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By The Betches on

We all know these types of betches and bros. They’re the ones who haven’t been single since they were twelve, and if they have been, it was for about 3 months until they found someone new to attach at the hip.

For girls, the serial dater is a complex entity within the bestie group. Assuming she’s not the UGH, meaning you still see her out at night and not just at the library or graduation, the SD can be an asset to any crew. Depending on what type of SD she is, she can bring different things to the table.

 

I love you man"I cannot wait to watch Chocolat"

 

The Serial Six-Monther (SSM) – The SSM is always dating someone but the relationship never lasts longer than 6 months. It always ends badly and is filled with countless dramatic stories and nauseating tears. This is because the SSM models her next boyfriend after her ex. This almost always means she is with essentially the same SAB over and over again, the only difference being the guys' last name and his taste in boat shoes.

This betch will often still party hard, if only because she’s going out to check on her boyfriend to make sure he’s not cheating on her, or to find some bro to flirt with in hopes that someone will tell her boyfriend about it later.

This betch is great for when you’re bored and have run out of TV shows to watch. Like when you have the choice of listening to the SSM bitch about her boyfriend or watch Grimm, you'll choose the former because at least it'll make you feel better about your love life. On the plus side, listening to her bitch will give you some insight on how to strategically avoid dating douchebags with no soul.

You know you’re an SSM when you:

- Have had more than one boyfriend with the same first name

- People constantly introduce you as “Jenny, she used to date Brad” or “Brad’s ex-girlfriend”

- Have found yourself crying in a bar bathroom more than once a semester

- Track your boyfriend’s whereabouts more precisely than NASA tracks an impending meteor about to hit Earth.

 

"Hey [insert name], your body is a wonderland"

 

The Long Term Relationshiper (LTR) - This betch is also always in a relationship, but these relationships tend to last years. Marriage may be mentioned or in some extreme cases, planned. While she also hasn’t been single since she hit puberty, this is usually because she’s been with the same one or two guys since fucking forever, usually with stints of LDRing.

This betch is great because her love life is pretty much drama-free and she’s like, nauseatingly happy. Because of this, she has more than enough time to listen to you talk about yourself, your dating issues, and why various guys fucking suck without adding in her own two cents about her issues. Although she's great to hash out your problems with, beware that she tells everything to her boyfriend so you can bet your ass he knows more about your sexual history than your gynecologist.

The caveat to this betch is that she’s usually fucking boring as shit. Usually, when she’s not skyping with her BF, you'll find her sober driving her besties to the bars or wearing a turtleneck long sleeve dress to clubs. She makes an effort to still go out and have a good time, but fear not, she will always be having less fun more sober than you.

Now that we've established that this girl is boring as fuck, we're going to pose the question that boggles our beautiful minds: Is she boring because she's constantly in a relationship or is she constantly in a relationship because she's boring? The world may never know, or give enough of a shit to think about after they finish reading this paragraph.

Let’s explore the elusive yet interesting constantly wifed up bro. With guys there are two types of serial daters.

The David Duchovony - The guys who constantly have girlfriends and constantly cheat on them, probably because of an undiagnosed sex addiction. They keep these girlfriends around so they can have consistent sex and if they’re in an LDR, sex whenever they’re with their GF, yet they still go out nightly with their bros in attempt to fuck anything with a pulse. The best part is how their girlfriend is either oblivious (dumb as shit) or indifferent (afraid that she wont find a new boyfriend post break-up). Most of the time, these guys like the idea of having a hot betch as a girlfriend, but never have any intention for this to be like, a monogamous thing.

 

runaway bride"I've been waiting my whole life for an SAB like you"

 

The Paul Rudd in “I Love You Man” - Then there are the guys who date girls who are way out of their league in order to lock them down and take them off the market. When they're not being called 'pussy whipped' by their friends or reciting lines from A Walk to Remember, they're consistently being bitched around by these betches whom they worship. Meanwhile, the world marvels at how E was able to date Sloane for six seasons even hook up with Sloane.

So serial daters, while we appreciate your role in the bestie circle and are disgusted by your inability to ever be alone, you’re seriously missing out by not experiencing the single betch life. Being a serial dater means you’re either always stressed out, or more boring than the State of the Union. From time to time, serial dating can be great, but it will suck when you’re 35 and discover you’re Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, but without Richard Gere to help you decide whether you actually prefer your eggs scrambled or nonexistent.

 

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37 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Kels87 says:

    wow you girls really need to pick better topics… been seriously slacking lately

    Posted on Reply
  2. BostonBetch says:

    Amazing post betches, right on the dot. Serial daters start early and haven’t breathed single life for more than 6 months since they got their periods.

    The long term relationship betch, the type of paranoid betch that parties just because she’s checking up on her david douchevony boyfriend, is also the type of betch who incessantly goes through her boyfriends phone like a CIA agent trying to track down a terrorist, facebook friends all of her boyfriends female friends in order to stalk the shit out of them and makes sure she’s the hottest female in her life. doesn’t sound like much of a betch but he’s a Pro and a dick at the same time buys her shit. idk…I think we need a post to expand on the psycho girlfriend betch.

    overall great work betches keep this shiz up

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    That first comment clearly ia from a girl who is
    In denial of being a serial dater. Well done

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    What about the betch that simply likes to fuck bros but wants to avoid being considered a whore so she always locks down the hottest guys who are obsessed with her? As long as the bro isn’t an sab its a pretty good system.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    A great quality post

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous3 says:

    What about the fucking awful betch who is so insecure with her life and looks that she dates the ugliest bro’s ever, and they still treat her like shit? I don’t know if anyone else knows a bitch like this, but my ex-roommate is one. Her constant layout of sad ugly guys was extremely nauseating. The worst part is that she was so obsessed with them, and honestly thought they were hot shit despite the fact that they were fucking haggard. Ew

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    She’s obvi not a betch if the words ‘fucking awful - insecure - dates ugliest bros - obsessed - and haggard” all described her or her circumstances. Sounds like she needs to betch the fuck up.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    I agree with you completely!

    Posted on Reply
  9. Kels87sucks says:

    very unbetchy to be a serial dater…glad that’s been clarified.  thanks betches.

    Posted on Reply
  10. True Life says:

    Thank you so much for finally defining me within a post. Normally girls would be upset, but being the betch that I am..I love being the LTR. Luckily I’m not dating a David Duchovony type or I would be like my bestie who bounces from one ugly bro to the next after being cheated on repeatedly. I am proud of being able to have the best worlds: flirt and get my drinks fo freezies while going home with my pro and get my freak on, yes I said freak on. Deal with it. Grazi for the 3 minutes of laughter you give us daily, keep up the greatness Betches.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous3 says:

    I know, you’re so right. But the weird thing is thats she possesses betchy qualities. She goes to the best university, parties every fucking night of the week, is in a sorority and spends her parents money like no one i’ve ever seen. She’s a fake betch… is there such a thing? On the outside she screams betch, on the inside she’s an insecure obsessive psycho with awful taste in men.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Jen-Jen says:

    is seriously Paul Rudd material. Yes, I’m out his league, but his future earning potential (FEP) somewhat evens the playing field. Gotta factor in the cash when it comes to serious relationships. I am the Sloane (the JAP betch) to his E (cute and ambitious but unworthy). (his name is Eric, ironically).

    Posted on Reply
  13. betchamissme says:

    i know a chick like this. totally betchy on the outside but actually a red hot mess. it gets so creepy after a while. except she thought she was really good at playing guys and was like “trust me, guys don’t use me. guys don’t hit it and quit it.” then she proceeds to get used and dumped by the ugliest sequence of guys

    Posted on Reply
  14. @college_betch says:

    One of the besties is SUCH an LTR. Would so send her this but she’d probs get offended. Great post!

    Posted on Reply
  15. Hannah says:

    I’m totally a serial dater, and this post is way too true. Hilarious smile

    Posted on Reply
  16. anonymous says:

    Although this is my favourite blog ever and this post is hilar…I disagree about the LTR assessment! First off I don’t drive cause that’s what fucking cabs are for, DUH. You won’t see me chauffeuring my fucked up friends around town, like…ever… are you kidding with that? Also, I still black out /fly to candyland all the time and go just as hard as my single besties, dress slutty (my pro is proud of my hotness! Fuck covering up), and I have just enough drama to not be alienating (obviously that part isn’t so awesome but it can be entertaining). And to be honest all my besties with long term commitments are exactly like me too. Oh well. Maybe the lame betch you’re talking about it actually a dud or something.

    BUT ON ANOTHER NOTE. I’d love to see a post about betches and the importance of having perfect hair…unless I missed that somehow.

    Thanks for the daily entertainment! Please keep it coming forever.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    love being the LTR of the group- only must say it never stopped me from dressing like a slut and getting fucked up with my girls.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    See those girls think their clever, but everyone knows what that 3 week relationship was about.
    Also a pretty fucking easy way for others to realize how high your number is..

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    You’re all stupid bitches.

    Posted on Reply
  20. betchamissme says:

    this site is supposed to be funny, that’s what makes it ultimately betchy. get the fuck out.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous3 says:

    Maybs we are talking about the same un-betchy betch! This sounds just like my ex-friend. She once stated “She could get any guy she wanted”. And it’s true… because they are gross, poor mannered, unhygienic weirdos. Glad i’m not the only one with a fake betch friend who settles for the nastiest guys ever. She needs to get some self respect.

    Posted on Reply
  22. new betch on the block says:

    what about the serial dater who is in long relationship after the next and complains, cries, goes on about their latest fight (aka: sounds just like the one you heard two weeks ago), and talks about breaking up with her Paul Rudd but never does cause she can’t be alone. never single since puberty and completely misses out on the aspects of single life..honsetly has all the great qualities of a betch but when it comes to doing what she really wants (aka: break up) i’ve seen more spine in jellyfish.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    agree betch above me! my LTR has allowed me to continue to dress like a super slut, go out w my besties then go home with my bro! also, hellooo, when was the last time i paid for anything??

    Posted on Reply
  24. betchamissme says:

    so fucking bizarre cause they’re so oblivious. it’s like, what if i’m that oblivious too and i also think i’m a betch…... nah, no fucking way. but jokes aside it’s also when you go out with them you never know when they’re gonna get twisted as fuck and throw themselves all over the ugliest guy on the hockey team who still clearly wants nothing to do with her with everyone else at the party like “um did this girl come with you” and you’re like “at least she has big tits and she’s normal ish i promise not really”

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    hello 5th grade grammar, clearly didn’t proofread that shit

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    I honestly cannot stand the Serial Daters who constantly have a boyfriend because they can’t handle being alone & basically just don’t know how to live a betchy single life. Once they find a bro to date (find an acceptable fuck buddy) they fall off the face of the Earth. However, when they get in a fight or break up she comes back around just so she has someone to tell all her bullshit to. Like, who cares? Best way to deal with this- to everything she says about her bf, relate it somehow back to your life. Eventually, she’ll get so annoyed that you’re not talking about her that she’ll shut up.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    Why does this site have AARP ads? Not betchy.

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    i mean seriously, if a girl can’t be on her own..SO UN BETCHY! i mean get with it, we are strong, independent women.. since when do we always need a guy by our side? i’m pretty sure we can live our life without relying on guys. thought we were all feminists here.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    Betches missed a great point about SSMs. The constant rotation of guys usually means that there’s an endless supply of new bros (his friends) hanging around to #notfuck. If you can get past listening (or pretend to listen) to their oh-so-dramatic lives, they’re not so bad.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Katie says:

    nononon the long term relationshipper is spot fucking on. Love it, love this site, im a new coming, keep on preaching. amen.

    Posted on Reply
  31. andreea says:

    my brother. last one. missing his balls for almost a year.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Anonymous says:

    this site is so stupid. just about everything and anything is considered “unbetchy.” i know these girls that live by this site and who have lost all friends and relationships. the three of them are only friends with each other because of this stupid website.

    Posted on Reply
  33. Anonymous says:

    I must admit that this post is pretty accurate. My best friend is the typical SSM! She’s never single for more than a few weeks. Her longest relationships have all been under six months! I am definitely the LTR because all of my relationships have lasted several years… while barely being single a month in between them.  I even think it’s funny to laugh about how LTRs are “boring.” I don’t go out much anymore. My Fiance and I usually just hang out at home. Even when he is working late; I am usually swamped with school work… no complaints though! I’ve realized I need to take some aspects of life seriously if I want to be married and successful. Okay so I am not a “betch” (after all, this website is satirical) but this is pretty true!

    Posted on Reply
  34. Elizabetch says:

    OMG I fucking HATE serial daters.  Like, really, any girl who needs a bf or someone to obsess over (other than herself) sure as hell isn’t in my bestie circle because obvi she’s too insecure to stand on her two feet.  And, quite frankly, I’m not trying to waste my time with a fucking loser.  Thank God my betchy mother taught me well!

    Posted on Reply
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