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By The Betches on

There's nothing a betch loves more than judging people. No matter where you are or what you're doing, you can be sure that somewhere in the world there's at least one pissed off betch who's forming unfounded opinions about many others. Is a betch judging you right now? You better fucking believe it.

As much as we love to feel negatively about other betches, we realize that there's like, no real value in this because who the fuck cares? Instead betches use their skilled and sharp judgment for productive reasons. Namely this judgment is used to filter through the multitude of bros that think we're hot.

scott disickThere's a new spokesman for the Cabbage Patch Kids?

Making a judgement based on what a guy is wearing is kind of like assuming fat people are lazy, substantiated and very fucking accurate. Before the #43 haters start with the whole OMG YOU GIRLS ARE SO SUPERFICIAL THIS IS DISGUSTING rant...yes, thank you Observant Olga. Everyone knows that judging guys based on the content of their character rather than the color of their boat shoes is for MLK Jr. and Helen Keller.


Here's why the assumptions we make are almost always true: Whenever you see a guy wearing something questionable, we remember that he ACTUALLY bought this item, or worse, his mom bought it for him. A guy can be fashionably clueless but conscious of his appearance. However clueless and not giving a shit is a recipe for disaster.

Since betches have an astute eye for criticism, judging bros by their appearance should be easier than than a girl who's TGF on Blackout Wednesday.

Clothes: They say it all, but generally this is a taste thing. Preppy look, frat bro look, fake hipster look, surfer look, blah blah. It's all up to you, as long as he looks put together in whatever way he's going for. You know the brands you want to see.

Caveat: A guy could be perfect until he sports like, cargo pants or something. If by chance you carelessly overlook his mishap in wardrobe, we guarantee that when you decide to have sex with him, he'll be asking if you mind wearing elf ears while fucking to the soundtrack of Lord of the Rings.

Shoes: A picture is worth 1000 words, but a guy's shoes can write a mini fucking novella. Remember, if the guy doesn't give a shit about his shoes, why should you give a shit about him?

Elitist shoes: A betch will rarely reject a Sperry, unless the guy who's wearing them is particularly heinous. Loafers are cool, like the pro is definitely wealthy, but be wary of how much time he spends with his mom. Sure his Berlutis may say he's loaded but remember, gay guys can be rich too.

Flip-flops: If it's summer and the guy is wearing flip flops, that's totally normal. But if he's wearing them during the winter he's a fucking weirdo and will most likely Other summer shoes: Don't get us started on Crocs, wearing them out is the equivalent of wearing socks during sex. And unless you're Steve Irwin or trekking the Masada, leave your Tevas at home or forever be nicknamed Crocodile Dundee.

Streetwear or collectible dunks can be cool if a guy is rich and can pull off the faux-hipster vibe, like if he collects Les Pauls or is trying to start a clothing line called Crisp.

And if you stumble upon a guy wearing bright white sneakers he's straight from the ghetto or is a volunteer firefighter. Tell this guy to go back to 8 Mile and take his flat brimmed hat with him.

Hair: When it comes to judging a guy by his hair it's hard because every betch has her own taste. Long hair, short hair, blond or brunette. Any combination of these can go so right or so fucking wrong. If the guy's hair is longer, he can either be dirty hot or just plain fucking dirty, depending on the rest of his outfit. Like if he's displaying an oversized dark green coat and cut-out-finger gloves, he's either homeless or Justin Bobby on an off day. When it comes to short hair, as long as he's not bald we're down. As the saying goes: if he's not a skin head, you can give him head.

And we don't think it's especially necessary to delve into our opinions on things such as excessive bling, brands such as Ed Hardy or Hollister, or guys who wear rings. A betch prefers to think about these things the way she thinks about desserts: like they don't exist.


62 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. bee says:

    Love the How to Make It reference.

    Posted on Reply
  2. SrattyBetch says:

    the universal vomfest that is certain brands (read: Ed Hardy)

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  3. betchiest says:

    it’s always important to judge a guy, espesh with how he wears designer clothes.  if he considers ed hardy designer, hes most likely off the set from jersey shore. if he’s basically a walking ad for designers (has D&G across his shirt, gucci belt, louis vuitton shoes) and its obvious, hes probs gay. but if he dresses nice and has designer clothes that are subtle (maybe one hermes belt and the rest of the designers are listed in the tag) he’s most likely a PRO.

    Posted on Reply
  4. SO TRUE says:

    Or any of that shit that’s bedazzled/angel wings/gray curlicues/etc read: metropark men [although supposedly they are doing a re-vamp]

    Posted on Reply
  5. yes deffff says:

    you always have to be careful about the guys who dress too nice. they are most likely gay. yes a guy should have good style, but if its too stylish theyre definitely not straight. in which case they can be your GBF and you can go shopping with them.

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  6. Ashley says:

    Be-fucking-ware of a bald/shaved head. It basically says “hey im prematurely balding” or “Im a fucking hick, wanna see my Affliction shirt?” VOM.

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  7. Anonymous says:

    Love the Justin bobby reference, love this site

    Posted on Reply
  8. almost always. says:

    my bf dresses really well and people always think he is gay, but the truth is that he was raised by a single mom who drilled it into him that dressing well is important.

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  9. Anonymous says:

    This is soooo accurate. I just stopped talking to a bro? (he doesnt actually qualify) after he took me on a date and was rockin the most heinous pair of shoes. They were full on tennis shoes. With, like, an unrecognizable brand. I immediately felt nauseous. Dramatic? Maybe. But never underestimate the importance of a guy’s shoes. I was more disappointed in MYSELF for not spotting he was a loser to begin with. Naturally my betchy friends totes understood. Even empathized. My non betchy aka nice girl co workers… Not so much. Oh well. Next.

    Posted on Reply
  10. skinnygiraffe says:

    Failed to mention mens watches. Cheap/plastic watches are heinous and you can never take a man seriously if he is wearing one.

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  11. Bros Change says:

    When I met my PRO he was a BRO in college.  1st night he came over (sober) had the grossest white tennies and a college zippy, YUCK.  Total deal breaker. It happened to be right before TGivs that year… he came back with all new clothes… proving Betches can CHANGE a bro!

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  12. ab says:

    the justin bobby line was too funny
    side note: i used to like boys who dressed well, but then statred to notice that my “type” wasn’t just metro, it was homo. aka it was a problem.
    Now I don’t mind helping my guy dress better, it means he’s a dude who into ladies aka my type lol

    Posted on Reply
  13. Ummmm says:

    But he probably is gay and you just don’t know it yet.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Ella says:

    Fucking Perfect.

    Posted on Reply
  15. LC says:

    Can we please discuss the frat bro look of v necks and faux hawks? Oh, and lets not forget the designer jeans that are worn tight but not tight enough to be hipster or gay. I can’t decide if this look says hot bro or I try too hard to look like my guy pals.

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  16. Anonymous says:

    “the bigger the pendant, the smaller the penis.” accurate.

    Posted on Reply
  17. betchduh says:

    I disagree with the statement that flip flops are acceptable even in the summer months. I don’t care if it’s a hundred and fucking seven degrees outside! I do not want to see some man’s hairy ass toes flopping all over the place. If we’re going to the pool or the beach, I would much rather see my man in a pair of crocs than flip flops! At least he has the common fucking courtesy to cover that fugly shit up. Girls can wear flip flops and georg sandals for the same reason we can wear bikini bottoms. We keep things maintained! If I ever see a guy in flip flops, it’s game over.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    SWEATPANTS are a dealbreaker

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    He’s definitely in denial about being gay, hands down.
    That’s embarrisissing…

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    Have fun with your superficial existence ladies.
    That is all.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    uhhhhhh. crocs over a nice pair of leather gucci flip flops? don’t think so.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anon says:

    You are fucking retarded.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    Where do you go to school that frat boys wear faux hawks and v necks? Obviously not the south…

    Posted on Reply
  24. adolf says: embarrassing.

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  25. Anonymous says:

    ^ its embarrassing how poorly you spell

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    As a Black Betch I feel I need to say that your MLK jr reference is crossing the line. Your funny but a slams on murdered national heros makes you look ignorant. Step it up please.

    Posted on Reply
  27. JLEE says:

    The Justin Bobby reference is perfection.

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    I was literally about to say the same thing…. Consider yourself judged

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    This might be the most spot on post I’ve ever read on this site. Fucking PERFECT.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    Consider how he wears his jeans. An expensive, straight leg, dark wash, with NO ridiculous whiskering, intentional holes or tears, or butt-art à la True Religion = perfection. I judge a man by his jeans, and how he wears them. Athletic sneakers with jeans are a no. Too saggy is a no. Too loose or too fitted is a no. Perfect fit should fall right around the hips and require a belt but not fall down without one.

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  31. californiabetch says:

    hello? vans with high socks? i dont talk to any bro unless hes wearing these, sperrys, or is a pro and can pull off something nicer

    Posted on Reply
  32. whatevbetch says:

    they slam white national heros and public figures as well. be a real betch and stop caring and whining like an annoying nice girl.

    Posted on Reply
  33. LC says:

    California. It’s pretty typical. I have no idea how southern frat bros dress though. Kinda curious…

    Posted on Reply
  34. Southern Betch says:

    Ewww. V necks and faux hawks? Are you serious? No respectable fraternity man from the south would ever be caught wearing that shit. Southern bros dress like gentlemen( ie- oxfords, polos, khakis). There are only certain brands that are acceptable for them to wear- vineyard vines, brooks brothers, Patagonia, southern tide, Ralph Lauren, southern proper… That’s about it. Anything else is for poor GDIs

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    Vans with high socks? Wtf. Eww. This screams poor to me. You should take a trip to the south and see how real men dress

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    You obvi live in the midwest or something like that. I live in a beach city and sandals are always acceptable. Like if I guy doesn’t own a pair of rainbows shit is about to end real quick

    Posted on Reply
  37. BeachBetch says:

    If you have ever seen Raleigh or Charlotte, or even crossed the Maxon-Dixon line, maybe you have seen some vans with high socks. Particularly black ones.

    Posted on Reply
  38. uhh says:

    Watches are hard to judge because they are usually a gift.  Ask any guy where he got his watch from and he’ll say “christmas one year”. Even worse, when i get serious with a guy i buy him a watch and after we break up i know he still wears it.

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    lmao. loved the socks during sex reference. my dumbass ex did that and he was the laziest fuck ever.

    Posted on Reply
  40. Anonymous says:

    Awww southern betch… sorry, but the south sucks. The guys have no style. They wear a button down oxford from the polo by ralph lauren outlet & wear shorts that are far from a respectable length on a regular basis (both to class and going out). Don’t get me started about tevas. My 10 year old brother has more style.

    northeastern & california bros > redneck frattys

    Posted on Reply
  41. anon. says:

    People can’t be this superficial. I guess I’ve always overestimated girls.

    Posted on Reply
  42. Anonymous says:

    Sperrys do not scream “I have money to me.” Aren’t Sperrys like $80? If your pros shoes aren’t Alden’s, I don’t know what you’re doing. Any poor man can buy loafers and a polo and pretend to have more than $5,000 in their Etrade account.

    Posted on Reply
  43. Anonymous says:

    really glad that ginger isn’t even included in the ‘hair’ category. vom. betches don’t fuck fire-sabres

    Posted on Reply
  44. Anonymous says:

    I really think it’s necessary to discuss Jersey Shore look-alikes/wannabes as absofuckinglutely NOT.

    Posted on Reply
  45. muah says:

    Agreed. Sweatpants= Strip-club and ‘John’ attire… just gross and cheaaaappp!

    Posted on Reply
  46. HAHAHAHAHA says:

    Love it. Fuck being nice.

    Posted on Reply
  47. Betch says:

    “Since betches have an astute eye for criticism…”- PERFECTION

    Posted on Reply
  48. early n often says:

    Guys that dress like this get no respect from real dudes.  e.g. see how they get quiet around real dudes.  Dudes that dress like this are sideline boys who get jacked up.  Fyi big picture.

    Posted on Reply
  49. Anonymous says:

    As a black betch I thought it was pretty fucking funny. I actually L-O-L- ed

    Posted on Reply
  50. Areallifebro says:

    Maybe this bro just didn’t give a shit about you when he met you and it happened to be laundry day?

    Posted on Reply
  51. sar says:

    totes agree

    Posted on Reply
  52. Snsbi says:

    The fact that you are probs poor and liberal, and have a fugly boyfriend that hasnt gone shopping since 1999.

    Posted on Reply
  53. respectable betch says:

    love the if he’s not a skin head, you can give him head. soooo true

    Posted on Reply
  54. Betch Please says:

    Watches actually AREN’T that hard to judge. Do you wear every heinious gift your grandma gives you? If you say yes, you’re probably a fat nice girl. The only acceptable watches are in the Rolex/ Cartier category, or anything else that is the same price as a mid-level car. Obvi if he has $10,000 to spend on a watch for himself, he’ll absolutely do the same for me. So unless you want to be like whatever the fuck her name was from the Jersey Shore who packed her clothes in trash bags and who’s man thought buying her a fossil watch was an acceptable gift, think again. Watches tell more than time. So you can go shave your back now.

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  55. Melissa says:

    ***You’re funny

    Posted on Reply
  56. Anonymous says:

    Flip-flops on men even during the summer will never be acceptable, ew

    Posted on Reply
  57. Anonymous says:

    As a fellow black betch, if that offended you, you need to leave the site. There’s no room for taking offense on this site. Clearly, you’ve proven to us all that you’re (not your) not a real betch… Step it up, please.

    Posted on Reply
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