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By The Betches on

So summer has arrived and that means we're due for a change of beverage. It’s time to throw away your hot water with lemon in exchange for the ultimate heaven in a glass. Iced fucking coffee.

For a betch, iced coffee is an accessory. Ever since high school when we got our drivers' licenses, betches everywhere knew that the key to looking like the shit was strutting down the hall, dangling the keys to your new BMW and of course, sipping your gigantic iced coffee that you got on your free period. Iced coffee is the ultimate accessory because it goes with anything: sunglasses, summer scarf, iPhone, manicure, you fucking name it.

Some may wonder how a beverage can be a status symbol, but you haven’t really lived until you’re seen walking down the street with a six-dollar styrofoam cup of brewed beans.


Iced coffee is itself a diet because it keeps you full for hours. Every true betch knows the effective diet strategy of waking up at 1 pm, drinking a huge iced coffee, going to the gym, then coming home to nap before going out. Voila, your calorie intake for the day is equivalent to two tablespoons of skim milk.

For the super health conscious aka anorexic betch, unsweetened iced tea is acceptable, especially if it’s a flavor that Britney Spears was seen drinking in OK!

Having an addiction to iced coffee became a problem at only one point in our lives: abroad. If someone had told us that it was harder to find a quality iced coffee in Europe than it is to find Tupac’s killer we might have gone to like, South America or some shit. A cup of coffee next to a glass of ice? No thank you, ice melts. Fucking duh.

Speaking of abroad, let’s talk about some lessons we learned when we were over there. Who needs Ex-Lax when you have coffee and cigarettes? (So Euro chic! And my diet’s organic!) Cigarette from abroad, iced coffee from America. Eat outside while wearing sunglasses and you barely have to listen to the person you're eating with.

A true betch knows that you can NEVER order an iced coffee with half & half or sugar. Drinking iced coffee isn't an excuse to eat fucking dessert. If we wanted to have to throw up after drinking something we’d order fucking tequila shots. And none of this light frapuccino bullshit, we’re not in 7th grade.

For those of you who took debate class: Splenda vs. Equal. Splenda is way trendier and therefore better. We don’t know why, just fucking use it.

Now, some doctors and annoying people will preach that caffeine is a drug and we should limit our intake of it. It goes without saying that this isn’t an issue for betches. An addiction to caffeine is as big of a concern for us as Charlie Sheen’s children are to him. So if you’re not drinking Diet Coke, or the most expensive water you can find, iced coffee is the way to go. Start drinking hot coffee and you’re a hop, skip, and a jump away from wearing fanny packs and drinking cappuccinos with hipster freaks.


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24 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    Are you reading my mind? Preach it betch. If you could put iced coffee in an IV and pump it thru my veins I would be complete (saves the teeth).

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    agreed, love iced coffee. so if im getting vanilla iced coffee is that bad? like does it have alot of sugar

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    Sugar-free vanilla, you should know this.

    Posted on Reply
    • French Vanilla Betch says:

      Sugar Free French Vanilla betch… it’s the safest way to go abroad

      Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    Beautiful post, betch. Just totally beautiful.

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    To lulu.. Vanilla is bad unless its sug free… Don’t be a fattie betch

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    Europe is fab but living here without being able to buy iced coffee at every corner is almost like death. Don’t Europeans know that betches need their fix?!

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    You can find high quality flavored coffee to use as iced coffee that uses vanilla extract after the coffee is roasted. If you want to be truly decadent, then using a premium Hawaii coffee in your iced coffee is fantastic. You get a quality Ka’u region coffee that has little bitterness and you don’t need to add sugar or other sweeteners. I can’t suggest highly enough coffee that is roasted fresh when you order it.

    Posted on Reply
  8. gaybestie says:

    your post is fucking stupid betches dont care how its made they just care that its made and taste good

    Posted on Reply
  9. Ad says:

    I would think that betches want the highest quality things so the way it is produced would matter. A betch wouldn’t really know HOW it’s produced, but if it’s expensive then that means it’s good quality and good enough for a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Betch Betch says:

    Adderall + Ice Coffe + Diet Coke = most awesome day ever

    Posted on Reply
  11. T says:

    what are we, peasants?

    Posted on Reply
  12. MCall says:

    Seriously, where do you think we’re getting our coffee? Fatkin’ Donuts?

    Posted on Reply
  13. Lauren says:

    The part about Europe is soooo true. I asked for an iced coffee in Venice and they gave me an espresso shot and a little cup of ice. Like wtf am I supposed to do with that? haha

    Posted on Reply
  14. ridethespiral says:

    mix some sugar in and pour some milk over? duh?

    Posted on Reply
  15. duh says:

    You don’t even know how to spell “truly.” Stop being a hater

    Posted on Reply
  16. N says:

    Diet Manhattan Specials are to die for. For those who are not in the loop, they’re espresso sodas and they have you wired for hours. Like, feeling like you can do Superman’s job for a short period of time.

    Posted on Reply
  17. AA says:

    This is still my favorite betch post of all time. And @N- thanks for introducing me to DMS!

    Posted on Reply
  18. hannah says:

    you need a post on green tea, who wouldnt want to drink something that burns calories instead of putting them on!

    Posted on Reply
  19. cherry says:

    @hannah fucking straight, matcha with skim is the shit.

    lulu, it depends whether the coffee itself is vanilla flavored (no cals, they do something to the beans, idk what) or if they’re flavoring it with some kind of vanilla syrup (cals). ask for a skinny and you’ll be fine.

    Posted on Reply
  20. reality says:

    Wow. I’m embarrassed to be an american just reading what you idiots have posted. Please, sober up, you need to read a damn book and go do some community service. See what the world is actually like outside of your trust fund.

    Posted on Reply
    • BetchPlease says:

      If you think that this is an American thing then maybe it’s YOU who should wee what the world is really like. Fucker.

      Posted on Reply
  21. JewishBetch says:

    Iced Coffee in Europe may be shit but Israeli iced coffee is the shit. There’s iced coffee everywhere and you can’t go to Israel without having Aroma iced coffee, fucking duh. Just thought id clarify.

    Posted on Reply
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