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By The Betches on

With Decembetch upon us we felt it necessary to introduce another favored sport amongst betches. Skiing, fucking duh, it says it in the title.

A true betch has been skiing since she came out of the womb, ever since her parents had her on an actual leash on the slopes. Obvi, you can bet that like everything else, she's amazing at it. Betches love skiing because even though it's a sport, it's actually just a synonym for vaca.

snowboardWho says you can't snowboard like a slut?

Unless you're a year-round mountain dweller, and we don't know any betches who are, skiing isn't a casual activity whatsoever, it's a process. "Going skiing" requires flying somewhere luxurious, spending a lot of money to attach two long poles to your feet and pretending to #118 work out, followed by a night of blacking out. Snaps for skiing, which makes it possible for us to demonstrate our superiority while also burning calories. So fucking efficient.

 

Let's talk about where to ski. A true ski snob knows that it's not acceptable to ski anywhere on the east coast. Acceptable ski locations include places like the Swiss or Austrian Alps, Aspen, Whistler, Vail, Jackson Hole, Beaver Creek, etc.

Now the clothes. Skiing requires a unique uniform and the perfect way to show off how elitist you are when you're on the slopes. Like if you're not wearing Kjus get out of my way, you poor fucking amateur. Unfortunately no matter how pretty or skinny you are, no one will ever look good in ski attire, so if you care more about dressing like a slut than being an active betch we suggest you redirect your private jet to the Maldives.

If you don't know what après ski is you're not a betch and you're probably poor or like, engage in skiing in order to challenge yourself. And no, having hot chocolate after skiing doesn't count, Michael Vale.

guysApres ski like a with a pro

Let's talk about skiing vs snowboarding. Unless you swing the way of Ellen DeGeneres or are so hot everything you do looks feminine, stay away from the board. Snowboarding is for girls who shop at Pac Sun and call other girls "man." And stop saying shit is "rad", no one wants to fuck Travis Birkenstock.

 

So this winter, when you're not putting more effort into your #27 tan than you did into getting a college degree, reward yourself with an extra vaca in the form of a ski trip. Or if you're not betchy enough to get your boss to agree to give you more time off, you can still go skiing from the warmth of your apartment.

And remember, although any kind of diamonds are super betchy, watch where you're fucking going when hitting the black ones. Getting too cocky in Interlaken will leave you rolling around Europe in no time; the last thing you need abroad is the #9 nickname FDR and people asking you if you regret bombing Hiroshima.

 

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72 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    Montage@Deer Valley, fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      I go there 3 times a year! After trying out Aspen, Vail, Steamboat, Sun Valley, Beaver Creek, and Jackson Hole, I can easily say its the fucking best. Especially since Deer Valley doesn’t even allow snowboarder on the mountain. Literally a dream come true

      Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    mont tremblant! my personal favorite ski location

    Posted on Reply
  3. j.betch says:

    Love the clear example of 36. Not Doing Work with the copyright watermark on the shutterstock photo. Classic.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    skiing also excludes poor people. great ski resort is panorama in BC. has an amazing spa. and you can’t forget about the fact that us betches need massages after we ski. ugh and i hate those snowboarders who call other people dudes and think its cool to wear their ski jacket all year around.

    Posted on Reply
  5. - says:

    “Unless you’re a year-round mountain dweller, and we don’t know any betches who are, skiing isn’t a casual activity whatsoever, it’s a process.” 

    Very true, but if you go to CU Boulder it can be an casual day trip.  I suggest a vaca is in order.  The head betches need to pay a visit if you don’t know any of these fabulous mountain dwelling betches that own the slopes.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Kjus is fine, but can’t forget about Bogner.  Really anything from Gorsuch is acceptable for a world class ski betch.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Real talk.  Tremblant is the shit!

    Posted on Reply
  8. skibetch says:

    Umm…you betches forgot about Sun Valley.  Its pretty much the mecca of ski resorts…

    Posted on Reply
  9. laur says:

    uhh love that fucking place

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    who skis? skiing reminds me of Mariah carey in aspen in the 80s.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    Agreed. DV is where the real betches go. there is a reason why it was ranked the #1 best ski resort in North America for the past 5 years. only the best for true betches…

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    word deer valley is where it’s at

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    Don’t forget water skiing

    Posted on Reply
  14. Kearbear! says:

    DV is the best place ever!!! This article speaks words of wisdom.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    canadian betchess! betchiest canadian place second to whistler

    Posted on Reply
  16. Bahahha says:

    #56….Cutting Lines….nice one Betches. bahhaha

    Posted on Reply
  17. Chaz says:

    Tremblant is weak

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    skiing is not nearly as betchy as the most betchy sport of #91 tennis.  also goggle tans are not betchy.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    completely agree. if you don’t know what Gorsuch or Golden Bear is get the fuck out you povo skanks.

    Posted on Reply
  20. ADB311 says:

    OMG right? How did skiing make it to the list? F*ck skiing, snow, big ugly boots and striped sweaters.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    the people who are saying that skiing is un-betchy clearly have never skied before.. probably because they couldn’t afford it… so not betchy. Every betch knows that skiing is the ultimate winter sport, what is more betchy than looking like a sexy snow bunny on the slopes surrounded by no poor ppl? and ew snowboarding is for lesbians who like dressing like men…

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    totes! and moncler of course

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    All you betches who haven’t herd of sun valley aren’t betches at all! You have no idea what your missing out on. Taking about vail and aspen, shut up! Sun valley was the first ski resort in the US and is still the best. GOML!

    Posted on Reply
  24. skibunny says:

    deer fucking valley

    Posted on Reply
  25. Google Tan says:

    If there is ANYWHERE to ski on the east coast, its fucking Stowe Vermont.  “A drinking town with a skiing problem.”  There really isn’t anything more betchy than that.  And google tans show that you ski out west a.k.a the ultimate betch status symbol.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    Skiing is too much work, I’d rather ski one day and then the rest of the vaca is spent at the SPA.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    Yes I love it! Plus if you’re an underaged betch the drinking age is 18 there so no worries about needing a fake!

    Posted on Reply
  28. Shelby says:

    are you fucking kidding me? why would any betch go to DV when she can go somewhere far superior, such as Snowbird or Alta?

    Posted on Reply
  29. skibunny says:

    It doesn’t get any betchier than Sun Valley.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Boarding Betch says:

    I would have to disagree with the fact that snowboarding is not betchy. Any one can ski. Even my grandmother who is 90 years old skis. If you are a hot betch and snowboard like a pro, any man will be drooling over you. Plus, snowboarding companies def have the best snow wear hands down and you don’t so robotic in snowboarding boots. True betches snowboard because any rider can ski but not every skier can ride.

    Posted on Reply
  31. Anonymous says:

    eww snowboarding is gross and their “snow wear” makes you look like a dude. there is a reason deer valley is skiing only.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Alphabetch says:

    just because we go through phases, like being an envrionmentalist because that goes along with funky ellicit drugs and ski way more than we go to class second semester, on and off the slopes. Doesn’t mean we don’t look hot while we do it. A betch that still skis in pink, but beats the boys is a whole next level of sassy betch.

    Posted on Reply
  33. Lacebetch says:

    Any place that you can spend just as much money renting your equipment and paying for your hot italian private instructor as you can facials, expensive dinners, and shopping…is the winter mecca for betches. get real here..and as a famous funnybetch reference, Aspen..where the beer tastes like wine

    Posted on Reply
  34. Lacebetch says:

    more like, vintage high waisted sexy alethcis pants with a cute overly expensive jacket and a natural blush from the wind always makes you look like a natural betch. And striped sweaters? Try more like wildly expensive hand knit Norwegian classics. They are retrochic, hello

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    the snowboarding generalizations are so ridiculous! but i guess thats what betches do best…i know plenty of hot betches who snowboard and we dont call eachother “dude” all day long. and believe me, guys who snowboard are usually hotter than guys who ski and there is nothing a hot pro who snowboards loves better than a sexy betch who can ride with him wink

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    canadian rockies? whistler, b.c? yesssss duh.

    Posted on Reply
  37. anonymous says:

    FDR did not bomb hiroshima… dip shit

    Posted on Reply
  38. Anonymous says:

    Squaw Valley, NoCal

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    Is anyone else going to be staying at the Montage in Deer Valley over winter break?

    Posted on Reply
  40. Anonymous says:

    if youre gonna be in norcal, you have to go to northstar

    Posted on Reply
  41. Anonymous says:

    okay DVs a joke it so totally went down hill. why go to a gross ski town where the only shop is quicksilver when you could go to aspen? like cmoon people? plus highlands bowl > wasatch

    Posted on Reply
  42. Newport Betch says:

    You’re clearly not from California. NoCal isn’t a place, bitch. It’s SoCal and NorCal…

    Posted on Reply
  43. Breck Bro says:

    Yeah, I’m gonna have to agree with that one. Nicely done betches, I am a bro currently residing in Breckenridge, and no, we’re not Deer Valley, Beaver Creek, or Aspen and trust me, we like it that way. Girls who can ride are very hot, and yes, most men will be all over you if you’re cool and can snowboard. And why is a bro reading your website? Because it’s fucking hilarious, keep up the good work.

    Posted on Reply
  44. Snowboarding beezy says:

    Everyone is just hating on boarders because they most likely tried snowboarding and went down the mountain on their ass

    Posted on Reply
  45. Anonymous says:

    um ew. i mean, if you like waiting in a lift line with the peasants for an hour.. squaw valley usa is a world class resort for savvy ski betches, they diddddd have the olympics held there and all.

    Posted on Reply
  46. Anonymous says:

    we’d prefer a bikini in Cabo for my winter break but hey, if you can’t rock it, I see why you feel the need to to blow your cash on a fucking sweater. I’m happy for you when you can finally find something in a size Small/Medium that fits like a fucking XXL - good way to cover your back rolls when you’re smushed into a sports bra.

    Posted on Reply
  47. cbizzle says:

    A real betch accepts nothing less then black diamonds….

    Posted on Reply
  48. Anonymous says:

    Agreed. DV is lame as shit, Snowbird is where anyone who actually knows how to ski goes. TBH even Park City is better than DV.

    Posted on Reply
  49. Sam says:

    This website seems extremely familiar, it reminds me a lot of a website called bros like this site. hooray for being original!!!!!! BITCHES

    Posted on Reply
  50. Anonymous says:

    agree completely! oo and jet set and moncler!

    Posted on Reply
  51. WTF? says:

    As an ACTUAL SKIER. i.e. someone who can actually ski double black all day, I have to say: your faux rankings SUCK. If you ACTUALLY SKI, there is nowhere better than ALTA. I’ll give you Vail if you go to the bowls, but the front is awful.
    Now for my critique of your site: You have managed to put forth a lifestyle that is basically an homage to the 7 deadly sins and defined it as something to aspire to. (You *do* know what the 7 deadly sins are, right? Don’t betches get high level educations at ridiculously expensive colleges where you might have read Goethe?) You and your followers are clearly a bunch of spoiled do-nothings who will never contribute a single iota to society. Get off your high horse, get a life, and figure out how to actually ski.

    Posted on Reply
  52. Anonymous says:

    Northstar for sure betches. Private gondola service to the Ritz. That is all.

    Posted on Reply
  53. Ski Betch says:

    Exactly. Deer Valley is so common, and it’s really more for families, totally boring. Snowbird is where it’s at, Banff and Whistler are also great. And if you’re a legitimate betch, you’ve been skiing since 3 and go several times a year - no true betch circles I or II on her ski form.

    Posted on Reply
  54. Ameelz says:

    O but what’s better is when Whistler is only an 1.5 hour drive. No flying required betches. BC mountains fucking duh!

    Posted on Reply
  55. So true says:

    Have you ever seen guys on the mountain?
    Skiers: Nerdy, either too skinny or too fat to keep balance, tight clothes, prissy, stuck up (in the worst way), pussy and probz gay or an old man.
    Snowboarders: Hot, daring, badass, sexy ass clothing, amazing balance (which makes for good, well you should know), always down to drink before and after the mountain, have the hottest tricks, are HUGE SAB’s, and have the best weed (if you’re into that).
    PLUS! Flirting while riding is super easy, esp tackling each other to the ground or playing tag. Lemme see a skier trying to catch you without you getting impaled.
    Actually, the only good thing a guy skier is good for, is pulling me along when I’m trying not to work too hard to get across that flat part of the mountain or to the ski lift. Duh.
    “Hey, you mind?” Of course you don’t, you fucking herb.

    I have been a boarder for 13 years and can pull tricks in the park, but I def don’t say dude, bro or anything like that for the matter. I never look like a bro on the mountain, but can for sure keep up with them, which, by the way, they think is totz sexy.

    Posted on Reply
  56. skibetch says:

    i’m in deer valley now and its wayy betchier than park city, the canyons, alta, and snowbird combined. is your resort #1 5 years in a row with a st. regis, montage, and tons of $5 mill plus houses? no. and empire canyon is home to several advanced/experts runs. you can leave now wannabe betches

    Posted on Reply
  57. doozyfab says:

    “A true ski snob knows that it’s not acceptable to ski anywhere on the east coast. “
    amaze and cannot be any more true! Only the betchiest mountains for the betchiest people<3

    -doozyfab
    doozyfab.com

    Posted on Reply
  58. Parisienne says:

    One word. Gstaad. Betchiest skiing town ever.

    Posted on Reply
  59. Anonymous says:

    Advanced and expert runs? We said betches that can actually ski, not those who stick to groomed runs and rate their runs based on what the resort rates them… Leave now, weekend warrior betches.

    Posted on Reply
  60. Anonymous says:

    Sun Valley. Moncler. Jet set. Duh, betch.

    Posted on Reply
  61. Anonymous says:

    Wtf is America now, poor fucks, fly out of your shit country and go somewhere else. Really?

    Posted on Reply
  62. betchy skier says:

    SUN VALLEY is the betchiest ski resort BY FAR. It has the most class and the hottest (richest) men go there. Deer Valley is a close second, but does Deer Valley have a private airport close by for the private jet? No.

    Posted on Reply
  63. Anonymous says:

    Who skis in the States anymore? So not betchy. Gstaad is obvi the place to be. Get on my level.

    Posted on Reply
  64. Anonymous says:

    tremblants on the east coast, fucking duh. betches go west.

    Posted on Reply
  65. Anonymous says:

    tremblants on the east coast, fucking duh. betches go west.

    Posted on Reply
  66. ew says:

    seriously shut the fuck up. Everyone who can actually ski knows you never brag about it, quit trying too hard. And vail’s bowls suck, aspen’s are way better, so clearly you’re 1. too poor to afford aspen 2. haven’t actually skied Vail’s bowls, so quit expressing opinions and get your slow ass off the slopes loser.
    p.s. actual skiers don’t ski double blacks, they take the cat up to the expert terrain.

    Posted on Reply
  67. The betch the runs shit says:

    betches don’t like snowboarding because they can’t fucking do it. If you were a betch since birth and your family took you to _______ (any fucking mountain your little heart desires), the only thing you want to do at this point is snowboard. skiing got fucking boring at age 10 and the boots started making your gorgeous feet hurt so you could not wear those gucci heals apre skiing . If you are a true betch, you switched.

    Here is a little WARNING for the skiing “betches” that realized they should probably switch : please spare the boarding betches and bros and DO NOT TRY boarding for the FIRST TIME with us. seriously dont. Noone wants to see you fail over and over again. It pisses everyone off and you look like an idiot. Sliding down the mountain on your ass and/or sticking to the bunny slope is just not betchy. BYE.

    Posted on Reply
  68. Susie says:

    What about the lovely Apex Mountain Resort at Penticton, BC-Canada?? I love that hill.

    Posted on Reply
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