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By The Betches on

When was the last time you thought, "Oh maybe I'll read a book that doesn't involve sex, drugs, or Lauren Conrad's autobiography." We bet it was back in sixth grade when your mom told you that if you didn't read at least one book this year, you'd end up working at McDonalds and wouldn't be allowed to watch So Little Time. If this site existed back then, you could've responded with "Sorry mom, Anne of Green Gables is for fucking nice girls, I'm a betch." fake cosmo Betches don't read books, we read magazines. With a few exceptions like Chelsea Handler, books are for geeks, the President, and Matilda. Oh, and they're great for trading in for cash at the end of each semester for weed money.

But since it's a little mind-numbing to only read your phone and this blog all the time, sometimes it's nice to hold something with actual pages. That's why they invented magazines. (And the book we're writing, casually.)

No, we're not talking about National Geographic or fucking Time. The last time we were interested in reading about the demise of the Democratic party it involved cum stains and a blue dress. We're talking about magazines that feature articles about nail polish and how fat Jessica Simpson is getting. Some say that these magazines provide unrealistic standards of beauty for America's female youth. We say, thank God. Time to stop coddling those fatties, Obama.

working out picMagazines also provide us with inspirational quotes

Betches love magazines because they're either about you or about celebrities. If you're reading Cosmo, it's about you, but if you're reading US Weekly it's about someone almost as cool.


Magazines are great in helping you achieve those Zen moments, like when you're on the elliptical or getting a pedicure, and you've decided to put your phone away. You can become enthralled by interesting phenomena like how Miley Cyrus is just like you because she once went in a taxi, or how the #92 love triangle between Brangelina and Jennifer Aniston is going...still.

Why would you read about the deficit or the healthcare crisis when you could be getting People Mag's on-site therapist's professional explanation of why Reese's body language showed that she was totally over Jake. It's so obvious how that one picture of her walking two feet behind him clearly forecasted their impending demise.

As famous author Pro Mark Twain once said, "Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life." We're sure he meant magazines, but Vogue hadn't come out yet. Be fashionable, be trendy, be worldly. Read magazines.

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68 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Molly says:

    Come on pick it up, this post is sub-par guys. I love the site but your posts don’t seem as well thought out as they used to.

    Posted on Reply
  2. anonymous says:

    only magazines worth reading are Cosmo and US weekly. every betch knows that

    Posted on Reply
  3. ProThanksYou says:

    I want to thank my gf again for pointing me out to this site, or soon to be ex gf. I buy her all sorts of stuff, am a good looking guy, very successful, and am now in an LDR with her. I want to give this site a thumbs up, because it really shows me how much of an absolute trashy hoe my gf is, after reading this garbage it seems she tries to follow it. Lol, no more Louis or Burberry for a certain someone, and definitely no more taking shit from her for absolutely no reason. I hope all of you realize that after 30 *IF you are good looking (which to be honest no you are probably just pretentious hoes) your looks go downhill. And then, since your mid twenties you have been reading this garbage and following it you will have missed out on the perfect “pro” because of following the authors advice. Not only that, but you will be that old hag that is sitting at the bar, wondering why no one is hitting on her; newsflash everyone knows youre a pretentious stuck up “betch” and no one wants anything to do with you, and all of your friends know you are as fake as it gets because of the way you have been treating all of your past relationships. Kudos to you have made me realize my girlfriend is a dirty pretentious slut who does not deserve me and I will now be breaking up with her; you “betches” are not worth anyone’s time and any “pro” you get with must be a sucker for putting up with all your bullshit.

    Posted on Reply
    • LOL says:

      ok Nice Girl trolling in hopes of making us feel bad about ourselves. Not sure what “pro” you know that uses abbrevs like LDR (or that would bitch about a girl in paragraph form….on fucking betcheslovethis) but no one’s buying it.

      Guess you can go back to shaving your back now.

      Posted on Reply
  4. Abby says:

    I agree, this had the potential to be a super funny post but I’m not doubled over in laughter like normal.

    Posted on Reply
  5. bec says:

    So Little Time + Lewinsky reference, “deciding to put away your phone” = spot on.

    Posted on Reply
  6. lily says:

    if this isnt a joke, i feel sorry for your poor soul .. you must truly suck ..i stopped reading about halfway through and honestly that was 2 minutes of my life that i will never get back ..

    Posted on Reply
  7. Molly says:

    Man your girlfriend obviously shot herself in the foot on that one if a website SHE pointed out to you, pulled the blindfold off.

    Posted on Reply
  8. ProThanksYou says:

    Hell yeah she did, was not really a blindfold as I kind of felt she was turning into a bitch for quite some time, plus the funny thing is I have backups lined up who are better looking, more successful, and have a better personality. Shot in the foot for sure, can’t wait to see the look on her face when I dump the “betch” and then post pics of me and the backups up. I hope you all take a lesson and truly grow up or atleast take this site as satire as opposed to a manual to live by.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Wait… you’re straight?

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    did you have to google to find designer names?

    i think you’re doing us betches a favor by staying away. we wouldn’t want to date you anyway. not because we’re too shallow but because you have no grasp of the good life and that this website is meant to be for laughs.

    if your gf was taking this blog seriously, you guys deserve each other.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Sorry says:

    Magazines are fab but I’m not a dumb betch.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    you’re really going to upload saved pictures to make her jealous after you dump her? hahaha omg. we eat people like you for breakfast

    Posted on Reply
    • cherry says:

      ^ obsessed

      Posted on Reply
  13. OfCourseIwould says:

    I have done much worse to ex girlfriends, sending them pictures of me getting with other girls stuff like that. And no I would upload those to facebook, which I know you “betches” like to stalk. And from what I see on this website I am willing to bet the majority of you are not good looking, you’re just stuck up and think everyone owes you something. I would say 99% of you are not good looking, if you were you would not be wasting your time on a website reading about stuff you already know and do. Regardless, thanks, I was too good of a person to realize that dumb “betches” like you existed, too naive to realize this and now that I do I will be on the lookout and stay the hell away from girls (as obviously classy women would not even think about reading this garbage; hence I said girls instead of women).

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    And you, ProThanksYou (who intentionally uses “lol”), will one day be a sad, lonely little boy writing a fucking novel on a betchy website to vent your feelings about why your betch left you. Oh, wait…

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    i’m sorry, this is fucking hilarious, i would give anything (no, i wouldn’t) to see who is sitting behind that fucking computer screen. are you going to reply to me too? keep going, “pro”... keep going

    Posted on Reply
  16. Kristen says:

    omg can you please fucking stop?
    yes we’re all hideous and lonely. we’ve come to this site for consolation. great. we get it.

    so question is, what the fuck are YOU doing on here as a male? jesus christ. you don’t like us we don’t want you.

    i’m a loser so i’m on this website. and if you’re so much better than go do better things with your time than trashy ugly girls. we’re insecure as it is

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    If you have to read a website to figure out what type of girl your gf is you have bigger problems.  No one cares about your relationship problems.  Sorry you don’t have friends to talk to.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    lmaoo. agreed. what kind of pathetic loser is he to give us a novel on his break up? nobody here gives a fuck about it.

    if my betchiness is preventing guys like him from talking to me, then i’m going to keep doing my shit

    Posted on Reply
  19. Danielle Vichinsky says:

    Cosmo is for the inexperienced betch that needs to read articles in order to please their “spouse”.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Sarah says:

    Idk, I think a good betch reads Vanity Fair and Vogue to keep up on classy high fashion, the elite world, and scandals beyond sub par celebrities…

    Posted on Reply
  21. kbetch says:

    Haha “Pro”—you realize that if your gf is actually a betch and you actually bought her Louis on the reg then you are what the head betches would call a nice guy.  On behalf of the betches of America, I want to say to hold your head up sweetie! I’m sure if you buy her a Chanel clutch, she’ll consider staying with you.  Good luck!

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    cosmo is hardly betchy. Vogue is the true betch mag

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    Um you clearly don’t know anything… People is 10000 times better/reliable than US Weekly

    Posted on Reply
  24. judge me says:

    It’s just a website. Looks like someone needs an Rx “cocktail” a la Kim Richards.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Really? says:

    Cosmo, really???  Betches only read magazines that feature clothing, accessories, and jewelry that are “available upon request” - not love triangles about white trash that hit the lotto (Kardashians, Megan Fox, etc.) and some DWTS bullshit. 

    The only magazines betches read are Town & Country, Bazaar, Vogue, Elle, Veranda, Elle Decor, and Architectural Digest—and have been reading these since they were seven at Bailey’s.  It’s betch research for where and how to spend daddy’s amex and their future pro husband’s dime decorating the house and being the betchiest milf for years to come. 

    Think they feature what Moncler jacket to be scene in at the Eagle Club this February in Cosmo or US Weekly?  Right.  Take a lap, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Lane says:

    ughhh I think the posts have been consistintly funny since this site has come to Earth. Perhaps the only thing that has changed is that its humor is now suited for a much higher intelligence level than the ones stupid twats like you have. I think you need to focus on other things…. like what color winter hanky panky panties you’re going to buy this year,  as well as if Obama’s new law covers plastic surgery under the free health insurance for all citizens of the Americas now.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    Can we talk about how the betches are writing a book?

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    Excuse me while I go vomit & pretend I give a fuck about your life.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    Betches can spell.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    well your entire post was just undermined by the fact that you spelled *seen wrong in the first sentence of the last paragraph. you should probably figure it out and get yourself a dictionary or spellcheck. I’m sure they don’t make many grammar mistakes in architectural digest!!

    Posted on Reply
  31. Anonymous says:

    So, let me get this straight…you read this site, then take it to heart and decide to dump your girlfriend over it because you suddenly realize she’s a betch? How did you suddenly realize this if you’ve known her for some time? And also, you fell right into it by buying her Burberry and whatever the hell else so don’t act so high and mighty you little insecure brat. Good, go break up with her and do the poor girl a favor. I bet she’s already cheated on you anyway…I sure would have.

    Posted on Reply
  32. SexyLibrarianBetch says:

    Anne of Green Gables was totes a BSCB (but a betch nonetheless) who had her bro completely whipped.  Also, Cosmo and US Weekly are acceptable trashy entertainment for when we find ourselves in the pedi chair wearing juicy sweats and hiding behind a venti skinny latte waiting to hand over daddy’s plastic to our therapist aka Asian nail technician…....but they aren’t substantial and elitist, so not technically betchy by nature.  Vogue = betchy.

    Posted on Reply
  33. Brainy Betch says:

    “it’s like that book I read in 9th grade that says ‘this a far far better thing doing stuff for other people”

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    Agreed.  Betches can also form an articulate sentence.

    Posted on Reply
  35. to Anonymous says:

    You’re a moron and clearly not a betch for completely failing to comprehend the pun.  Good luck trying to figure out Eagles Club via Google spell check or the dictionary because judging from your embarrassingly evident lack of betchiness, I doubt you can afford AD after you spent five dollars on a footlong at Subway.

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    Eagles Club sounds fucking stupid…you’re def a (non) betch from a fly-over state.

    Posted on Reply
  37. haha says:

    i lol’d at this because i had just scrolled through most of it to see the next comment

    Posted on Reply
  38. Ali says:

    LOL!! You are a pathetic little man, why are you trolling Find a hobby, stop sobbing to us about your stupid problem, it’s like whatev, we’re totes over it…wait we never cared. Get off our site.

    LOL @ your life. smile

    Posted on Reply
  39. Lex says:

    You lost the game, you care too much.
    Read two lines of your gay story, gave me a headache.

    Posted on Reply
  40. Anonymous says:

    Good post. Not the greatest, but solid.

    Book OMG when?

    Why are little boys crying on our site? At least it’s giving me something to laugh at while I’m pregaming with my betches. lol. LOVE this site!

    Posted on Reply
  41. lol says:

    it took you 2 minutes to read half a paragraph? dumb bitch

    Posted on Reply
  42. Anonymous says:

    “Time to stop coddling those fatties, Obama.” ahaha please write a book. seriously.

    Posted on Reply
  43. Anonymous says:

    The Anne of Green Gables reference just made my day!

    Posted on Reply
  44. Anonymous says:

    When you break up w ur gf bc of hilarious posts you read on, youre done. Is this a sick joke?!. And if ur girlfriend takes this site seriously she doesnt understan satire, and shes a fucking tard and needs to reevaluate her life as well… Lmao

    Posted on Reply
  45. Anonymous says:

    not using the word “articulate” correctly. Betches may not like doing work, but it would clearly benefit you to pay attention in your freshman level grammar class since you are clearly taking it for a second (or third) time. So not betchy to sound like an idiot.

    Posted on Reply
  46. hi haters says:

    the “betches” are so retarded. fucking dumbasses

    Posted on Reply
  47. lily says:

    why yes it took me 2 minutes to read two sentences you dumb fuck .. obviously not

    Posted on Reply
  48. Anonymous says:

    cosmo is in no way betchy. cosmo is for fucking teenagers. betches read vogue and other similar publications, but mostly just vogue. as if i need any tips on how to please my man, or where to find cute shoes for under $50…vom all ovs the place

    Posted on Reply
  49. Anonymous says:

    no..books are great. if that stops making me a betch. i dont care

    Posted on Reply
  50. other betch says:

    I love how bitches always correct each other on spelling… so a bitch misspelled one word. big fucking deal. is that the best you got? and what’s even more retarded is how the bitch that cant spell always tries to write it off as a “pun”. *SCENE* bitch… you’re just a dumb bitch and so is the other bitch that called you out on your spelling.

    Posted on Reply
  51. Anonymous says:

    i love how he stopped responding because he realized what a pathetic loser he is for the constantly replying to comments.

    at least you came to that realization. and nobody on here gives a fuck about your personal life but thanks for the affirmation that we’re of higher intelligence than you

    Posted on Reply
  52. Anonymous says:

    Wrong. I don’t waste my precious time reading fucking Architectural Digest trying to figure out how to decorate the mansion my pro buys me; I hire an interior decorator like a real betch. “Research” is not part of my vocabulary, it sounds like something a fat nerdy nice girl does to get through college.

    On another note, you are trying way too hard to advertise yourself as some refined betch. As the other betches stated, betches already know they’re the shit; they enjoy the discreet, “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. Amateur.

    Posted on Reply
  53. Anonymous says:

    I’m surprised there was no reference to the Dan’s Papers.. Summer in the Hamptons anyone?

    Posted on Reply
  54. lol says:

    your words, not mine, slut. oh, did that set off? let’s see the paragraph of shit you have to say back, that probably took you an hour and a half to write plus proof read. hahahahahahaha

    Posted on Reply
  55. Adi says:

    Why does every comment have to pick apart each post?
    You come here to read them, so you know they’re awesome.
    Stop pretending like you actually care… cause a true betch wouldn’t.

    Posted on Reply
  56. anon says:

    awww look, bitches figured out how to use the internet :3

    Posted on Reply
  57. anonymous says:

    people magazine is fucking boring. are you insane?

    Posted on Reply
  58. Anonymous says:

    wow a guy posts in here! i mean since when was this site made available for guys? betches gotta stay together when a guy acts like that!

    Posted on Reply
  59. Anonymous says:

    articulate can also be used as an adjective.

    Posted on Reply
  60. JLEE says:

    I was thinking the same thing!

    Posted on Reply
  61. grammarnazi says:

    it’s “seen” - not scene

    that’s twice you are incorrect, betch

    Posted on Reply
  62. Anonymous says:

    People don’t actually act and talk like this, right? If you girls do, you’ve got to be joking. There’s only room for one Malibu Barbie bimbo in this world; she’s 8” tall, plastic, and gets thrown in the trash after age 10. Also, try to form sentences without using profanities. When you enter society and have to be a real person, the practice will have come in handy.

    Posted on Reply
  63. Anonymous says:


    boyfriend, whoeveryouare, if you read this site and then realized your girlfriend is a bitch, why on earth would you think the rest of us would give a flying fuck about your issues?

    grab a tissue and move on. that’s all.

    Posted on Reply
  64. so true says:

    I only read books that come out once a month.
    Or like, [US] weekly

    Posted on Reply
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