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By The Betches on

It goes without saying that a betch is very aware of her own beauty and hotness. We know that it’s never okay to stray from our #5 diets, and that even if your boyfriend gets fat, that’s never okay for you. Looking hot on top of having an amazing personality is what defines you.

However, we realize that in this world, there is somewhat of a double standard at work. Ever been perplexed by that bro from high school who had a string of gorgeous girlfriends even though he vaguely resembled Hagrid from Harry Potter? Or that guy who has fucked almost every girl you know despite that fact that his greasy dark hair makes him look like Tim Burton? This is because this bro possesses something, one of the most unspoken qualities that betches love. He is Ugly Hot.


Russell BrandYum.


It’s very apparent that an Ugly Hot guy is not classically good looking. In fact, many people on the street might look at you and wonder why you’re with that guy who’s clearly well below your attractiveness level. However, he still has that certain redeeming quality. Most often he’s hysterical, insanely cool, thinks he’s hot shit (and he actually is), and generally just oozes bro-yness. Suddenly it becomes easier to ignore his crooked nose, weak chin, chubby body, etc. because you’re mesmerized by his Ugly Hot vibe.

Since we’re making an exception for ugly people, let’s be clear. Ugly Hot is not your ex-boyfriend’s 250-pound dad who’s delusional enough to think that his 22-year old model girlfriend wants him for anything other than his money. Ugly Hot is not about appearance, it has to do with the attitude with which a guy carries himself and, most importantly, his game. Why am I so attracted to this bro whose facial hair is merging with his chest hair? Definite sign of Ugly Hot.

Ugly Hot is Jamie Lynn Siegler dating Turtle from Entourage. (Sorry, we don't know his real name because even though he's improved, he still slightly below our Ugly Hot threshold. Awkward.) Ugly Hot is Russell Brand dating Katy Perry. Is it because he’s the hottest Katy Perry can get? Obvs not, the girl’s a betch and can get anyone. But we doubt there are many girls out there who wouldn’t love to chill with the guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall who sings “Inside of You” while humping the ground. We’d find anything hysterical in that accent.

Maybe it’s his bad ass attitude, maybe it’s his funny nature, maybe it’s that you just don’t get why he wouldn’t return a phone call from someone as hot as you. Whatever the reason, Ugly Hot can be SOOOO hot.

Sadly, we’re pretty sure this doesn’t work the other way around. For girls, no matter how funny or smart you are, a bro probably won’t even talk to you long enough to unearth these qualities. So betches, if you’re lucky enough to snag yourself an Ugly Hot gem, hold onto him because it’s much better than a guy with a six-pack who makes you feel suicidal every time he speaks. After all, even Marilyn Manson managed to be engaged to Evan Rachel Wood for a little while.



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13 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    Your double standard doesn’t hold up. I know tons of ugly women who score hot men. Sometimes it’s their disarming wit, but most usually it’s because they’re manipulative assholes. I’m sure Freud would have something to say about the need of some males to get kicked around by an old nasty hag. Regardless, the phenomenon still exists.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    sooo true. General rule of thumb is you’re only as cool as your girlfriend is hot! Same for totally hot guys with disgusting girlfriends. Spend about 30 seconds with him and you’ll know why he hasn’t upgraded to a betch

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  3. betchpleaz says:

    Actually men go out wtih ugly betches because it makes them feel more secure about themselves. That’s why its always so shocking when we find men married to attractive women who then cheat on them with an ugly betch. I mean just look at Sandra Bullock’s former husband. (no one even knows his name. people only know him as that “tatted guy from that motorcycle show on TLC.”) are you telling me Sandra was below his attractiveness level? let’s be real. the real reason was that he felt extremely insecure banging a betch that looked better than him, made more than him, and could have any pick of the litter of men out there. So what’s the natural thing to do. Bang an ugly betch. Has anyone seen that betch he was nailing on the side. definitely ugly betch. done and done.

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  4. Nicole N says:

    Mickey Rourke and Ray Liotta are classic examples. These are the kinda guys evrey girl wants to bang but has to hide from all her besties, avoiding ridicule

    Posted on Reply
  5. Jess says:

    I don’t even think Turtle is ugly hot. I think he’s just plain hot.

    Posted on Reply
  6. M says:

    True, ugly hot men ARE absolute gems and a betch should be so lucky to snag one…. but regrettably, it’s damn near impossible to score an O when you’re not physically attracted to the dude.  No O, no go.

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  7. V says:

    you betches can see into my soul. but whats the protocol when ugly hot is SAB too?? its a drug

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  8. Grace says:

    What’s your opinion on reproducing with an ugly hot?  As much as I can convince myself that one of their kind has handsome features and a symmetrical face (maybe even a fuscular hot-ish bod), the truth is I’m not looking to have children who are 1/4 ugly…

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  9. z.a. way says:

    This AND the comments is like wow…Women are interesting creatures. Especially “Hold up”. I have a feeling she’s a troll but I can’t choose between figurative/literal. 1/4 ugly? How dare you. Ugly on the inside is what you are, and in your case, if it’s no more than a quarter I’m sure it all resides inside your vag. Any children you have will be lucky to escape the plague of your personality on the way out. Nothing could nurture your nature, it’s genetic I’m sure and will pass on to your offspring no matter who you manage to seduce into a marriage. Blehck your soul is a massive turn off.

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  10. J says:

    I was thinking the same thing. It’s a deadly combo.

    Posted on Reply
  11. bob says:

    skrillex and ellie goulding

    Posted on Reply
  12. Dria says:

    Peter Dinlage. Is that weird?

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