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By The Betches on

It's 11 am on Saturday morning. You pry your eyes open between the layers of mascara attached to your face and awaken to realize this is not your bedroom. This is not anybody's bedroom. This is the fucking hallway outside your apartment.

The last thing you remember is having a very public makeout session with your back burner bro at the bars before throwing up all over him and telling him that you hated that shirt anyway. You quickly decide to look at your texts to see who else you pissed off the night before. After manically throwing the contents of your Chanel bag all over the floor while attempting to piece together your night, you realize this is a lost cause. You've lost like, all your shit. Like, where is your iPhone? Where are your keys? Where is your left fucking heel? Dunzo. Congrats betch, you've mastered the art of blacking out and losing all your shit.

 

girl angryBut I looked SO SKINNY in those pictures

 

Losing shit when you're drunk is not the same as when you're sober...obviously. Most of the time when you lose something soberly, it's like oops I left my credit card at the restaurant, or SHIT where did I just put my phone!? Oh it's in my hand.

Losing shit doesn't really get serious unless you're blackout and make decisions like 'ugh I gotta take my jacket off, this shit is seriously obstructing guys' views of me' and 'My phone is attracting too much attention from the croc-wearing herbs at the bar, I'll just put it on the floor..'

We've all been there, and when we say there, we mean the morning after when you can't find your camera or your underwear. I mean, being a betch is hard enough, why does everyone expect us to keep track of all our belongings? You're mad I 'misplaced' your leather jacket? You're like soo materialistic, I mean it's not like I lost like, a person!

Speaking of losing people, remember the time you woke up that morning to all your besties frantically texting each other, uh where's Melissa? And a couple hours later you find her sleeping in the mail alcove of your apartment building…

 

girl angryLast night was crazy. Where the fuck is my pacifier?

 

Anyway, there are always haters like parents and poor people who are like 'ohh you're so irresponsible. You don't know the value of a dollar blah blah blah." But I mean, any Wharton graduate can tell you that fiscal responsibility is for those without any fucking money. So while normal people might waste time trying to hunt down the things they lost, a betch just orders new shit. We don't even tell our parents, we just embezzle money from our own bank accounts in order to buy the item again without our parents noticing. "Mom, TOLD you I was getting a new phone. You must've been barred out, AGAIN. YOU'RE so irresponsible."

So betches, you should never feel too bad about losing something really nice, because if it's nice and trendy, it's probably going out of season soon anyway. Think of losing shit like the casualties of any great war. In the war on sobriety, there are certain sacrifices we must make. As famous pro Abraham Lincoln once said, "we highly resolve that the shit you lost last night, has not been lost in vain." Just take it from Betch 2, last night she lost her dignity, and one porcelain veneer.

 

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33 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Betch says:

    Holy eff. This post may be your best yet. Totally describes my life perfectly.
    “A betch just orders new shit. We don’t even tell our parents, we just embezzle money from our own bank accounts in order to buy the item again without their parents noticing.” YEPP countless clutches, phones, cameras, ids, money, lipgloss, birth control. Who cares if we lose stuff? I mean Betches do have the most fun. Worth it.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    I’ve had the same phone for 3 months now.. My friends/Parents/Me are so happy for me! But St. Patrick’s day is coming up, and it’s on a Saturday. Which equals rageX2, and probably the death of my phone. Oh well

    Posted on Reply
  3. mnbetch says:

    this is my life to a T.

    Posted on Reply
  4. helpfulBetch says:

    before your next blackout get the where’s my iphone app, seriously. When you inevitably lose it just have a friend who was slightly less blackout text a key phrase (mine is the name of our fav bar) and your phone responds with a googlemap link showing where it is. Helped track down my phone on the windowsill of a house I have no recollection of ever being at….

    Posted on Reply
  5. Male says:

    This site is pathetic. As if women weren’t getting bad enough. Now we have a site to encourage them to be even bigger whores and bigger bitches than they already came.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Nicole says:

    This is probably the greatest idea yet! I always lose my stuff… describes me and my friends lives.  Who ever thought of this is great.

    Posted on Reply
  7. FEMALE says:

    Are you bitter you never got a BJ or do you have no second degree humor?  It’s not bitch it’s betch first of all. And this isn’t a site it’s a blog, you don’t like it? get off it.
    And betches aren’t whores, they embrace life.
    Why aren’t betches allowed to #blackout the way pros do?
    loosen your thong, go out and embrace life. Don’t be a hater.

    Posted on Reply
  8. TrueBetch says:

    You’re just mad cause you have small penis and could never get a betch

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    I like to think of the site as satire, then it is really quite funny.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    do you know what satire is? look it up.

    Posted on Reply
  11. TOTALBETCH says:

    Love this. Haters always on me because I lose my shit but its like if I have the money to replace it, what gives? I totally can relate to Anonymous, my parents and friends are so proud I’ve had my phone for a month and a half now. Good work betches!!!

    Posted on Reply
  12. RagingBetch says:

    I had my iPhone4S for 37 days… just over the warranty ... fml. I’ll learn one day.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    must be a back burner bro and/or a member of the Untouchable Caste

    Posted on Reply
  14. Noworriesbetch says:

    no worries betch just get insurance on that phone and you’ll be golden next time. I mean we are too busy of betches to learn how to keep track of things unless they are attached to our bodies.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Scrawlz says:

    This site is empowering and a JOKE. Ya know, kind of like your penis? Or the last date you had.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    Freakin’ hilarious! Made my afternoon.

    Posted on Reply
  17. awesome says:

    hahaha I had a friend who would actually break her phone every time she drank. Someone gave her a fake phone as a joke because of it.

    The funniest was when I lost my keys and was like “no worries, I’ll just cab all the way back downtown and sleep on my friend’s floor!” Love you betches <3

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    You are probably one of the many ugly losers that are secretly in love with us.  The betch you spend your lonely nights fantasizing about probs called you a looser or pointed out your tiny boner in front of other people. I would feel bad for you but I don’t sympathize with strangers. Especially if they’re ugly.

    Or maybe you’re a fat ugly lesbian who is in love with us. Or a fat girl who is jealous of us.

    Geez, it’s not our fault we are so popular and everyone is love with us

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    uuugh so true, except for when you borrow (read: take without asking) your betchy mom’s jacket and lose it when you were blackout…

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    nvm.. lost my phone last night. ironic!

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anymouse says:

    i really did lose my left heel one time. epic.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Bored Betch says:

    or when you take dads credit or moms debit to the bar and lose them and you have to pretend you weren’t blackout and that somebody mugged you. a criminal came after me in the bar mom and dad, I promise.

    Posted on Reply
  23. zlkjxcf says:

    no worries betch just get insurance on that phone and you’ll be golden next time. I mean we are too busy of betches to learn how to keep track of things unless they are attached to our bodies.leather jackets

    Posted on Reply
  24. zlkjxcf says:

    So betches, you should never feel too bad about losing something really nice, because if it’s nice and trendy, it’s probably going out of season soon anyway. Think of losing shit like the casualties of any great war. In the war on sobriety, there are certain sacrifices we must make. As famous pro Abraham Lincoln once said, “we highly resolve that the shit you lost last night, has not been lost in vain.” Just take it from Betch 2, last night she lost her dignity, and one porcelain veneer.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Judge Me says:

    This intern/new writer has got it. For once, they weren’t TTH.

    Posted on Reply
  26. yeah right says:

    why the hell is there an add for payless shoe store on here????

    Posted on Reply
  27. 2ligit says:

    betches put this shit all over my fb. idk if i should hate you for blowing up my spot or love you for understanding the audacity of my sick life. The one thing you forgot to mention is how betches think our iphones are waterproof.

    Posted on Reply
  28. hmm says:

    it is always great when the night ends with a broken bone. Glad thats happened to me - on crutches for 2 months (but that didn’t stop me from still going out). Oh the stories that have to be created to explain that to the family.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    I went through a phase where I would get blackout and then get paranoid that cops would come and question me about my fake ID. So I hid it in all sorts of places at parties. Usually I found it but one night I guess I figured a broken printer at a frat house would be the best place ever. Finally got that back 2 months later… whoops.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Lauren says:

    my life in a nutshell

    Posted on Reply
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