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By The Betches on

With #26 Spring Break upon us, betches all over the world are taking a break from drinking their vodka sodas to support a business from south of the border. No we don't mean tourism or drug dealers or that Mexican equivalent to Chili's. We're talking about the ultimate frenemy of alcoholic beverages, tequila.

Betches tend to have a love-hate relationship with tequila, often dating back to the time they vommed after drinking it at a high school party on Cinco de Mayo. We love that it gets us so fucked up but we also like, hate that it gets us so fucked up, you know? And even though there’s like no info about it on Wikipedia, someone once told us that tequila is the only alcohol that’s a stimulant instead of a depressant, but it may have just been our coke dealer trying to console us when he was out of town.

tequila faceThere's nothing sexier than The Tequila Face


You may ask yourself why we would ever forgo Svedka to drink something that resembles our own urine, but the truth is that tequila is unique in that it’s the only non-vodka alcohol that is socially acceptable to order. Like, announcing you're running out to pick up a bottle of Jim Beam is the same as letting everyone know that you're going over to Townie X's apartment crack house to get a lesson on the cheapest way to make basement-meth.

Honestly, we’re not totally sure what makes a certain night a ‘tequila night’ but we’re pretty sure it's just like saying we're getting extremely fucked up, like, more than usual. Like the kind of fucked up where you end up having sex in the middle of the squash court of a frat house and then selling your gold watch to Noodles, the token homeless bottle collector, on your walk home. That or the fact that the 15 shots you downed last night have led to an “I’m like, never drinking vodka again!” bullshit proclamation.

Like everything else we ingest, tequila can and should be a status symbol but it really comes down to three levels of quality. You know you’re with a pro when he’s ordering the top-shelf Patron, but when you're 17 and just REALLY wanna rage, Jose Cuervo is your man. And then there's the fucking Mexican swill that you'll drink all of Spring Break but only because you don’t even know what day of the week it is let alone care about which brand of toxic crap Jason is drinking out of your bellybutton on top of a bar. Oh, and of course there's Avion if you’re partying with Vincent Chase or getting a huge endorsement deal to pretend like anyone still drinks that after summer 2010.

tequila face

And if you're really that sophisticated betch, you'll claim that Patron XO Cafe is like, the best shit ever, literally. But we admit, it's really amazing how the tequila companies have convinced us all that piss colored drinks aren't chic enough, and instead the more elegant beverage is one that resembles baby diarrhea, yum!! Whatevs, it's like iced coffee that gets you drunk, and I'll vom that shit out anyway.


Of course, there’s something about taking tequila shots that brings betches together. Sure you and your bestie could be having an epic fight over why Taylor Swift does or does not suck (and she does) but after a few tequila shots it's like, wow, a shortage of tequila is def why there’s no peace in the Middle East. Turns out licking salt off your hand and biting into a piece of lime just has a way of bringing even the most contentious betches together.

So betches, stay away from margaritas unless you haven’t eaten anything all day because those calories will fuck you up, and not in the way you want. Shots are always encouraged, even if means you'll be vomming pure blue agave the entire next day. Have an epic spring break and remember, they don’t call it Tequila Sunrise so you could go to sleep when it’s fucking dark out.


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24 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    Betches wrote about Patron.

    Fucking nailed this one head on ladies.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    don julio is where its at. best tequila out there

    Posted on Reply
  3. Zoe says:

    Oh I agree! Nailed this one on the head; nothing beats some tequila shots

    Posted on Reply
  4. Aurora says:

    Milagro is amazing.  And its not piss colored like that cheap shit Jose Cuervo

    Posted on Reply
  5. BetchWhoLovesAVION says:

    Avion isn’t endorsed and it beats the shit out of douchey Patron, plus it means “plane” in Spanish. Why not drink it?

    You’re welcome wink

    Posted on Reply
  6. Serena says:

    Are you retarded, why would the fact that “avion” means “plane” change any perception on the drink? Abort yourself.                                          You’re welcome smile

    Posted on Reply
  7. Katrina says:

    I meeeeaaaaannn…....You should have been swallowed.

    Posted on Reply
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    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    patron citronage… si si

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Tequila made it to the betch list before vod? Betches be slacking. Tequila is for betches on vacation, when they can check class at the door and the number one priority is to rage (read: blackout like we’ve never blacked out before) and have a great story to tell your besties over late afternoon brunch. But as for our weekend.. err scratch that… daily routine… class is a must (at least until you’ve established that everyone you’re with is drunker than you). For these occasions there is only one way to go. Vodka water with lemon or lime. (BTW, for the uninformed wannabe betch—club soda has as many calories as *shudder* coca-cola. Doesn’t matter if you skipped dinner. 5 of those suckers and you’ve doubled your daily skinny betch calorie allowance. H20 is the way to go). Don’t like the taste? Clearly, you can’t hang. But I digress…. Vodka is number one in the hearts of betches everywhere, and should be in the top 10 on the betch list. Get your shit together, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says: soda is just sparkling water. zero calories. vodka soda ≠ vodka tonic.

    Posted on Reply
  12. BetchBarbie says:

    Which comes first? The salt or the lime? Before or after the shot? What’s the betchiest way?

    Posted on Reply
  13. Betch On Sping Break says:

    If you want tequila that doesn’t burn your eyes off when you take a shot, the best and more expensive tequila is Clase Azul.. (a million times better than Patron) One word - amaze. And each bottle is individually hand painted which makes it that much better. Your welcome!

    Posted on Reply
  14. lilaaa says:

    Sorry sweetie but youre clearly misinformed .. club soda is zero calories ... and tequila is as betchy as it comes .. not my problem that youre a fat girl and need to watch your actual alcohol calories.. haha suckstosuck wink

    Posted on Reply
  15. lily says:

    fucking duh lick drink suck obv

    Posted on Reply
  16. bri says:

    there’s nothing i love more than a night of tequila shots. except myself. obvi.

    Posted on Reply
  17. jlee says:

    lmao, great post and great comment! Shots of patron are awesome but the hangover the next day isn’t.

    Posted on Reply
  18. mexibetch says:

    pepe lopez was my jam in high school

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    HAHAHAHA ohhh my where do I start on this one? FIRSTLY, the Betches write about vodka all the time, fucking duh!! Secondly, club soda has zero calories. Are you thinking of tonic? Idiot. And if a non-vacay Betch wants to drink tequila she fucking WILL. Patron Silver, bitch please.

    Posted on Reply
  20. euro betch says:

    trick i learned in a tequila bar in belgium…best way to shoot tequila, which is hard to come by in a bar in the states, is to take a shot then bite into an orange slice dusted with cinnamon. it cuts tequila face so you can skip right over to drunkface.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Jimmy says:

    This is the stupidest shit I’ve ever read in my life.

    Posted on Reply
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