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By The Betches on

Whoever said nobody's perfect clearly never met a betch. However, going around telling the world what is obvious to everyone might make some extremely jealous of you, think you're a huge narcissistic bitch, or want to sabotage your amazing existence. For this reason, every betch has a token body part that they can plug into conversation when the need presents itself.

If a lot of girls were really honest, what they'd say is, "I hate my face." But no one ever says that. Ugly people always suffer from the delusion that they're at least decent looking.

mean girls

So, to at least seem somewhat ordinary, betches will usually come up with some body part that they hate. Usually it's to make a nice girl feel better when she says something unbetchy like, "I hate my body." (See we're super benevolent!) Body is way too broad. With this, a betch might follow with something along the lines of, "Omg I know, my ankles look soo fat after flying on a plane. You know, like to Europe. It's sooo embarrassing."

Also, you might want to say something you hate that's easily fixable. Like, "I hate my eyebrows" or "I hate my hair when I get out of the shower." But you love your eyebrows when they are plucked, which is always, so you actually love everything about yourself 99% of the time. And you like your hair five minutes after you get out of the shower. So you're really perfect at all times aside from those five minutes.

 

fatal attractionSorry Paris, your feet ARE actually fucking huge

 

Insulting a nonexistent ugly part of ourselves makes us seem down to earth and humorously self deprecating. Even though we as well as our besties know these aren't real issues, this helps diffuse the awkward tension when someone who's clearly uglier or fatter than you is bitching about themselves.

Now, if you still can't find anything wrong with you, which is a hardship that many of us face, there is an alternative. When having to listen to your friend whine about how her love handles just won't disappear, all you have to say is "SOML." Telling someone it's the story of your life allows you to appear sympathetic, but in reality you haven't heard one fucking thing she just said and can continue thinking about how amazing it is to be you.

 

 

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27 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    Agree with above post. New betchy content please.

    Posted on Reply
  2. marina says:

    then dont read it!

    Posted on Reply
  3. brian kehoe says:

    Dear Betches,

    You turn me on <3

    You girls express what guys like me want to, but can’t without sounding gay. Thank you for making me feel not alone, in my hatred towards fat girls who eat anything but celery sticks.

    Word,
    BPK
    @KehoeFromReno

    Posted on Reply
  4. Jen-Jen says:

    that needs fixing are my boobs. Being skinny costs you them. But getting implants on a teeny body will make you look like a cheap whore. Decisions, decisions….

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    hahahaaha brian kehoe WOULD say that

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    My nail beds suck!!!

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    these posts are getting lame.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Ken Adams says:

    Um… How is this a decision? Get the fucking implants. When you want to feel like a cheap whore, go right ahead. When you want to feel like a classy whore, where a fucking cardigan. Duh.

    Posted on Reply
  9. aniluap says:

    don’t get them. stay classy. we’re betches, not whores.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Elizabetch says:

    i can always tell when one of the main betches is #notdoingwork and makes an intern or like their grandma write a post for them. exhibit a: this post. ugh not funny at all and like completely unintelligible. sucks to suck. get back to writing, betches! xx

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    if you thought it was boring you’re probably fucking ugly

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    you TWEAZE your eyebrows,  you PLUCK…like a chicken.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Katie says:

    Can we do a post on J Crew or something instead?!

    Posted on Reply
  14. ultimatebetch says:

    Not your best, betches. What I do think we need is a post on so-rawr-ities. Ultimate betchiness is having a big group of girls paying to be your friend.

    Posted on Reply
  15. smart betch says:

    betch, get it right. it’s tweeze. try not to correct other betches without knowing your shit wink

    Posted on Reply
  16. Natasha says:

    If they truly bother you then you can always get small ones and still look natural and well proportioned, but remember, if you go even A LITTLE too big, boys will be able to tell and you’ll end up only being able to date slimy nightclub promoters, or David Boreanaz.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    This is soo accurate. I think you guys should seriously do a halloween post next

    Posted on Reply
  18. grad betch says:

    i’ll never forget this awkward moment from the girls bathroom..
    non betch: “omg i hate my fucking thunder thighs” (examining her field hockey legs in the bathroom mirror)

    betch: “omg i hate how my hands feel sticky when they’re dirty” (washing hands and not making eye contact w thunder-thighs)

    Posted on Reply
  19. Queen Betch says:

    If you were a real betch, you wouldn’t be a fucking idiot. “Where” refers to a place, whereas “wear” refers to something you carry on your body or about your person. Go back to the public grade school you clearly went to.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    you TWEEZE eyebrows with TWEEZERS, but real betches get them waxed… we pay other people to fix our problems

    Posted on Reply
  21. PlearaSiP says:

    hello, what’s new, what’s up?
    <a >vicodin online</a>

    Posted on Reply
  22. princessbetch* says:

    I love this post. <3 my not so skinny friends constantly bitch at me about how i don’t even work out and stay in shape anyway. I eat whatever the fuck I want and i still only weigh 106. Hahaha
    #fuckingawesome

    Posted on Reply
  23. Betch says:

    I really wanna lose 3lbs

    Posted on Reply
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