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By The Betches on

As you're probably reading this while navigating the shoe section of Bloomingdales, it should be obvious that the holy grail of all betchy activities is shopping.

Let's be serious, shopping goes deep. It's not just something we do, like going to our jobs tanning at our pools. It defines us. Going shopping is like, a tri-weekly soul-searching experience. It's the only thing that brings us closer to Zen. Besides Xanax.

shopping sign

Whether you're more of a Saks or Neiman girl, a boutique hunter, or a slave to the trends of Intermix, LF and Top Shop, you’re probably better equipped to maneuver your way to their fitting rooms while blindfolded than you are to find the bathroom of your own fucking house in the middle of the night.

We’re here to justify your shopping addiction. An alcoholic's sponsor would tell him that he doesn't need alcohol. Fuck that. You require shopping.

My closet is already worth hundreds of thousands of dollars? Whatever. I'm feeling a little empty right now.

Not only is shopping therapeutic, but the things we buy are essential in shaping the image we project to other betches. Every betch knows that one of the greatest challenges in wardrobe selection is finding the balance between dressing for the season like everyone else you know, and showing off her "individuality."

Speaking of wardrobe selection, building the perfect collection each season is necessary and fun. Every betch has her staples: multiple bandage skirts, flowy silk tops in every color, a variety of jeans in all cuts and shades, stilettos for any occasion, and the obvious high-end items - the Hermes belt, the classic Chanel, the daytime Balenciaga, and so on.

Still, even though there are a few tops in your closet that you bought three weeks ago and haven't worn, you like, really need to get another one for tonight.

Shopping is a ritual. It’s a way of life.

It's not just about the clothes or having the best new shoes and handbags, it's the lure of anything and everything that's for sale. Betches get excited when they walk into the beauty section of fucking CVS. Ugh I really need that new Paul Mitchell Conditioning Gel Straightening Volumizing Finishing spray... maybe another Moroccan oil...

And finally we have online shopping. Ugh, where do we begin. It's shopping without doing work. You already had your morning workout so why waste your Adderall on poring through clothes racks when you can sit on your computer and do the same thing? If you’ve found yourself waiting for the package from Nasty Gal, which you charged to your shady "emergency credit card" because you were nervous - not that your parents would see how much you spent - but because your mom would think that your dad’s ordering porn, you are not alone.


Plus, online shopping is great for the discounts, and since sales aren't betchy, no one has to know you actually utilized a sale. Gross. Really though, are you a Gilt Groupe stalker? You should be. Like how can you possibly pass on getting 10% off that gorg Chloe clutch when you only have to spend a minimum of $250 on clothes? What a steal.

So what if you get a speech from your parents bimonthly about how you aren’t fooling anyone by splitting your purchases on three of daddy's credit cards and that your lavish habits are irresponsible and undeserved, or some shit like that.

“You need to know the value of the dollar!”

No Dad, you need to know the value of my white collarless shirt from Fred Segal.

Besides, betches know everything, especially that the value of a dollar might as well be zero. That's exactly why we don't waste our time trying to make any. You know what betches know the value of? A husband.

So remember, you are what you wear and how you dress. Next time your dad flips a shit about the credit card bill, just stay calm and remind him of that thing you learned once in Personal Finance Management 101. You need to spend money to make money. And no man will marry you in last season's Loubs.


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22 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    every betch knows when you spend 400$ and daddy is going to flip, put 200 on the card and pay 200 in cash. its better to split up half in cash so theres no paper trail so daddy can’t trace back the bills to really find out how much you spent!

    Posted on Reply
    • Betch says:

      I have a tendency to go crazy in the beauty section of CVS whenever I am waiting for my adderall refills.

      Get cash back at the grocery store, because obviously you won’t be spending that much on food unless you are a fatty. That way you can also cover up your borderline eating disorder.

      Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    brings tears to my eyes, betch. you hit it spot on. and i’m a neimans girl who gets so fucking excited in the beauty section of cvs… of course all my makeup is bobbi brown, but it’s still fun to browse and next thing you know you’ve spent 200 bucks on shit you don’t need. but it’s so much fun to organize and put in your bathroom!

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    “I needed to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength”…glad I’m not the only one who can still apply quotes from Clueless to every life situation. New post inspiration, betches?

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    $250 gone this weekend in San Francisco. New shoes purchased from Aldo during my break yesterday. $125 worth of jewelry bought online when I woke up. Some may say it’s a problem, but I say it’s a fucking lifestyle.

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    You are a fucking genius.

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    In college I don’t live anywhere near a mall or place to shop aka every single day I was getting a new package from things I had bought myself online. Now that I’m home for summer back to doing exactly what you said!

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    word. in college i immediately go online shopping when i think i “deserve” a present….getting a package is so much more satisfying sometimes than just buying it in the store. addicted

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    I. Love. This.
    This is me shopping hahahaha. Perfect!!!

    Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    dropped 4gs on my platinum amex this month entirely dedicated to clothes. totally worth it.

    Posted on Reply
  10. The Betches says:

    My white collarless shirt from Fred Segal is my most responsible looking ensemble!

    Posted on Reply
  11. The Betches says:

    Was on vacay for a month sent a box of clothes I bought there and came home to the five boxes of things I ordered online while on vacay. Addicted.

    Posted on Reply
  12. The Betches says:

    You betches hit it on the nail. Shopping is our silent way of telling everyone else walking on the street around us that we are better than them.

    ps. I have bandage skirts in every color…obvi

    Posted on Reply
  13. The Betches says:

    Loves it. How is it that I’m just discovering this site now? Clearly a betch who is behind the curve. Um kinda disappointed that there isn’t a betch street style section (ladies get out there and take some pictures of other betches other than the ones I am tired of seeing on Perez, it’s not like we’re indoors working).

    PS. Fred Segal is over, I might go there to get a salad but the clothes selection…. woof.

    Posted on Reply
  14. ScuseMeBetch says:

    One of my favorite posts yet

    Posted on Reply
  15. BetchsoFetch says:

    rituals are like a form of art or expression, so not only is it essential but it’s an art that true betches have mastered

    Posted on Reply
  16. Levvy says:

    That’s an interesting option, i am sure a lot of these girls already apply what you just said, it’s like a way of survival. It’s a good thing that I shop on Wichita classifieds, they have some nice offers so I can spend the same amount for more things so I don’t have to use the method you mentioned.

    Posted on Reply
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