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By The Betches on

Hi,

I realize there's a good chance you will not be getting around to this email, but I decided to give it a shot because I can't talk to any of my friends about this.

It's a long story so I'll make it as short as possible. I dated this guy all of my freshman year of college and I was absolutely in love with him. we talked for hours about things I would never talk to anyone about and just connected on a different level. We started fighting a lot by the end of the year and broke up, but still kept in touch..and by that I mean talking every single day. He was being extremely annoying and iffy about getting back together and I was just over it by the time we got back to school, so I started hooking up with another guy as a distraction. Things got more serious than planned, and now almost a year later I'm still with this other guy....

Anyway, throughout the beginning of this new relationship, my ex was drunk texting me asking me what was going on until we just got into a huge fight where he said we'd never go back to normal and I just fucking gave up. I took it as he just didn't care anymore and I forgot about it. It's going to sound pathetic that I haven't moved on yet, but I'm realizing that the longer I am with this new guy the more I miss my ex. He was my best friend, I can't talk to my current guy for hours upon hours or even about bullshit that goes on with my family, and I just don't feel the same.

So I guess what I'm asking you is this: Am I completely delusional and my ex's drunk texts and end of our friendship is just protocol? Or was he really truly upset? And am I being fair to the guy I'm with right now if I'm still sort of in love with someone else?

Sincerely,

Come up with a fake name for me, I don't care.

Dear Lazy,

I honestly can’t say whether or not your ex is truly hurt and over it or just being a pouty little bitch, because I haven’t seen those messages and don’t know him. I will say though that as a guy, if a girl I’m not fucking is causing drama in my life, she’d better be either my mother, sister, or boss if she expects me to continue with the relationship. Maintaining a friendship with an ex is tough, because really if you liked each other enough to be friends you probably wouldn’t have broken up in the first place. It’s easy to stay acquaintances or the kind of people who have the occasional stop and chat, but if you’re trying to maintain a close friendship with someone whose orifices you’ve explored you’re kidding yourself. People break up for a reason, so when they try to stay close post-split, it’s because they don’t want to be forgotten or replaced.

What’s more interesting to me are your issues with your new bro. Before you beat yourself up for emotionally cheating or consider trying to drag the ex back into it, is it possible the problem with with the new guy and not you? It seems like it’s kind of a relationship of convenience rather than desire, and if you’re not connecting with him it’s entirely possible that he’s the one who sucks, not you. A boring new relationship will make anyone miss their ex, even if they know better. Look at it like this: If you needed a new car because your old one was shitty and then your new one wasn’t what you really wanted, you might miss your old one even though you got rid of it for a reason. Would you go out and buy the same car again even though you’re aware of the problems? Maybe, if you’re an idiot, but more than likely you’d just keep looking for the right one.

Maybe the car analogy isn’t a good one, I don’t know. Either way, stop fooling around with your ex, because it sounds like all you’re doing now is stressing each other out. In the meantime, don’t be afraid to get out of the relationship if this current bro isn’t doing it for you. Not having a boyfriend isn’t the end of the fucking world.

Kisses,

Head Pro


 

Dear Head Pro, 

My male best friend of 3 years has turned into my more then casual hook up recently this summer.(obvs playing it better than two aces in a game a' poker) But even more then recently it has turned into one on one hang outs without hooking up, taking me to dinner, going out and home with each other every weekend and some uncomfortable PDA action in front of the whole friend group. A little non- sticky situation occurred one hungover sunday morning that I've never experienced and now here I am over my wits thinking and trying to figure this odd one out.

Started off with black-out, rage, black-out, rage, then some more black-out . At the end of the night me and the "friend" came back to my house but straight passed out and did not hook up. We spent the morning hung over as fook paralyzed in my bed as he casually kept mentioning how awesome it would be if i gave him head. I was more then willing to as soon as we we had the chance to be alone, thinking it was clearly going to lead into something more. When I started to give him head, my boredom kicked in and realized it has been well over 3 mins... okay let’s spice it up a bit? Nope... what i thought was foreplay was ALL and the ONLY play. When I stopped, he then cheerfully started talking about how he couldn't finish by getting just head, and then on to say what he wanted to make me for breakfast? (FML vodka? Thanks.)

Why is this guy so chill about not finishing and why the fuck weren't we having sex at this point? He noticed that I was confused and proceeded to tell me he was not going to have sex with me because he was simply too hungover . Like is that shit even real? Overall, I'm confused by our whole relationship and by what happened here. Was he actually too hung over? Or is there other obvious reasonings that i am missing here? Also in regards to the fact that we haven't mentioned where this was going, do you think he is just going with the flow with things and being open to what will happen or just straight no feelings attached?

- Friends with benefits whore

Dear Friends with Benefits Whore,

Ahhhh so many things in one email. I’m going to address them as I see them:

- Don’t call yourself any kind of “whore”. Plenty of guys will do that for you (like me, for instance), and it does a disservice to the good ladies of the evening who actually charge money for sex. Have a little pride.
- Spaces come after punctuation, not before. I fixed it, so I get to bitch about it.
- “Playing it better than two aces in a game of poker” is actually a good analogy, because for a girl, convincing a male friend to fuck you is about as easy as winning a hand of poker when you’ve been dealt pocket rockets. Not vibrators. I’m talking about a pair of aces. I don’t see how bringing vibrators to a poker game would help at all.

As for the meat of your question, the male libido is a fickle thing when hungover. It’s pretty normal to wake up with an even stronger than normal boner only to have it quelled by headache, nausea, and the like. Also, it’s entirely possible for the alcohol remaining in his system to prevent climax. I think it’s hard for girls to comprehend how much booze can desensitize us, but trust me it happens. Some guys have trouble orgasming from just head whether they’re drunk or not. I feel sorry for them, but I know they exist. And are you really telling me you’ve never been too hungover for sex? It might be a nice idea, but sometimes even to me the thought of all that jostling and vigorous activity when I can feel my brain shrinking away from the inside of my skull is just plain awful. A little knob job probably sounded pretty good to him, but when he realized the magic wasn’t going to happen I don’t blame him for just cutting his losses and going about his business.

So no, this is not related to or any indicator of the status of your relationship. Dude was just too hungover to fuck/too drunk from the night before to climax. It happens to the best of us. Your relationship is an entirely separate issue for you to sort out between the two of you.

Look at it this way: in exchange for you not talking for three minutes you got yourself a no-hassle breakfast out of it. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Dry, hungover kisses,

Head Pro

5 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Hillbillies Not Welcome says:

    Ugh, second girl, I can not fucking stress enough the difference between THEN and THAN. You’re dumb and you should feel dumb. Also, “fook”? What the hell? The grammatical errors plus the poker reference has me convinced you’re a hillbilly.

    Posted on Reply
    • Head Pro says:

      It was a lot worse before I got a hold of it. I’m not paid enough (read: not at all) to go through and pick through every error.

      Posted on Reply
    • R says:

      hahahaha perf

      Posted on Reply
    • P.L. says:

      Grammar and spelling is a total deal breaker. Honestly, it’s not that hard people! Clearly somebody needs to mass distribute School House Rock to put an end to this massacre because apparently the concepts didn’t stick the first time around. Perhaps song and dance is the only cure for this particular disease…much like cowbell is the only cure for fever. I do manage to maintain composure on the outside when being subjected to such things, but internally I cringe. Let’s be real, I want to be the grammar nazi as much as anybody wants to have their grammar corrected. Nevertheless, every time I read the words “your pretty” I die a little bit inside…

      Posted on Reply
  2. Lolbetch says:

    I dont see how bring vibrators to a poker game would help at all….dying.

    Posted on Reply
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