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By The Betches on

First you have to make sure the police officer is male. If it's a woman, this isn't going to work, especially since you were just going 85 in a 55 in your Benz and you pulled over on the left side of the road. Two potential tickets, your license is practically dunzo.

If it's a woman, this is the only time in life when you'd hope to encounter a nice girl. But if it's a man, which it usually will be, here's how to manipulate and bullshit your way out of needing to tell your dad to take care of your speeding ticket.

Assess the officer. Try to feel out if this a lost cause, aka a female officer, or a guy with a mustache who looks at you like he was the axe murderer in The Lovely Bones. If it's any type of other guy, you want to put on your most sad, apologetic and beautiful face.

You can then go into one of the following:


friendsTake notes on how to flirt with an officer from Ross Geller


The Sad Story:

I'm going to pick my sister up from rehab, I haven't seen her in 4 months! She's all better now, she can't bear to be there one more second!

I'm rushing to get home, I'm sorry, I just found out my parents are getting a divorce/my boyfriend just broke up with me. You're right, I'm so out of it, I'm so sorry. A single tear, or big wet eyes are great for this option.

The Emergency:

My grandpa's in the hospital for a hernia!

The Period:

I am soo sorry, I just got my period, and it is coming out of me like, you don't even know... Then delve into 45 more seconds of detail about the viscosity of your flow and what size tampons you use. Where's the closest rest stop... and toilet paper... I just need like, a lotttt of toilet paper... Last ditch effort... Ohh the clotting!...

Do Not Say:


Do you know how soon the Oscars are on? I can't miss it!

My mom does charities for the police force! It's like a big deal, we're getting our PBA card in the mail soon.

Oops, should I write them a note?

If you encounter a lost cause officer: Just be quiet and try to act normal. These people are the #43 haters and they have a vendetta against perfect people who can't drive. Fucking with these people will get your fake ID taken away and lead to the discovery of the pot that's been in your passenger's seat pocket for two months.


28 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Queen Betch says:

    Playing the dumb blonde card has gotten me out of several tickets.Betches will do whatever it takes to get what we want

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    Ohh the clotting!!.... I lol’d.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Not as well written as previous posts? good material though

    Posted on Reply
  4. A says:

    Oh you are so from Jersey. Love the PBA cards!

    also pleased to say I’ve never gotten a ticket

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    I’ve gotten out of several tickets by saying that I am on my way to see my boyfriend one last time before he leaves for a year long deployment. It was the truth once… but once I saw how well it worked, it’s been my stand by ever since. I have NEVER gotten a ticket with that story.

    Posted on Reply
  6. McKenzie says:

    Talk about not doing work this post was so ugh. Step it up or stop writing when you’re this stoned.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Kri says:

    ...cry. were all betches here and know how to manipulate when we have to. fuck telling stories we cant keep straight, just cry and look at him like you look at your dad when you max out his credit cards, say your sorry, and move right along. got me out of trippling the speed limit.. aka driving with “intention to kill”.. oops.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Belle says:

    Yeah my friend tried that shit one time about lying about her grandfather…asshole followed her to the frickin hospital. Obviously didn’t work out for her too well.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Devon says:

    This stories already written by Andy Anderson, the “How to..” girl,  and this ones not even betchy….does this even go in a category. I mean at least it could say how to talk your way out of a ticket like a betch

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  10. Jess says:

    I cried to try and get out of one of my tickets. Officer told me crying isnt “becoming on a lady.” eff that.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Crying works says:

    I couldn’t agree more, crying works. The right combination of crying and acting completely helpless will have the officer apologizing he even pulled you over to begin with. When the officer tells you “it’s going to be ok” you know you’re on the right track.

    There could probably be an entire post dedicated to when crying is the manipulation tactic of choice or how to use crying to your advantage. My mother once told me that if ever I find myself in a less than ideal situation, find the most important looking person you can and start crying.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Wendy says:

    White coat + stethoscope in the passenger seat, doesn’t matter if you are a student. Just know which hospital you’re going to.

    Posted on Reply
  13. nybetch says:

    PBA cards aren’t a special jersey thing…

    Posted on Reply
  14. Kari says:

    While I was cruising in my moms car, blasting Madonna’s “Hung Up,” I got pulled over in her work parking lot. I saw her walking out waving until she realized I was waving a speeding ticket at her…fail

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    Um.. my friend just dumped a bottle of water in her lap and said she peed.
    Like she would ever pee on the leather interior of her Benz.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    definitely don’t exist in all 50 states

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    hahaha that in genius, great advice mom

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    Last year my friends mom got pulled over by a cop for not having her seat belt on. The cop was about to give her a ticket and she told him that the she just got a boob job and the doctor said she couldn’t wear a seat belt. She didn’t get the ticket. Fucking betch.

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  19. Missy says:

    A true betch wouldn’t keep pot in her car for two months. That shit goes bad.

    Posted on Reply
  20. JLEE says:

    Nice! I will use that one .....

    Posted on Reply
  21. Jennie J. says:

    With a woman… Tell her your sister went into labor and you’re on your way to the hospital. Been a go to of mine for awhile.

    Posted on Reply
  22. burghbetch says:

    first time i got pulled over- 47 in a 25. ticket. I pulled out the lipgloss and laughed at the cop because my night was so ‘horrible’ and now it was laughable…no ticket.

    second time i got pulled over- 90 in a 65. ticket. I looked like hell from Kent Halloween hangover city and came back from the dead. Guess the fake eyelashes that were still intact came in handy..
    no ticket.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    boyfriend breaking up with you WORKS without a doubt… but you have to cry. i told him we just broke up so I was driving really fast to his house to find out why he broke up with me. haha

    Posted on Reply
  24. Masculine says:

    Wow you women here are bitches! Using a period story to get out of a ticket. Good thing I read this now, so I can give tickets even if they are crying. Gonna make you bitches suffer!!

    Posted on Reply
  25. Tom says:

    It does take a certain kind of dishonest harlot to take as many dicks as the author of this article. Nice job, hooker!

    Posted on Reply
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