. K says:

    Forgot guys who use “lol” or winky faces in a non-sarcastic way

    Posted on Reply
    • yes says:

      LOL the random winky faces…WHAT DO THEY MEAN

      Posted on Reply
      • Found out from a guy! says:

        So I was talking to a guy and he kept sending winky faces. I finally asked what’s with the faces. “They make everything dirty” & “that’s how you know I’m flirting!”

        Posted on Reply
        • Stacey says:

          Oh…yes how flirty…lol come on!!

          Posted on Reply
    • Awkward says:

      YES, I agree. Winky faces are the absolute worst

      Posted on Reply
  5. poofart says:

    “You can’t tell if he hates *your* or he’s trying to be funny…” <- nice try on the “bros use the wrong variation of you’re” bit.

    Posted on Reply
    • yesssss says:

      I’m glad someone noticed that too. There were at least 3 or 4 errors that would have been caught with at least one proofread…

      Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      ok but that ‘your’ is clearly supposed to be ‘you’, so it’s a typo not a grammatical error…..

      Posted on Reply
  6. Chatty Kathy says:

    These are all so true. But what about awkward text timing? This happens when you’re really just not on the same text schedule at all - you’ll be in class and want to tell him about the funny thing you did on the way to school, what you and your friends did the night before or what you want him to do to you later that night, but he doesn’t answer because he’s busy at work. The second you’re actually doing work for once and you’re too busy to text, your phone gets blown up with his responses to your texts and some interesting shit he’s done that day. So not only are you not having a back to back conversation, you’re basically having 4 completely different conversations simultaneously, which can get confusing as fuck.

    Posted on Reply
    • ... says:

      ....wut

      Posted on Reply
    • lol says:

      You know, or you can just CALL them… it’s a phone afterall

      Posted on Reply
  7. love it says:

    fucking perfect. i’ve talked to every one of these guys.

    Posted on Reply
  8. sotrue says:

    i literally talked to number 1 and 4 for like a year and half. so true and so ANNOYING!

    Posted on Reply
  9. perf says:

    Now send this to men everywhere, not the fellow betches who have talked to every single one of these guys.

    Posted on Reply
  10. boredbetch says:

    A return to form if ever there were one! Bravo, Betches.

    Posted on Reply
  11. amanda says:

    it’s not so much ATD as it is he’s just not that into you unless he’s tragically stupid then why would you want him to be anyway

    Posted on Reply
  12. rachxand says:

    omggg the drifter is literally my life

    Posted on Reply
    • Mark Twain says:

      Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.

      Posted on Reply
  13. You Forgot says:

    You forgot the “Bro without an iphone”

    Mandy Bynes is more likely to win an Oscar for her recent [performances] real life than you are to respond to a green text message.  How is he supposed to understand you when all he sees are little black boxes in the place where emojis would be??  How are you supposed to come across as not-giving-a-fuck when he can’t even see that his text message has been delivered??  This bro probably keeps an extremely low/shady profile on all social media since going on Facebook on a blackberry is about as fun as watching your nails dry.  And since the advent of Snapchat, there is no betch on earth stupid enough to send real, permanent pics that can be saved and distributed. 

    People without iphones are like sororities without formals – it just doesn’t work.  There are only two reasons why a bro wouldn’t have an iphone – he is povo or he is a unibomber; either way, he is not worthy of your time.  No imessage, no fucking way am I talking to you.

    Posted on Reply
    • oh really says:

      Are you aware of how much of a pretentious, consumerist sheep you sound like right now?

      Posted on Reply
      • yes really says:

        says the loser without the iphone

        Posted on Reply
    • Meg says:

      LOVE THIS!! Brills, girl!!

      Posted on Reply
  14. lau says:

    so spot on, love this post, hate the reality

    Posted on Reply
  15. nice says:

    great post, good job to the betch who wrote this

    Posted on Reply
  16. Nope says:

    I liked the topic… just wished anyone else in the word had written the article. Awkward text > Texting with this ‘betch’.

    Posted on Reply
  17. duh says:

    dead fucking on.

    Posted on Reply
  18. SugarfreeHazelnut says:

    First off, is the girl in the first picture using an iPhone 3? Ew. And second, these are sooo spot on. The guy I’ve been hooking up with for a really long time now is all of these except the maybe gay bro. Such a loser.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Sophie B says:

    The fault of all this? WOMEN. We allow men to treat us that way because we reciprocate with their text convo’s.  I miss out on a lot of “quality” men because I tell them: Call, don’t text.  And most don’t call and move on.  But if he’s too imp/busy/too much of a loser to ask me out, then he’s not worth my time.

    But if more women acted this way, men would shape up.  They’re train-able puppies in the end. They behave like dogs but obey on command…if you know how to lead.

    Posted on Reply
    • HA says:

      You suck

      Posted on Reply
  20. anon says:

    My boyfriend was known throughout our group as just being a terrible texter to all of our male and female friends (probably categorized in the THE BUSY/POTENTIALLY HUGE ASSHOLE BRO section), but as soon as we started talking, he instantly shaped up. If a guy wants to talk to you, he will. A real man doesn’t need play games.

    Posted on Reply
  21. D says:

    This could not be more spot-on. One guy in particular will text me for 2 days straight and then not respond mid convo…then he’ll text me just to say hey like 3 days later as if nothing happened…what wait?

    Posted on Reply
  22. Catherine says:

    The “?” texts.

    That is when it’s time to call it quits.

    Posted on Reply
  23. JLee says:

    OMG, totally dealing with an awkward texter and everything you say rings true. I’m constantly like - wait, wtf? Plus he is old. Haha

    Posted on Reply
  24. Dude. says:

    I think it goes both ways, some girls are pretty bad at texting too. Eg. not replying till a day and a half later (too busy/cool to reply?); not getting jokes or sarcasm; short text answers, etc.
    just saying, it will take both people to have a good text conversation.

    Posted on Reply
    • Other Dude says:

      I see you. Half the girls I talk to can only seem 2 tlk lik thiss as if they’ve never attended a basic English class and that really just ruins everything. Couldn’t they just turn on autocorrect and have their fucking phone type out the words for them?

      Posted on Reply
  25. Ha! says:

    Let me guess, every female who commented on this article is sigle, never been married, and can’t figure out “whyyyyyyyy (tear)”? Ugh, this article is ONE reason. Maybe if you would unglue your makeup-caked face from your iPhone for 2 seconds, make eye contact, and hold a REAL conversation, you wouldn’t have to deal with ATD. Now I know that the idea of eye contact petrifies you (as there is no way to hide your shame and insecurities as a woman), but it has been done since the dawn of time and shouldn’t be so hastily discarded. While I agree it’s a turn-off when people don’t know how to spell or use proper grammar: IT’S A F’N TEXT MESSAGE- NOT A DISSERTATION! Seriously, what are you expecting? Shakespeare? The text message was never intended to be a substitute for person-to-person interaction or even a phone call. Keep it in perspective.

    As for the rest of the games you mentioned, women play them far more often, and maliciously, than men ever could. Truthfully, men just don’t care that much. Everyone knows women are the primary force behind, and perpetuators of, the texting phenomena- not men. Men would just as well not talk to women at all than be stuck in some surface-level “battle of wits” on a smartphone. It’s hard enough to HEAR how your day went; what makes you think we would want to READ about it?

    ANYWAY…funny article.

    latr.

    Posted on Reply
    • gogogodzilla says:

      “The text message was never intended to be a substitute for person-to-person interaction or even a phone call.”

      ding ding ding! instead of playing the texting game, men could always just grow a pair and, you know, CALL, or plan a date & put some actual time in with a woman.

      Posted on Reply
  26. You'rGonnaBeLonely says:

    This article is hilarious. Maybe stop being betches and be grown women. That’ll help you move forward and not revolve your life around text messaging and self pity. No wonder most betches in your situation find themselves in their mid to late 20s as single, with a minimum of 1 cat, alone on weekdays drinking wine with netflix, and going out getting wasted with girlfriends in similar situations on weekends. Sound about right? You’re inevitably going to end up as the cat lady + cellphone. Us men could care less. There are more women out there that are willing to grow up, have figured it out, and can make men happy while at the same time receive happiness from men. Enjoy single life.

    Posted on Reply
  27. betcheswanttheD says:

    or men just dont give a fuck about you cus you’re a bitch… it’s texting come on! Now make me a sammich

    Posted on Reply
  28. J says:

    I’ve come to the conclusion that real men just don’t text all the damn time. Texting is annoying and ambiguous, and many men who use it all the time are avoidant types who should not be in real relationships in the first place.  I am skeptical of men who text too much

    Posted on Reply
    • Truth says:

      You got it.

      Posted on Reply
  29. frankie says:

    not a single advice on how to deal with ATD. thanks !!!

    Posted on Reply
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