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By The Betches on

Betches, take a look around you. Chances are you’re #23 pregaming with the same group of besties you’ve been drinking with since freshman year…of high school. Is this problematic? Nope, because betches love not branching out.

Generally speaking, betches should branch like a palm tree: not at fucking all. We don’t know shit about gardening, but would do you want your social life to imitate the elitist trees of Beverly Hills or some bushy thing in a forest. Fucking thought so.

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Of course, betches recognize the importance of not branching out. Practically every girl with a phone worth more than $300 is lining up just to be your group photog, muploads division. It’s about being selective. When’s the last time you saw Mary-Kate hang out with anyone other than Ashley?

So why don't betches branch out and meet new friends?

It's because when you make betchy life choices, you'll be surrounded by betchy (aka the best) people. Betches don't make dumbass unbetchy life choices just for the sake of seeming nice or open-minded or diverse. This is your life, not a fucking Self article. Between 18 and 28 there are lots of important party albums to be tagged in, with names like "tequillllaaa we go hard."

Do you really want to miss out on that for an opportunity to be tagged in an album called "Istanbul" with a girl named Anne who is wearing man sandals? Gross.

Every betch knows there’s no greater pain than meeting a new person who doesn't understand your jokes or why you have your dad's cc number memorized. No it's not in case of emergencies, what am I poor? Or even worse, having to explain things about yourself like why your look is called ombre-chic. Getting to know people outside of your bestie circle is like writing an essay and having to start it over again, for no fucking reason.

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Think about the moments that a betch might branch out. Then see how easy the decision is not to.

1) College choice:

Nice girls go to: Muhlenberg, Brown, The US Merchant Marine Academy

Betches go to: The Big 10/schools in a big sports conference, Ivy League, a state school in your home state, Cornell

2) Abroad choice:

Nice girls go to: a quaint village in India or Africa to help the impoverished learn English

Betches go to: anywhere your besties are going obviously, this post is called not fucking branching out.

3) Post-college career choice

Nice girls go to: a lab where they can work long hard hours for no money in an effort to like, discover plant molecules or hide their fat under a lab coat

Betches go to: PR, Marketing, maybe law school, anything that’s easy to quit once you get knocked up

Remember, not following your betchy instincts is a great way to end up at some girl's wedding in rural Ohio who you met in an English Lit section, watching her fat home friends actually eat the meal they serve.

 

 

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82 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. t.obetch says:

    betchy post…but you left out power betches. there’s nothing more badass than a betch with an MBA. probably the most cut throat field besides fashion. Ivanka Trump is a business betch icon.

    Posted on Reply
  2. lindsay says:

    As a UPenn betch I love that Cornell is listed separately from the Ivy League.. #safetyschool.

    Posted on Reply
  3. <3S says:

    *3) Post-college career choice

    Nice girls go to: a lab where they can work long hard hours for no money in an effort to like, discover plant molecules or hide their fat under a lab coat

    Betches go to: PR, Marketing, maybe law school, anything that’s easy to quit once you get knocked up*

    graduated: 2010, married: 2011, currently: “working” in marketing virtually from home (thanks dad), plans to retire: as soon as we start “trying” to have kids…

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Darling, UPenn is a great school…but barely Ivy.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    Too perfect! Ohio may as well be #The Ugh of the US…Thanks again Betches!

    Posted on Reply
  6. Adventurous Betch says:

    Not branching out isn’t betchy, its boring. Who wants to be forever attached with the exact same circle of people you met when you were 13? That’s almost as boring as marrying your high school sweet heart that you met at 16. Exclusivity is great, but where’s the adventure, betches? The girl you describe in this article is not a betch, and definitely not the girl I’d ever want to be.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    agreed. Branch out, but only branch out with other betches. Any real betch knows how to be exclusive and pick and choose friends in a way that will expand her social circle.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Ak says:

    I coudlnt agree with you betches more!! Who wants to replace their betchiest friends with subpar acquaintances. Settling for less is NOT what we prefer nor do, therefore, keeping your betchiest friend all your life is the way to live.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    they always do that, it’s so annoying. I’m a fashion PR/marketing betch, with plans to get an MBA…. and this is just stupid. I’m not going to quit when i get “knocked up”...because power betches never quit, they hire nannies.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    amen to that, not branching out at all is for losers who can’t make new friends

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    Check your facts betch…UPenn is Ivy.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Emma says:

    As though Upenn isn’t

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  13. sorority betch says:

    So, as any true betch knows, if you didn’t branch out in college you would still be forced to pretend to be friends with the fugly freshman floor you were assigned to (with the esception of your hot #85 freshman roomie - who was hand picked) Sorority recruitment = the ultimate branch out.  then you can pick your exclusive group of besties from the most exclusive girls on campus .

    Posted on Reply
  14. Used to be a follower says:

    Used to follow this site for the laughs, but the lab coat joke was a little ridiculous. On average, scientists make like 5x higher salaries than marketing/PR/bullshit degrees so being a betch might be fun in college, but i don’t think being pathethetic the rest of your life post-graduation is worth it.

    Posted on Reply
  15. seattlebetch says:

    i hate all these east coast references. obviously i know the ivy leagues but what the fuck is Muhlenberg????? the west coast is way betchier than the east coast. sorry about it

    Posted on Reply
  16. Princeton says:

    You were my safety… welcome to the trinity

    Posted on Reply
  17. question says:

    betches, can yall just tell me WHY the hell Big 10 is the Betchiest? Like helloooo welcome to the SEC?! I remember when I shopped at Old Navy. Nope, I don’t.  Big 10 is like okay and all but TRUE BETCHES come to the South. Fucking DUHHHHH.

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  18. lily says:

    i guess i don’t completely dissagree with the power betch statement .. but ivanka come onnn hideous name hideous face ..fucking gross

    Posted on Reply
  19. Med Betch says:

    love the site, but like the comment above pointed out, any betch sporting a lab coat is def gonna make more than a PR or marketing betch these days. I’m Pre-Med and will sure as hell not be “hiding my fat under my lab coat.” Fuck that. Sorry I’m like, you know, smart and shit.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    you’re the pathetic one here honey ... have fun being ugly doing boring shit the rest of your life while you HAVE to work and I dont winkbetches dont have to take boring majors… we get to choose the fun ones that you are jealous of .. fucking loser

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    hahahahaha omg this is great ... wait i hope this comment was a joke .. because if it wasnt i feel bad for at the sad soul that believes this garbage <3

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    please tell me you don’t actually sound like this in real life, wait you’re from the south, you probably do ..

    sounding like a hick is not betchy it’s just funny for people to laugh at

    Posted on Reply
  23. Krissy says:

    Betchy school list is not complete without Vandy and Emory, sooo fucking betchy—anyone whose ever visited would know.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Molly says:

    Muhlenberg is such a random school to reference…are you site authors main-line betches? If so this site is the biggest joke.

    Posted on Reply
  25. RealityCheck says:

    True betches yadda yadda yadda. Clowns. True betches don’t fight w strangers over the internet over who went to the better school since they had so much fun at theirs it doesn’t really fucking matter.  This is all for funzies…

    Posted on Reply
  26. Jenni says:

    You’re from the south. Shut up, you’re not a betch. Go back to doing weird southern shit and sounding/talking like a freak.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    true betches don’t spend hours slaving away in a lab trying to get some med/science/whatever degree. lab coats are not the new pink. betches have majors that directly relate to their everyday lives like… marketing (love the new diet coke cans), PR (connections helloooo!), general business (bc you can probs do whatevs you want with that), etc etc. not saying that science and medicine aren’t important (they are don’t shit yourself) but… true betches don’t choose careers where they wear crocs and lab coats… not saying it’s a conscious decision but that’s just what it comes down to. have you ever met a true betch who aspires to find a new species of rocks or like do open heart surgery? no. you haven’t. bc they don’t exist.

    on the branching out thing… betches aren’t going to go around parties recruiting every girl they see with a cute outfit on. there’s girls out there who may look the part from the outside, but turns out in high school they only blacked out like one time on new year’s senior year and got grounded for it. and the only white drug they’ve seen is like prescription strength aleeve in their mommy’s bathroom. this isn’t saying betches are mean… this is saying betches aren’t desperate.

    Posted on Reply
  28. JLEE says:

    ‘or why you have your dad’s cc number memorized. No it’s not in case of emergencies, what am I poor?’: Head Betches, I’d like to see something about Betches being women who can take care of themselves….my husband has been a douche lately and I’m considering leaving his ass…thank God I can support myself. If I were to get money from him sweet, but if not, that’s OK. I’m not going to beg him - or anyone else (Dad included) for money. Taking care of yourself is betchy. Just an opinion.
    http://www.jlee5879.wordpress.com

    Posted on Reply
  29. D says:

    that comment was totally uncalled for. commenting on posts is to prove a point or be really fucking funny. not like talk shit behind your computer screen to someone you don’t even know—that’s for fat internet trolls, not betches.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    word girl- shes obvi not a betch if she doesnt know that.

    Posted on Reply
  31. ew says:

    umm not branching out? hanging with the same betches from your hometown the rest of your life? LAME! it’s called networking. and knowing everyone is better than knowing the same five losers your went to high school with. people who don’t branch out suck.
    100% disagree with this post.

    Posted on Reply
  32. BostonBetch says:

    Real betches meet new, powerful betches. True betches HAVE to branch out in order to climb the social hierarchy in their city to become a true socialite. I mean, how else are we going to get invited to high profile events and meet our #62 Pro investment-banking future husband? Networking is everything. So get out there, throw on some #90 high heels and #41 the fake smile and start creating alliances with other power betches!

    And AMEN to whatever betch posted above: “power betches never quit, they hire nannies.” AMEN!

    Posted on Reply
  33. Real Ivy Betch says:

    UPenn, like, barely made the Ivy League. Totes at the bottom of the totem pole.

    Posted on Reply
  34. anonymous says:

    Lol @ Cornell. If I wanted to go to the armpit of the Ivies I’d probably be a nice girl. Or fat.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    A true betch wouldn’t have to climb a social heirarchy. She’s already at the top. Duh.

    Posted on Reply
  36. lillianna says:

    even though that isn’t whatt comments are for .. even if it were… i was proving the point that we don’t need to work to make the money that you do, doing a boring job. eek guess i struck a nerve? haha ..

    Posted on Reply
  37. anonymous says:

    You sound like such an idiot, an unbetchy idiot.

    Posted on Reply
  38. Anonymous says:

    or just cares too much

    Posted on Reply
  39. Boston College says:

    I go to Boston College and I am currently a communications major.  Don’t call marketing/pr a bullshit degree.  Betches are personable.  And you simply don’t seem personable enough for my kind of job.

    Posted on Reply
  40. C says:

    I def don’t agree with this. True betches get all the hottest party invites, go and know most of the people there because they have like sweet connects. That shit sure as hell isnt going to happen if u only chill with the same betches from high school. Not that they cant be your main betches but your only ones? That sounds like a textbook nice girl to me. EW.

    And lab coats are sexy. Nothing sounds better to me than being the hottest Dr. in the hospital…can I say Greys? And the super betchy combo or brains and beauty will seduce any Pro and like isnt that the point.

    Posted on Reply
  41. Anonymous says:

    so true, a power betch is someone like Rachel Zoe, business savvy and it’s all fashion. Hence the foray into fashion power betchness…ivanka trump resembles a tranny

    Posted on Reply
  42. Anonymous says:

    Your comment on “being pathetic the rest of your life/bullshit degrees” is just as ignorant as the one made about lab coats. Just as much as the head betches may have pissed you off with the lab coat comment (which happens to be true) your little comment has rubbed me the wrong way. Your communication skills clearly suck, good luck pitching a product to Vogue and getting it covered. That’s what I do every day, I dictate what you fucking wear (not that you even know what Vogue is…lab coat…ew.) What the fuck do you know about PR? Any degree is difficult to obtain and use intelligently. You’re an idiot.

    Posted on Reply
  43. Anonymous says:

    no one watches Grey’s Anatomy stop. lab coats are not sexy. business suits are sexy.

    Posted on Reply
  44. Anonymous says:

    lmao right, whatever it provided a laugh

    Posted on Reply
  45. United States Merchant Marine Academy... says:

    Nice girls don’t go to the Merchant Marine Academy, if you’re a girl and you go there it is either because you’re lesbian or you’re a fugly slut who knows you have a chance of snagging a guy there because of the dismal male to female ratio.

    Posted on Reply
  46. Anonymous says:

    New York, Miami, and LA are the betchiest cities in America. Not even up for fucking debate.

    Posted on Reply
  47. Jenni sucks says:

    Weird southern shit like spending our daddy’s money, enjoying our beautiful well dressed southern men, and being prettier than the rest of the nation? Sure, I’ll gladly go back to doing weird southern shit. You can go shave your back now.

    Posted on Reply
  48. Anonymous says:

    Original “southern betch”- you sound/type like an idiot. Shut the fuck up, you’re making us look bad. Hey jenni- I assume you’re a dowdy northern betch whose idea of dressing up is putting on cherry fucking chapstick. The southern betch is probably the best kind of betch there is. Weird southern shit? I know basic concepts like mani/pedis and, like, showering may be foreign to you, but I’m bored of this argument so here is my point: you fucking suck. I think Lisa Frank might be having a sale, check it out.

    Posted on Reply
  49. spsiner says:

    betches go to expensive all-girls schools not state schools. ew.

    Posted on Reply
  50. Anonymous says:

    Hey remember when you lost the civil war, winning only fried chicken and creepy beauty pageants while we got industry AND better schools? hahahaha good times betches, good times.

    Posted on Reply
  51. Anonymous says:

    excuse me, I am a proud Alum of Merchant Marine academy class of ‘72. I am HAPPILY married to my husband of 30 years. Betches get knocked up at merchant marine academy, even in the 70s, yes. The party scene was pretty happenin’ in my day even without the sweetest connects. I will stand behind my institution if its the last thing I do!

    Posted on Reply
  52. Head Bitch says:

    EASTCOAST totes made the definition of betch. i mean where do all the japs live?

    Posted on Reply
  53. POWERBETCH says:

    the trinity is where its at (Harvard, Yale, Princeton.) - Explanation for the slightly slower betch.

    everything else should be considered a state school.

    Can BETCHES please get on the POWER BETCH bus? itstime…

    Posted on Reply
  54. BrownBetch says:

    Why do only nice girls go to Brown? We’re in the top 4 Ivies, have a great economics #62Program, don’t have any requirements besides those of our major, and can take anything we want pass/fail (hello, not doing work). We’re #5ano, have crazy #10candy-filled dance parties (when we aren’t hopping the train to the City on weekends), and are great at not fucking our bros, who dress really, really well. Maybe it’s time for a post on the hipster betch? Not that any of us would admit to being one, but, you know…

    Posted on Reply
  55. candy says:

    what is a train. you are not a betch. LOL

    Posted on Reply
  56. Anonymous says:

    Muhlenberg is a school your betch ass would never get into keep your west coast betching to yourself because everyone knows majority of great academic schools are on the east coast ... sucks to suck

    Posted on Reply
  57. Anonymous says:

    who the fuck cares if you go to a “great academic school?” it’s not like i am getting a fucking job, ever. i am marrying rich and never lifting a finger

    Posted on Reply
  58. NH betch says:

    Lab coats aren’t just worn by lab scientists nerding away in petri dishes. They are worn by the Betchiest of all Betches—doctors. So eat that all you PR/marketing betches. You know you wish you got the fucking respect that comes with wearing one with your Torre Burch flats smirking at you from below.

    Posted on Reply
  59. Kelsey says:

    These stupid comments are ruining this site.

    Posted on Reply
  60. Anonymous says:

    Muhlenberg is where Jews go when they can’t get into a real school. Think Tulane, but not as fun and cold… Duh, betch.

    Posted on Reply
  61. Georgetown Betch says:

    *Tory Burch
    and so true! Look at pharmacists. By 24 you make $120,000 a year for standing around looking betchy in a lab coat while the computer does all your work for you.
    And its easy to quit when you have kids/ only work whenever the fuck you feel like it.
    Ditto with Doctors.

    Posted on Reply
  62. Sarah says:

    ^ Lol do people this dumb really exist? hahaha

    Posted on Reply
  63. Anonymous says:

    You wouldn’t know Muhlenberg existed unless you went there.

    And if you were betchy enough to go there…you already know there’s nowhere betches pregame harder, work less, or take more muploads while they’re abroad in Barcelona.

    Posted on Reply
  64. Robin says:

    Betches also read this post and say, “Sorry I’m Not Sorry!”

    Posted on Reply
  65. betch says:

    pretty sure she’s talking about taking amtrak to nyc

    Posted on Reply
  66. John says:

    You are all pathetically pretentious

    Posted on Reply
  67. Anonymous says:

    Please, betches. Working in labs is an excuse to keep partying. Graduate school is like college all over again except you get paid for it and there is free alcohol. There’s also a fuck-ton of sexy foreign (the sexy not FOB kind) men in science.

    Posted on Reply
  68. lab coat wearer says:

    wrong. i am a lab coat wearer and we do get paid shit to work long hours accomplishing nothing. if you’re lucky you get a good post doc position but you still live in your lab, and that’s after years of getting your degree working longer hours still for a shit salary. and you do get fat.

    Posted on Reply
  69. wowyourgay says:

    the funny thing is most of you are probably all really ugly…so now you are not only really ugly….but also brain dead based on what I have read above. CONGRATULATIONS SLUTS!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  70. Anonymous says:

    I’m sorry I’m not sorry that your high school friends sucked.

    Posted on Reply
  71. ali says:

    You guys DO realize that this entire site is a SATIRE, right? Look it up in the dictionary if you don’t…
    In other word, this site MAKES FUN of bitches, it writes funny posts poking fun at girls who are like that girl described in the post, up above…
    So don’t take anything too seriously, girls wink

    Posted on Reply
  72. nyubetch says:

    totes agree with all the other betch schools but… NYU should TOTES be up there. it is probs the betchiest. we pay excessive amount of money to go to school and not to do any work but go clubbing with male models. like fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  73. wut says:

    all girl colleges are for lesbians and nice girls who don’t know how to talk to guys…not betches

    bc is pretty betchy though

    Posted on Reply
  74. lol says:

    yeah betches love my betches

    Posted on Reply
  75. Anonymous says:

    Cornell is an ivy league school

    Posted on Reply
  76. su says:

    not branching out is for people who realize they suck so much that if they tried to branch everyone would reject their ass

    Posted on Reply
  77. Role says:

    Of all the sites and blogs I’ve seen, yours truly sucks. Did you get Indians from India to do your site for you? Lol

    Posted on Reply
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