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By The Betches on

Lets be frank and call a spade a fucking spade. Whether you're in your tweens, teens or twenties, you shadily watch Pretty Little Liars. If you say you don’t, I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you, which probably isn’t very far, fat ass.

This show is Mean Girls for the age of cyber bullying, with a murder mystery back-story worthy of Sherlock Homo. Everyone already knows that we cannot resist a show that takes place in high school, with twenty and thirty year old actors playing people half their age, giving pretty much every acne ridden teenager a deep-seeded urge to get elective plastic surgery before they graduate middle school.

With the summer premiere of the third season, we would just like to take a second out of our busy schedules of shopping online and talking about our lost respect for Perez to give PLL a virtual “hey, girl."

Pretty little liarsTwins!

We fucking die (much like all of the supporting cast members ) for this show because it truly does have it all. For instance, alcohol that gets you wasted but also leaves you completely able to perform life saving tasks, the dumbest parents you will ever meet, and the most scandalous teacher-student PG-rated porno.

This epic tale surrounds the over dramatized lives of five teenaged girls: Uber Betch Alyson Dislaurentis, Art Freak Aria Montgomery, Rich Nerd Spencer Hastings, Former Fatty Hanna Marin and Ambiguously-Raced Swimmer Lesbian Athlete Emily Fields. One summer, after sitting on the Iron Throne of Rosewood for thousands of years, Alyson gets black out and goes missing. Being dead is so in right now.

Yada fucking yada … we all know what happens, it's irrelevant. The best is when....

They realize they've been terrorized, instead of screaming and running for their lives, they just decide to check their text messages and make pouty faces. Also, why must they read the text sooo slowly and say A's name in unison, like... YOU ALL KNOW WHO IT'S FROM, run the fuck away.

Can't they just like, turn their phones off?

Spencer is all like, "I can tell that A’s use of iambic pentameter means that she’s most likely hiding in an obscure location that will only be introduced to the viewers in the second half hour of the show." It’s like, okay A, we get it… your teen angst now has a body count. We do commend you on your use of metaphors that are painfully obvious and scary as shit.

Pretty little liarsBlind people are so crafty.

 

The fact that they all have a perfectly new manicure every day of the week, yet spend the majority of their lives frantically texting and/or digging shit up just completely boggles my mind. Like, where does one find such a sturdy Shellac?

Pleasant Looking Actors in a Supporting Role:

If Ezra Fitz was my teacher, I would never skip class. But what kind of name is Ezra? It sounds like something a senior citizen would name his dick.

There have also shadily been two Jason DiLaurentis(es?), and by shadily we mean that ABCF spent zero time trying to find a replacement who even remotely looked similar. This was confusing as I am always high when I watch this show and totally thought Alyson had like 2 bros.

And can we please talk about Toby? Like I've been dying to publicly complain how he can't even possibly pass for ugly hot. The best part is, the producers are so obviously aware of their flaw in casting that they try to compensate for Toby's 'shovel in face' look by making him walk around shirtless. But like, it doesn't work.

Also, how pissed off must Aria's mom be that she got Chad Lowe and not Rob. That's def why she moved out of the house. Your dad and I only fight about you Aria, but it's totes not your fault that we're getting divorced.

Pretty little liars

You know what must be extremely annoying for Emily (the straight actress)? Having to constantly make out with butch female swimmers/joint rollers. Apparently, the only way they could make the gorg Shay Mitchell a believable lesbian is to have her character build houses for poor people during the summer.

Shady fact, the hotel where A or Mona's lair was in is actually the same set as Merlotte's. Consider your mind blown.

So betches, we don't need to tell you to watch Pretty Little Liars because you already do. Just know that we understand your fear that one day all of the people on whom you've stepped in your life will come together and like, overcomplicate the way in which they plan on murdering you.

And finally, thank you PLL for cutting up each season into multiple highly necessary parts to better suit our Adderall prescription schedule.

 

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36 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    Betches, are you gonna be doing recaps of PLL every week??

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    Recaps please?? Fucking love this show

    Posted on Reply
  3. Fellow Betch says:

    SO happy you guys are covering PLL now.  I am a twenty something that loves me some “twenty and thirty year old actors playing people half their age, giving pretty much every acne ridden teenager a deep-seeded urge to get elective plastic surgery before they graduate middle school.”

    So excited!

    Posted on Reply
  4. skajdhsad says:

    best fucking post of all time

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    “your teen angst now has a body count” and alyson’s “Iron Throne of Rosewood” ugh YES

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    I am so so glad you guys finally posted about PLL! Much needed. I’m 20 and watch it every week with my fellow betches. Our friends who make fun of us for it just aren’t true betches or else they would totally understand that it’s like the best thing ABC Family has ever done.

    Posted on Reply
  7. anon says:

    game of thrones reference? sooooo betchy…

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    omg love it!! “Like, where does one find such a sturdy Shellac?” but really….

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    this show is pathetic. they all suck as actors, waste of time.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    yesss…pll recaps betches!

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    “blind people are so crafty”

    love it, keep it up!!

    Posted on Reply
  12. njnic says:

    Thank you for addressing the abundance of shirtless Toby because I thought I was the only one who thought he was BUSTED.

    Posted on Reply
    • Nicole says:

      RIGHTTT like omg they were trying SEWWW hard to overcompensate with the shirt thing TOby should just go

      Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    SO GOOD! please do recaps of PLL every week

    Posted on Reply
  14. anonymous says:

    Pretty Little Liars, really? What’s next, Secret Life of the American Teenager??  Nice girls like ABC Family shows, nice girls.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    When I think of PLL, I think of all the nice girls at my school in sub-par sororities sitting around the tv going, “OMG, that’s SO you!”.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    agreed! betchy mom face off: Victoria Grayson vs. Cersei Lannister

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    a- fucking- maze.. not surprised.

    Posted on Reply
  18. me says:

    I hereby request that you do at least one post on Game of Thrones seeing as you obv watch it

    Posted on Reply
  19. anon says:

    i mean, i was being sarcastic

    Posted on Reply
  20. actually a betch says:

    sooo- wish this post were longer. a is the betchiest of us all. she deserves her own post. write one asap

    Posted on Reply
  21. Penny says:

    Toby looks like an Olson twin

    Posted on Reply
  22. Yummy says:

    Every normal girl that I know loves this show. Like seriously how can you not?

    Posted on Reply
  23. Ashley says:

    dead. so fucking true.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    Please stop this show is awful no wonder wggs exist they don’t want to watch these garbage shows with you

    Posted on Reply
  25. Maracas says:

    yes they do. thank you.

    Posted on Reply
  26. betchy says:

    If Ezra Fitz was my teacher, I would never skip class. But what kind of name is Ezra? It sounds like something a senior citizen would name his dick.

    hahaha dieinggg RECAPS!

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    We obvs all secretly watch this show.  Recaps please?
    Also most of this is spot-on, but as for the stuff on Emily—I mean, lesbians CAN sometimes be hot, just saying.  The more annoying thing is how they make her wear like baseball tees and jeans every ep while the other girls have wardrobes that are like 80% amazing 20% ridic, just to try to make her seem more gay, I guess.
    Good call on their manicures always being totally perfect and changing like every two days.  Also they each get a new phone like every 2 episodes.

    Posted on Reply
    • Anonymous says:

      I’d back you up here
      surprise, betches can be gay too!

      Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    Let’s be real—the cast is super hot, the dialogue is hilar, and some of the shit A does is genuinely creepy.  Also they wear super betchy like $5000 outfits to high school every day.  Who really cares about the acting?

    Posted on Reply
  29. MP says:

    Do you need to abbreviate everything? You seem like 15 year old girls trying to fit. It’s annoying.

    Posted on Reply
  30. What the fuck? says:

    Why is it that all of a sudden NO ONE on this site can spell, bloggers and commenters alike? It’s actually embarrassing to be reading this right now.

    Posted on Reply
  31. Sick says:

    OMG Heathers reference. I’m in love.

    Posted on Reply
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