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By The Betches on

This week on Ask a Pro: Time for some tough love

Dear Head Pro,

I recently paid a visit to my high school boyfriend (who has become one of my best friends) at his school, which is only half an hour away from me, and spent the night. We started drinking and well... You can guess how it ended. We didn't have sex (I was on the monthly) but decided that next time I visited we should. He had been hooking up with some chick on his floor but she'd been blowing him off, so he decided that he was done with her before we hooked up.

During the last few weeks we've been talking, and he eventually admitted to me that he hooked up with her again. I told him we weren't gonna get it on if he's still with her, because I didn't want to get in between that. He said he'd talk to her the next week, but when I talked to him again he said they'd been hooking up a lot and he still didn't know what was going on. I told him that it wasn't gonna happen, and got mad at him for leading me on. He claims he thought it was a one-time thing and that he doesn't want to ruin what he has going with the girl at school. Even still, we both admitted we still have feelings for each other. I still want to get with him, but I don't want to be the back-up plan to this girl he wants to be with. What should I do?

Sincerely yours,

almost there or second best?

Dear Almost There or Second Best?,

Ok, let’s pump the brakes a little. First of all, cool it with the high school boyfriend shit. I don’t care if his campus is only 30 yards away from yours, you have a whole new student body to get to know and shouldn’t be wasting your time with someone you were dating when sex meant that both of you were technically committing statutory rape. And if you haven’t had sex yet and were planning on making him the lucky recipient of your v-card, you might as well just drop out of school and get a job at Wal-Mart because that’s what most college-age people who are still fucking with their high school flames are doing now anyway. It doesn’t seem like he’s had a problem moving on, so maybe follow his lead.

It sounds to me like you kind of drew up an agreement in your head that he wasn’t full privy to, and now you’re mad at him for not holding up his end of the bargain he doesn’t even know he’s part of. He wasn’t “leading you on”, per se, because it’s not like he was screwing her behind your back. In fact, he’s been kind of shockingly forthcoming with everything. This bro has a lot to learn about what my bros and I affectionately refer to as “effective ho-tation management”. Although maybe not, since he tells you everything yet you’re still trying to get with him. Maybe he knows something I don’t.

Look, you gave it a shot, stood up for yourself, and made your requirements clear. That’s all good work on your part, and just about all anyone can ask of you. Let him have his fun with the new chick, and set your sights on your own campus.

High School Kisses,

Head Pro


Head Pro,

So here is my problem. The first time I lost my virginity, as a junior in high school, I was raped. No, I wasn't not that dumb bitch who cried wolf for the sake of attention and to get an asshole in trouble, I was legitimately raped. In college, I met someone that I became really good friends with first and then started hooking up with. It became exclusive and I explained after he told me that he wanted something serious what had happened about over a year previous because I trusted him. I dated him for about a year, only to have it end in an epic fail of me finding out he cheated on me for half the amount of time we were together. Unbetchy and shitty indeed.

So, I decided to take care of myself. I went to the gym like 5 times a week, met a shitton of new people, got my grades up, ate/ have been eating healthy, etc. I've gotten a job that pays really well, I'm in the best shape of my life, I have great friends from my school, work, and back home who know how to have fun. So yes, it has been just gravy getting my shit together to say the least. But now that everything in my social and academic life is in order, why can't I convince myself it is OKAY to have some have some fun with guys? How like, not normal is that?

I have had a few guys say that they like me, both guy friends that I am super close with and others not so much. Either way, I have always been skeptical. It's been easy for me to rationalize in some way that they were just being drunk and trying to say something to get into my pants/ that talk is extremely fucking cheap/ bottom line in my mind, the guy is probably full of shit. Whether I'm sober or drunk, I convince myself not to hook up with someone. I know this isn't normal, but I want to be over my past, soooooo how do I kick out these blocks in my head? How can I just accept someone for who they are and have a good time with them? Also, am I an asshole on some level to guys?
You got giving advice on lock. Do what you do best and tell it like it is.

Thanks dude,

Too Independent?

Dear Too Independent?,

After reading this over several times, my response is this: Boo fucking hoo. Lest you think I’m just being an asshole, here’s why:

Item one, rape is obviously a horrible, scarring experience, and one that you’ll unfortunately carry with you for the rest of your life. I hope your rapist was caught and is rotting in jail. Somehow though, you’ve recovered enough to not only talk about it, but lead a somewhat normal life afterwards. That’s awesome, and I bet you could offer a lot of hope and inspiration to other girls who’ve experienced the same thing.

Item two, and this is what pisses me off, is that your horrible experience is otherwise unrelated to the rest of your email. You confided in a guy, put your trust in him, and he betrayed that trust. That’s a pretty classic story, and I’m not seeing how it relates to anything else. He dicked you over, and you decided to get your shit together, get your body in shape, and otherwise succeed in every facet of life you’ve put effort into. In fact, it sounds like you’re doing great! So what then is your problem exactly? Oh, right...

You don’t know “how to trust” guys, which, and I can’t stress this enough, has nothing to do with your experience in high school and everything to do with your boyfriend who dicked you over, which motivated you to transform yourself into an object of desire.”Like, OMG, I’m soooo popular with all these guys, but I’m also so good at not fucking them. How not normal is that? I just like want to be able to have fun with guys, but am I being an asshole to them by not giving them the privilege? Am I just too independent?”

Bottom line, you wrote me with a genuinely sad story and then composed the rest of the email looking for an ego stroke, which is ridiculous. If you want advice on how to “have fun” with guys, then all I can tell you is to do that. Get drunk. Screw someone you think you might like to screw. Let go a little, and let your mistakes educate you in the future. Your self esteem should come from what you’ve overcome and what you’ve been able to accomplish, not from an advice columnist telling you how totally awesome you are.

After all, that’s what I use these pages for.

Kisses,

Head Pro

15 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. woah says:

    that was a little harsh to girl #2…

    Posted on Reply
    • yeah says:

      I agree

      Posted on Reply
    • Love HP says:

      Disagree. Head Pro gives brilliant advice and is obviously adept at seeing through BS. If betches want our ego’s stroked, we have out #89 BBB’s.

      Posted on Reply
      • um says:

        getting raped is not BS

        Posted on Reply
    • haha says:

      i fucking loved it. my biggest pet peeve is when girls fish for compliments. drives me nucking futs.

      Posted on Reply
    • I meannn says:

      maybe she shouldn’t have written to a satirical asshole pro to chat about her rape issues…like there are definitely other people to talk to about that like a therapist, rape hotline, psychologist, literally so many other options.

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      • well yeah duh says:

        he gave awesome advice. girl was annoying as hell and fishing for compliments. like what she wanted him to say was “wow you sound like the most perfect girl ever, you’re really deep and have this seriously tragic history but you’ve come back from it and become this amazing person will you please date ME?” please. she’s doing fine, glad she’s recovered and all, but she doesn’t even have a problem to be asking him about.

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    • yeah..... says:

      way too harsh. girl got raped, who fucking cares if she’s looking for an ego boost?

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      • but... says:

        but sorry…anyone who is actually looking for advice after being raped should probably not be emailing the head pro.  The advice head pro gives is for girls who need boy help, sometimes getting great advice, sometimes just serving as entertainment for his readers.  If you are a rape victim who is truly struggling and seeking real advice, this is definitely not the place to go, as someone said above me, some sort of doctor would probably be the best option.  Any reasonable person knows that, and any girl who would write here for rape help is clearly looking for attention and/or compliments.  And if by some chance this girl actually doesn’t have the resources to see a doctor and finding help online is her only option,head pro is still very low on the list of places she should have gone.  So no, not too harsh.  Good advice head pro.

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    • Ronnie says:

      What, if a girl doesn’t fuck bros than she’s bragging?  This girl has deep seated trust issuses and needs counseling.

      Posted on Reply
  2. not sure says:

    was that the only guy she’s fucked since she was raped? cause i feel like sex is “emotional” for her, she got her virginity taken from her, and then the first guy she trusted screwed her over (no pun intended). so is it a combination that she can’t trust guys and she has a traumatizing sexual past?

    all i can really say is detach yourself from your emotions and learn how to have fun and fuck.

    Posted on Reply
    • In Shock says:

      You are an absolutely vile person for giving such immature advice. I’m sure you will have a very unhappy future. Sorry, no sorry.

      Posted on Reply
  3. Alli says:

    As someone who went through a frighteningly similar experience, I’d like to acknowledge a couple of things:

    The person who is giving you this “learn to let your hair down and stop being such a whiny bitch” advice is a bro. Not only is it his job to be an insensitive ass here to give the “male perspective” but, he is a BRO and will never be able to relate to your experience. I don’t mean that males are unable to relate to rape, but this BRO in this case is incapable; there are plenty of male therapists out there who are better suited to help you than this guy is. And while we’re on the subject of therapy, I suggest a session, pronto. Find out what providers take your insurance and get your [toned - yay] ass on that sofa. Every neurotic betch needs a therapist anyway, why not join the ranks?

    Bottom line, you are still carrying around negative emotions from being rape and your ex-boyfriend’s indiscretions. There is no expiration date on when you’ll “get over it” and any woman who has gone through such a trauma will probably agree. When someone took away your CHOICE of sex and someone you trust proved to be less than - you lost your control. It only makes sense now that you are trying to regain it. I promise that “detaching yourself from your emotions” and learning “how to have fun and fuck” (^^ are you shitting me?) will not heal your wounds.

    You’ve taken such great care of yourself physically and career wise, please do the right thing for yourself and get emotional help, too.

    She wants an ego stroke? Really? Pro, you’ve been jaded by the all the biddies of yore. If you really think you’re qualified to dole out pearls of wisdom to a rape victim then you’re the one with the overblown ego. Stick to the vapid girls with shallow questions you’re so good at being snarky to.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Katarina says:

    ^ Finally someone with a brain! Thank you Alli!

    Posted on Reply
  5. jaded says:

    good comment @ alli
    some of you girls really sicken me, comments like “let loose and fuck”. thats disgusting

    Posted on Reply
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