With #26 Spring Break upon us, betches all over the world are taking a break from drinking their vodka sodas to support a business from south of the border. No we don't mean tourism or drug dealers or that Mexican equivalent to Chili's. We're talking about the ultimate frenemy of alcoholic beverages, tequila.
Betches tend to have a love-hate relationship with tequila, often dating back to the time they vommed after drinking it at a high school party on Cinco de Mayo. We love that it gets us so fucked up but we also like, hate that it gets us so fucked up, you know? And even though there’s like no info about it on Wikipedia, someone once told us that tequila is the only alcohol that’s a stimulant instead of a depressant, but it may have just been our coke dealer trying to console us when he was out of town.
You may ask yourself why we would ever forgo Svedka to drink something that resembles our own urine, but the truth is that tequila is unique in that it’s the only non-vodka alcohol that is socially acceptable to order. Like, announcing you're running out to pick up a bottle of Jim Beam is the same as letting everyone know that you're going over to Townie X's
apartment crack house to get a lesson on the cheapest way to make basement-meth.
Honestly, we’re not totally sure what makes a certain night a ‘tequila night’ but we’re pretty sure it's just like saying we're getting extremely fucked up, like, more than usual. Like the kind of fucked up where you end up having sex in the middle of the squash court of a frat house and then selling your gold watch to Noodles, the token homeless bottle collector, on your walk home. That or the fact that the 15 shots you downed last night have led to an “I’m like, never drinking vodka again!” bullshit proclamation.
Like everything else we ingest, tequila can and should be a status symbol but it really comes down to three levels of quality. You know you’re with a pro when he’s ordering the top-shelf Patron, but when you're 17 and just REALLY wanna rage, Jose Cuervo is your man. And then there's the fucking Mexican swill that you'll drink all of Spring Break but only because you don’t even know what day of the week it is let alone care about which brand of toxic crap Jason is drinking out of your bellybutton on top of a bar. Oh, and of course there's Avion if you’re partying with Vincent Chase or getting a huge endorsement deal to pretend like anyone still drinks that after summer 2010.
And if you're really that sophisticated betch, you'll claim that Patron XO Cafe is like, the best shit ever, literally. But we admit, it's really amazing how the tequila companies have convinced us all that piss colored drinks aren't chic enough, and instead the more elegant beverage is one that resembles baby diarrhea, yum!! Whatevs, it's like iced coffee that gets you drunk, and I'll vom that shit out anyway.
Of course, there’s something about taking tequila shots that brings betches together. Sure you and your bestie could be having an epic fight over why Taylor Swift does or does not suck (and she does) but after a few tequila shots it's like, wow, a shortage of tequila is def why there’s no peace in the Middle East. Turns out licking salt off your hand and biting into a piece of lime just has a way of bringing even the most contentious betches together.
So betches, stay away from margaritas unless you haven’t eaten anything all day because those calories will fuck you up, and not in the way you want. Shots are always encouraged, even if means you'll be vomming pure blue agave the entire next day. Have an epic spring break and remember, they don’t call it Tequila Sunrise so you could go to sleep when it’s fucking dark out.