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By The Betches on

When a betch goes out to a restaurant with her besties, she immediately scans the menu for the soups and salads. Why skip the appetizers and the entrées? Because soups are liquid, and salads are the only acceptable food a betch can eat other than #72 sushi and air. And because spinach artichoke dip is for fat vegetarians.

The recipe for creating the betchiest salad is simple: put as little items in it for as much money as possible. Mixed greens with cherry tomatoes for $18!? Count me in.

women happy

Betches will also eat salads with fancy names, like the Waldorf or the Tri-colorée, usually involving sophisticated cheeses that we won't eat but will leave on our plates to show other patrons and the busboy that we're not only rich, but successfully ano.

There's nothing more nauseating than watching a girl order the fat salad on the menu, like the kind with corn, avocados, bleu cheese, etc. It's usually disguised with some Southwest or Mexican name. A real betch knows that the only thing it's acceptable to ingest from south of the border are drugs in Acapulco.

How to order a salad like a betch:

It's not betchy to order a salad the way it's written on the menu. (Refer to classic betch film 'When Harry Inevitably Fucked Sally'). Exchanging vegetables and leaving things out are key in order to achieve the green masterpiece you call lunch. "Um, can I get cucumbers instead of the hearts of palm, and can you please add the chick peas on top, you know, after you've chopped it. Oh yeah, and can you chop it? Dressing on the side."

Dressing on the side is a big thing and unfortunately we have to ask for it. Doesn't the chef know that every betch has a unique vinaigrette threshold? Our palettes are delicate and can only withstand so much vinegar on our sensitive tongues! If we wanted that much acidity hitting our mouths we'd be downing tequila shots.

women happyThis is so much fun!!

[Side note: Balsamic, oil and vinegar, and lemon juice are the only reasonable dressings. Maybe a fat free raspberry vinaigrette. Want Thousand Island or French? You might as well order a plate of wings, uncross your legs, turn on the game and change your name to Todd.]

Sometimes betches have a sweet tooth and flavored gum just doesn't cut it, we understand. For this sole reason, God invented craisins. There's nothing better than the craisin cucumber chicken combo. Fucking duh.

Speaking of chicken, if it's not grilled it's gotta go. Fried chicken is disgusting and frankly shouldn't even be brought up in conversation unless the topic is a Tyler Perry movie. Adding grilled chicken or salmon to your salad is a perfect choice in case you are hungry. If you don't like chicken, an Adderall will do.

And remember, if you're trying to order a Caesar salad you are not a betch. You're a fat ass. Caesar died for a reason.


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58 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. obsessed says:

    such a perfect post for these last few days before halloween when all of us betches are being even more ano than usual.. cause we all know eating is for girls in “funny” costumes

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    Chicken and salmon are good but you can’t forget grilled shrimp…my personal preference

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    This is fucking awesome. I currently have a take-out salad packed in my bag right now in case these #44. diet cokes don’t hold me over at school—veggies only of course.

    Also, tofu is a great addition, but so many restaurants are insensitive to vegetarians. Rude.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    So great. And the When Harry Met Sally reference made it even better…if that’s even possible.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    totes love some addxr salad

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    totes love addxr salad

    Posted on Reply
  7. Jess says:

    I feel like I wrote this, down to the craisins. Good job betches.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    The Tri-Colorée and the Waldorf are obvs salads from California Pizza Kitchen.

    Posted on Reply
  9. salad-vore says:

    Perfect for the most rex (ano) of betches.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    “And remember, if you’re trying to order a Caesar salad you are not a betch. You’re a fat ass. Caesar died for a reason.”

    yesss i can’t stand it when girls are like ‘Oh I’ll have a Caesar with grilled chicken’ ... like, stop acting like you’re really skinny and realize that you might as well have ordered a cheeseburger for all the calories in the dressing alone. fatass.

    Posted on Reply
  11. E says:

    Can I get the ceasar with a side of lard, k thanks!

    Posted on Reply
  12. Nicole N says:

    I understand about salalds and lunch. And there’s nothing more enjoyable than asking the waiter to go back to the kitchen for the umpeenth time, “uhhh… excuse me miss can I please get some (fill in the blank) Also, feel free to change your order several times, IT"S OUR PEROGATIVE!!!
    My new health regime for dinner is a martini and nicorette gum. A variation on the theme is a chard and a smoke
    Bon Apetit!

    Posted on Reply
  13. Yep says:

    “Caesar died for a reason” hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha

    Posted on Reply
  14. judge me says:

    we should all just totally stab caesar

    Posted on Reply
  15. KT says:

    Fucking love this. I couldn’t have said it better.  I get particularly nauseous when someone orders a salad with ‘crispy’ chicken, aka fried. Vom. Love you betches.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    Betches love hearts of palm ..and ew craisins.. Not betchy

    Posted on Reply
  17. FuckingLoveCraisins says:

    Ugh, Caesar salad. Do those tragic skanks not realize that Caesar dressing is basically mayonnaise + anchovies? Congratulations, you’re fat AND your breath smells like a yeast infection.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Sarah says:

    Hilarious… <3

    Posted on Reply
  19. rebecca says:

    i was reading this waiting for y’all to comment on the un-betchiness of the caesar salad. and then you did, very last sentence. obvi, don’t know why i even wondered.

    nothing is more unsettling than seeing a perfectly healthy plate of greens arrive at the table and then watching whichever fatass that ordered it slather it with 500 calories worth of ranch. or any cream-based dressing. vom

    should have commented on croutons though…no betch can ever stand for croutons on her salad. might as well eat the entire bread basket yourself…or any of it really, for that matter. and don’t even get me started on taco salads.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    Tyler Perry movies shouldn’t be discussed, period. You might as well just tell everyone that you’re poor and have no sense of what humor is supposed to look like. Basically, girls who like Tyler Perry movies will obviously fuck anyone on the first date.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    The candied walnuts on the CPK Waldorff salad are NOT betchy in the slightest. Can I replace those with some celery please? Thanks.

    Oh and my Waldorff that I ate last Thursday? Last meal I’ve had. Get ready Halloween!

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    and you know what a yeast infection smells like because…?
    fucking gross.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    you just took the time to comment about how craisins are “not betchy”. craisins, really? YOU ARE PATHETIC.

    Posted on Reply
  24. says:

    Adderal > salad any day babez

    Posted on Reply
  25. Sylvie says:

    all this rubbish about eating salads is a load of bs.

    I am a thin betch. eat what I want and it’s not salads. just saying. smile

    Posted on Reply
  26. Hanna says:

    So true. You look at the menu and almost all the salads have meat automatically! And lots of other crap that take away from the point of eating salad.

    When I visited Greece they fried all their vegetables. Gross. What’s the point of eating a veggie if it’s fried?

    Posted on Reply
  27. selina says:

    if you have to starve your self with just salad and can’t enjoy a healthy meal with meat, chicken etc. deal with it.

    you’re fat.

    go to the gym

    salad is not your answer.


    Posted on Reply
    • mcgill betch says:

      AGREED. And a handful of craisins have about as much sugar in them as a large coke.

      Delusional eaters: You’re not betchy, you’re uneducated AND fat because you think craisins make you skinny

      Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    I don’t think I’ve ever ordered a meal (salad) the way it’s written on the menu. As a result whoever I’m with always let’s me know how difficult/annoying I am.

    And forget the chicken/salmon/shrimp…fill up on water first and none of that is necessary, duh.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    Fuck the gym, who wants to be all muscley and ripped? No thank you. At 5’5 and fluctuating between 108 and 111 lbs I am easily the skinniest betch out of my besties and the only exercise is in my bed with my #pro.

    Posted on Reply
  30. KJ says:

    or any of the other cardio equipment. please tell me you are joking.

    Posted on Reply
  31. Betches Be Crazy says:

    Racist?.... why is the black joke necessary? I get it you don’t like Fried Chicken… I’m not overly offended just curious

    Posted on Reply
  32. Anonymous says:

    true, i like the elliptical. but if i’m being honest i can only spend a certain amount of time in a gym before i become seriously over it

    Posted on Reply
  33. FYI says:

    satirizing stereotypes, duh, betch!

    Posted on Reply
  34. HAHA says:

    “Funny” costumes…LOVE IT ! hahaha

    Posted on Reply
  35. Christine says:

    Thank god somebody else said it. I can eat whatever the fuck I want and I have not weighed a pinch over 117 lbs in my entire life. Must suck to suck! But it’s great to be able to eat what we want and still be hot wink

    Posted on Reply
  36. jess says:

    you are just so dumb, it must suck to be your parents.

    Posted on Reply
  37. Gay betch says:

    Love you betches so much

    Posted on Reply
  38. Anonymous says:

    Hahaahaha thanks, and you are just a jealous fatty. Xoxo

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    Um , you stole that from Aggie girl problems

    Posted on Reply
  40. skinnybetch says:

    You girls are fat…fatty, fatty acids. Show your fat faces!

    xoxox lylas

    Posted on Reply
  41. Wow says:

    I happen to enjoy Tyler Perry movies and find them hilarious. That is a matter of opinion, and honestly I feel like some of the ridic comments on this website prove how simple-minded some people are.

    Posted on Reply
  42. BoineeFen says:

    How do you play Barcelona in this year?

    Posted on Reply
  43. Anonymous says:

    agreed! craisins are like the only acceptable “sweet tooth” food! anything else is just not ok and for fattys! ok thats a lie…craisins and fresh fruit but thats it!

    Posted on Reply
  44. Anonymous says:

    Please tell me all of this is a joke…..

    Posted on Reply
  45. Anonymous says:

    All I had to eat today was a salad, adderall, and my birth control

    Posted on Reply
  46. Drew says:

    So true. You look at the menu and almost all the salads have meat automatically! And lots of other crap that take away from the point of eating salad.

    Posted on Reply
  47. Busta says:

    halloween is the only day a girl can get away with looking like a complete slut and no girl can say anything! steroids

    Posted on Reply
  48. RisaenFole says:

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    Posted on Reply
  49. ummm says:

    I hate to be this person… can we hold back on glamourizing eating disorders? I know this website is largely and joke a should be taken as such, but mental health issues are pretty serious stuff.

    Posted on Reply
    • seriously says:

      Thank you. Its hilarious how ridiculous this is.. but eating disorders are not a joke

      Posted on Reply
  50. J says:

    I have to say betches, I’m a little disappointed with this one. A real betch eats whatever the fuck she wants, works out like a boss, and will always still look hotter than the desperate basic bitches trying to compensate their low self esteem with a sad ass looking plate of anemic vegetables that’s supposed to make them feel skinny. Also, salad is the cheapest thing on the menu. If you’re a real betch, you’re damn sure not picking up that tab, so you’ll order whatever absurd exotic item costs them the most money. Because you’re worth it. Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
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