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By The Betches on

…as in, barely at all.

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving but like we’ve previously stated, betches really only give thanks on Father’s Day.

Many may argue that Thanksgiving is actually the least betchy holiday, and we admit, they have a point. You don’t get any presents on Thanksgiving, there’s a huge fucking meal that you have to pretend to eat, and the day is filled with extremely unbetchy things like parades, football, and extended family asking you what you're going to do with your life.

However, for people in college, Thanksgiving has one redeeming betch factor: Thanksgiving Eve. Thanksgiving Eve is the perfect time to come home from college, get blackout with your high school besties, and happily observe how fat and pale your ex-boyfriend from high school got. Lay off the dark meat, Jason. fatal attraction Also, like our Puritan ancestors escaping religious prosecution work, we usually approach our dads peacefully (the new Native Americans, if you will) by having dinner with them before breaking down their finances and forcing them on a trail west south to retirement in Florida. A betch is often disappointed, similarly to the Pilgrims, when we come home for Tgivs searching for gold and all we get is fucking corn.

Let’s talk about the meal and how you can use it for what it’s intended for: asking for shit. Thanksgiving is like that one mandatory huge family meal you have a year that you can use to your benefit, like bringing up all the things you want for the holidays early and showing your family you're not actually anorexic by picking at the asparagus on your plate, hold the hollandaise.

[Here's a fun game to betch-up your Thanksgiving dinner: Speak only in betch numbers with your sister and/or cousins and see which family member goes insane first. ie. Omg I hate white meat, that turkey needs to go #27. Fuck it, I'm on a #5, pass the green beans. Omg Aunt Sue, I can't wait to tell you how good I've been with #8'ing. Where the fuck is the #54!?!]

We can't forget to mention the Macy’s parade. Vom. Parades are for tourists who wished they lived in New York and the homeless who live in the parade route. If I wanted to see oversized depictions of fat cartoon characters floating around I would’ve just stayed at the library with some nice girls.

friendsGreat way to not fuck bros on TGivs

Black Friday has to be the least betchy part of this whole Thanksgiving Weekend fiasco. If you’re a true betch, you’re just now discovering that this shitshow for poor people actually exists. At first when someone told us there was a day called Black Friday, we thought, wow, that’s really racist. Then someone explained what it was and we were like wow, that’s still really racist. Betches are really anti-racism...we’re thinking about writing a letter to Congress to change the name to Taylor Armstrong Friday.

It goes without saying that shopping on Black Friday is NOT betchy. Betches don’t like to be crowded while shopping, and we DGAF that there’s 75% off sale on a new bread-maker or flat screen TV. 99% off is for the 99%, fucking duh. Waking up early is for poor people. Crowds are for poor people. Discounts are for poor people. That’s like fucking Elitism 101.

So, in order to revamp Tgivs to make it much betchier, we propose you betches sneak out early from your boring family meals (where your dad reminds you that you should be looking for a job and your sisters marvel at how you’re still skinny even after college), in order to celebrate a new and better holiday. Betchgiving.

On Betchgiving you give thanks for your amazing looks and that everyone is really jealous of you. The Betchgiving feast consists of Adderall and vodka, and everyone around the table goes around and says one girl they’d really like to #1 talk shit about tonight. Oh, and just like the President saves a turkey on Tgivs, to show how we also like to give back, the Head Betches will spare one nice girl on Betchgiving. This year we've spared Taylor Swift, but then she started talking shit about Jake Gyllenhaal, so she's right back to the chopping block.


35 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Marina says:

    on point- my favorite is the betch # game…i already do that in front of un-betchier friends lmao

    Posted on Reply
  2. Brianna says:

    I totes agree with everything in here. But, you left out how much it sucks to listen to the fucking snot nosed brats run around. It’s enough to give me a violent rage meltdown.

    Posted on Reply
  3. betch says:

    Taylor Armstrong Day <3

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Loves it. already had a betchgiving planned: Daddy and mommy went skiing in vail so I’m at home alone with a bottle of vodka, a face mask, a remote control, and am unobliged to engage in the disgusting ritual of face-stuffing with which this country is so enthused. And when my becthes are done w their fams, you can bet your stretchy-pants wearing asses there will be some shet talking happening. Family time is for nice girls.

    Posted on Reply
  5. so true says:

    I started texting my betches in betch numbers last night and we all had a great [blackout] night, and now THIS? So true, we were meant to be #69 just as long as I’m the #117

    Posted on Reply
  6. a betch...fucking duh says:

    “lay off the dark meat, Jason”

    subtle jab at mean girls jason who needs to shave his back? i hope so.

    Posted on Reply
    • You're retarded says:

      The only reference was to Clueless. Fucking duh!

      Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    um i think you’re def reaching and that it was obvi not a mean girls reference. try again next post.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    loooooveee ittttttt omg: “Oh, and just like the President saves a turkey on Tgivs, to show how we also like to give back, the Head Betches will spare one nice girl on Betchgiving. This year we’ve spared Lady Gaga Stefani Germonatta, but then You and I came out, so she’s right back to the chopping block.”

    i LOVE how y’all acknowledge that being a “little monster” is not at all betchy despite that every other song at clubs is one of hers (eww) that’s been remixed. the only betchy things about lady gaga are that she has expensive clothes (except they’re all fug), a lot of money, and a huge amount of people are obsessed with her.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Why would i ever spend the time memorizing the numbers you give to each post instead of blacking out and not fucking bros? what ever happened to not doing work, and memorizing the numbers seems like a lot of work to me. otherwise loved the post, so great!

    Posted on Reply
  10. anonymous says:

    stop trying so hard

    Posted on Reply
    • Agreed says:

      People who have money don’t feel the need to tell everyone.  It’s the truth, sorry!

      Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    THANK you i was just about to say the same thing. only pathetic, friendless nice girls have the time to memorize 122 (and counting) different betch numbers. like are you even serious right now who DOES that?!

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    stop trying to make a mean girls reference happen. it’s not going to happen!

    Posted on Reply
  13. BSCB says:

    This was a good article, I like you guys.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    the only person who likes this post is regina’s mom in mean girls.

    Posted on Reply
  15. betchamissme says:

    i hope you’re trying to be funny

    Posted on Reply
  16. minkbetch says:

    totes agree, time to get a life if you do this

    Posted on Reply
  17. ConcurringBetch says:

    I ALSO was thinking the same thing!!  My friends are betches, but if they ever started citing the numbers out loud on the regs, and were actually being serious, it would be fucking annoying.  Sorry, over-eager nonbetchy wannabes, I think the betches were kidding—-and it conveniently turned into an all too predictable satire of inarticulate nonbetches like you. 

    How’s that for some good old quality #1 Talking Shit?  Happy Betchgiving

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    this is just how to be a bitch, not a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  19. ... says:

    that’s beyond fucking pathetic

    Posted on Reply
  20. whinebetch says:

    it’s called branding. and non betches are eating it up. hilarious

    Posted on Reply
  21. wedonteat. says:

    drinking alone is for sad people and the homeless. If you need to drink around your own personality, I understand why your parents left you alone on Thanksgiving.

    Posted on Reply
    • Obvi says:

      Sorry no one wants to hang out with you.  Obviously NOT a betch.

      Posted on Reply
  22. Clur says:

    Wow, totally TTH, gtfo #123

    Posted on Reply
    • Lmao says:

      Lmfao huh?

      Posted on Reply
  23. A+ says:

    Nice job not doing work with this repost. But I’m going to give myself an A++ for reading this entire post and not remembering a single fucking word a year later.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Uhm.. says:

    This sounds like last year’s article on thanks giving.

    Posted on Reply
  25. gay betch says:

    This post is gold. Loved the stuff from the old days, before the site stopped being a satire of itself and got overrun with celeb gossip that no one cares about and Buzzfeed-like lists that aren’t funny.

    Posted on Reply
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