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By The Betches on

So after going on the longest Spring Break ever, Revenge finally returned last night, tanned and ready to party. And party they did, with some of the weirdest most twisted soap opera-y plots we’ve ever witnessed on network television after 3 pm on weekdays. Between the prison fights, "The People vs. Daniel Grayson," and the intense love making (complete with roses), we literally just saw this episode on Telemundo.

But honestly it's been so long we almost forgot Revenge’s recipe for tantalizing Wednesday night drama: 1: Say something intriguing 2: Look dubious 3: Walk away 4: Turn around, pause, then look dubiously as you keep walking

 

revenge doubt I don't think we're at Day and Night anymore...

 

Amidst all these twisted plot lines, we have to admit we yearned for the simpler times when the cast did semi-normal shit. Like, where is Declan and his simple boyish misdemeanors, like crustacean theft? Confused as we were, we're getting a little tired of all the talking and creepy cellphones muploads. Isn’t this the Hamptons, shouldn't people be getting fucked up at South Pointe?

Call outs:

About this murder trial. It's about to happen...all of what? Two weeks later? Impossibly fast, in real life it would take years. And why is all this detective work going on in the Grayson kitchen?? Would you like a Caprese with a side of that alibi?

But despite their high-tech trial headquarters, the whole defense is still based on something Declan/Charlotte saw? This is like an episode of Law and Order: Special Retard Unit.

The sketch artist seems to have drawn a picture of Rufus Humphrey or Jesus Christ in a hoodie.

Who's the random bro that Vic was fooking? Why's he Gerard butler? Is he going to die and leave her letters that lead to Ireland? And what's with her walking around in this sheet? This is a poor guy's apartment, not a Vanity Fair shoot.

Bow-tie dude is back and he's ready to start blogging! This is just like Girls!

OH www.TheTreadwellReport.com is casually an actual site...so that's what ABC's been doing all month??

So after his big website launch Treadwell comes into Charlotte's house without permission and threatens to get her in trouble for pill popping...why isn’t she like GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE. Combined with his glasses, he's one tweed pant suit away from getting arrested for pedophilia.

But seriously chill Charlotte, no need to pop those Xanys so ceremoniously. And that's how we know she's not a real addict.

LOL Moments:

Such a small cell Daniel! But where ever do you keep your Polos and Sperrys!

Vic calls up this random semi-skinhead looking bro at a bar to get a message to "an inmate at Rikers." Why not try smoke signals? Morse code? A telegram? Dear Daniel. STOP. Mommy sending bottled breast milk tomorrow. STOP.

 

revenge doubt Boo fucking hoo

 

OMG I literally fell off my chair when they show Emanda and Daniel touching hands through the visitor glass... oh Romeo! ...oh inmate!

I love how these shows make up weird software for messaging. It's called iChat. Get a fucking Mac. Pretty sure you can't make your screen name 'anonymous' but somehow everyone is always fooled! Treadwell is like, oh shit who is 'anon'? This isn't the usual crowd in my singles over 40 Slingo chat.

Where does everyone on this show get their gadgets? Borrow them from Spy Kids? "I wonder how this creepy pic I took of Victoria getting an envelope at the bar will look on instagram!?" – Emanda

As Emanda is beating up the skin head man man man: This is for Jack...and that, was for Daniel. ::gives hand job::

Emanda's monologue at the end..."but in the wild...the female species can be much more ferocious than their male counterparts...this was girl world...the fighting had to be sneaky."

 

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18 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    i hope charlotte and declan’s break up is permanent. she’d be so much more of an entertaining character as a rich druggie. i can’t wait for declan to fall overboard while on jack’s boat and get chopped up by the propellers. or eaten by sharks. something, anything!!!

    Posted on Reply
  2. em.j. says:

    He’ll always be the gay kid from Gossip Girl

    Posted on Reply
  3. lounge betch says:

    I am pretty sure Victoria arrived in the elevator shaft wearing a sheet. It’s like instead of removing your shoes, you have to remove your clothes to enter the warehouse artists apartment.
    Also, how did Jack drive to montreal in like an hour? I hope he delves into the Canadian culture and discovers their love for blacking out and never goes goes back to his boring sober bar.

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  4. itsbetchhere says:

    This is like an episode of Law and Order: Special Retard Unit.


    i dieddddd

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    Too bad Jack’s boat is a F’ing sailboat. No propellers betch

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Declan getting chopped up by propellers? harsh

    Too bad Jack’s boat is a sailboat.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Lol says:

    Mommy sending bottled breast milk

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    No fucking way the treadwell report is an actual website! hahaha

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Are we not nodding a head to the casualness with which Conrad and Victoria accepted the $10million bail?
    Victoria - “oh thank god…..$10million is peasant change”

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Combined with his glasses, he’s one tweed pant suit away from getting arrested for pedophilia.

    This isn’t the usual crowd in my singles over 40 Slingo chat.

    OMG hilar.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    Oh you know so much about boats! Sailboats have propellers, dumbass.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    charlotte is a total betch. beyond rich, pretty, great clothes, skinny, smart, able to get whatever guy, casual trips to candyland everyday. I never really noticed until this episode. On the other hand, Daniel is just becoming really annoying. like a 5-year-old girl. Way to ruin your hotness/ proness with an unbearable personality.
    also… the two guys emanda likes are jack and daneil. Jack Daniel… coincidence? or a sign of the love of drinking that is the hamptons

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    im a montreal betch and i approve this message

    Posted on Reply
  14. l0lz says:

    Treadwell is like oh shit who is ‘anon’?

    hahahahhahahahahahahaha

    Posted on Reply
  15. alisonh says:

    how did you forget to mention Victoria’s leather S&M necklace during Gerard Butler sex scene????????? What was that?

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    Um… Sailboats have rudders, no propellers. By nature of beng a sailboat they can’t have another motor. Fail

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  17. rao says:

    your recaps make this show worth watching. fucking hilar.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    actually most yachts have motors in addition to sails and rudders, how else would you back into your yacht club slot? Duhhhh

    Posted on Reply
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