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By The Betches on

How many betches can say that they call their besties by their real names? The answer is like, NONE! Why? Because names like Sara and Jane are fucking boring, and a betch is always looking for ways to ease her boredom. For all of you nice girls and betch-haters, this might make it difficult to follow along in a conversation with us. For example…

Betch 1: So like, can you believe SW hooked up with AW!?

Betch 2: I thought he was hooking up with that girl… fuck! What's her name? She kind of looks like a smurf... whatever, smurf girl?

Betch 3: Ugh, who the fuck cares? Today I saw JM wearing these like, bigggg framed trendyyy glasses. She totes can’t pull those off. Quel dommage!

But nicknames are not only restricted for talking about other betches. Betches find nicknames most useful when talking about betch-haters, bros, bros they hate, bros they fucked (or #8 didn’t fuck), etc. The best part about nicknames is that you can basically # 1 talk shit about someone when they're standing right next to you, as long as their nickname isn't so completely obvious.

Why are nicknames such an important part of The Betch Life? I mean, think about it, we all do it. There’s just nothing we find as funny as naming a girl who’s fro resembles an unkempt vagina, “Bush,” as we like to call her. Come on, we all know that girl.

What about that freshman slut named Jen who’s already so fake-baked and done so many drugs that she looks like she’s aging backwards? Hello Jenjamin Button!!! The nicknames betches come up with not only give us a giggle whenever we mention them, but they allow other betches to see our creativity and allow us to talk shit even without any real news to talk shit about.


jenjaminOMG look, it's Jenjamin!


When it comes to guys, nicknames tend to be less derived from their appearance and are more typically based on experiences with them. That guy who fingered your best betch on the dance floor at Valentine’s Day formal last weekend? We think his name is Eric, but we call him FINGER BOY!!! Hahahaha SOOOO funny!!!!

Oh, and the guy you hooked up with who had the unusually small penis? Sorry boys, but you're now known among our betch circle as "baby dick."

That guy you text when your main bro is out of town or not responding to your blackout BBMs? He might as well be plugged into your phone as "Plan B." Sometimes it’s just so hard to keep track of all the people we know!

Another common type of nickname, most often used by younger betches (Betches-in-Training), is the friend group nickname. How many betches are in your crew? Seven? OMG I loveeee The Seven!!! While this is considered betchy and cool in middle school, it’s more of a nice girl betch-hater thing to do as you get older. So if you do this past 12th grade, you should probably take it off your AIM profile.

If you're cool enough to be talked about or lame enough that you just can't look away, you probably have a nickname. Just watch out because it only takes one fashion faux pas or premature ejaculation to be permanently branded by a betch.



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13 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    Story of my life. My best betch dated a guy with a millimeter peter and we called him “nub” or “nubbs” once they broke up. Nicknames are the shit, just like us betches.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    This is too flippin’ funny! I can totes relate! -TM

    Posted on Reply
  3. Brat says:

    this website is my incredible. i’m elated that i finally have a word to describe how i have been acting my whole life.

    Posted on Reply
  4. HELLS YEAHH! says:

    This is so unbelievably funny and true! One of my best betches dated this guy very briefly (none of us betches were very fond of him from the start anyway), but the straw that broke the camels back is when we ran into him at a Mardi Gras parade last year, and the guy was wearing a FUCKING NAME CHAIN!!!! You know, the big gold ones from 1997 that you wore when you were in 5th grade? Yeah, one of those. Needless to say, his name no logner exists in the mouths of my betches and myself and his is only referred to as “Name Chain”.

    Posted on Reply
  5. FUG says:

    Loves this post. So many nicknames for fug bitches.

    Posted on Reply
  6. I am pocahontas says:

    the betches and i only speak a bro’s birthname if we A. have known them since before their balls dropped or B.  were actually impressed with their bedliness in god…  or something like that.

    here is a short list of what we call the other ones
    Jawline Kid
    The Grower
    Bike Patrol
    Showers McTavenaugh
    Gingie 1
    Gingie 2
    Airforce guy
    Thing 1
    Angry sex
    Vagina Cutter
    Golden boy
    Asian Bruce
    Captain Kirk
    Lieutenant Dan
    Frat Daddy
    Big DIck Freshmen
    Cowboy Evan
    Merica Evan (neither of their name’s were evan, we’re like 82% sure)

    this system is perfect, because we never remember their real name anyway, and if we see them on campus, BOOM. The brown out that was our weekend comes back !

    stay classy, betches

    Posted on Reply
  7. newBETCHontheblock says:

    so funny/betchy. There’s a pube-haired girl at my school (vom) and my main betch and I call her loofa. And short fug girls are typically given nicknames like “troll,” “midge,” or “nug”...will def use “smurf” sometime. thanks betches!

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    In college if your friend group has a nickname it’s almost always the initials of all the betches in the group. like for a group of friends named Ashley Sarah Meredith and Brittany, you’re ASMB and you make a beer pong table with that spray painted all over it in pink glitter paint. just how betches keep it real

    Posted on Reply
    • a says:

      what kind of betch is named meredith…...? seems like ASMB really stands for A Shitty Mock Betch

      Posted on Reply
  9. KappaKlassyG says:

    No, thats what twelve years olds do
    Also, why do you have a bp table?
    And who says “keep it real?”

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    honey you sound like a freshman. Every sorority liveout that wants to have parties has beer pong, and a table so they can play beer pong… you’re fucking retarded.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Doll says:

    Oh my Gosh! I love this one > “What about that freshman slut named Jen who’s already so fake-baked and done so many drugs that she looks like she’s aging backwards? Hello Jenjamin Button!!!”
    And I just thought of someone who I can totally call Bush!

    Posted on Reply
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