Tonight millions of betches will be tuning in to ABC when
playfully cute annoying as shit Ashley Hebert will be choosing her fiancé. Will it be Ben F., the rich wine maker pro from Sonoma? Or JP, the cute “construction manager” boy from Long Island? The most epic battle of WASP vs. Jew second to Pharaoh Ramses II and Moses.
Even though Ben’s like really rich, makes a living making wine, and probably loves to go shopping (for boat shoes), our money’s on JP. He just looks like he’s fucking phenomenal in bed. The minute Ashley said he was an amazing kisser, we knew where this was going. Honestly, the Bachelorette can be replaced with a 5 episode mini series featuring Ashley testing the waters on each bachelor’s kissing abilities and we bet she’ll make the same decision. But this isn’t Spring Break, so we’re forced to watch 2 hour episodes of her gallivanting around Thailand making love lanterns.
Like, thank god for DVR and Megavideo. Next to the incessant conversations about which contestant is there for the “wrong reasons,” there is nothing more annoying than having to sit through previews of what you’re about to watch…every 15 minutes.
Let’s talk about the series.
Yes we can #1 talk shit about the bachelorettes all day, but we fucking love this show. It is easily the True Blood of reality TV. Sex, fighting, hot guys who never wear shirts, and “love.” A true masterpiece.
Bachelor vs. Bachelorette:
While betches will watch both, we're clearly partial to the Bachelorette for obvious reasons. Twenty insecure girls bitching about each other makes the Bachelor become annoying very quickly. Meanwhile, twenty hot guys occasionally throwing a punch does not. Plus, only on the Bachelorette do we get to meet the gemliest of gems like the infamous SAB, Bentley.
Bentley’s parents must have been huge alcoholic tools because who the fuck names their kid after a flashy car? Hey have you met my daughter Maserati and my son Bugatti, they’re really the sweetest kids. But really, the shit he pulled was fucking hysterical. Telling all of America that there is nothing more nauseating than holding a girl while she’s crying, but at least his hair looked good while he did it? Gold. Generally, his dick moves would have been attractive if he wasn’t using his daughter as an excuse to leave. Clearly some deeply rooted family issues there. Like we said, his parents must have been assholes.
Oh and we definitely love those fucking absurd dates that they have to go on. “I fell in love with him at the orphanage date, there’s nothing like parentless children that makes me want to have sex with this man.”
We also love the unique non-scripted lines of each episode. "This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make," for example.
All in all, Betches love this Bachelor(ette) and we’re definitely excited for Bach Pad 2. However we are not looking forward to watch stupid Vienna and Jake drama. Obviously that relationship didn’t work out, Vienna is a poor hick from Florida, like fucking Adam Sandler in The Waterboy, while Jake is SO clearly gay. Did anyone else catch that? We thought we were taking crazy pills, Jake was a hop, skip and a bend-over away from soliciting sex from Chris Harrison.
So, get your wine and froyo ready for tonight’s finale, because even though it's shark week, a true betch would prefer to watch figurative over literal man-eating, any day.