Betches have a very limited choice of shows to like when it comes to TV that’s not reality. It gets hard to entertain ourselves in the off seasons of Jersey Shore, Keeping up With the Kardashians, and The Bachelor when we can’t watch strangers embarrass themselves for our own amusement. There are times when the shows we watch should be high quality and entertaining in like, a sophisticated way. With that we give you one of the betchiest networks on television, HBO. HBO is our reason for not fucking hating Sunday nights. And tonight's the moment we’ve all been waiting for, it’s the season premiere of True Blood.
True Blood isn't just a show, it's a ritual, it's a cult. It's soooo good. Sundays are no longer about #36 not doing work and dreading your Monday morning internship. They're about smoking pot with your besties and checking out the masterpieces that HBO has to offer.
So what’s so great about True Blood that makes betches everywhere devote an entire hour of their precious time every week? God, where do we fucking begin. Sex: Something about the idea of having hot, steamy sex with someone while making sure blood doesn’t get on your new white jeans is pretty sexy. Talk about make-up sex with a guy who’s such an asshole to you that he wants to drain your fucking blood. Now that’s hot. Vampires: Okay, so vampires are like totally pasty. Everyone has their flaws. But other than that they’re insanely betchy. They are extremely #24 insensitive, totally hot, and kind of cruel but in an edgy way. They practically scream betch. Plus they can glamour aka manipulate people into doing whatever the fuck they want. It’s like the only thing betches don’t have.
Drama: Sookie Stackhouse is one lucky betch. She wouldn’t dream of being with fucking nice guy Sam, who repulses her. All the drama and angst surrounding this bitch’s sex life makes it impossible to look away. By their nature, shit's always complicated with a vampire and we can’t help but love the winning strategies we witness in every episode. Betches are quick and assertive, and so is everything in this fucking show.
So betches, stay tuned tonight and witness one of the best shows ever made. Just when you thought fairies, werewolves, and mythology were for Lord of the Rings freaks, True Blood turns all that shit on its head. It’s okay if you sympathized with pot-smoking stoner betch maenad Maryann, just try not to eat a human heart. That might slightly cross over the line of betchiness. True Betches love True Blood.