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By The Betches on

On the rare occasion that the #14 date over winter break or the summer turned into an actual relationship, a betch will sometimes temporarily become a less cool and pretty version of herself and be completely consumed by her boyfriend. Suddenly, she’d rather stay in and watch Casablanca than roll face at Tiesto. Weird, we know. No one wants to hear about how sexy her boyfriend’s bangs look pushed back, especially when they could be raging at the bars, drinking shooters and soaking up each other’s awesomeness. The only thing better than a betch with a boyfriend is a betch without one. The post-breakup betch is very similar to the #7 token crazy friend who is fond of #5 diets, #10 Candyland, and bros. After all, the post-breakup period is a betch’s time to shine. The newly single betch needs to show all those bros, especially that asshole who let her go, that she’s single and ready to mingle.

While nice girls may be heartbroken over a recent relationship and do horrible things like binge eat and cry in fucking public, the betch is over it. Whatever, his nose was crooked, he had a small penis, wasn’t that rich, his hairline was receding, and he was too close with his mom. She has no need to drown her sorrows in Taco Bell or waste her time making up revenge fantasies, because she knows that she was better than him in every way and there’s always another bro around the corner. The post break up period consists of a series of events designed to re-release the betch into the wild.

Step 1: The Breakup Diet. Some girls think a breakup gives them a free pass to stuff their face with chocolate and ignore their workout routine. A betch knows otherwise. There's never an excuse to be a fat loser. She knows that she was too good for that dumb bastard who lured her in with lavish dinners at STK and bottle service at Tenjune. She will use this opportunity to become even hotter, if that’s possible. The Breakup Diet is your basic, run of the mill anorexia/exercise bulimia assisted by a liberal intake of Adderall.

Step 2: Deleting Your Ex-Bro from BBM. This is critical because you will avoid #13 Sunday Morning Regrets by drunk BBMing him whilst blackout which could possibly embarrass you. Extra betch points for embarrassing him in public. Making him cry at the bars is a classic.

dawson's creek

Step 3: Being (or Appearing to Be) a Ho Fosho. Wear your sluttiest freshman year outfits that border between nudity and prostitution immediately following the breakup. A betch knows she looks good naked, now it’s time for someone else to. This will also come in handy when posing with every bro in a ten-foot radius of her at the bars who she #8 hasn’t (or maybe has) already fucked, while her betches (perhaps secretly) snap pics. It goes without saying that her ex is creepily lingering in a peripheral area attempting to make eye contact while she shoots him a look that says, “you can go shave your back now.”

Step 4: Defriending Your Ex-Bro on Facebook. Of course, a true betch only does this after Sunday. Sunday, glorious, Sunday. The unofficial day for betches everywhere to upload their pictures from the weekend of debauchery into Facebook albums aptly named something along the lines of “Grundle Sweat is for Winners” or some other nonsensical and clearly inappropriate title. The point of waiting until after Sunday is to show her ex how crazy her weekend was, with 50+ photos of her practically nude, surrounded by hotter, cooler bros. When all is said and done, the post-breakup period is a wonderful time for a betch and her besties. She returns to her former glory while her ex-bro unsuccessfully patrols the freshman bars for a less hot version of her to take to his formal.

For the unfortunate bro who let a true betch slip away, beware, you’re not dealing with a nice girl. She will make you more hated than Mel Gibson performing a Chris Brown song while wearing Ed Hardy at a Hitler Youth Convention.

 

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20 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    don’t think I didn’t catch the Mean Girls reference. “You’re hair looks so sexy pushed back” bam.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    This thing is packed with Mean Girls references. Love it.

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    Know their mean girls references. Love it.

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    I became the post-breakup betch of my friend group last semester, and it is the best thing ever. I think I’ll maintain this status as long as humanly possible, excuses for everything

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    in BBM it said you were losing if you delete the ex-bro from BBM but here it says you’re winning if you delete them? which is it?

    Posted on Reply
  6. Stoney Betch says:

    Ashley,


    You can re-add him when he tries to re-add you weeks later

    Posted on Reply
  7. Broken Up With Betch says:

    This post just sums up my life right now. Lost 10 lbs (anorexia and lots of adderall) and being a ho fo show - gotta show those boys I’m back and better than ever!

    Posted on Reply
  8. ItalianBro says:

    Doing any of that is just going to make your ex find some new sluts to bang. If you really want him back, Just chill give it a week and then try some of the stuff above to a way downgraded degree. We’ll come to you if we want it, don’t try and initiate it. luck

    Posted on Reply
  9. Regina says:

    ... Seriously my life right now

    Posted on Reply
  10. Jamie says:

    Your comment just proves that men are fucking stupid and you just clearly can’t read. A real betch wouldn’t get back with a guy who gave her up because a betch isn’t a desperate loser and we know that there is always going to be a guy who is hotter and has a bigger penis. So no we won’t give it a week we would allow ourselves to have a good fucking time instead of acting pathetic and waiting around for you to realize how fucking amazing we are. So get over yourself “Italian bro” go fuck some freshie skank

    Posted on Reply
  11. um says:

    crazy

    Posted on Reply
  12. PBB says:

    This is so uplifting. Was gonna stay in and eat chocolate- f that time to put on my skimpiest dress, highest heels and rage!

    Posted on Reply
  13. Olivia says:

    I was gonna stuff my face til I remembered wine and Xanax can fix everything.  Nothing tastes as good as thin feels betches

    Posted on Reply
  14. LavoBetch says:

    tenjune? no one goes to tenjune besides fucking guidos from jersey

    Posted on Reply
  15. LADY says:

    I feel like some one has looked into my soul. YES.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Umm says:

    Hi, this is unbetchy but I’m sorry. The Hitler reference is totally unnecessary at the end.  Totally ruined a perfectly betchy article.

    Posted on Reply
  17. calliebop says:

    I need the break up diet!

    Posted on Reply
  18. idgaf says:

    i never delete an ex because i literally do not care to invest time in performing that action

    Posted on Reply
  19. hahahano says:

    Hilarious because any girl reading/writing this is clearly just salty over losing her guy. Girls read garbage like this to convince themselves they don’t give a fuck, guys actually just don’t give a fuck. Have fun pretending to be people you aren’t.

    Posted on Reply
  20. PrincessBetch says:

    hilarious!! this is my life currently true to the T!

    Posted on Reply
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