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By The Betches on

You're sitting there, your face and body are getting all hot and tingly, you start breaking out in a cold sweat, your heart is racing, and you’re trying to fight back the smile spreading across your face, but you can't. It's too late, you've come down with a case of Bieber Fever and there’s nothing from #10 Candyland to cure it.

We all have that friend who’s absolutely adored him from day one and has been begging you to see Never Say Never in 3D for months now. You agreed, not because you wanted to see what all the hype was about, but because Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler loves and flirts with him. Maybe you can even do a funny #6 mobile upload with those 3D glasses on, and if not, it’s still a great excuse to smoke weed and see a movie. Whatever.

You soon find yourself sitting in the theater, unable to contain yourself. The second you see the Biebs, you’re brainwashed like Derek Zoolander by fucking Mugatu. Then it comes to the slow motion hair flip. GAME OVER. You’ve lost it and you have full on Bieber Fever.


girls screamingDad in the back thinking: SHUT THE FUCK UP BETCHES! I just wanna hear Bieber!


Then you see Biebs singing to that girl on stage during “One Less Lonely Girl.” You find yourself in a jealous rage and you're screaming in a theater full of tweens and their moms, “BETCH, THAT BOY IS MINE!!!!” …And now your friend who dragged you to the movie is being an even bigger betch because she’s all like, “Uhhh, told ya so. I take all the credit because I discovered him first.” And you’re all like, “whatever, betch.”

Now you go home, purchase every song he's ever sang and hit up YouTube to watch every interview and video he’s ever made. And now you and all of your friends are posting Bieber-related posts on each other’s Facebooks. Bieber or Die.

What IS it that makes him so cute? That hair. That smile. That voice. He’s such a flirt and a ladies' man. There should be a new word to describe attraction to Justin Bieber. BACK THE FUCK OFF, SELENA. Is it weird that we’re actually attracted to him? Uhh, no, he’s a heartthrob, so what if it makes you a certified cougar? Okay, so it’s creepy. I don’t care. It’s Justin. Pelvic thrust.

You want to know everything and anything Bieber, but one day, when you’re at the gym because you're obvi on a #5 diet (Spring Break soon!), you glance at CNN and you almost fall off the treadmill. They’re saying that Bieber cut his hair! Legitimate news sources are calling this breaking news. This is an epidemic. RIP Hair Flip.


bieber newsEgypt what? Protests in Libya?


The minute you get home you immediately Google his new haircut. Fuck showering. You mourn the Hair Flip for a few minutes, but like... boy still looks good, for real. Then you find out he's selling his hair for charity (see, he’s soo nice!), and you decide this is where you cross the line and anyone who buys it is certifiable, even though you secretly want to sleep with a lock of his hair under your pillow.

We understand that bros are jealous. They should be. Overheard by a betch last weekend: “Justin Bieber is the only guy who does it for me”…her boyfriend was standing right next to her. For all you haters, just embrace it. It’s only a matter of time until you’re infected.

So, Happy 17th Birthday Justin!! Only 365 days until I can legally seduce you. Unless of course we're in Canada, where the legal age of consent is 14. Yeah, I Googled it, judge me. I'm gonna go put on my purple American Apparel hoodie, peace.



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12 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    this is honestly exactly what happened to me. like you couldnt have said it better! and it was so wierd reading this because its actuallyyyy the story of my life. superr job.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    Actually met the kid.. he is a bit short (im 5’7) but not gonna lie got a little wet haha

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  3. The Betches says:

    hahaha omg I absolutely love this! I just sent it to my best friend on fb because I made her see the movie with me and she would only come because i told her we would blaze before, obvi and then she saw the movie and fell in love! ..ill admit, im still a little more in love though. oh yeah, and I’m a 20 year old betch. cannot wait until march 1st! so happy you included the age of consent in canada though …kidding.. sorta. but fantastic job! nailed ittt.

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  4. The Betches says:

    my 14 year old sister is obsessed with him. i always made fun of her for it and was like whatevs until i saw never say never. OMG. lovelovelove justin now. he’s just too cute!

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    I love you justin can i kisssssssss you yr

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    I tried to call him once, but I couldn’t. does anybody know his number?

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    you idiotic bitch no u cant find his number…......

    Posted on Reply
  8. betch says:


    Posted on Reply
  9. dump or date? says:

    My friends dating one of Justins good friends…. Like he’s in cali now for his bday. But like does that make it ok that she’s 18 and he’s 16? He’s a total bro for his age
    (being like halfway through high school) as JBiebs bestie, and we are canadian betches so yaa its totally legal. But that age difference would obvi be a NO in any other situation.

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  10. C says:

    the legal age of consent in Canada actually raised from 14 to 16 in 2008… lol made me curious so I googled it too… your welcome betches! saving you some serious charges one google search at a time

    Posted on Reply
  11. emilie hennig says:

    it’s justins 18th birthday…get it together

    Posted on Reply
  12. PERFECTION says:

    this is actually perfect. i’m soo obsessed with you. (almost as obsessed as i am with the biebs)

    Posted on Reply
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