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By The Betches on

Appearing down to earth and being prepared to master any situation are key to being a betch. Pretending to know about sports is a cornerstone for dealing with the opposite sex. Although we don't give a shit about sports, guys seem to. And in order to run any machine, you have to know how it works.

Extra cred if you can stomach a beer while doing any of the following: (just one beer, let's not get carried away)

kardashianShe doesn't even know what team he's on.

Know when to jump on the #1 talking shit bandwagon: This obviously depends on where you're from, and while betches generally don't care who wins, we definitely want our state to win. After all, we're the best, so our state should be champion.


But in generic terms, suddenly everyone hates Lebron. Not sure why, but we'll take any opportunity to talk shit.

Tiger Woods fucked his wife over? Scandy.

Loving your boyfriend's favorite team and knowing his fantasy lineup: So you can hope that Aaron Rodgers gets 150 yards and he'll be in a good mood and take you out to dinner.

Be knowledgeable about sports films: Movies help betches understand sports in an entertaining way by adding in scenes about things we care about, like parties, sex, and rich people. Some notable and educational sports films include: Remember the Titans, The Blind Side, Miracle, Happy Gilmore, Bring It On...

The sports people you're allowed to know and probably should know:

- anyone who's had sex with Kim Kardashian - Hank Baskett - Derek Jeter and A-Rod - Lebron James, Dwayne Wade - Anna Kournikova and the Williams sisters - Tiger Woods - Tony Parker - Michael Jordan, Shaquille O'Neill, Kobe Bryant - Andre Agassi - Federer and Nadal - Michael Phelps - Tim Tebow - Jeremy Lin

Oh, and Michelle Kwan

Olympic sports it's acceptable to watch:

- ice skating - skiing - swimming - if you're an avid fan of Olympic curling, you're not a betch.

Knowing how scores of various sports are distinguished: It's important to understand the distinction between scoring a goal, a home run, or a touchdown. You might not be invited to the next football tailgate after you feign excitement that the quarterback just made a goal kick.

You know too much about sports if: you know more than 6 players on any given team, you DVR actual games to watch when no other male is around, and you're involved in intramural softball.

Also, side note, the NAACP is not an extension of the NCAA. It's confusing, we know.


26 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. betch says:

    gymnastics? probs the best olympic sport to watch

    Posted on Reply
  2. Betchygymnast says:

    is pretty betchy. they don’t eat, wear tight clothes, and every bros dream in bed (flexible or whatever)

    Posted on Reply
  3. sarah says:


    that is all

    Posted on Reply
  4. Patriots Betch says:

    you forgot the sexiest man… Tom Brady!

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    This post is stupid.

    First, every betch should know the name of probably 3 notable players on any football, baseball, or basketball team in their city.  Hockey just doesn’t matter, unless you’re in New England, which is a whole other problem.

    Second, you have entirely failed to mention the social element of pros and bros with daddy’s or corporate season tickets… any betch in a respectable city should have some cursory understanding of these teams so as to seamlessly “fit in” when invited to watch or go to the game. Umm status symbol? Celeb watching?

    Yankees?  Mets?  Giants? Jets?—A true betch never REALLY shows an alliance, yet has basic understanding and apparel (bought by exes, of course) of each team.  You never know who your (n)ex(t) boyfriend will be rooting for and what box seats you will be not eating and drinking $10 bud lights in.

    Posted on Reply
  6. lj says:

    <3 exactly, this post neglected some key points. thanks for keeping them on their manicured toes.

    Posted on Reply
  7. GymnastBetch says:

    true fact. i have bros wrapped around my finger the second I mention I was a gymnast.

    Posted on Reply
  8. betch says:

    sexiest man alive should obvi be on the list

    Posted on Reply
  9. irishbetch says:

    how can Rudy not be on the movie list?  total disgrace…

    other than that, i totes love this post smile

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Really? No fuvking way should that abomination of a movie be put on the list. It’s like the fucking “sports version” of Forrest Gump—a poor, socially inept, retard who forever remains at the bottom rung of societies ladder. Only the most unbetchy of girls would be able to remotely accept/ appreciate a wanna be bro like Rudy.
    Fucking, no, just no.

    Posted on Reply
  11. whatever says:

    Khloe Kardashian is NOT a betch

    Posted on Reply
  12. k says:

    so i’ll consider this post to be of the okay variety.

    i love that miracle is on the movies to know list. it’s supes 63. american. and if something were to bring me to tears, it’s going to be a bunch of foxy college boys kicking some russian ass and making me feel like proud to be an american. 

    so if that’s like something i should appreciate, why shouldn’t i appreciate olympic hockey? someone explain (and not the bitch who thinks hockey, “doesn’t matter.” i’m obvi not trying to sit outside in the middle of summer for nine hours unless i’m #27 tanning. and if you’re doing that right, it shouldn’t involve a ball or bat.)

    love these posts. love they they are coming into my life more frequently these days. but like, let’s be consistent. okay?

    a little thought and proofreading is a well-written betch’s best friend.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Jlee says:

    Anonymous where are you from that hockey doesn’t matter? In Chi-town we looovvveeee our Blackhawks and have some hotties on the team.

    And of course a true betch shows an alliance. Betches have their mind made up! Go Cubs! Go Bears! We aren’t wishy-washy. If my dude is a Sux fan - sorry see ya later loser!!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  14. YESSS says:

    omg so true <3

    Posted on Reply
  15. J says:

    Shaun White should be on that list.

    Posted on Reply
  16. kbetch says:

    Rudy is about how nice people let an average non-pro have a moment in the spotlight.  Betches deserve to be on top because hello? we earned it! By being gorgeous, hilarious, and rich, we obviously have talents that should be celebrated.  Rudy was some poor, hard-working nice guy. umm eww

    Posted on Reply
  17. dylbert says:

    had only 150 yards, it would be a bad day and not help your boyfriend’s fantasy team at all…

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    gymnasts are the tits. plus they usually make the best college cheerleaders. which is basically the sporty version of a sorority girl.

    Posted on Reply
  19. truebetch says:

    obvi he deff should be, hottest athlete out there

    Posted on Reply
  20. Urmum says:

    Thanks for pointing that out.  I was thinking the same thing.  If betches are trying to help betches out, at least give them correct information to work with.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    I wish there was a “like” button

    Posted on Reply
  22. BostonBetch says:

    agreed. married to the betch of all betches, gisele. ladies take note, this is how it’s done.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Jane says:

    Y’all ‘betches’ are pussies. I’m a bad bitch & I love sports.

    Posted on Reply
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